When I was in graduate school, I received part of my training at a local hospital. One night, a couple came through the ER because the husband was actively suicidal. I was assigned to interview him before he could be seen by one of the ER docs. As it turned out, he was suicidal because of a secret he and his wife had kept from their children. The first part of their shared "secret" was no surprise; many couples choose to NOT let their child(ren) know that mom and/or dad had been married before they met each other. I can understand the logic here if the union produced no child(ren) AND the "ex" spouse was abusive and/or actively addicted to some substance or process. No one likes to be reminded of our major past mistakes; however, we must always learn the lessons from back then so we can apply them "now" in our present lives. Without learning our lessons and making whatever positive changes we need to make, we can be easily blinded into making the same mistakes in choosing our next "person" again...and again...and again.
But I digress. With this couple I saw, it was true that their children didn't know about their dad having been married once before. However, there was more to the story. Dad had also lost his parental rights to his first family of children, because dad was imprisoned for attempted murder while he was married to their mother. Yeah, it was like that. So....rightly or wrongly...dad and his second wife chose not to reveal this part of his history to the children they created together. Instead, he went through periodic episodes of severe depression and suicidal ideation, all coinciding with the anniversary date of the time he attempted to murder his intended victim.
So, in this case...the worst did happen. He was convicted, imprisoned, and of course did his time in the big house. When he met his next wife years after his release, he was a church-going man who had been sober for more than five years. She had never been married, had no children of her own, and was living with her mother. Recipe for disaster? What was the worst that could happen now? Well, I know I found out that night in the ER when he was wanting to kill himself over something he claimed he could "never" be truly forgiven for by God or his first family...
When we struggle with decisions, with unforeseen changes in our life or lifestyle...when the proverbial sh** hits our own fan----what are we supposed to do? Do we live each day stuck in our own brand of quicksand sinking down bit by little bit until we go completely under? How do we keep ourselves moving forward in a positive direction without sabotaging ourselves---or those we claim to love and care about?
Part of the problem is that we do NOT ask ourselves the question "What IS the worst that could happen in my current situation?" When we do give ourselves permission to ask this of ourselves...we also give ourselves permission to see our situation beyond our own limited perspective! Once we do this, we can then take the steps to start working on solving (our own) or resolving (together) our current real life and right now problem!
In the case I just mentioned, when I asked him/them "What's the worst that could happen?" in the ER that night, he answered me right away by saying, "What if I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed?" Translated: "What if I am mentally ill?" (And here I thought he would say something about any suicide attempt he made being successful!) Well, as it later turned out, he was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD, which COULD be and was successfully treated by his team of doctors. Instead of wanting to kill himself every October, he learned that he could "be" mentally ill and it really was NOT the worst that could happen to him or his present family after all. In fact, with proper treatment and other support-based strategies put in place, this man had been set free from the prison within his own mind for the first time in decades!
This was twenty years ago. Although this man and his wife have long forgotten who I am, I have still seem them randomly when I've been out and about. They still walk together holding hands and in spite of the beginnings of his stooped gait and their white hair, they still smile and are talking whenever I have passed them by. Good for them. What he feared was the worst that could happen actually ended up being the best that could happen to inspire him to do his work of healing, positive change, and personal growth.
Until next post...