Is it Love...or Addiction?

Rare is the person who says upon meeting someone he or she is attracted to, "Oh by the way, I have a relationship addiction problem...so I wanted to give you the heads up about that before we go another step further."  As such, I am devoting today's post to the topic of relationship or "love" addiction.  Maybe you yourself are a love addict;  maybe your significant other was or is a love addict.  Whatever the case, I believe it's important to set the record straight on this issue.  True love is NOT about being in love with the idea of being in love---"needing" a relationship in order to "be" o.k. as a person----going through relationships like underpants---and/or believing you would "die" or "couldn't make it" without a particular person as your partner. 

In his book, "Addicted to Love" (a classic, by the way!),  author Steve Arterburn talks about love addicts craving unconditional love, but also living in constant fear of being abandoned.  Love addicts often set very high standards for themselves regarding how they are "supposed to be" in a love relationship;  however, their standards are typically quite impossible to meet!  I do have a friend who tried her best for many years being the "perfect" wife to her husband.  She did whatever he wanted when he wanted to do it, she agreed to sex-on-demand, she even gave up her own friends and family in order to focus on his needs/his desires/his feelings first....and always.  In the end, it is NOT about standards setting and your ability to meet them that ensures your place in your chosen relationship.  Your partner is STILL free to disappoint you...pick "another" addiction he or she likes better...cheat on you....get bored with you...and "whatever" else no matter "how" good you are as a boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, or partner in your own mind!  OR...if you are like another friend of mine who got "sick" of working so hard at her relationship...she just calmly proclaimed one day, "I'm done.  It's over.", because she did NOT get back what she "expected" after all the hard work she put into the relationship over so many years...

Craving unconditional love while also being terrified of abandonment...while ALSO setting impossible standards for your own behavior...these are NOT the firm foundations on which an authentically love-based relationship is based!  Actually, it is this mentality that sets you up for disaster over the long haul.  No matter how "good" you think you are at relationships....true love is about the ability to deeply share one another's joys...sorrows...dreams...disappointments...and hopes...while ALSO understanding how your partner (and you!) are NOT objects but human beings on equal footing with one another!  Each of you have your "own" unique way of thinking, feeling, and behaving about everything and anything in life!  Accepting this reality and not working so hard to "change" the other person to be more like you is what "falling in love" for real is really all about!

Arerburn lists 35 characteristics of a relationship/love addict in his book, "Addicted to Love".  It's a great list.  One of the items on this list is the following:  "Anger Over Unmet Needs."  BINGO!  Love addicts have a very difficult time expressing their own "real" needs.  Most often, they don't even know what their "real" needs are!  Yet they go through their relationship(s) with a vague sense of being ripped off.  I remember a male friend of mine from childhood who used to say in one breath that when he got married, he was going to get his wife a "five carat diamond ring" to prove his love for her.  In the next breath, he would talk about not wanting a woman who would just use him and drain him of all his hard-earned money.  HUH?!?!  I guess that meant when he found a girlfriend who would "refuse" a five carat ring...she was the one for him?!?!?  In his case, what he "really" needed but couldn't say out loud was therapy for believing that "all" women were users and would exploit his good nature if he got close to any one of them!  He also needed therapy to stop engaging in behaviors that set up his girlfriends for failure!  Yet, (you guessed it!) he kept picking women who needed to be "rescued" and who would end up proving his theory correct about women who "used" him over and over again...  Very sad.  Very sad indeed.

The book is "Addicted to Love" by Steve Arterburn.  It's at most libraries.  It's worth reading if you think this may be an issue for you...or someone else you care about.

"Meat", "Carrots", "Potatoes"

I just got home after visiting my uncle at the nursing home/rehab where he's been since August of this past year.  I've written about him before;  I also wrote a brief update after the first of this year.  Now I am going to write about what I learned "today" as a result of spending the time I did with my Uncle B...

Uncle B, let it be known, still "hates" being at the facility.  About a month ago, he also got a new roommate.  Much younger guy than my uncle...of another race...and apparently this dude "bothers" my uncle very much.  He sings in the night, he keeps his radio on during the night, he keeps his t.v. on during the day.  My uncle is being driven round the bend with all the noise.  Remember now, my uncle is someone who never had children and spent most of his 60 years of marriage doing exactly what he wanted to do (or not do!) when he wanted to do it.  My uncle wants out of his room (which he keeps referring to as his "apartment").  He wants to be alone...in another room.  He wanted me to tell someone today about this.  Which I did.  Didn't get me anywhere.  Why would it?  For $6,000 a month...who can expect a private room in what is considered to be one of the "best" care facilities in our metropolitan area?  Not me---not my uncle.  Not anybody.

Then my uncle told me about his "clothes".  They don't belong to him.  He doesn't have enough socks.  They don't belong to him either.  You see, when my uncle was younger, he was quite the style icon amongst his fellow retirees.  I'm sure I've mentioned in one of my previous posts how he was quite the continental kinda guy as I was growing up under his shadow.  At present, it is obviously repulsive to him that he's being put into other peoples' clothes every morning instead of his own from "home".  I have to admit, today his burgundy button-down sweater (which he would have never bought, let alone wear by his own choice) was quite ratty and stained.  I could also see someone else's name written in magic marker across the back neckline of his shirt.  Well, what is there to do about this issue after all?  For $6,000 a month...who can expect the clean laundry to be brought to their rightful owners every day, day in and day out anyway?  Not me---not my uncle.  Not anybody.

My uncle is going to turn 98 on February 12th, if he makes it that long.  He said my aunt was going to bring a black forest cake (her favorite) and he was not happy about it.  Why?  Because "ten people" are coming to visit him that day and he wants to wear his own clothes on his birthday.  And live in his room without his present roommmate.  And have lunch fed to him without the nurse's aides just pushing the tray towards him and leaving his room.  There are other issues as well...but that's enough for this post today.

As I was feeding my uncle lunch today, he would indicate what he wanted placed into his mouth bite by bite.  "Meat", "carrots", "potatoes".  When he finished his lunch, he looked at me and calmly said, "O.k...you can go now."  But he forgot I needed to take his bib off him, wheel him back to his room, and make sure he was settled in allright before I left.  When I asked him in which direction he wanted to face once we got into his room...he chose the wall his bed is up against.  Reminded me of how a child would be required to sit or stand if they were in time out.  After he indicated what he wanted thrown into the garbage from his bedside table, I said my goodbye and began leaving the room.  Before I made it out the door I heard my uncle say (for the second time and since my last visit), "Thank you for visiting me."

For $6,000 a month...who can expect a man who still hates where he's at to say "Thank you.." in light of his current circumstances?  My Uncle B, that's who.