My last post introduced you to one of t.v.'s most flaming narcissists; "Don Draper" of Mad Men fame. Expanding on that theme, I will now present to you my two cents on what I believe is our current Culture of Narcissism...
As I said in my last post, narcissists by their very nature are willing to throw anyone under the bus if they feel it is going to get them what they want and when they want it. Now imagine entire groups functioning in this way. It isn't so difficult to imagine. If you want a really big picture of what I am talking about here, let's look at our own country for a moment. I remember when Gene Simmons (yes, that one!) of Kiss was interviewed by William Shatner and described the first time he walked into a grocery store after emmigrating to America as a youngster from Israel. He described it as "streets of food". Think about that for a moment. I sure didn't as I would yell for the specific type of Pop Tarts I preferred my mother buy me as a kid in my local grocery store. I also remember a friend hosting a visitor from Africa who had never before been to our country. As she and her husband were debating which fast food restaurant burger the visitor might most enjoy, he interrupted their debate by simply stating, "As long as it is edible, I will eat it." Wow. Talk about culture shock...
Our culture of narcissism has developed over time and space and has burrowed deeply down into the very fiber of our individual beings. So deeply in fact, we don't hardly even notice it is there. I hate waiting in line as one example. Why? Because I just do. I wonder if my mother-in-law hated waiting in line too...for water during World War II....from a well that she stumbled upon along with all the other local area residents fleeing from the war machine in Italy. I wonder if that water, when she finally got a bucket full, tasted more like Perrier or Evian?
My point is that when we allow what we believe we are "owed" to control our every thought, word, and deed....it is amazing how quickly we can transition to taking "whatever" whenever from whomever because...?? Because we want it now. We live in a time and culture when "more" and "more right now" has become our collective drugs of choice. And that's not a good thing. As a matter of fact, it's a very sad thing. A very sad thing indeed....
Monday, September 20, 2010
Don Draper Syndrome....
For those of you who don't know Don Draper, please allow me the honor of introducing him to you. Don Draper is the main character on what has become a widely popular television series entitled "Mad Men". It airs every Sunday night on the AMC channel from 9-10PM. But this post isn't about the series; it is about the character of Don Draper....
When I first watched "Don" in action (portrayed by the hotter-than-hot actor John Hamm), there was something about him that was strangely and yet comfortably familiar to me. He initially reminded me of my mother's favorite actor when I was growing up: Rock Hudson. "Don" is, to put it bluntly, the stereotypical "man's man and every woman's dream" in the flesh. He's darkly handsome, suave, and difficult to figure out. Mad Men takes place in 1960s New York; I was a child in the 1960s; and the more I watch Don, the more I am reminded of many husbands and fathers of that era and the damage caused by what I call "Don Draper Syndrome"....
Don Draper is the type of guy you will never get to know, no matter how hard you try. As the series opens, Don is married to "Betty" and has two young children. Betty looks a lot like Grace Kelly and, as a couple, Don and Betty represent mutual arm candy for satisfying one another's egos. Yet as the series progresses, it is clear that Betty and Don have very little that is "real" in common; as a matter of fact, about the only thing they have in common is sex---and Betty's denial of Don's philandering ways. Yes, they have two children together...but they might as well be props in the larger drama of Don and Betty's lives. We see them rarely throughout the series, and only in the context of what they are either told to do by Betty..or what they have "done" that is inappropriate. Getting to know who they are authentically is out of the question as this family is all about Don first....always Don first.
As it turns out, Don is not even "Don" to begin with. Don was actually killed during the Korean War and his identity stolen from the soldier who was with him at that time---a man named Dick. If you haven't already guessed, Betty doesn't have a clue who she married in more ways than the obvious. What's worse, it is also clear that Betty might not care if Don/Dick were Jack the Ripper so long as her own needs of choice were being satisfied by Don/Dick on a regular basis. As it turns out, Don/Dick is satisfying Betty only as he chooses...along with most every woman he meets for more than a minute.
Now here comes the ironic part. Don/Dick in the context of his work life is a superstar. He's calmly assertive in virtually every "difficult" situation he faces---he champions every underdog---and he's a brilliant businessman who can cut through the muck instantly to get to the heart and truth of every matter. Unfortunately, he can't keep his hands off the bottle which sits both inside his office and elsewhere throughout his life. Back in the 60s, alcohol was the favored drug of choice in "coping" with painful past realities and present uncomfortable feelings. If Mad Men were a present-day series, Don/Dick would probably be hitting the strip clubs, gambling, smoking weed, and/or popping pills in order to "cope" with his undealt-with demons.
If you haven't already guessed, the profile I have described for you of Don Draper is one of a classic narcissist. Narcissists are those individuals who are life's less-than-resilient survivors. Everything they believe and everything they do is viewed through the lens of their own unmet needs---and their related needs satisfaction. It doesn't matter what they do or who they hurt in order to get what they want out of life and people. They will do whatever they have to in order to be "satisfied". Even if that satisfaction involves a minute...or an hour...or fifty years of their time, effort, and energy. Now a days, we would say that Don/Dick is a person who is willing to throw ANYBODY under the bus in order to get what he wants. Even his wife...even his children...even his long-lost brother...even his best friend.
The Don Drapers of this world will always be among us in spite of the charm, or the good looks, or the carrots they dangle in front of us to accomplish their ultimate goal(s). Much like the snake who charmed Eve into taking that first bite, Don Draper Syndrome is more deadly than it initially appears to the naked eye...
Next time, let's have a chat about the Culture of Narcissism we live in today...
When I first watched "Don" in action (portrayed by the hotter-than-hot actor John Hamm), there was something about him that was strangely and yet comfortably familiar to me. He initially reminded me of my mother's favorite actor when I was growing up: Rock Hudson. "Don" is, to put it bluntly, the stereotypical "man's man and every woman's dream" in the flesh. He's darkly handsome, suave, and difficult to figure out. Mad Men takes place in 1960s New York; I was a child in the 1960s; and the more I watch Don, the more I am reminded of many husbands and fathers of that era and the damage caused by what I call "Don Draper Syndrome"....
Don Draper is the type of guy you will never get to know, no matter how hard you try. As the series opens, Don is married to "Betty" and has two young children. Betty looks a lot like Grace Kelly and, as a couple, Don and Betty represent mutual arm candy for satisfying one another's egos. Yet as the series progresses, it is clear that Betty and Don have very little that is "real" in common; as a matter of fact, about the only thing they have in common is sex---and Betty's denial of Don's philandering ways. Yes, they have two children together...but they might as well be props in the larger drama of Don and Betty's lives. We see them rarely throughout the series, and only in the context of what they are either told to do by Betty..or what they have "done" that is inappropriate. Getting to know who they are authentically is out of the question as this family is all about Don first....always Don first.
As it turns out, Don is not even "Don" to begin with. Don was actually killed during the Korean War and his identity stolen from the soldier who was with him at that time---a man named Dick. If you haven't already guessed, Betty doesn't have a clue who she married in more ways than the obvious. What's worse, it is also clear that Betty might not care if Don/Dick were Jack the Ripper so long as her own needs of choice were being satisfied by Don/Dick on a regular basis. As it turns out, Don/Dick is satisfying Betty only as he chooses...along with most every woman he meets for more than a minute.
Now here comes the ironic part. Don/Dick in the context of his work life is a superstar. He's calmly assertive in virtually every "difficult" situation he faces---he champions every underdog---and he's a brilliant businessman who can cut through the muck instantly to get to the heart and truth of every matter. Unfortunately, he can't keep his hands off the bottle which sits both inside his office and elsewhere throughout his life. Back in the 60s, alcohol was the favored drug of choice in "coping" with painful past realities and present uncomfortable feelings. If Mad Men were a present-day series, Don/Dick would probably be hitting the strip clubs, gambling, smoking weed, and/or popping pills in order to "cope" with his undealt-with demons.
If you haven't already guessed, the profile I have described for you of Don Draper is one of a classic narcissist. Narcissists are those individuals who are life's less-than-resilient survivors. Everything they believe and everything they do is viewed through the lens of their own unmet needs---and their related needs satisfaction. It doesn't matter what they do or who they hurt in order to get what they want out of life and people. They will do whatever they have to in order to be "satisfied". Even if that satisfaction involves a minute...or an hour...or fifty years of their time, effort, and energy. Now a days, we would say that Don/Dick is a person who is willing to throw ANYBODY under the bus in order to get what he wants. Even his wife...even his children...even his long-lost brother...even his best friend.
The Don Drapers of this world will always be among us in spite of the charm, or the good looks, or the carrots they dangle in front of us to accomplish their ultimate goal(s). Much like the snake who charmed Eve into taking that first bite, Don Draper Syndrome is more deadly than it initially appears to the naked eye...
Next time, let's have a chat about the Culture of Narcissism we live in today...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Every Picture Tells a Story...
With the introduction of Facebook, I have found OPPs to be fascinating. OPPs meaning other people's pictures as opposed to other people's problems. I can just click any friend's profile photo and instantly be transported to them...and their pictures. I have seen the children of various friends who aren't children anymore; I have seen grandbabies and dogs and cats and all sorts of scenic surroundings. I have also seen photographs that I wish I hadn't seen...
So what is this fascination with photographs all about? Well, as Rod Stewart once sang, "..every picture tells a story don't it..?" Yes it does Rod; it certainly does.
My blog today is focusing on those pictures which tell a story you may not want to notice. In therapy, I'll sometimes ask clients to bring in a family photo from their childhood which they believe best "shows" me who their family was. I have yet to meet a client who has brought in just one photograph as part of that assignment. Instead, I often am asked to view several. And I am also often surprised by what "I" notice in each photograph that my client may not. The father who isn't smiling or making eye contact with the baby in his arms; an oldest brother smiling at the camera like a chesire cat---while the other siblings are stone-faced. Things like that.
Getting better from anything requires that we first pay attention. Photographs from the past and present are a way we can begin to pay attention to ourselves---and to others. What do you need to become aware of that you have been avoiding for far too long? What are the "real" stories behind your own photographs? When you can give yourself permission to become aware of what you need to become aware of...then you will be beginning the process of facing your own demons...wherever they may come from.
So what is this fascination with photographs all about? Well, as Rod Stewart once sang, "..every picture tells a story don't it..?" Yes it does Rod; it certainly does.
My blog today is focusing on those pictures which tell a story you may not want to notice. In therapy, I'll sometimes ask clients to bring in a family photo from their childhood which they believe best "shows" me who their family was. I have yet to meet a client who has brought in just one photograph as part of that assignment. Instead, I often am asked to view several. And I am also often surprised by what "I" notice in each photograph that my client may not. The father who isn't smiling or making eye contact with the baby in his arms; an oldest brother smiling at the camera like a chesire cat---while the other siblings are stone-faced. Things like that.
Getting better from anything requires that we first pay attention. Photographs from the past and present are a way we can begin to pay attention to ourselves---and to others. What do you need to become aware of that you have been avoiding for far too long? What are the "real" stories behind your own photographs? When you can give yourself permission to become aware of what you need to become aware of...then you will be beginning the process of facing your own demons...wherever they may come from.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Uncle Luigi...
Uncle Luigi died today. He is my husband's uncle...and had just turned 97 years old last weekend. Luigi was in a nursing home in recent months after experiencing breathing problems and fatigue over the 4th of July weekend. Before this happened, Luigi was definitely the healthiest and most energetic 96 year old I had ever met. He barely spoke English and when he did speak, it was in Italian and had a lot to do with how great a country Italy is/was. I once took a photo of him on my cell phone saluting Mussolini during a family dinner. If Luigi was capable of taking care of himself as most adults do, I think he would have hightailed it back to Italy 30 years ago. Come to think of it, the first time I met Luigi and my husband's family was at a going away party when he WAS supposed to be moving back to Italy (32 years ago). That was Luigi; he was a man of few words (that I could understand) and many unrealized dreams...
Death has a funny way of yanking us back to reality, as it did today for my husband and I. You see, we were there visiting Luigi earlier today...and then went back as a priest was coming in to perform the last rights for Luigi at 5:30PM. When we arrived, the priest had just finished...and my husband's cousin and his wife were thanking him for coming. As he left the building, it soon became clear that Luigi might not be breathing. When it became clearer still, it so happened that Luigi may have died as soon as the priest finished administering the last rights to him.
I have to smile when I think of how God continually reminds us of His presence in our lives...when we stop to notice that is. Today, God revealed Himself as the consummate gentleman that He is; He knew and loved Luigi better than any of us here on earth...and He knew what Luigi needed to feel safe enough to leave us. Uncle Luigi needed God's assurance that he was going to go where he hoped to go after death. And by God's grace and mercy, he received that assurance this very day. Goodbye Uncle Luigi. Your time on earth was short in the light of eternity. Just make sure you don't give Michaelangelo too hard a time about how you could have done it better....
Death has a funny way of yanking us back to reality, as it did today for my husband and I. You see, we were there visiting Luigi earlier today...and then went back as a priest was coming in to perform the last rights for Luigi at 5:30PM. When we arrived, the priest had just finished...and my husband's cousin and his wife were thanking him for coming. As he left the building, it soon became clear that Luigi might not be breathing. When it became clearer still, it so happened that Luigi may have died as soon as the priest finished administering the last rights to him.
I have to smile when I think of how God continually reminds us of His presence in our lives...when we stop to notice that is. Today, God revealed Himself as the consummate gentleman that He is; He knew and loved Luigi better than any of us here on earth...and He knew what Luigi needed to feel safe enough to leave us. Uncle Luigi needed God's assurance that he was going to go where he hoped to go after death. And by God's grace and mercy, he received that assurance this very day. Goodbye Uncle Luigi. Your time on earth was short in the light of eternity. Just make sure you don't give Michaelangelo too hard a time about how you could have done it better....
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Wreckages...
These past two weeks have been crazy (no pun intended there). I have seen my neighborhood turn into a circus...I have watched people I know and care about make some very bad choices...and I have found that my gallbladder is better off out of me rather than in me. I have also been made acutely aware that denial (once again!) ain't just a river in Egypt.
Let's start with the circus. Without getting into any excruciating detail, let's just say that there are still far too many people who would sell grandma in order to get a glimpse of their favorite "celebrity". Unfortunately, I also realized that there are far too many people who would sell grandma, mom, dad, and themselves in order to get a glimpse of ANY celebrity. Coupled with the rumors, half-truths, and whole lies that can circulate in the midst of such mayhem...suffice it to say that I now understand the meaning of the most derogatory terms associated with "fans" and their half-baked attempts at getting something for nothing...
Next, bad choices. We all make them that is for sure. But when we make them and the direct result is screwing up our kids...that's a major problem. Grant it, we don't always see the consequences of our own bad choices until our kids are no longer kids....but that's how it usually works. Little Billy was always "mean" to his younger sister Susie. Mom and dad were aware of Billy's physical abuse of Susie,but never addressed it in a concrete way. Ultimately, Billy and Susie grow up. Billy is socially awkward and still somewhat dependent on his parents; he has fits of temper and is still as moody as he always was when things don't go quite his way. Meanwhile, Susie looks like Kat Von D times ten. She has the face of a werewold tattooed right across her chest with the words "Back Off!" Geez...do you wonder why? Does anyone wonder why?
Candace, on the other hand, was raised to believe that "if it feels good, do it". Candace's parents certainly lived by that credo. They fought like cats and dogs...they ignored Candace and her younger sibling most of the time...and they ended up moving on to greener pastures (via divorce) right when Candace felt she needed them the most. So what happened to Candace? At the present time, Candace is living with her "bad ass" boyfriend who makes Snoop Dog look like a DEA agent! As the saying goes, Candace is certainly "stickin' it to the man" (and woman) from her family of origin. Big time.
Bad choices never lead to positive end results. Consistently bad choices lead to consistently bad results. When are we going to get that?
This is where my gallbladder comes in....
But more on that next time....
Let's start with the circus. Without getting into any excruciating detail, let's just say that there are still far too many people who would sell grandma in order to get a glimpse of their favorite "celebrity". Unfortunately, I also realized that there are far too many people who would sell grandma, mom, dad, and themselves in order to get a glimpse of ANY celebrity. Coupled with the rumors, half-truths, and whole lies that can circulate in the midst of such mayhem...suffice it to say that I now understand the meaning of the most derogatory terms associated with "fans" and their half-baked attempts at getting something for nothing...
Next, bad choices. We all make them that is for sure. But when we make them and the direct result is screwing up our kids...that's a major problem. Grant it, we don't always see the consequences of our own bad choices until our kids are no longer kids....but that's how it usually works. Little Billy was always "mean" to his younger sister Susie. Mom and dad were aware of Billy's physical abuse of Susie,but never addressed it in a concrete way. Ultimately, Billy and Susie grow up. Billy is socially awkward and still somewhat dependent on his parents; he has fits of temper and is still as moody as he always was when things don't go quite his way. Meanwhile, Susie looks like Kat Von D times ten. She has the face of a werewold tattooed right across her chest with the words "Back Off!" Geez...do you wonder why? Does anyone wonder why?
Candace, on the other hand, was raised to believe that "if it feels good, do it". Candace's parents certainly lived by that credo. They fought like cats and dogs...they ignored Candace and her younger sibling most of the time...and they ended up moving on to greener pastures (via divorce) right when Candace felt she needed them the most. So what happened to Candace? At the present time, Candace is living with her "bad ass" boyfriend who makes Snoop Dog look like a DEA agent! As the saying goes, Candace is certainly "stickin' it to the man" (and woman) from her family of origin. Big time.
Bad choices never lead to positive end results. Consistently bad choices lead to consistently bad results. When are we going to get that?
This is where my gallbladder comes in....
But more on that next time....
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