Are You A Broken Record?

We all have a difficult time with taking responsibility for our own junk.  We just do.  We are human beings;  we don't like feeling controlled or being told what we should do about A, B, or C.  Instead of doing our own work to solve our own real life right now problems that only we have the power to solve ourselves, we don't.  Inside each of us is a stash of broken records (of everything we keep saying and doing over and over again to avoid doing our own work!) that will remain there until we actually DO something to solve the issues which created those broken records in the first place.

When I was growing up, the first friend I can remember was a neighbor who lived a few doors down.  I didn't realize it then, but one of the "broken record" aspects of our relationship was that "C" (as I will refer to her) made a very bad habit of blaming me for whatever and whenever.  After so many years of this treatment, I could have very easily introduced myself to new people by stating:  "Hi!  My name is Mary and it IS my fault!"  Such was the insidiousness of the codependent dynamic between C and myself.  Over the years, other friends I had made who met "C" would comment privately to me about her general "It's YOUR fault!" attitude.  "What is her problem?!"  "Why is she such a downer?"  "Doesn't she know how to have a good time?"  Apparently not.  I can specifically remember a time going to a disco (yes, I am that old!) and C chastizing me for not "talking" to her while our group was inside the disco.  "I agree to go out with you and all you want to do is meet guys and dance all night!"  Uh, YEAH, that would be the point since we are all 18 years old at the time.  But not to C.  It was my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable, entertained, and God knows what else she expected that I didn't provide her with that evening.  It wasn't until C let go of me that I was able to let go of her at around age 30. 

Now here's the rub about how I fed the beast of C's broken record entitled "You Owe Me!" while creating my own.  As a kid, I would just go over to C's house whenever I felt like it.  The side door was always open and led directly into their basement. I would walk in, go downstairs, and start banging on the piano.  Did I knock on the door first before entering the house?  Of course not!  Did I wait for C's mother to come to the door and ask "Can C come out to play?"  Of course not!  Did I even care if C was in the house when I decided to go over there?  No, not really.  In other words, I was a gifted boundary violator.  As my own family's home was a war zone 99.9% of the time, I needed a close by-enough refuge.  C's house was it.  Not that C's parents or C herself knew what was going on within my family's home...but I certainly did.  Therefore, by the time C started to blame me for everything...I had already established a pattern as her family's 5th kid.  I don't think her parents or C herself wanted a 5th kid;  but they all got me anyway.  And that was my own broken record;  "You Need Me!"  Geez...funny how that goes isn't it?  A "You Owe Me!" broken record always somehow manages to find a "You Need Me!" broken record to bring the two broke pieces together as....ONE!  Except in all cases, two broken records, just like two wrongs, don't suddenly make things right.

We are all broken records in some way, shape, or form.  The round hole in your head perfectly fits the square peg in mine.  Yet we have a fresh chance, every single day, to do at least some of our own work in solving our "own" issues and problems.  Over time, we can revolutionize our own lives by actually making a habit out of that which only began as practice.  We can be more personally responsible, we can be more empowered to do for ourselves as we should, and we can feel the love from the inside out instead of the other way around.

In my experiences with C, I learned a great deal about what I was and was not responsible for...but I also learned how it is not o.k. to dishonestly manipulate any one person or situation for my own needs satisfaction.  More on that (needs satisfaction!) next post..

Have a great weekend!






 

To Solve...or Not To Solve...

I've mentioned it often enough.  Any problem or issue we have can only be solved, resolved, or dissolved.  Today, I am going to talk about solving a problem and exactly what that means.  Before you roll your eyeballs and think to yourself "What's there new to know about solving a problem?!", I'm here to tell you...PLENTY!

When any of us have a problem to solve, that means the problem is ours alone to solve and nobody else's responsiblity to "solve" for us.  This is very different from "resolving" a problem where two or more people share the same issue or problem and each are responsible for doing their own part to "resolve" it. 

For example, let's say you woke up this morning and had a headache.  What do you do next?  Do you call your best friend and say "I woke up with a headache;  come over immediately and make it go away!"?  Of course not.  Do you go downstairs to the kitchen to see if you have any headache medication in your cupboard?  (That would be a start!)  If you do have medication, do you call out to your partner and say "I woke up with a headache, bring me a glass of water so I can take this headache medication!"?  Again, of course not.  Are you getting the picture here?  When we have a problem that is solveable, that means we can solve it on our own and by ourselves.  We don't need someone else to be involved in the solution process.  We just do our work and solve the problem we have by ourselves.

Now imagine after you took that headache medication and your headache went away, you realize that your house looks like the inside of a filled dumpster.  Now what?  Well, if you have someone living with you...it would be perfectly appropriate to call out to them and say "Hey!  This place is a pit!  We need to clean it!"  As to when you both will clean it is a matter of discussion;  in the end, you both would have "resolved" your dirty house issue by each doing your part to resolve this shared problem!

Funny though.  When we do have a problem that is ours alone to solve, it's amazing how often we will recruit others to get and be involved with our problem!  "I can't find a job;  I want to be a fashion editor!"  Okay.  That's a problem.  But I don't need to find a job and I don't want to be a fashion editor....so exactly HOW am I supposed to help you with solving this particular problem you have?  Last time I checked, I'm not the CEO of Vogue magazine so....????  Listen, it's one thing to encourage, inspire, and otherwise attempt to motivate someone you care about into doing their work of solving their own problem(s).  But when a person with a problem is saying and doing all sorts of things OTHER than working to solve their own problem...we got a whole other problem!  As a psychotherapist, I know clients in this boat regarding career changes or career choices can go to specific online resources to help them figure out exactly what it is they can do and how.  Yet...is it my job to do that research for them?  Of course not!  It's their OWN work to do.  But if they would rather just ignore solving their problem or talking about it ad nausem to everyone they know...then guess what?  It's not as "big" as a problem to them as the rest of us may have been otherwise led to believe.  This, by the way, is one of the key issues in psychotherapy that signals to us therapists when a personality disorder may be present within our midsts.  Someone comes in to solve a particular problem they have and wants professional assistance...but then they don't do what they have been advised to do and promised that they were going to do.  Sure, we can offer a pass for the first or second "Oh I forgot.." or "Oh, I didn't have time this past week.."  But when this happens a third, fourth, and fifth time...there's something bigger going on than the problem to be solved.

To recap here, if a person really is serious about solving a problem he or she has..then he or she will solve it in a timely enough manner.  Period.  In some cases, this may involve the assistance of a trained professional to specify  "next step" strategies that the person hasn't before thought of, known about, or recognized.  In other words, when the person with the problem feels "stuck" and unaware of what to do next.  If the problem is medically based, that's what doctors are for.  If the problem is learning based, that's what psychologists, psychiatrists, and neurology-based professionals are for.  If the problem is addiction based, that's what addictionologists, AA, NA, rehab, and psychotherapy are for.

What does NOT work is when a problem to be solved is actively avoided and ignored by not only the person with the problem...but by his or her co-conspirators as well.  "Well, you don't understand.  My little Johnny can't accept a 40 hour a week job at McDonald's!  He's better than that!"  Really?  Because guess what?  If little Johnny isn't working a "real" job yet is 24 years old, still living at home, smokin' up that headband every weekend---how's that workin' for Johnny in solving his own problem regarding his current unemployment status?"  It's just not.  What mommy and daddy don't want anybody else to know in this regard is that so long as Johnny never leaves them and moves out, they'll put up with anything Johnny does or doesn't do to solve his own problems.  What parents!  Somebody pass me a trophy...puleeze!

Avoidance of our own problems can sure get twisted up as we involve more and more people in our tangled web of self-deceit, codependence, and lack of appropriate and timely action.  There is a dramatic series out of Finland that just popped up on Acorn tv's live stream in recent weeks.  It's called "Easy Living" and is about a family with many unsolved issues and problems.  Even after the first episode, it's clear how easy it is to just pretend a problem we have is NOT a problem we have and have the power to solve.

So...there you go.  My problem is not your problem.  Your problem is not my problem.  As such, you solve your problem as it IS your problem to solve in the first place...and I'll solve mine.  And if motivation, encouragement, or inspiration is needed as part of that process...go ahead and ask for it.  Just remember, the work still has to be done.  So do your work.





 

To Be Equal....

Do you remember the first time you felt "bad" for being who you are?  I don't mean bad in the sense of how you behaved or what you said;  I am talking about you feeling bad for your very existence.  When I sense this integral sense of inequality in my new clients, I often ask them if it was o.k. for them to be born a boy (or a girl) within their family of origin.  For others, it's as simple as asking if they were a "wanted" child at the time of their birth.  Some clients immediately understand where I am coming from and will say, "No...not at all!  My parents expected a boy and got stuck with me instead..." or "I've been told my entire life I was a big mistake..."  To start out life as a "problem" to one or both of one's own parents sets the tone for a life of submission---or rebellion.  To be a giver...or a taker.  To be, in a word, codependent.  To be, in another couple of words, an object.  To be, in yet a third manner of speaking, unequal.

When we are codependent, we don't treat ourselves as equal to anybody else.....and we certainly don't treat others around us as equal to us.  Everybody is an object...a thing.  Instead of authentic love, authentic respect, and authentic freedom of choice being at the center of our relationship dynamics...everyone is perceived as a potential means to an end (the end we or the other person most desires that is!).  Rather than getting to understand ourselves and others well on an ongoing basis, none of that truly matters.  Like the Janet Jackson song of many moons ago, our codependent lives function to communicate the following message(s):  "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" (for the codependent taker in each of us) and/or "What I Have Done for You Lately!" (for the codependent giver in each of us ).

To be equal means that everyone does have a right to their own beliefs, attitudes, and opinions...and to be treated with respect and the freedom to make their own choices.  It also means to expect honest and open sharing (of information) and caring (exchanges of care) in the name of love...not convenience or manipulation. 

So how does this all work when so many of us won't even give some people the time of day because they appear a certain way that we don't like?  This equality thing is bigger than we want to acknowledge, let alone realize.  If we can't even speak kindly to certain someones based on our initial seven-second impression of them...how are we going to truly practice equality in our day-to-day personal lives and important "love" relationships?  We won't be able to do it, no matter how much we lie to ourselves that the opposite is true.

As objectifying ourselves and others is the foundation of the codependent lifestyle, so is a prideful attitude.  When we are prideful, we really believe we deserve good things no matter what the cost (to someone else that is!).  I am reminded of the anxiety-disordered wife who had no clue how her day-to-day anxiety negatively impacted her husband and children.  In her mind, she was a "great" mother and a "great" wife...and yet she constantly expected things around the house (and in her life) to be done her way so as to keep her calm...and happy...and safe...and "stress free".  Her anxiety became the center of her household's universe;  not much different than when an alcoholic in denial or a drug addict is running the show at home.  Everyone has to make sure "mama" is o.k. in order for the other household members to be "o.k." too. Wow.  Talk about inequality!  Mama and the managing of her anxiety by other people in the house #1 priority....daddy and his ability to "fix" whatever makes mama anxious on any given day #2 priority...and kids and their ability to be available on demand and without drama attached to trigger mama's anxiety #3 priority.  Sheesh.

To be equal also means that real and authentic "sharing and caring" is at the center of the relationship rather than "You do this for me...and maybe I'll do that for you." Honest and open sharing of information...and exchanges of care is at the center of any love relationship.  We are open, honest, and vulnerable...and yet we remain responsible for our own "stuff" without trying to dump it on our partner or someone (anyone!) else.  You can't go to work for me everyday.  I can't stop you from drinking six beers every night after work.  There are many things we are meant to do on our own and for ourselves which represent our own "knapsack" of daily responsibilities.  When we are codependent, all bets are off.  You do this for me (that I should actually be doing for myself but won't!)...and then maybe I'll do this for you (which you may not even have wanted or asked for in the first place!).   Over time, everything gets so mixed up and screwed up that life CAN feel like this classic definition for codependency:  "I'm drowning, but your life is flashing before my eyes!"  UGH!
Not a good way to live---or to die for that matter.

To break the pattern of objectification and make the move towards a more equal footing in our primary relationships, we can start by being and becoming clear what we are and what we are NOT responsible for. I am not responsible for managing your anxiety for you on a daily basis.  You are not responsible for my drinking six beers after work every night.  Kid #1 is not responsible for entertaining us when we are bored.  Kid #2 is not responsible for being a "star" athlete because it was always a dream of mine that was never realized.  Etc. etc. etc.

To be equal isn't as easy as it looks now does it?  If you need help, I'm only a phone call away.  (248)561-8660. 

Until next post...