Sue and Johnny (not their real names) have been married for 12 years. When they met, Sue was extremely excited about having met Johnny at a mutual friend's party. "He's so handsome; he made me laugh...and he's got a great job", her friends remember Sue saying. Johnny, on the other hand, was equally enamored by Sue. "She's beautiful; she is working on her doctorate degree...and she's totally into me!"
After about a year of dating, Sue and Johnny married. It wasn't until year five of their marriage that Sue came in to see me. "He's obsessed with money!", she exclaimed, "....nothing matters more to him than how much we're making...how much I'm spending...and how little we're saving." Sue went on to say that Johnny also suffered from unpredictable and explosive outbursts of temper, was extremely judgmental, and socially isolated himself (and them) from others. "I feel like I'm married to Jekyll and Hyde", she cried. "He'll put on a good front once in a while for others and in public...but when it's just us, he's more often negative, hypercritical, and angry." Eventually Johnny came in and had a very different take on their marital situation. "Sue never shuts up about Sue", Johnny remarked. "She is so fixated on her own problems at work and with her brothers and father, she could literally talk about them 24/7 if I allowed it." Johnny added that Sue was also extremely irresponsible about how she spent her time and money in the context of their marriage. "Sue is into rescuing greyhounds like nobody else on earth does it", he said. "She has spent thousands of dollars over the course of the past 12 years on these damn dogs that come and go out of here like a bustop."
Clearly, seeing Sue and Johnny independently from one another opened my eyes to some of the lifetraps and lovetraps each of them struggled with.
Both Sue and Johnny grew up in homes where getting their own needs met was a hit and miss endeavor. Both had one abusive and explosive parent. Both also had a detached and generally uninvolved "other" parent/parent figure. For Sue, her father and stepfather were both this way. For Johnny, his mother was often "busy" and focused on anything else but Johnny and his siblings. In the end, both Sue and Johnny grew up believing (the lie) that anyone each became close to would either abandon them (emotionally or otherwise) or betray them (significantly). Given their respective childhood experience(s), Sue and Johnny developed a schema (pattern of thinking) which taught them how people can't and won't be there for you (literally and/or figuratively)...even when they are your parents. Beyond that, they also learned that love and betrayal went together like fish in water. To make matters worse, no one could predict exactly when the betrayal or abandonment would happen...it just did. It always did.
Needless to say, Sue and Johnny had a lot of work to do as it related to just "one" of their respective lifetraps; a specific lifetrap (schema) having to do with disconnection and rejection...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Lifetraps and Lovetraps...
Just taped three shows today for our radio program "Sunday Sessions" on WJR 760 AM here in the "D" (Detroit). Our subject was lifetraps and lovetraps. My colleague (Dr. Gail Majcher) and I are very excited about these shows because the subject matter really gets to the heart of how anyone can begin to "get better" in the context of their own stinkin' thinkin'.
To begin, we all have developed certain patterns of thinking that we believe to be "true" no matter what. In psychology, these patterns of thinking are called "schema" and there are 18 of them that each of us have developed no matter who we are, where we come from, or where we are now in our lives. Some of these patterns related to issues concerning "Disconnection and Rejection" (known as a Schema Domain). There are five Schema Domains under which each of the 18 schemas, or patterns of thinking, are classified.
Of course, very few people are going to "know" or pick up on the idea that their own thinking may be contributing to their general dis-satisfaction with life and relationships. After all, who seriously stops themselves after experiencing a sense of deep betrayal by a loved one and says, "Oh geez, this feeling I have and my desire to slap this person across the face right now must be tied directly to my schema of abandonment?" No, not going to happen. YET, when we become aware of what these various "maladaptive" schemas are and how we are completely capable of changing them (for the better!), then we WILL be able to get ourselves to someplace better in our own lives and important relationships. Sometimes that requires the assistance of a good psychotherapist, sometimes it involves getting into the right support group.....and it definitely involves learning how to comfortably and appropriately IDENTIFY and EXPRESS our authentic feelings, needs, and wants to each other in a timely manner!
Dr. Jeffrey Young from Columbia Medical Center is the clinical psychologist who introduced schema therapy to the masses some years ago. Oprah magazine featured his work in an article entitled "Lovetraps 101" in 2007. I suggest you look it up and review it for a good overview of what schemas and schema therapy is all about. In the meantime, here's to freeing ourselves from the traps of our own stinkin' thinkin'!
To begin, we all have developed certain patterns of thinking that we believe to be "true" no matter what. In psychology, these patterns of thinking are called "schema" and there are 18 of them that each of us have developed no matter who we are, where we come from, or where we are now in our lives. Some of these patterns related to issues concerning "Disconnection and Rejection" (known as a Schema Domain). There are five Schema Domains under which each of the 18 schemas, or patterns of thinking, are classified.
Of course, very few people are going to "know" or pick up on the idea that their own thinking may be contributing to their general dis-satisfaction with life and relationships. After all, who seriously stops themselves after experiencing a sense of deep betrayal by a loved one and says, "Oh geez, this feeling I have and my desire to slap this person across the face right now must be tied directly to my schema of abandonment?" No, not going to happen. YET, when we become aware of what these various "maladaptive" schemas are and how we are completely capable of changing them (for the better!), then we WILL be able to get ourselves to someplace better in our own lives and important relationships. Sometimes that requires the assistance of a good psychotherapist, sometimes it involves getting into the right support group.....and it definitely involves learning how to comfortably and appropriately IDENTIFY and EXPRESS our authentic feelings, needs, and wants to each other in a timely manner!
Dr. Jeffrey Young from Columbia Medical Center is the clinical psychologist who introduced schema therapy to the masses some years ago. Oprah magazine featured his work in an article entitled "Lovetraps 101" in 2007. I suggest you look it up and review it for a good overview of what schemas and schema therapy is all about. In the meantime, here's to freeing ourselves from the traps of our own stinkin' thinkin'!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Bible...and My Recovery
I have a really great Bible. It's called the "Recovery Devotional Bible" and I absolutely love it. Before I got it several years ago, I wasn't really much of a Bible reader. Growing up, we weren't really encouraged to read the Bible; instead, we were told to listen to the priest during the Sunday service (who didn't even speak in English!) and be sure to stand up/sit down on cue. When I finally got a hold of a Bible to actually look inside of it, I had NO idea what it was saying. Thee, thou, goest, begotten...whatever! It didn't make any sense to me.
As an adult, I found that there were "other" translations of the Bible available besides the King James Version of my youth. Ultimately, I settled in on the New International Version (NIV)...and ultimately found what I use and rely on most now-a-days....my Recovery Devotional Bible.
As a therapist, I am not in the business of judging my clients (or anyone else for that matter!) regarding their spiritual world view--or lack thereof. Yet I am a FIRM believer in the "spiritual" part of our human condition as being a very important component part we must address as part of our own recovery process. We are physical....we are mental...we are emotional...we are social...and we are spiritual beings. Taken altogether, this is what makes us uniquely human and different from our animal counterparts. Animals don't get drunk or high and jump off bridges when they reach the end of their own rope. Animals don't conspire to commit murder because of what so-and-so did to them. I could go on, but I think you get the point.
When asking yourself the "big" questions of life such as "Why am I here?" "What's the point of me being here?" "What happens to me when I die?" "What is love and where did it originate?" "How do I find real inner peace when there is no peace in my life?" "How can I obtain true hope when all seems so bleak?"----these are the issues that go right to the heart of one's spiritual condition.
Without examining what you believe to be true about the universe and your presence in it....you are ignoring a big piece of who you are as a fellow human being. Exploring your spirituality isn't going to kill you; actually, it can represent the greatest gift you've ever received...
As an adult, I found that there were "other" translations of the Bible available besides the King James Version of my youth. Ultimately, I settled in on the New International Version (NIV)...and ultimately found what I use and rely on most now-a-days....my Recovery Devotional Bible.
As a therapist, I am not in the business of judging my clients (or anyone else for that matter!) regarding their spiritual world view--or lack thereof. Yet I am a FIRM believer in the "spiritual" part of our human condition as being a very important component part we must address as part of our own recovery process. We are physical....we are mental...we are emotional...we are social...and we are spiritual beings. Taken altogether, this is what makes us uniquely human and different from our animal counterparts. Animals don't get drunk or high and jump off bridges when they reach the end of their own rope. Animals don't conspire to commit murder because of what so-and-so did to them. I could go on, but I think you get the point.
When asking yourself the "big" questions of life such as "Why am I here?" "What's the point of me being here?" "What happens to me when I die?" "What is love and where did it originate?" "How do I find real inner peace when there is no peace in my life?" "How can I obtain true hope when all seems so bleak?"----these are the issues that go right to the heart of one's spiritual condition.
Without examining what you believe to be true about the universe and your presence in it....you are ignoring a big piece of who you are as a fellow human being. Exploring your spirituality isn't going to kill you; actually, it can represent the greatest gift you've ever received...
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Age of Information....
If you don't already know, we are living in the Age of Information. Big time. I log in on the net every morning...and within seconds I know that Tila Tequila had rocks and feces thrown at her while performing at a Juggalo fest in Illinois. I find out that Dr. Laura is qutting radio after using the "N" word eleven times during one of her recent radio programs. The lettuce in my refrigerator has been recalled for possibly being contaminated with listeria. A Facebook friend loves the Boy Scouts and my best friend in Florida can't wait to see me soon.
Wow. I remember the "olden days" when if I wanted to get in touch with someone who didn't live right down the block or within walking distance of my house...I had to write them a letter and mail it! Yes, there was a telephone, but that was off limits (to me and my brother) unless it was a bona-fide homework-related emergency. And even under those circumstances, 3-5 minutes was "it" in terms of talk time before the receiver was instantly swiped out of one's hand and put back up in its cradle.
If I wanted to find something out on my own, I had to go to the library and look it up. That was the "internet" circa 1960s and early 70s. The first computer I ever saw was in my high school's "data processing" class and it took up most of the room. There was no such thing as a PC, let alone a PC that allowed you to view it like a television set.
Needless to say, it has become very easy for many of us to slip into "denial" mode in coping with our information overloaded-culture. From not "doing" the internet at all to not doing anything much in life at all...this age of information has impacted us in more ways than the obvious.
So my question today is this: If information is power, how is it that so many experience it more as powerlessness instead? I'm just asking....
Wow. I remember the "olden days" when if I wanted to get in touch with someone who didn't live right down the block or within walking distance of my house...I had to write them a letter and mail it! Yes, there was a telephone, but that was off limits (to me and my brother) unless it was a bona-fide homework-related emergency. And even under those circumstances, 3-5 minutes was "it" in terms of talk time before the receiver was instantly swiped out of one's hand and put back up in its cradle.
If I wanted to find something out on my own, I had to go to the library and look it up. That was the "internet" circa 1960s and early 70s. The first computer I ever saw was in my high school's "data processing" class and it took up most of the room. There was no such thing as a PC, let alone a PC that allowed you to view it like a television set.
Needless to say, it has become very easy for many of us to slip into "denial" mode in coping with our information overloaded-culture. From not "doing" the internet at all to not doing anything much in life at all...this age of information has impacted us in more ways than the obvious.
So my question today is this: If information is power, how is it that so many experience it more as powerlessness instead? I'm just asking....
Insanity...
I don't think there are too many people left who haven't heard or read this in the past: Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result....
Yet, that's exactly what I see (over and over again!) as a psychotherapist working with clients of all ages. Do you need examples? I've got a million of them. How about the bewildered husband who can't understand why his wife is so "stressed out" all the time when there are five kids, two dogs, and he primarily functions as kid #6 whenever he is home for more than an hour or two? Or the single adult woman who can't find a boyfriend yet wants to be married and have a family one day...but rarely leaves the house except to go to work and back? The tenth grader who is already able to put away a fifth of vodka every weekend and claims it helps her to "feel better" in spite of the fact she can't and won't articulate what she feels "bad" about in the first place!? I hope you're getting the picture here.
So what are we to do "really" when we are stuck repeating the same patterns (of thinking and of feeling and of behaving) that KEEP leading to the same dysfunctional end results?
As a first step, take a sheet of paper and write the following down on it: STOP! RELAX! THINK! ACT!
Post it on every wall you find yourself looking at on a daily basis. As simple as this sounds, it may be the first and most important step in motivating you to focus appropriately on what's going on inside your head and heart before you kick them both with your own dysfunctional (and repeat) behaviors. For you see, what comes to us naturally is just the opposite: we often ACT first and THINK last...if at all. And since we are creatures of habit, it can be very difficult to put a stop to any of our own ACTions if we believe (the lie) that repeated dysfunctional behaviors can lead to positive (and functional!) end results!
So the next time you are tempted to do or say that something that hasn't worked before to achieve (fill in the blank), do yourself a favor and STOP, RELAX, and THINK about it first. Your son isn't going to stop being a drug addict because you gave him money (again!) this month to pay his rent; your husband isn't going to be more responsible because you keep doing everything for him and then some.
Think of it this way if you must: Act. Stop. Relax. Think. And you wonder why you have problems?
Yet, that's exactly what I see (over and over again!) as a psychotherapist working with clients of all ages. Do you need examples? I've got a million of them. How about the bewildered husband who can't understand why his wife is so "stressed out" all the time when there are five kids, two dogs, and he primarily functions as kid #6 whenever he is home for more than an hour or two? Or the single adult woman who can't find a boyfriend yet wants to be married and have a family one day...but rarely leaves the house except to go to work and back? The tenth grader who is already able to put away a fifth of vodka every weekend and claims it helps her to "feel better" in spite of the fact she can't and won't articulate what she feels "bad" about in the first place!? I hope you're getting the picture here.
So what are we to do "really" when we are stuck repeating the same patterns (of thinking and of feeling and of behaving) that KEEP leading to the same dysfunctional end results?
As a first step, take a sheet of paper and write the following down on it: STOP! RELAX! THINK! ACT!
Post it on every wall you find yourself looking at on a daily basis. As simple as this sounds, it may be the first and most important step in motivating you to focus appropriately on what's going on inside your head and heart before you kick them both with your own dysfunctional (and repeat) behaviors. For you see, what comes to us naturally is just the opposite: we often ACT first and THINK last...if at all. And since we are creatures of habit, it can be very difficult to put a stop to any of our own ACTions if we believe (the lie) that repeated dysfunctional behaviors can lead to positive (and functional!) end results!
So the next time you are tempted to do or say that something that hasn't worked before to achieve (fill in the blank), do yourself a favor and STOP, RELAX, and THINK about it first. Your son isn't going to stop being a drug addict because you gave him money (again!) this month to pay his rent; your husband isn't going to be more responsible because you keep doing everything for him and then some.
Think of it this way if you must: Act. Stop. Relax. Think. And you wonder why you have problems?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
This Pain Thang..and how Forgiveness Fits In!
You may be wondering how my last post is connected to the issue of forgiveness. I promised "next time" in post #2 to this blog that I'd talk about that (forgiveness that is). So here I am to do so...
Forgiveness is a choice, just as is living in the muck and remaining traumatically bonded to those who have hurt us in the past. Although everybody's story is different....having had a traumatic childhood, then picking the wrong girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse, then not achieving one's career goals and aspirations, then financially struggling with no end in sight (need I go on?) can lead to one's life feeling like one giant cluster cluck (I'm keeping it G-rated today folks)!
When we don't do the work to move past our painful and traumatic experiences, in an appropriate way, we are pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again (or re-enact them at the very least) all on a subconscious level. Some of us also have an issue with the thousand yard stare; we can't listen to too much without "checking out" mentally and just staring ahead into space (like that counts for paying attention?!). We may also find ourselves talking about the same negative stuff over and over again like it's our job...without realizing that most of the people who know us and care about us are REAL tired of hearing about our depression, or our screwed up life, or what a creeper Uncle Herbert was back in the day, etc. etc.
Although we can't ever truly get "over" our past trauma...we certainly can learn the lessons from back there, and move past what we endured in a healthier and more enlightened way. To repeat, this pain thang CAN teach us a whole lot when we allow it to. Then of course we can practice those lessons we have learned in our present life so we don't make similar poor choices again...and again...and again!
I recognize that everyone's story is different. Some of you reading this believe you had a truly good enough family of origin. Your parents did the best they could with what they had (and you know it)...yes, your one brother may have struggled with unresolved anger issues and used you as a punching bag every now and then...and one time there was the incident where he fondled you inappropriately in front of his best friend (but you remember these things and claim to be "past it")..blah blah blah.
But what YOU have to consider now is why you keep your kids away from your brother and his family and would rather "not" talk to him if you can at all help it at family events? Or why you let your brother babysit your kids without a care in the world as to what he may do if any of them piss him off---or arouse him! Oh, and wait? Wasn't that your brother's sixth beer this afternoon at the family reunion picnic? Do you get my point? We can say we've forgiven someone or that we've "done our forgiveness work"..when in truth, we have not. We remain clueless and oblivious and haven't learned any lesson(s) at all from what came before us. This is not a good thing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiving someone who hurt you isn't about sending them (or yourself!) the message that what they did to you was "o.k." or "no big deal". Nor does it mean that you can suddenly "trust" your past perpetrator(s) like they have done their work to heal, change, and grow. Quite the opposite in fact. Forgiveness is opening up the door to the mental prison cell you have been confined to with that other person...and walking out of it forever. We call it breaking the traumatic bond(s) between yourself and the other person(s) who hurt you so deeply.
I trained in a prison, so the analogy here IMHO is pretty powerful. Have you ever seen how small a prison cell is these days? Can you imagine being locked up with the person who hurt you "most" or "most often"...let alone ALL of them from your past? Talk about driving yourself nuts! And yet forgiveness is the ONLY thing that will free you up enough to walk out of that cell and into the light of day. If you choose to go back into that same prison cell every night, that's on you. Unfortunately, this can happen each and every time you are reminded of and/or triggered by something in the "here and now" that reminds you of your traumatic past. What we must learn is to allow yourself to stop, relax, think, and forgive (again and again if need be) in those moments. Forgiveness IS a decision...and a decision we may need to make multiple times in a day...or a week...or a month...or a year. And don't be using substances to "relax" either. That's a whole other issue that can be created in our attempt to forget what what haven't even authentically forgiven yet!
It has been said that unforgiveness is like holding hot coals in your hands with the intention of throwing them at the person who hurt you. YOU are holding the hot coals...not them! YOUR hands are burning...not theirs! Ironic how perpetrators of abusive behavior sleep pretty darn good most of the time. That's due to the fact that the majority of them don't have a conscience to worry about. Victims or survivors of abuse, on the other hand, can have a terrible problem with falling asleep or staying asleep. Geez! Wonder why that is? NOT! Between our own inability to take consistent care of ourselves, whatever remnants of unforgiveness we still harbor against our abusers, stress, uncontrollable circumstances, etc. etc....we can end up feeling and functioning as a right mess.
Consider forgiveness work as part of your own healing journey.
Forgiveness is a choice, just as is living in the muck and remaining traumatically bonded to those who have hurt us in the past. Although everybody's story is different....having had a traumatic childhood, then picking the wrong girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse, then not achieving one's career goals and aspirations, then financially struggling with no end in sight (need I go on?) can lead to one's life feeling like one giant cluster cluck (I'm keeping it G-rated today folks)!
When we don't do the work to move past our painful and traumatic experiences, in an appropriate way, we are pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again (or re-enact them at the very least) all on a subconscious level. Some of us also have an issue with the thousand yard stare; we can't listen to too much without "checking out" mentally and just staring ahead into space (like that counts for paying attention?!). We may also find ourselves talking about the same negative stuff over and over again like it's our job...without realizing that most of the people who know us and care about us are REAL tired of hearing about our depression, or our screwed up life, or what a creeper Uncle Herbert was back in the day, etc. etc.
Although we can't ever truly get "over" our past trauma...we certainly can learn the lessons from back there, and move past what we endured in a healthier and more enlightened way. To repeat, this pain thang CAN teach us a whole lot when we allow it to. Then of course we can practice those lessons we have learned in our present life so we don't make similar poor choices again...and again...and again!
I recognize that everyone's story is different. Some of you reading this believe you had a truly good enough family of origin. Your parents did the best they could with what they had (and you know it)...yes, your one brother may have struggled with unresolved anger issues and used you as a punching bag every now and then...and one time there was the incident where he fondled you inappropriately in front of his best friend (but you remember these things and claim to be "past it")..blah blah blah.
But what YOU have to consider now is why you keep your kids away from your brother and his family and would rather "not" talk to him if you can at all help it at family events? Or why you let your brother babysit your kids without a care in the world as to what he may do if any of them piss him off---or arouse him! Oh, and wait? Wasn't that your brother's sixth beer this afternoon at the family reunion picnic? Do you get my point? We can say we've forgiven someone or that we've "done our forgiveness work"..when in truth, we have not. We remain clueless and oblivious and haven't learned any lesson(s) at all from what came before us. This is not a good thing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiving someone who hurt you isn't about sending them (or yourself!) the message that what they did to you was "o.k." or "no big deal". Nor does it mean that you can suddenly "trust" your past perpetrator(s) like they have done their work to heal, change, and grow. Quite the opposite in fact. Forgiveness is opening up the door to the mental prison cell you have been confined to with that other person...and walking out of it forever. We call it breaking the traumatic bond(s) between yourself and the other person(s) who hurt you so deeply.
I trained in a prison, so the analogy here IMHO is pretty powerful. Have you ever seen how small a prison cell is these days? Can you imagine being locked up with the person who hurt you "most" or "most often"...let alone ALL of them from your past? Talk about driving yourself nuts! And yet forgiveness is the ONLY thing that will free you up enough to walk out of that cell and into the light of day. If you choose to go back into that same prison cell every night, that's on you. Unfortunately, this can happen each and every time you are reminded of and/or triggered by something in the "here and now" that reminds you of your traumatic past. What we must learn is to allow yourself to stop, relax, think, and forgive (again and again if need be) in those moments. Forgiveness IS a decision...and a decision we may need to make multiple times in a day...or a week...or a month...or a year. And don't be using substances to "relax" either. That's a whole other issue that can be created in our attempt to forget what what haven't even authentically forgiven yet!
It has been said that unforgiveness is like holding hot coals in your hands with the intention of throwing them at the person who hurt you. YOU are holding the hot coals...not them! YOUR hands are burning...not theirs! Ironic how perpetrators of abusive behavior sleep pretty darn good most of the time. That's due to the fact that the majority of them don't have a conscience to worry about. Victims or survivors of abuse, on the other hand, can have a terrible problem with falling asleep or staying asleep. Geez! Wonder why that is? NOT! Between our own inability to take consistent care of ourselves, whatever remnants of unforgiveness we still harbor against our abusers, stress, uncontrollable circumstances, etc. etc....we can end up feeling and functioning as a right mess.
Consider forgiveness work as part of your own healing journey.
This Pain Thang...
Earth is the psychiatric unit of the universe. How do I know this is true? Well, for one thing, I have paid attention to what has been going on around me for these last fifty-odd years when it comes to people and the ways in which we think, feel, and behave. Even as a little kid, I knew something was WAY wrong when my mother locked me in her bedroom in order to go off "shopping" for hours on end without any other adult supervision present in our home. I also knew something was up after my brother was born and I saw a babysitter trying to breastfeed him when he got his milk from a bottle!
As the years progressed and I realized that I might as well have been an alien from another planet given the household I was dropped into and the "family" who surrounded me, I somehow figured out that life outside of my house was probably a better bet than living my life within it. I can remember walking to various houses around our block at four years old, knocking on doors, and asking "Do you have a kid here my age who I can play with?" before moving on to the next house. During those search and recognizance missions, I met some very kindly adults who actually behaved in a complete opposite manner from my own parents. That was the beginning of my journey away from the legacy of pain handed down to me by my family on both sides---and into a world of relationships that was (hopefully!) healthier, saner, and more pleasant to be around.
Don't get me wrong. Some of the places I ended up at or in weren't actually "safer" at all. I remember one of my babysitters whose adult son decided I was his "girlfriend" when he was eighteen years older than me. I also recall the neighborhood "hoodlums" who used the woods across my street as their base of operation. There was a lot of crazy going on...along with a lot of pain.
So what about this pain thang and what it can do to a person? I don't know how many books have been written on this topic for as long as we've been around to write them---do you? A thousand? Ten thousand? A million? Who knows! Pain is something that has always been and will always be forever linked to our human condition. Experts say the pain begins as soon as we begin to make our entrance into this world. That would refer to literal or physical pain, by the way. Newsflash moment: same is true for the mother delivering that newborn baby. Yet isn't it ironic that the physical pain associated with childbirth isn't typically "remembered" in the same way as the emotional pain of being sexually abused as a child...or being harshly judged by others? When the pain we experience can be viewed as necessary in accomplishing some greater good (like delivering a baby into this world!)...we can and do manage to move past it
So where does bravery, courage, patience, and self-control come from (just to name handful of "character"- based virtues)? Do you develop them as a result of downing a Fifth of Jack every weekend...or staying in bed all day because you feel depressed? iron sharpens iron. You can't create steel by just taking a piece of raw metal and then hoping for the best. It has to be subjected to a LOT of friction. And I do mean a LOT of friction. It's the same with us human beings. Pain can be and is a great teacher....when we allow it to be. If we don't, it'll mess us up physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, AND spiritually for longer than we ever imagined possible.
Yes of course pain stinks (except for those who are "into" it...again, another blog for another time!). But when you reframe your thinking about what pain can do to refine you (like that raw metal that can eventually be transformed successfully into steel)...you may find that you aren't as hesitant to just "experience" it when it happens (anymore!) and instead actually focus on what "it" is teaching you (in terms of your own bigger picture that is!).
For me personally, one thing the pain from my childhood taught me was other-directedness (which means being able to "read" other people's non-verbal cues and body language quickerthanyoucanreadthis!). Back then, this functioned for me as a protective measure to (hopefully!) prevent me from experiencing "more" pain for lack of paying attention to "whom" I was with! As an adult, I have learned that my ability to be "other directed" is really part of a package I received in learning how to attend to, care for, and assist others in overcoming their own painful pasts.
Now what if I didn't allow myself to "learn" this as a result of my painful past? What if (for example) I said "Screw This!" and just devoted myself to partying up a storm...finding and acquiring a different boyfriend every month...and focused myself on living off the fat of other peoples' backs? My POINT is this pain "thang" is something that has a purpose and the potential for positive end results---when you allow it. Did I tell you I plan on getting my philosophy about this whole issue tattooed on my inner forearm later this year? Yeah, I do. Romans 8:28
As the years progressed and I realized that I might as well have been an alien from another planet given the household I was dropped into and the "family" who surrounded me, I somehow figured out that life outside of my house was probably a better bet than living my life within it. I can remember walking to various houses around our block at four years old, knocking on doors, and asking "Do you have a kid here my age who I can play with?" before moving on to the next house. During those search and recognizance missions, I met some very kindly adults who actually behaved in a complete opposite manner from my own parents. That was the beginning of my journey away from the legacy of pain handed down to me by my family on both sides---and into a world of relationships that was (hopefully!) healthier, saner, and more pleasant to be around.
Don't get me wrong. Some of the places I ended up at or in weren't actually "safer" at all. I remember one of my babysitters whose adult son decided I was his "girlfriend" when he was eighteen years older than me. I also recall the neighborhood "hoodlums" who used the woods across my street as their base of operation. There was a lot of crazy going on...along with a lot of pain.
So what about this pain thang and what it can do to a person? I don't know how many books have been written on this topic for as long as we've been around to write them---do you? A thousand? Ten thousand? A million? Who knows! Pain is something that has always been and will always be forever linked to our human condition. Experts say the pain begins as soon as we begin to make our entrance into this world. That would refer to literal or physical pain, by the way. Newsflash moment: same is true for the mother delivering that newborn baby. Yet isn't it ironic that the physical pain associated with childbirth isn't typically "remembered" in the same way as the emotional pain of being sexually abused as a child...or being harshly judged by others? When the pain we experience can be viewed as necessary in accomplishing some greater good (like delivering a baby into this world!)...we can and do manage to move past it
So where does bravery, courage, patience, and self-control come from (just to name handful of "character"- based virtues)? Do you develop them as a result of downing a Fifth of Jack every weekend...or staying in bed all day because you feel depressed? iron sharpens iron. You can't create steel by just taking a piece of raw metal and then hoping for the best. It has to be subjected to a LOT of friction. And I do mean a LOT of friction. It's the same with us human beings. Pain can be and is a great teacher....when we allow it to be. If we don't, it'll mess us up physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, AND spiritually for longer than we ever imagined possible.
Yes of course pain stinks (except for those who are "into" it...again, another blog for another time!). But when you reframe your thinking about what pain can do to refine you (like that raw metal that can eventually be transformed successfully into steel)...you may find that you aren't as hesitant to just "experience" it when it happens (anymore!) and instead actually focus on what "it" is teaching you (in terms of your own bigger picture that is!).
For me personally, one thing the pain from my childhood taught me was other-directedness (which means being able to "read" other people's non-verbal cues and body language quickerthanyoucanreadthis!). Back then, this functioned for me as a protective measure to (hopefully!) prevent me from experiencing "more" pain for lack of paying attention to "whom" I was with! As an adult, I have learned that my ability to be "other directed" is really part of a package I received in learning how to attend to, care for, and assist others in overcoming their own painful pasts.
Now what if I didn't allow myself to "learn" this as a result of my painful past? What if (for example) I said "Screw This!" and just devoted myself to partying up a storm...finding and acquiring a different boyfriend every month...and focused myself on living off the fat of other peoples' backs? My POINT is this pain "thang" is something that has a purpose and the potential for positive end results---when you allow it. Did I tell you I plan on getting my philosophy about this whole issue tattooed on my inner forearm later this year? Yeah, I do. Romans 8:28
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