1. To feel in control/powerful over people, circumstances, and situations whenever possible,
2. To feel pleasure/good/euphoric whenever possible, and
3. To avoid personal and professional responsibility whenever possible.
Yes, this is how it is when we function as a codependent "taker" throughout our life without even really understanding what it is we are doing over and over again to ourselves---and to other people around us.
When we adopt this "taker" way of relating to other people, these are the folks who expect a whole lot from everyone else, period. There is no equality, there is no mutual respect, and there certainly isn't any honesty in exchanging information between themselves and 'the other' whomever he/she/they may be.
Codependent takers are the people who never stop chasing power, pleasure, and avoidance of personal responsiblity for as long as they are with us.
Think about your own circle of family, friends, and others whom you see on a regular enough basis. Who are the codependent takers among them? Are you, yourself, a codependent taker? This isn't rocket science. You either function more as a "taker" in your relationship life....or as more of a "giver". Which one are you?
So what about codependent "givers"? These are the people who choose these three things as their life's mission without always being consciously aware of it:
1. To receive acceptance from him/her/them whenever possible,
2. To receive approval from him/her/them whenever possible, and
3. To receive "like"and/or "love" from him/her/them whenever possible.
As such, codependent givers are the acceptance, approval, and love addicts among us. That's what they live for. That's what they constantly crave from other people. Is it any wonder why we refer to codependent givers as "people pleasers"? This is because they are. It's their life's work and mission.
So at this point, do you want the good new or the bad news?
The good news is that everyone is capable of breaking the bondage of codependency as a relationship lifestyle and stop reducing themselves and others down to being just "takers" or just "givers" with other people. How codependency is broken is by adopting the healthier "interdependent" lifestyle which teaches all of us how to function without feeling like either a "master" or "slave" to others.
The bad news is that we are ALL of us both "takers" and "givers" when we are codependent. We aren't just one way or the other. Why? Because it depends who we are with that determines whether we are addicted to them (as a codependent "giver" constantly wanting their acceptance, approval, and love...) and/or we want them to become addicted to us (as a codependent "taker" constantly looking to feel power, pleasure, and to avoid our own responsibilities at his/her/their expense)!
What a hot mess!
Codependency is people addiction. Doesn't matter who is addicted to who or how and under what circumstances. People are just objects to use...or be used by. Including myself. Including you. Including the whole wide world of people out there.
People are also NOT equal. Someone is always in the "higher up" (one-up position) or the "lower down" (one-down position). Nobody is truly equal to anybody else. "That group! They are beneath us! Don't ever forget that!" "Oh, her! She's VERY important! You don't want to set a foot wrong with her! She has influence!" (Spare me!)
Codependency also teaches us that people are NOT worthy of mutual respect, including ourselves. "Well, he didn't really mean it when he swore at me/hit me/lied to me/cheated on me..." "Oh, that was just one mistake! Can't you get over it by now?!" No self-respect and/or respect for others means that we are vulnerable to doing or allowing "anything" because there are no boundaries of any kind in place. "Hi, I'm going to be in town on Friday so be sure to get over to Walmart and get me some cheesecake, those chips I like, a six-pack of Framboise...see you at 7!"
Yeah, like that.
Codependency also teaches us that being DISHONEST is normal, and being honest is a fool's game.
As such, nobody gets to genuinely understand each other because everyone keeps lying to each other in both the big and small ways. There can NEVER be any "into-me-you-see" authentic emotional intimacy (like what is true among best friends) because nobody knows how to comfortably identify and express to others "who" they genuinely are and what they genuinely believe, think, feel, and experience while they are here to share it!
Can you see how making good decisions is definitely "affected" when a person is codependent and doesn't even know it...yet?
Well, now you have a clue. Get into therapy if you want help with breaking free from this relationship lifestyle you didn't even know what a lifestyle...until this moment!
Until next post...