Reunion time...

Seems like I have been hearing a lot about reunions lately.  The impending spring and summer season have a great deal to do with that I imagine.  My own high school reunion is coming up this August (I will NOT mention which one!)...and I am looking forward to it.  Why?  Well, that's the subject of today's blog post:  the "good" that can come from our own "reunion time" experience(s) when we experience them!

I have a plaque on the wall of my office that simply states "Learn From Everything".  Well, isn't that one of the big points of our existence regardless of our spiritual leanings---or lack thereof?  If we don't learn from everything...we are at great risk of learning nothing from anything.  When I recognize that I am in the presence of a "learn from nothing" type, I make a habit of remaining polite for a maximum of five minutes before making a clean getaway.  I am not at a class reunion in order to debate politics, religious beliefs, or social injustice with anybody.  I am not at a family reunion to hear someone beotch about Uncle Henry for 30 minutes because he is drunk.  Are you catching my drift here?  Reunions are great opportunities to catch up...but that catching up has to be satisfying in both directions...not just one's own.  Otherwise, we are objectifying the other who is the focus of current attention...instead of treating him or her as a true equal.  Funny how that works eh?  I've mentioned it enough in past blog posts;  effective communication always begins by treating ourself and the other person as equals---rather than as "things".

What I just described "is" in fact the first lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time.  Treat yourself and whomever you interact with at your upcoming reunion as an equal...and not as a thing.  Grant it, if they can't or won't practice the same courtesy in return, you are free to make your clean getaway without guilt.  ;-) ...and after 5 minutes of initial interaction :-D.  I myself have learned not to waste my time talking to offensive and/or foolish people as if I "owe" them my listening ear.  I do not.  Neither do you.

Reunions are also an excellent opportunity to re-connect with someone you miss...or have missed being in contact with for whatever reason(s).  In spite of all the hype about extroverts versus introverts...social anxiety affects every one of us in its way.  Do you take the risk of approaching someone, making eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hello!  How are you?!"?  I hope so!  Unless you are a minor child, what's your excuse now?  If you can't or won't approach someone you really do want to speak to...that's on you!  I can't tell you how many people still play that "Oh no I can't do that!" card as if they just morphed from age 60 to age 5 in less than 5 seconds!  You will not die, you will not pass out, you will not make a fool of yourself if and when you approach someone at a reunion and greet them...and ask how they are doing!  You can do this!  Even if that other person doesn't respond in a way you expected or hoped for, is your own sense of "rejection" really fatal or contagious?  Of course it isn't!  Practice being assertive!  Go for it.  It's o.k.  It won't kill you.

This is the second lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time.  If you expect people to approach you before you speak to them first, shame on you!  Who the bleep do you think you are really?  Don't get me wrong, the arrogant do this all the time ("wait" for their perceived subjects to approach them first!)...but the socially anxious do this as well.  As I have reminded clients many times over the years, "not speaking up" and being appropriately assertive IS perceived by many as a sign of arrogance, indifference, and/or an aloof manner (aka "I don't really care to be here right now...let alone with you...").  Is that the impression you want to leave with anyone?  Of course it isn't.  I can remember all the times clients have said something like "Well, I'm older now...they should come up to me first to talk as a sign of respect."  And are you the Godfather or Livia Soprano?  Get over yourself!  Nobody is "that" popular over the course of a lifetime!  Sheesh!  Try humility on for a change.  Nobody is more attractive than when they are open, interested, and willing to engage as a general rule...

Third point:  reunions are NOT the time to bring up dead bones and expect or ask for an apology from XXXX because XXXXX happened and NOW is the time to "resolve" that issue between you.  Don't get me wrong;  we are all tempted to do this.  But as the world already knows, living well is the best revenge if revenge has entered your mind at any point.  Forgive them.  Forgive yourself for the resentments and bitterness you have carried around for way too long.  When we live in resentment and bitterness, it shows.  It shows physically, it shows mentally, and it certainly shows in a social context. I think of people I see in my practice who are "offended" by not speaking to them in a certain way they expect and/or demand.  WTF?  Talk about having to be in control of EVERYTHING?!?!  That's how it can be when we remain ignorant to how our past wounds impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors "now".  This is especially true among those of us who have remained a**holes since graduating high school!  Just sayin'.  LOL

Lastly, reunions are a time to have ourselves some FUN!  Remember FUN!?  Yes, in spite of how old we are...we can still practice having fun that is not self-or-other directed and destructive!  Let yourself laugh...enjoy the music...dance!  Do whatever it appropriate to do without throwing yourself or anyone else under that 18 wheeler!

If you are participating in a reunion of any kind this summer, enjoy yourself!  Reunion time is a great time to show yourself and others how much you really have healed, changed for the better, and have grown from the inside out!

Until next post...

When Anxiety Rules (and Can Ruin!) Your Kid's Life...

"Jack" (not his real name) is a junior in high school.  Jack should have obtained his driver's license by now, but he hasn't.  He completed Segment I of his Driver's Ed training...but decided to "wait" before pursuing Segment II.  When asked why he hasn't completed driver's ed, Jack really has no definitive answer(s).  "I think I'm just going to wait until I'm 18.."  Along with this, Jack hasn't yet shown any real interest in obtaining and working at a part-time job.  In spite of knowing several same-age neighbors who currently work part-time around town, Jack is extremely reluctant to even specify the "type" of job he'd like to consider pursuing.  "I don't know.." is a common response to any questions regarding job interests, future plans upon graduation, and everything else to do with Jack given his age and his current stage of life.  According to Jack's mother, he spends most of his time after school in his room and, in spite of Jack claiming to have "friends", no one calls or texts Jack---and no one comes over after school or during weekends.  Jack is not a "bad" kid by any stretch;  he does well enough academically in school, does his chores without too much complaining, he is a good enough big brother to his two younger siblings, and he has chosen to take his mother or father to events that most interest him (concerts primarily).  Jack also remains compliant when expected to attend family functions involving his aunts, uncles, and cousins---though he does keep to himself when present.  So...what's wrong with this picture?

"Tia" (not her real name) is also a junior in high school.  Unlike Jack, Tia is anything but compliant.  She is driving both of her parents and older sibling up the wall.  Tia is the knee-jerk "No! No! No!" type of person.  Not unlike Jack, Tia is not driving yet either---though her excuse is that she doesn't have access to the "type" of car she wants (of course that would be a 2019 Mustang convertible).  Tia does not have a part-time job and shows no interest in obtaining one.  Tia has no friends.  Tia "hates" social events generally speaking and would rather stay home than go anywhere with any one or more of her family members.  Tia also has a history of self injury (cutting) and, according to her mother, dresses for school like she is going to a GT convention (that would be "Game of Thrones" for the uninitiated).  (By the way, why are kids even watching GT when it's probably the most graphically offensive television series on cable today?  And we wonder why kids struggle with anxiety just sayin'!)  Tia also hates school and is doing terribly grades-wise.  Tia's college-age brother has found vaping paraphernalia multiple times in the family's basement, but has kept his mouth shut.  He already has experienced the "Wrath of Tia" whenever he has been forced to drive her somewhere and she doesn't want to go in the first place.  At this rate, Tia won't have to worry about college, because there's no way she'll be accepted anywhere if she manages to even graduate.  So...once again...what's wrong with this picture?

Chronic and severe-enough anxiety is what's wrong with this picture.  As any two kids can present in completely opposite ways (such as Jack and Tia described above), the common denominator here is their persistent and severe-enough anxiety.

I, myself, have also seen clients whose debilitating physical symptoms of anxiety is what motivated them to seek treatment.  "Phil" tightens up in his chest area, has difficulty breathing, and says his stomach feels like it is in knots while doing flips simultaneously.  "I've lived with this since 4th grade"...and whenever I got my physical exams, I kept waiting for the doctor to tell my parents I had some big disease",  Phil states.  "...but that never happened so I figured whatever was going on was something I had to live with forever."  In Phil's case, he has consistently chosen to push through his bodily sensations when they become intense;  however, Phil chose to seek psychotherapy because he's become so tired of his body feeling so badly.  "I just told my father what was going on a couple of weeks ago", says Phil.  "He was glad I told him, but he apologized right away too saying he had no idea I was struggling for so many years with feeling this bad."  Yep, it can be like that.  Unless we express what is going on within us to someone else, how is anyone supposed to understand what's up?  They just won't.

Flash forward to "Addie"...another former teen, now in her late 30's, who rolled a lot like Jack's "type" back when she was in high school.  Started driver's ed....even managed to get her license when 18 years old...but decided at 20 that she was "done" driving because it was "too stressful".  Hasn't driven ever since, by the way.  Addie did graduate from high school, but barely.  Regarding the job situation, Addie did manage to find part-time and even a full time job for a number of years as a custodian...but now hasn't worked at all for the past three years because "they weren't nice to me" at her last place of employment.  (Addie was fired, but it remains unclear at to why..)   In other words, Addie is in a self-imposed "retirement" that both of her parents have unfortunately condoned.  In Addie's case, she continues to live with her parents, as she never moved out of their home.  Addie is single, never married, and has no children.  Addie would be considered by many to be a "lovely" lady who adores her parents and enjoys their company best over all others.  Addie has no friends.  Addie has had no dates.  Addie is a 38 year old woman trapped inside the mind of an 80 year old.  Her life is essentially over before it even had a chance to begin...

So...reading these scenarios, what have you surmised about the power of chronic and ineffectively-treated anxiety running and ruling a young person's life?  If you haven't already guessed, anxiety can truly change a person's thinking to such a degree that it causes us to "freeze" as our own long-term treatment strategy.  Instead of achieving and accomplishing what we have been designed to do across all areas of our life, we end up doing not much else but surviving in our day-to-day existence---with or  without the "help" of our own substances of choice.

My own father, when he was alive, started smoking cigarettes at three years old!  Grant it, it wasn't in this country, but seriously?!  At that time, his own father had just died...and his paternal grandfather returned from the U.S. to "care" for his daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  That "care" most often took the form of regular beatings.  I'm actually surprised my father wasn't doing crack back then, but then again---this was in 1921 so guess not!  :-P  Sadly, in my father's case, he was a talented carpenter in his own adult life, but he was abysmally "absent" from I and my brother's lives as we grew up.  His own life-long anxiety did a major number on his ability to function as a responsible-enough adult man, husband, and father.  Complicated by his war experiences, he found his solace being anywhere else BUT home while he was alive.  So tragic...and so sad.  But that's how chronic and severe anxiety, without proper treatment, can absolutely run and ruin a person's life.

Here are a list of symptoms to pay attention to that would indicate your child/teenager has a "more than typical" issue with anxiety:

1.  Pattern of Avoidance

(Doesn't want to "do"....  Doesn't want to "be" with....  Doesn't want to "think about"...)

2.  Pattern of Isolation

(Most often chooses to be "alone" during free time...  Does not engage with family members/sibling(s) by choice within household...  Very few if any "real life" friends, in spite
of phone/online activity...)

3.  Pattern of Physical Problems

(Falls asleep too often or too easily... Chronic insomnia (can't fall asleep and/or stay asleep)...
Aches, pains, and/or vomiting not associated with a diagnosed medical condition...  Eating too much or too little...)

4.  Pattern of Substance Use and Abuse

("Up" (Central nervous system stimulant use) vs. "Down" (Central nervous system depressant use) in affect, mood, and behavior....  Sudden weight gain vs. weight loss...  Grades in school significantly change (in either direction!)…  Significant changes in self care practices (in either direction!).  Here, depending on what is being "used" to cope---stimulant use can actually make a person appear to be doing "much better" because they are doing "more" than they ever have historically!

5.  Pattern of Increased Risk Taking

(Suicidal ideation and/or acting out...  Running away....  Engaging in criminal activity (shoplifting, MIP, online "whatever", etc. etc.)…  Speeding tickets...  Sneaking out in middle of night...  Engaging in self or other-directed abuse...)

Help for kids with anxiety is just a phone call away.  www.psychologytoday.com presents the profiles and photos for psychotherapists and psychiatrists operating within your zip code area.  Just click on the "Find a Therapist" icon after you have typed in your zip code.  All of the therapists serving your zip code area will appear on screen, with their photos.  You then click on the photo, and their detailed information will pop up for your consideration and review.

Never forget that if nothing changes, then nothing changes.  Good luck!

Until next post...

Problem Suffering vs. Problem Solving...

When you think of your childhood history growing up with the parent(s) you did...how did he/she/they go about solving their significant problems?  For many of us, the problem of "money" was a significant issue---as in never enough and where did it all go so quickly.  As such, did your parent(s) actually ever solve and/or resolve that problem in their relationship for more than a minute?  Just asking.

In my case, my parents did not.  In actual fact, their whole lives were one big exercise in "suffering" over the ongoing and never-ending problem of "not enough money" between them.  Watching them fight and argue over money throughout my childhood, what I "thought" I learned from them was only the tip of the iceberg.  I never considered what their repeated drama about "money" taught me about becoming comfortably familiar with suffering over the same problem(s) more so than actually solving, resolving, or dissolving them.  By the time they each passed away, they had been through bankruptcy a few times...and the only "asset" to their name was a incoming monthly social security check.

When we think of suffering, we usually think about "it" as more to do with being physically sick or hurting emotionally in our present moments.  Rarely do we think about or consider how our present problems not yet solved...or resolved...or dissolved....contribute so significantly to our present suffering.

Just to recap...we can only "solve" a problem when it is our own problem to solve.  I can't solve your problems for you...and you can't solve my problems for me.  You wouldn't go to AA for me every week if I was a drunk;  neither would I brush your teeth for you every morning if you didn't care about maintaining your oral hygiene.  So---that's the first thing to remember about a problem you have.  If it's your own to solve...then it IS your own problem to solve and not anybody else's.  Using our money problem example, if you are someone who doesn't make enough to support yourself financially---why in God's name would you expect someone else to---and then get angry when they don't?  What kind of stupidity is that for real?  I mean, if you don't work---you don't eat.  It's that simple.  Needless to say, if you don't have a job--or don't have a full time job---or don't have job(s) that makes you enough $$ to support yourself financially---that is YOUR PROBLEM and nobody else's to solve!

Secondly, "resolving" a problem means that two or more people ARE involved in the problem's existence...and each party negotiates and agrees to "what" they each will do to resolve their present and shared problem.  When each party does their part as agreed, the problem is ultimately resolved.  (Messy house, not enough time spent together as a couple, kids' doing poorly in school, a family member with a drug problem who keeps asking for our "help", aging parents with increasing demands on our time and lives, etc. etc.).  In this case, the problem is shared because it takes two or more people working together to "resolve" the problem once and for all.

Last, "dissolving" a problem means making the decision (either individually or as a couple or as a family) to NOT let that particular problem "be" a problem for me/you/us any longer.  This is basically about accepting the circumstances as they are and not getting all hot and bothered about them anymore.  (the neighbor's yapping dog....the fact that your spouse is always late...his drinking issue...your infidelity...etc. etc.).  Yes, do you not think people actually "decide" to accept their spouse's drinking, infidelity, gambling, stealing---or whatever else they are willing to tolerate?  Of course they do!  Not that I agree with this type of logic, but it occurs all the time.  Just ask Wendy Williams (allegedly!).  ;-)

When we do not actively work to actually solve, resolve, or dissolve our present problems...guess what happens?  They keep popping up over time...they keep us stuck in a cyclone of arguing, fighting, and/or crying over them...and they teach everyone around us that "problem suffering" is its own thing we should and can get comfortably familiar with---and used to!

Funny how that works eh?  Staying stuck in our existing problem(s) is the gateway for learning how to accept ongoing suffering as associated with these unsolved, unresolved, and "can't accept it for what it is" problems!

I have worked with many individuals who have, after a while, complained about the issue of "Why am I doing all the work here?!" when, in fact, their partner/adult child/co-worker (whomever he or she is!) is doing very little---or nothing at all.  Yep, that's how it can go too.

The problem is "shared" and needs to be resolved.  You are doing your part....but your partner/adult child/co-worker isn't.  It can be like that.  And when the person who is actively working on the resolution of problem realizes that....there may need to be a shift from "resolving" the problem together---to "dissolving" the problem on your own.  Why do I say that?  Because if that other person involved isn't interested in doing their work to resolve your shared problem...your next step(s) become more limited.  You either dissolve the problem in your own mind ("Let it go!  Let it go!)...and, as a result, "accept" what is as something that can not change.  When you can't make the change(s) yourself to resolve the problem you share...you have no power to make the other person's change(s) for them.  Like the old saying goes, "Unless he's wearing a diaper, you can't change him!"  (LOL!)  This is how and why codependency as a lifestyle is such a sh** show of crazy.  People spend their lives trying to fix, save, and rescue someone else they love and care about---and all they really do is teach the other person to remain under-responsible, ungrateful, and unfortunate as a person!

Sometimes we just don't choose as wisely as we thought we did.  We make foolish and poor choices because we didn't think too deeply about the magnitude of our decision making at the time we made them.  We meet and get to know someone who has an issue with "lying"...and we keep overlooking it.  We put up with someone who gets "heated" pretty quickly when we don't agree with him or her...and we believe it's our own fault for their unexpected anger/angry outburst.  What.  The. F.?!

Problem suffering is not the solution.  It never is.  Time will  pass and your suffering will NOT end.  It will only become more intense...and potentially more complicated.  That's a fact.

Live in the truth.  Stop trying to play God in the lives of those you claim to love and care about.  You are not the solution.  You  never were.  Just a reminder....

Until next time...

Revelations....

What is your earliest memory of experiencing a major "Ah ha!" moment that you knew at the time you should NEVER ever forget?  It's funny about those moments, isn't it?  We tend to remember them when they are positive in nature;  we just as easily tend to forget them when they are not.  That's how it is.  Today's blog post is about revelations and the power they have to help us....to hurt us...and/or to keep us stuck in the never-ending middle of our present circumstances....

When it comes to our close personal relationships, the disappointments come easy.  We all have expectations.  I've blogged about that endless times before.  We expect what we do from whomever and whenever---and when what we expect doesn't happen, we initially feel that major pinch of disappointment.  Left unresolved or ignored altogether, the disappointments will mount as it relates to that particular person and our own expectations of them over time.  "I have asked you every time we get together to please be on time!" as one example.  "Do you think your clothes truly belong on the floor instead of inside the laundry hamper?" "Did you really need to drink those six beers again tonight?"  blah blah blah....

As disappointments mount because of what-we-find-offensive behaviors haven't changed...this is when anger rears its ugly head.  Anger is its own dysfunctional reward for the frustrations associated with being and feeling disappointed (over and over again!) and the inability to negotiate and compromise mutually-satisfying results.  Now add to the mix how the offender feels being told that he or she should change and do this because you asked---or said so.  Now we have the double whammy of anger working in both directions.  Nobody likes being told "what" to do, let alone feeling "I love you, now change!"

Over time, that anger can catch on fire and turn into rage;  that's not any surprise.  That anger and rage can also morph with time and more drama into deep resentment and bitterness.  When it gets to this point, the people involved in the relationship become basically as "bad" and as screwed up as each other (both abusive, both caught up in their "problem suffering", and both unable to see their way out of their present circumstances!)...or one has finally decided to find the courage to jump ship and leave the relationship for good.

When we were a young couple, my husband and I knew another couple where the wife was "too fat" for her husband.  And everybody knew it because he was that kind of husband...aka a d**k.  Although we didn't see them outside of the context of a social group we were part of...I felt terrible for her.  She literally walked around with her head down more often than up.  And he (for God knows what delusional reasons!) thought himself to be quite the BMOC (big man on campus) type.  Yes, he happened to be in shape, but his communication style was abysmal.  If he wasn't talking about what interested him, he wasn't interested!  You know, the one note song type of person:  ME ME ME ME ME!

ANYWAY, after about a year of him beotching about her weight whenever our group got together, word on the street was that he was having an affair with a beanpole from work.  One thing led to another and eventually the original couple here got divorced (and thankfully, no minor children attached to that hot mess either!).  About two years later I ran into his ex-wife.  She looked fabulous.  She had lost all the weight and was remarried and happy.  I asked her what motivated her decision to lose the weight she did;  she said it was getting rid of her first husband.  We laughed.  I understood.

Revelations can be like that too.  When the harsh judgments, false accusations, and nefarious behaviors fly fast and furiously...while the emotional support is extremely slim and/or non-existent...what else is there to know and realize?  We can only kid ourselves so long before we end up losing who we authentically are as a person---and our own ability to take proper care of ourselves on a regular basis.  The woman here released herself from her narcissistic and abusive spouse so she could finally be freed of his undue and never-ending negative influence over her.  Good for her!  The truth was revealed and she paid attention to it, acted on it, and got the heck out before it was too late.

My last blog post was about the Wendy Williams saga.  Since writing that post, more drama.  Of COURSE...more drama!  Allegedly her husband bought her a $40,000 watch;  oh no, wait!  The watch wasn't bought this way and when---it was bought that way and upgraded.  WTF?!  I tell ya, this is turning into Watch-what-happens-live-gate faster than one can blink!  He allegedly wants to separate;  she allegedly wants to remain married.  WHATEVER DUDES!  If all these allegations about their marriage are true, guess what?  Wendy likes it like that!  Women have been putting up with their husbands' alleged affairs since the beginning of mankind!  And...??  If she or any other woman is willing to tolerate what she has for however long, then that's what she is choosing to do, period.

This isn't rocket science.  We make choices every day.  We realize certain truths every day also when we are open to receiving them.  I asked a pothead once if they ever stopped to count how much dope they smoke in a day;  this person told me the better question to ask would be when did they ever NOT smoke dope for a day.  LOL.  Can't argue that logic.  We are who we are and we know what we choose and why.

I'm all for choosing revelations and the power they have to transform us into better people.  Life may not be easy, but it isn't cheap either.  Every day is a gift;  squandering our gifts on the wrong people, places, or things...not a good way to live just sayin'.  Unless you, of course, like it like that.

Until next time...