Friday, July 12, 2013

Sharing and Caring For Better Relationships...

A good relationship between two people involves a couple of things.  First, each must be able to share information.  Second, each must be able to exchange care.  Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?  Well, you should know by now that not everything which sounds simple is actually that simple to do.

Sharing information is a primary example;  what does it really mean to "share" information in the context of a "good" relationship?  I have a colleague who believes that "sharing" means she can make a habit of calling, talking "at" me, feeling better for having unburdened herself, and then hanging up because she's finished and feels better for it.  That's not sharing;  that's what I call emotional vomiting.  This does not make for a "good" relationship by any means.  Yet what my colleague does more often than not when she calls me is what a so-called "good" sister may do to another sister---what a wife may do to a husband---what a boyfriend may do to a girlfriend---be it on or off the phone lines.

The whole point of sharing information is to develop and maintain true emotional intimacy with the other person you are in your "good" relationship with.  Emotional intimacy means you feel you understand the other person deeply and vice versa.  As such, you can't just have a "good share" once in a while (of information that is!) and figure that's all there is to it.  The sharing of information is ongoing;  it doesn't just happen during a meal on Thursdays, after sex, before dinner, or on weekends.  It happens every single day, just like life happens every single day.  If that sounds scary or overwhelming, it's time to take a deeper look at how this process cannot be controlled if it is to work.  Mutual respect is a key here in making the sharing exchange work.  Would you blow off your boss if he or she called you in to "share information" at 9:00AM Monday morning when you haven't yet had your morning cup of Starbucks?  Sometimes (many times!) we must allow our respect for the other person trump our own selfish need to ignore them, emotionally vomit on them, or become irritated with them.  If you don't respect the other person to begin with, that's a whole other problem for another blog post.  When the sharing works, you both win.  Each feels good about comfortably being able to identify and express their respective feelings, needs, wants...joys, sorrows, dreams, and disappointments (etc. etc.) AND being well understood as a result!  I am going to add at this point that another dimension of relational intimacy is that which pertains to spiritual matters.  As such, spiritual intimacy would involve an even deeper level of sharing information as it relates to one's spiritual world view, how one experiences God, discussing spiritual matters, etc. etc.

Needless to say, sharing information isn't just about texting one another to say "Pick me up at 6.." or "Hugs!"  Sharing information is about revealing who you authentically are freely, openly, and honestly in a respectful, timely, and appropriate manner....and on an ongoing basis....AND vice versa!

Exchanging care is the other aspect of what makes for a "good" relationship between two people.  Yet this pursuit can be exponentially more jacked up than any emotional vomiting attempt at sharing information!  Exchanging care does NOT mean that you become a "pro" at it (on your side that is!) because you are so afraid that you will be unsafe, abandoned, or deeply hurt/rejected if you don't.  Fearful obligations to "care" for others is way different than offering care out of authentic love and generosity of spirit.  Exchanging care is a two-way street.  You don't just give and give and give until you burn yourself out and develop a bad attitude about it besides.  You learn how to ask for care;  you learn how to receive care;  you learn how to wait until YOU are asked for care so you can choose (or not!) to provide it to someone else.  As I have said many times over recent years, "When you try to satisfy a need for someone before they even realize themselves that they have that need...you'll piss them off more than you will hear them say "Oh thanks Hon!"  Nobody wants to feel "stupid" or "dumb" about not identifying their own need until AFTER you have identified it for them first.  It's o.k. to provide care like this when you have an infant, baby, or even a toddler...but to try and treat another adult like a dependent sheep WHO NEEDS YOUR CARE is ludicrous.  You aren't that powerful and you can't control everything.  Get over it.  Take your crown, your wings, your whips, your chains (whatever you got that you use in this regard!) OFF...and please join the rest of us who are trying to function as equals to one another in life.  There is no room for sadists or masochists in the practice of exchanging care with others we claim to love and respect.

So, to recap:  if you want a good relationship with someone that involves emotional intimacy at the very least, spiritual intimacy, and/or physical intimacy (as committed partners)...then you must learn how to master the practice of sharing information and exchanging care.  Period.  And if you need help with that, I'm just a phone call away. 






 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

About Honey....

Honey died today.  She was a stray beagle I had found back in 1997 as I was driving along Dequindre Road on the east side.  There was an 18-wheeler truck ahead of me on the road;  I saw this tiny dog run right in front of it and thought I would be witness to a murder (which was how I felt at that moment).  Miraculously, the dog made it to the other side of the road.  I was able to immediately turn into a driveway on the same side of that road in order to try and rescue the dog.  I just called out to her and for whatever reason, she came right to me.  And...as they say...the rest was history.

My husband and I never had pets growing up.  Unless you count the fish I had in middle school that my mother got sick of looking at after several months.  I used to keep it in one of those built-in shelves in our kitchen in its own little glass fishbowl.  I remember I got the fish at Kresge's for under a buck and brought it home in a plastic bag filled with water.  What I can't remember is why my mother decided it was time to dump the fish into our neighbor's backyard one day after school.  After that moment in time...my "history" with pets at my parents' house was over.

My husband, on the other hand, once managed to train some stray pigeon to stick around his house during the summer of his thirteenth year.  He said it would hop up and down the basement stairs, peck birdseed out of a paper plate, and even posed once for a picture taken outside on the top rung of his father's ladder.  My husband even named the pigeon---but it took off one day anyway never to return.

Needless to say, here we were decades later and suddenly we are a family of three---with a dog.  Honey was what is referred to as a "lemon" beagle, which means she was ginger and white colored all over.  She was also (unlike me as her "mama") able to maintain a fighting weight of 20 lbs. throughout her sixteen year lifespan with us.  I tried many times to emulate her dietary habits over the years, but somehow the idea of eating 3/4 cup of dry kibble out of a bowl twice a day ruined everything for me.

Honey wasn't the smartest bulb in the pack.  One time we threw a blanket over her to test her doggie IQ;  instead of finding her way out from under it, she just laid down.  The next test was to put some kibble under one of three tin cans and see if she could knock away the "right" can to get at the food.  All she did was look at us as if to say "Now what?"  Epic fail.  Even when we put the kibble under one tin can, she didn't make the connection.  Again, very cute and a real tail wagger, but not so bright.  She also developed the habit of howling every morning at 3:15AM to eat "breakfast" (don't ask me why, but she did starting at around age six or seven!).   Even more confusing, my husband fed her breakfast at 3:20AM each morning as well.  Since he didn't deliver newspapers for a living, I'm still mystified as to how he managed that pattern with Honey for so many years.

Honey also loved to hold her urine.  She would bark to be let out, yet had to be on a leash or tie-out at all times so she wouldn't run off.  As soon as we would get outside, that's when Honey would decide a nice stroll around the property was in order before she even thought about actually relieving herself.  How many hours I spent waiting and waiting and waiting some more for her to "Honey Pee Pee Potty Right Now!" I have no idea.  Probably 10,000,000;  at least that's what it felt like to me.

By the time Honey was nearly ten years old, we acquired another beagle as "company" for Honey and as a 21st birthday gift to our daughter.  Our daughter was thrilled;  Honey not so much.  The new baby beagle (Snickers) was absolutely adorable.  Honey responded to her as if to say "Who in the )$#* are you and when are you leaving?" It took a long time before Honey actually allowed Snickers to actively interact with her.  When it came to food, doggie treats, and scraps however, Honey drew the line.  When Honey growled and barked "Stay away!" Snickers and the rest of us knew to do just that.

As the years progressed and Snickers grew, Honey did mellow out to the point of letting Snickers sleep next to her, in front of her, behind her, and around her.  During the past two years, Honey's hearing and eyesight went south;  during the last eight months, so did her heart.  By the time she passed, Honey was long overdue for a peaceful and long-lasting rest.  Dying at home and on her favorite couch and blanket, we could only be grateful she was taken quietly and without any drama or undue trauma attached.

We know that no one can understand the place pets have in our lives and hearts without also being or having been a pet owner.  Honey taught us a lot about unconditional love and the exchange of care.  She taught me that no matter how challenging she was or could be over the past sixteen years, her love for our family knew no bounds.  That was made clear when I ran downstairs the morning she died to watch her take her last breaths after I had spoken to her directly.  Was she waiting for me to "get there" before she died?  I don't know.  It feels like she was.  I can only pray where she is at now is a place where she can run free and without the need to bark anymore at 3:15AM for breakfast.

RIP Honey;  you've been a good girl.