The Terminally Terminal....

"Melissa" (not her real name) is someone who struggles with terminal self involvement.  She doesn't know she's this way;  she has denied it when confronted about it in the past.  Yet this is one of her "Big L" life problems.  Her second "Big L" life problem is that she's paranoid.  The way her paranoia comes through is that she's basically afraid of everything.  Yes, that's what I said.  She's afraid of everything.  Melissa can't go anywhere or experience anything without coming up with some reason to be scared to death about "it" (whatever "it" is!).  Now I know I could have described Melissa as being merely "anxious" here, but I'm not.  Anxiety is also about feeling afraid much of the time;  being paranoid, however, kicks the intensity of that fear up about 10 notches on the mental Richter Scale.

Melissa's self involvement and her paranoia feed each other in the same way that feeding cows to other cows fuels Mad Cow disease.  Melissa pays SO much attention each and every day as to how everything "scares" her...that she has not given herself any room (or permission!) to just be still, let alone relax, let alone enjoy her life's experiences, let alone adopt an attitude of gratitude.  Melissa and others of her "type" just can't do this on their own.  Personality wise, Melissa cruises between two distinct groups of personality disorders:  one the one hand she is very dramatic and erratic (the "Cluster B'ers" as I refer to them)...yet on the other hand she is also very anxious and afraid (the "Cluster C'ers").  If I had to choose between the two sets of personality disorders, I would say that Melissa is a Narcissistic Borderline and a Paranoid Personality Disordered individual in need of a tremendous amount of professional help and support.  I should add that Melissa may also struggle with a major mood disorder such as those which keep you down...or suddenly take you somewhere else you don't want to go without a moment's notice.  Briefly, personality disorders are fueled by life's EVENTS....mood disorders, on the other hand, don't need any fuel for a major mood shift to occur.  You can "wake up" and feel like you want to die without having ever set one foot out of the bed when you are mood disordered.  With a personality disorder, you don't want to die until ABC and/or D happened "first" to trigger you once you woke up.

Let me give you some examples of how life events trigger personality disordered behavior.  If you were to see Melissa in a restaurant and she thought she smelled smoke, "There's a fire we have to get out of here now!"  If you were with Melissa when she felt uncomfortable in the same areas of her body more than twice, "OMG I think I have cancer!"  Does this mean that Melissa is also psychotic?  Well, it is true that when a person believes their own "version" of reality more than the actual facts, psychosis is a very real concern.  However, with someone like Melissa, she has not shown signs of "staying stuck" in her psychotic thinking about any given paranoid delusion once it has been somehow "resolved".  In the context of the restaurant example, as soon as she would be walked through the restaurant to "prove" there was no fire going on, she shuts up.  Once her bodily symptoms end and/or she is told by her doctor that she does not have cancer, she shuts up.  Until the next "event".  That's how personality disorders work.  You're fine until "the next event".  Then you lose it.  However you are going to lose it, that's when you do.  Because you are triggered by "the next event" that you perceive as stressful in any way, shape, or form....

 In her chosen profession, Melissa views herself as quite the "expert".  So much so in fact that she's not very good at the business of (a) listening to others at work, (b) accepting constructive criticism, and (c) learning from her own mistakes and/or anything "new" for that matter.  As such, Melissa's work history is filled with stories about bosses from hell, co-workers from hell, anyone-she's-come-in-contact-with-at-work from hell.  Are you catching my drift here?  The common denominator between Melissa and all her "hellish" experiences on the job over her 20+ year career is, of course, Melissa.  This is Melissa's terminal self involvement at work combined with her paranoia.  And, oh by the way, if you don't "support" Melissa when she tells you these things or don't "do" what Melissa thinks you should say or do as her "friend" or "spouse" or "family member" when she's upset about her job or her career path or her attempts at finding the "perfect" job blah blah blah (which is 99.999% of the time!)...then you are the devil as well!  This is where the Borderline aspect of her personality disorder comes in to play.  And oh, God forbid that you have anything going on in your own life that may take the attention away from Melissa's drama of the moment.  That's not happening.  Even if she called today when you just found out you had a week to live, Melissa's initial response would be something like this:  "Oh, I'm sorry....you know, I feel like I have a week to live too after what happened to me today!"  That's narcissism for you with a capital "N"...always busy putting the focus back on who matters most all of the time and anytime at all---and that would not be anyone else but "Me! Me! Me!"

In the field of psychotherapy, Melissa's "type" of client is very challenging.  Sadder still, her type of client is becoming more and more common in today's "It's All About Me!" culture as well.  Which says "what" about the society in which we all live and function?  Not much, I can tell you that. 

Terminal self involvement doesn't occur because babies are "born" to mothers named Rosemary and fathers named Lucifer.  (Although I've had a few of those in my practice nonetheless!)  Instead, all this "garbage" is more taught than inherited.  And that's one of the saddest facts of life of all.  The only thing that should be "terminal" in life is what we absolutely can't control (death and taxes).  All else?  Well, I believe most everything is resolvable when you commit to the process and can admit how you, yourself, fed the beast of your own dysfunction....with those other cows. 

Until we meet again....





 

"Girls"....

"Girls" is the name of a new HBO series.  Created by and starring 24 year old Leah Dunham, "Girls" presents the lives of four 20-something friends living and working in New York City.  Leah's character "Hannah" lives with "Marnie".  "Soshanna" is another friend whose cousin "Jessa" is also part of this foursome.  When I've spoken to my 20-something year old clients about this series, those who haven't before seen it yet say something like "I've heard about it; that's the show where the fat ugly girl is always running around naked right?"  Yeah, that's the one.

When I saw the first episode of "Girls", I wanted to throw up literally.  "Hannah" (the fat ugly girl running around naked) was clearly presented as an irresponsible, entitled, and yet pathetically disillusioned and compulsively people-pleasing human being.  I know.  What a combo eh?  Meanwhile, her bff "Marnie" is a physically gorgeous ("a young Brook Shields"), self-confident, "traditional", and seemingly mature young lady.  As I recalled the characterizations from "Girls"' predecessor "Sex and the City"...all who was missing at this point were the updated versions of "Samantha" and "Charlotte".  Of course, Dunham brought us "Jessa" and "Soshanna" to fill in those two gaps.

When all was said and done at the end of episode one...I couldn't get "Hannah's" ugly-a$$ "friend with benefits" out of my mind ("Adam" gave new meaning to the term "AAGGGGHHHHH!")...nor could I imagine ANY redeeming value(s) being presented or taught as a result of this series.  To me, watching "Girls" was like picking through the contents of a landfill.  There was a whole lot of nasty garbage...and not much else.

One of my other 20-something clients encouraged me to keep watching.  She promised it would get better.  So, given this was "Watchathon" week on cable (meaning I could watch the whole series up to the present time for free until this weekend)...I worked my way through the next 7 or 8 episodes of the first season.  And now I get it.  I have changed my mind a bit (only a bit!) about "Girls"...but what a way to get to the heart of what this series is attempting to convey....

First, I believe that "Girls" is an in-your-face demonstration of what it is like to be 20-something in today's world...and yet not be FULLY aware of or focused on discovering "who" you authentically are.  Kinda like putting on a different costume every day in hopes of finding the one that fits and feels best.  This is a problem for all the characters in the series, because their personal identities are being defined by things that really don't matter.  All these "Girls" want to be and feel "desired", each in their own way.  They want to be wanted.  That's a natural and normal human need, but not when it's so reduced down to the context of their romantic encounters and relationships.  In the big picture, feeling "valued" and "worthy" is not a bad thing...but believing (the lie!) that this can only come from physical intimacy is an even bigger lie.  "Hannah" allows "Adam" to be however he wants to be with her, even when it is completely disgusting to her (we won't go there about the shower scene).  "Marnie" doesn't want to be the object of her boyfriend's obsession;  yet when they break up, she wants "it" back again.  "Jessa" just wants to be in charge of whomever and whenever on her terms.  Lastly, Soshanna (still a virgin) doesn't know what to do or believe because she feels stuck floating in space without the anchor (of a man's "desire") to keep her grounded.

These are not bad lessons to learn as a result of watching "Girls".  As the series progresses throughout its first season, the hypocrisy of certain societal norms are exposed for what they are, but so is the futility of chasing dragons that lead only to very sore feet.  In one especially important episode, "Adam" ("Hannah's" sick and twisted friend with benefits) confronts her about being so self-involved to the point of never bothering OR wanting to know him on an emotionally intimate level.  Funny how as soon as he confonts her about this, he becomes instantly more "appealing" because of his vulnerability and honest heart-felt communication.  Once both "Adam" and "Hannah" get it about practicing emotional intimacy as a priority, their relationship improves.  Funny how that works.  I've always said to clients, "Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy is the CAKE!  Physical Intimacy is the ICING!  NOT the other way round!"

Grant it, "Girls" does not at all address spiritual intimacy in relationships, but what HBO series does or ever did in the first place?  None that I can think of!  I do believe that a clear understanding of what's "right" and what's "wrong" is absolutely necessary for anyone who hopes to successfully navigate their way through a world where "If it feels good do it!" is the primary commandment of this century.  Like I've said many times before, it's all good until someone else desides to rear end you because it "felt so good" to them! 

With that, "Girls" definitely has a whole lot in it that is not for the weak of stomach....BUT also has in it some important truths about what does NOT work (and what does!) in discovering "who" you authentically are...and why that's so tremendously important.



 

Our Addiction-Based Culture....

In any society which shamelessly promotes instant gratification and nothing in moderation if it feels good enough, the people are bound to suffer.  I remember as a kid a television show in which contestants were given about five minutes to run through a grocery store and "load up" on whatever they could fit into their shopping cart.  They had to get the cart to the checkout line before the alarm rang, and the winner was the person whose groceries added up to the highest dollar amount.  That show wouldn't work today, I can tell you that.  Why?  Because in today's culture, I can just imagine half of the contestants consistently running over to the liqueor/beer/wine aisle...while the other half would be fixated on the junk food snacks/sugar/candy aisle.  And if the grocery store had an "open" cigarette aisle and/or a single isle devoted to all things caffeinated (Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, Premium Roast Coffees, etc.)---they would be equally popular.  No matter what attempts are being made to promote "Clean Eating" and "Non-Genetically Modified" foods, the facts are the facts:  we are still a nation of instant gratification addicts whose "substances" of choice revolve around the "Big 4".  And, you ask, what pray tell are the "Big 4" substances?  I just told you in my example:  Alcohol, Sugar, Tobacco, and Caffeine of course!

There have been so many books written and even more seminars done about the damage caused by overuse of these "Big 4" substances...and to what end?  Way too many so-called civilized and educated adults (of any age!) think it's "funny" to party until they soil themselves, throw up, pass out, nearly kill themselves or someone else, and/or "can't remember a thing" about the day or night before.  And this just has to do with alcohol consumption! 

Shouldn't we find it somewhat ludicrous that the only "addicts" we recognize are those who obviously "look" and "behave" like addicts?  I think this is why so many of us stay addicted to whatever it is that binds us;  we aren't "that bad" yet in our own minds.  So, what will have to happen to the "social drinker" before he or she realizes they have a REAL problem?  2 or 3 DUI's or OWI's?  Getting their driver's license revoked?  Killing someone?  Being raped (like the 16 year old in Ohio a couple of weeks back)?  Tragically, even those things don't stop many from pickin' up the bottle or the glass and saying:  "Sure, I'll have another!"  Spare me.  We are one sick land of opportunity when it comes to our ongoing love affair with our own addiction-based culture....

Practicing moderation in all things is one way we can begin to turn the addiction cycle around in our own lives.  Instead of drinking six beers or mixed drinks on Friday night, why not limit yourself to three?  Instead of smoking 20 cigarettes a day, why not cut down to 10?  Instead of eating 5,000 calories today, why not 2,500?  Instead of drinking eight caffeinated drinks before the work day is over, keep it to no more than four.  In all cases, it's a start.  If you find that you can't do it...then this is when you need assistance from a trained professonal, the support of a recovery-based group, and authentic friends/family members who will support you in a "right" way.

Good luck.  Breaking free of the addiction cycle isn't easy, but it's certainly possible...one day at a time.

P.S.  There are OTHER ways to get over and manage your ANXIETY which do not involve ALCOHOL, CIGARETTES, WEED, OXY, VICODEN, XANAX and all the other central nervous system "depressants".  There are also OTHER ways to get over and manage your LETHARGY, BAD MOOD, ADHD, INABILITY TO "GET GOING", etc. which do not involve CAFFEINE, COCAINE, METH, and all the other central nervous system "stimulants"!  I'm just sayin....







 

 

Feeling Better Fast...

Feeling better fast is a fact of life.  Everyone wants to accomplish this particular goal whenever we feel "bad".  You can define "bad" however you like.  Some people want to feel better fast when they feel guilty.  Others want to feel better fast when they feel bored.  Many want to feel better fast when they feel anxious.  I have yet to meet a person in my life or in my office that "enjoys" feeling angry, frustrated, betrayed, sick, lonely, tired, worthless, unlovable, etc. etc. etc.  Needless to say, "feeling better fast" is once again, a fact of our human condition.

Having said this, what do YOU most often do to feel better fast?   Do you first pursue the appropriate and "non-harmful" ways of feeling better fast?  Or do you first pursue the inappropriate and "harmful" ways of feeling better fast?  As surprising as this may sound, not too many people think about the answer to these questions when specifically asked, especially when what they are doing to feel better fast plays a very big role in their day-to-day life.  Much like going to the bathroom when you first wake up, who thinks about what they are doing every single day to "feel better fast" when it's been a habit for the past 5, 10, 20, 30, or 40 years!?

Well, this is why I am writing this post today.  Certainly there are some "feeling better fast" strategies that are appropriate and "non-harmful" and "good for you" generally speaking.  Just the other day I was reminded how the internet (when properly used!) gives us instant access to photographs of every kind.  Do you love horses?  Google "images of horses" and every horse under the sun that's been downloaded onto the internet is there for your instant viewing.  Puppies, babies, kittens....these are just a few examples of what we can "look at" for 5 or 10 minutes in order to feel better fast in an appropriate way that is non-harmful.  Haven't you ever wondered why Instagram has become so "hot" so quickly?  What is it consist of?  Photographs.  Hello!  We love photographs.  And for all of us, all we need is to match our desired subject matter with the means to view it and voila, we are feeling better fast....

Do I need to go there about what constitutes "inappropriate" and "harmful" viewing on the internet?  Let's put it this way, I don't know how many times I have said to clients, "When what you are looking at replaces treating yourself or your partner like an equal but more like an object instead, THEN IT IS HARMFUL!"  Enough said?  I hope so!

Volunteering for a charity you believe in, praying, meditating, spending time with good friends, yoga, eating right and getting enough regular sleep, drinking more water, pursuing a hobby, helping someone else in genuine need, doing crossword puzzles, riding a horse, owning and caring for a pet, playing an instrument, singing, dancing, going to a ballgame, reading the Good Book and/or any good book....there are SO many things we can do to feel better fast that won't hurt us or another person.  Yet why is it that we must always "think" about what we need to do to feel better fast that is appropriate and non-harmful to us...but when it comes to feeling better fast in a "wrong" and harmful way, we know instantly what to do?

Eating too much or too little, purging, eating junk food, drinking energy drinks like water and often times instead of water, drinking caffeine, wine, beer, or any other form of alcohol like it's your job, smoking, staying up late and getting up later, laying around all day and watching cartoons, old movies on TCM, or music videos, playing video games until your fingers and hands go numb, running around like a wild man (or woman) for hours on end without taking breaks, taking yourself off the radar in order to view that inappropriate content and/or talk to the hand over and over again, having your secret stash of friends with benefits that no one else knows of but you, stealing, cheating, lying, fudging the facts (you don't think these things make you feel better fast?  Try again!), throwing someone else under the bus to avoid facing what you did wrong, letting someone else work to support you (now we're getting into interesting territory aren't we?) while you keep complaining how they don't "do enough" for you...etc. etc. etc.

Funny isn't it?  We do all kinds of things to feel better fast without realizing it in the first place!

In the end, feeling better fast doesn't work so hot when what you are doing is bottom line inappropriate or harmful (to you, another person, or a whole lot of other persons besides yourself!).  And this is why people come to see me!  Because I can show you how and why and what else you can practice to feel better fast without, over time, feeling worse than you started...

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