Is It Time to "Life Schedule" Yourself?

When I was a marketing consultant back in the day before grad school...I can recall one of my clients who was a celebrated stylist.  As we were having coffee in his hotel, he gave me a print copy of his schedule for the week.  (Yes, back then...no Smart phones...just paper!)  I remember being blown away because his schedule began with "8:00AM...Wake up Sunshine!"  Next, "8:30AM...Breakfast Now!"  "900AM...Car At Curbside." ...and went on from there until the it was time for bed.

After I read through everything, I looked at him and asked what was up with having everything he had to do from sun up to bedtime being printed out like that?  (Listen, I was quite young at the time, o.k.?)  He laughed.  He told me that without his schedule...he wouldn't remember to either watch or tape Wheel of Fortune when it came on at 7PM--which is what he really wanted to do before bed that evening.  We cracked up.  He made his point though;  scheduling our daily life matters.   Today's blog post presents the case for creating your own Life Schedule for your own sake!

We are notorious as people for giving ourselves away too often without thinking.  We give away our time, our energies, and our resources without considering what "else" we have going on that day (or night!) or week or month.  Unless you are a fireman (or woman!), you don't exist on this plant merely to put out other people's fires 24/7---or to make them feel good about themselves on demand---though the codependent giver within each of us grooves on this kind of thing.  Neither do we exist to find any and every available opportunity to make ourselves feel good about ourselves when we are in our codependent taker mindset.  When we avoid or don't follow through on our OWN daily load of responsibilities, be them personal or professional in nature, we WILL end up feeling more bad than good about ourselves---let alone those others who we eventually grow to resent and feel bitter towards.

The habit of life scheduling isn't about depressing yourself with all the things you must do every day at work that you'd rather not do.  Life scheduling isn't about overwhelming yourself;  it's about freeing yourself!  When you know what you, yourself, are personally and professionally responsible for doing on any given day or night...you also "know" when you are free to do whatever else you choose within that same 24 hour period.  You don't confuse your own personal responsibilities with those of one or more others.  You don't fall prey to "dropping everything" in order to do something that truly isn't your own personal responsibility.  You don't waste time trying to fix, save, or rescue others that you have no control over fixing, saving, or rescuing in the first place.  You don't blow off your own real and legitimate priorities because you'd rather distract yourself or make yourself feel better about yourself  "right now"...

Do I make my point?  I hope so.  You don't "owe" anybody your time, efforts, or energies because they thought to contact you first, second, or 32nd!  Neither do other people, places, or things "owe" you experiences to make yourself feel good or better about yourself.  There are other, more functional ways, to improve the quality of your inner life.  And it is not at the expense of yourself...or other people.  Newsflash:  a "thing" to make you feel better fast may include those four beers or glasses of wine after work each day...that bucket of KFC....hitting up the casino for a couple of hours...going shopping....smoking that blunt...etc. etc. etc!  If you want to get deep into it, it may also mean going home and starting a fight with your significant other so you don't have to "deal" with him or her the rest of the night.  Think about THAT!  ;-)

Some people are old skool about the tool they use to create and maintain their own life schedule.  I, myself, have a detailed weekly planner I picked up at Office Depot for $25.  It breaks down my day beginning at 7:00AM in 15 minute increments until 9:30PM.  I can merely write in what I've got to do or have going on during any given day--and can instantly see what blocks of time are open for me throughout the day.  I can also open up my planner and see at a glance my entire week from any given Monday through Sunday.  That's what works for me.  Someone else might choose to use their smartphone app.  Others, a small notebook to jot down their necessary personal errands and social obligations for the week separate and apart from their work and device-related planner.  Whatever you use to keep your life schedule going and current is your own choice.

Structure makes us feel safe.  This is true whether we are 5 years old or 55 years old.  Structure is what keeps us cruising within our own lane on a day to day basis.  Nobody is SO disciplined that they are capable of mentally remembering everything they need to be doing on any given day.  That would be delusional just sayin'.

Life scheduling is our friend.  It truly is.  If you need help with motivating yourself to pursue this process, that's what I'm here for.  As the old saying goes, if nothing changes---nothing changes!

Why Am I Still So Afraid? Or Angry? Or Lonely? (Part II)

It's one thing to start paying better attention to your chosen lifestyle and how that may be messing up your thoughts, your moods, and your behaviors on any given day.  But what about the people you have allowed into your life?  Last post I talked about conducting your own lifestyle autopsy;  this post I am talking about conducting your own relationships autopsy as part of your healing, positive change, and growth process.

First, we all need to take a look at exactly "who" is involved in our lives right now.  This would include your immediate family members (be they your parents, spouse, siblings, etc. etc.) and extended family.  I won't include minor children here, because that's one group we ARE 100% responsible for as we are raising them (though many parents sadly forget that fact!).

Another group would also include your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd tier friendships (regardless of how you met or when you met or how far back or recent your relationship history goes..).   Next, the people who either work with you, for you, or you work for on a day-to-day basis...these relationships also need to be examined.  You may not see your best friend except once or twice a week;  but someone you work with---you might see them all day every day for 8 hours!  This is why your relationships "at work" matter also.  Lastly, you need to look at the "casual" relationships you are involved in.  These may include people you see here and there over the course of a week or a month...but that you will continue to see and interact with because of "how" you know each other (through your place of worship, through volunteering, through other people, through your kids, through your neighborhood or place of residence, etc. etc.).  Yep, it's like that.  A relationships autopsy really does include all of the people in your life "now" that you do see and interact with for more than a minute or two multiple times during the course of your day, week, and/or month.

Before this however, stop to think about your "oldest" relationships and the quality of them, right now.  Please remember the "right now" part and do not let your mind wander back to 5 or 10 or 20 years ago when things were "better" between you.  Just a reminder!  If the CURRENT quality of your oldest relationship(s) isn't so great...you need to ask yourself why that is.

I can tell you that with many long-standing relationships, people can become more expectations-oriented when it comes to what "you" should be doing for him/her/them----and vice versa---because you have "known" each other for "so long".  You follow me?  When I see couples in crisis---one of the first veils to be uncovered is that to do with "You should have known...!!!" crap.  No people, we are not mind-readers!  Just because you know me and I know you for 25 years...it DOES NOT FOLLOW that I'm supposed to recall on demand every detail of your likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and preferences every single moment of every single day!  Isn't it enough of a job to keep track of my own?  Hello!  I remember a former friend who used to go postal if anybody called her before a certain time each day.  "They should KNOW I don't sleep well at night!  They should KNOW I don't like getting phone calls before 10:00AM!"  Kidding, right?  Nope!  Not kidding!  This particular person really believed that if you "knew" her---you better remember that fact of her life because God knows it was THAT IMPORTANT for you to remember!  See what I mean?  Another similar scenario when you ask someone what they take in their coffee...and you get the "?!??!" response because for God's sake YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW!!!  Spare me.  I got enough sh** to think about all day and night o.k.?  To have to remember what you take in your coffee because you've been in my life for so many years is utter b.s. okay?  Just give me your answer....without having a bad attitude attached to it just sayin'!

Another aspect of any long-term relationship that can go south is when we start talking at someone about something we truly haven't discussed with them recently!  I remember several years ago a woman in our social circle who, whenever she saw me, would talk at me like I knew every detail of her 27 kids' lives and would start sputtering stuff out like "Well, you know that her boyfriend is a real creep!"  Whose boyfriend?  Who is "her"?  Catch my drift?  People do that to each other too;  they "think" they told you this that or the other previously---but they have NOT!  I'm sorry, but in order to experience authentic emotional intimacy with someone---we really do have to have actual conversations with them about this that or the other---not just imaginary ones!

And we wonder why we feel afraid...angry...lonely?!?!  With these kinds of "people" in our lives, who needs 'em right?  (LOL!)

In any relationship....both parties have to matter equally.  Nobody should be forced into the position (or willingly take it on!) as "the comforter" or "the counselor" or "the sounding board" to someone else a majority of the time.  Not good.  When you do this, it is too easy to become angry, resentful, and then ultimately bitter about him...or her...or them.  If you are the person doing the dumping in order to receive comfort, advice, or take a load off...check yourself before you wreck yourself!  You may be doing "that"more often than you realize to more people than you care to acknowledge!  If you are the person doing the comforting, offering the advice, and absorbing all that "stuff" dumped on you....why?  Again, check yourself before your wreck yourself!

In codependent speak...what this means is that you might be more of a "taker" with certain relationships in your life---and more of a "giver" in other certain relationships in your life---but that's NOT how you create a proper balance among and between your relationships!  The people you primarily "take" from may not have ever experienced your "giving" side.  And those people you primarily "give" to may have rarely (if ever!) given BACK to you!  No wonder codependency as a lifestyle is such a trap!  We give to those people we only "feel" like giving to---but in order not to burn ourselves out---we choose those people we feel we can "take" from also!  What a sh** show!  Especially when 'all of this' is going on at a subconscious level of awareness!  UGH!

I remember a client early in my career who basically did whatever and I do mean WHAT-EVER her husband demanded.  She was a subservient wife to the millionth degree.  When he finally came around to telling her he wanted to start swinging (and I don't mean up a tree like a monkey!)...he was absolutely shocked when she said "No thanks!"  As in YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?! shocked.  After all, she "gave" to him unconditionally for all the years of their marriage;  what was the big deal now that he wanted to swing?!

As we worked together, this wife began to see how for all her giving (to him!)...she was also in the habit of taking a great deal from her own friends and family.  Thank God this couple didn't have any kids, by the way.  As she pulled her own head out...she came to understand that comfortably serving her husband did NOT teach him to comfortably serve her back.  It only taught him to become most comfortable with BEING SERVED by others.  Very sad.  Of course they ended up divorced.  However, I am happy to report that the quality of her "other" relationships improved dramatically.  She learned how to quit taking so much from others as a knee jerk reaction to her former husband's demands.

Yes, relationships' autopsies are not a bad thing.  If you need assistance examining your own important relationships to determine what's what---you can always join a support group, read any of the good books on toxic enough relationships (Dr. Phil's old classic "Life Code" is a great one!), and/or call a licensed psychotherapist in your area and make an appointment.

Good luck on your journey.  There is hope for those who struggle with fear, anger, and loneliness...

Until next post...

Why Am I Still So Afraid? Or Angry? Or Lonely?

When we live in a chronic state of anything negative, we don't like it.  That's a fact.  Chronic pain...chronic confusion...chronic fear....anger....loneliness....guilt...shame...ambivalence...  I could go on, but I won't.  I think you get the idea.  So what are we supposed to do about it?  How do we "un" chronic ourselves in ways that don't add to the existing fire within us?  Today's blog post is about the process involved in getting from where you are right now, in your present life, to a place of being able to take the very BEST care of yourself, on a daily and ongoing basis, so that you ARE living your own best life possible!

First, it doesn't matter if you are a single person who never married with no kids---or have been married for 55 years with 13 kids and 30 grandchildren.  You can LEARN and PRACTICE how to take the very best care of you in spite of your status.  No excuses.  Let's make that clear here and now.  Too many of us have been conditioned to use our chronic feelings of being "overwhelmed" as a reason (aka EXCUSE!) to NOT do what we should be doing to regulate our own emotions in an appropriate manner.   Believe me, nobody can regulate their own emotions successfully when they do what is easy...as opposed to what is truly "right" to do!

A cocktail or a beer is NOT the way to improve your present mood, okay?!  Just sayin'!  A "glass" of wine that is basically a bottle poured into the largest wine glass ever is NOT "Mommy Juice";  it is a crap ton of alcohol!  Popping Adderall...or Somas...or Norco...or Oxy....hello!!!!???  If you rely on substances to keep your emotions in check, this is like choosing to walk on hot coals because you woke up with a chill this morning.  Spare me!

As such, the first thing you have to acknowledge and recognize is that regulating your emotions...elevating your mood...stabilizing yourself mentally, psychologically, and spiritually speaking...all of these things are possible when you DO THE RIGHT THING for yourself each and every moment of each and every day---and NOT the "easy" thing!  Didn't you ever notice that when you wake up in the morning and feel more negative than positive...that THIS state of mind can take you down into the abyss by the end of that same day?!  No?  Are you freaking kidding me right now?  Get a clue!

When you start out your day literally thinking to yourself "OH NO!" instead of "OH YES!"---you don't believe that has an impact on the rest of your day and how you will function?   Now think about what you watched, read, or listen to this morning before you left for work---or just up until this very moment in time.  How did "that" affect the way you feel right now?  When our daughter was little, the Jerry Springer show first aired on daytime television.  I cringed every time I thought of mothers who had that sh** on while their small children were left in front of the set exposed that utter garbage.  Then...all these years later...I of course have seen the shows when the current guests say "I watched your show Jerry all my life!"  OMG stop!  And we wonder how those "influences" we don't even recognize as influences have contributed to the ways we think, feel, and behave?!  We're kidding ourselves right?!

How about this idea:  any day this week---if you wake up feeling "bad"---ask Alexa or Siri to play you your absolutely favorite song as you are getting ready for your day.  (And puleeze don't let that song be "Kill Yourself!" okay?!)  Then when that song is done, ask for your next favorite!  Keep it going until you leave the house.  Now---how do you feel?  How are you thinking?  What's your mood like?  Whether you have Alexa or Siri or not---you CAN change your mind (and your emotional state) by your own choice(s).   Read an affirmation or a daily devotion before you get up and out of bed....or at breakfast.  Let what you read focus your mind on what is "good" for you to start your day.  Turn on the t.v. and watch something that INSPIRES you rather than gets your back up.  You understand about these "inputs" right?  If you don't...get a clue.  As in right now get a clue.  When garbage goes in...only garbage comes out!

Sometimes we need to conduct what I refer to as a Lifestyle Autopsy to identify what it is you ARE doing, habitually, on a daily or nightly basis, to take yourself down---rather than to lift yourself up!  Just as described here...what do you "do" (read/watch/listen to) as you are getting ready for your day each day?  Who are you talking to?  Who is talking to you?  If you live with parents or roommates or anybody else who feels free to decimate you from the moment you wake up each day (as one example!)...can you share with us here and now why you are continuing to allow that?  Have you lost your own voice? Or are you caught up in a dynamic that is like the Friday night fights...that goes on pretty much every morning instead of waiting until just Friday night?  Catching my drift here I hope!

Once you get up...and dress up for your day...are you eating?  Are you taking your prescribed medication?  Are you drinking water?  Don't laugh.  Do you know how many people leave their houses each day without putting "any" fuel in their own gas tank (meaning inside one's own body!).  How is that going to work?  It just doesn't!

The "rush" thing is also a oxymoronic habit if you ask me.  If you find yourself rushing all over the place in order to get where you need to be by such-and-such time...what the hell purpose does the "rush" serve in your life?  You like cortisol and adrenaline coursing through your veins so early in your day?  Why?  Are you nyuckin' futs?  Who wants that?  SEE WHAT I MEAN!  Check yourself before you wreck yourself there Bucko!

I have known so many "late" people in my life...all that taught me was that they have other, more important, sh** that they feel is a higher priority than whatever else it is or was they were supposed to be doing instead at that time.  It also taught them that they CAN remain in control of their own schedule, even when it disrespects the other person(s)' involved.  Being late...and chronically late...is NOT a sign of an appropriately responsible AND emotionally mature adult.  It just isn't.  You want to play that game with yourself---it's your life.  But believe me, just that habit alone DOES contribute to your negative feelings you have about yourself---and others---because it's a WRONG way to function in this life, just sayin'!

As an exercise, begin documenting your days in terms of your mental and emotional state from the time you get up---until the time you go to bed at night.  For a week...just for a week.  Include in your documentation, what you "did" or "didn't do" that you believe contributed to you having that "bad day" that lasted longer than you wanted.  Who did you talk to that day and about what?  What did you watch on t.v.?  Listen to on the radio?  Read? Do online?  What did you eat/drink/smoke/ingest?  Where did you go?  How much time did you spend moving your body (or not)?  Was your day one where you "felt" in control of yourself...or not?  Why not?  If you felt very bad, what did you actually do to make yourself feel better quickly?

Without becoming aware of what's going on with you---you won't!

Next time, Part II on this important topic for all of us...

;-)

Codependency. Psychology live! Dr. Gail Majcher and Mary DiPaolo

When Your Man Can't/Won't/Doesn't "Step Up"!

Yes ladies (and gentlemen!), this is the post.  When you are involved with a man who cannot, will not, and does not "step up" as you expect and hope they would.  First, can I say that you need to watch our two most recent YouTube videos on codependency to understand the "basic" foundational truths as to why this is.  I will link them to my blog here after I finish this post (because, as you know, I am not "that" cyber savvy yet!)….

So, what's up when you love, care for, and/or are pining over a man who behaves like he's not as "into" you as he once was?  Or worse...that he's actually become more elusive, more moody, and/or more DIS-interested in connecting with you on an emotional/spiritual/physical basis than what was true XX weeks/months/years ago?

OK...here's your first noble truth:  If anyone treats you like you don't matter, believe them, because you don't!  Texting doesn't count...and neither does any sort of "not live and in person" communication.  When any "relationship" is more electronic in nature, for all you know that other person could have a photograph of J Lo in front of them as they are "talking" at you and/or doing whatever else.  LOL

Why we women go on these personal campaigns to "prove" to ourselves that we can "win back" the man who has dumped us---or lost interest in us---or betrayed us---or otherwise neglected us is anyone's best guess.  Believe me, your "attention" and your "love" is NOT going to transform a horse's ass into a hero!  It just won't!  Rarely, it might...but that involves a major spiritual transformation on the part of the man involved.  It doesn't just "happen" because you are the best and most loving and caring woman ever.  Not even if you are or were the best and most loving an caring woman ever that they have EVER KNOWN!  

When we spoke on codependency in our videos, we talked about the codependent "taker" mentality.  These are the people whose motives for "taking" primarily involve the need to feel POWER, PLEASURE, and AVOIDANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY.  Now, do you get it?  These codependent "taker" men can't, won't, and don't step up (for you!) because they don't WANT to!  Too much work!  Not interested!  They are just not that into you now...even though they might have been for a time in the past.  Don't let current reality confuse you.  You can't unring those bells.  You can't "make it like it was" (shout out to Regina Belle!  LOL!)  The horse is dead now.  Quit trying to ride it.  Time to get off.  Time to dismount!

I am reminded of a family I worked with years ago where ALL the women did ALL the sacrificing for the men in that family.  Which meant dad, brothers, uncles, grandpa...the works.  The men presented like a bunch of overgrown Peter Pans;  unpredictable, unreliable, and unfortunate.  While the women presented like a caravan of EMTs!  Always available, always ready to serve in an "emergency", and always willing to get messy besides.  And then we wonder how the young girls and boys in such a family end up repeating these patterns in their own adult lives? Uh, shouldn't be such a surprise folks!

Remember when I have said that people need to treat each other as true EQUALS from the get go of "any" new or developing relationship?  It's T.R.U.E.!!!  When you don't treat yourself well enough, how can you expect anybody else to?  DOH!  When you are so willing to sacrificially give yourself over to someone (anyone!) who gives you a second glance---what message is THAT sending to the "object" of your desire?  Not a good one, I can tell you that right now!

Men who can't, won't, and don't step up for you---have their eyeballs firmly focused elsewhere.  Predictably on their own "next" object of desire, which isn't you by the way.  They're over and out (with you, that is!)  Get the clue and let him go.  He's not worth you.  He probably never was.  Unless you are into pain like that.  Then, sadly, you kind of are getting what you deserve.

Not that I'm into S&M mind you...but ask yourself if you are!

Until next time..


;-)