Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Codependent Trap - Part II

As I re-read my last post on codependence, I forgot to mention that codependent takers can be very charming...very persuasive...and of course very entertaining while going about the business of taking from you what they want. This is why being in a relationship with a codependent taker can feel so crazy-making. The "nice" takers don't yell and scream or pout and stew while demanding what they want from you; they just keep on "being nice" (and wearing you down!) until you give in to them. I just recently heard of a couple where the boyfriend asked his girlfriend to come sit closer to him while they were watching t.v. together. She didn't feel like it. And she said so. Being the codependent taker that he was, that wasn't o.k. with him. He couldn't graciously accept her "not now" answer. Instead, he suggested she have another glass of wine. A little while later, he suggested that the couch she was sitting on was probably more uncomfortable than where he was sitting. Are you catching my drift here? Before she knew it, she just went and sat by him---even though she still didn't want to. So what's the problem? The problem was/is that for every time her boyfriend "took" from her (in this case emotionally) in this way, it was like adding another notch labeled "I'm feeling resentful about this" to her mental and emotional inner roldex. Since her boyfriend was so good at getting his way with her...it didn't take long for her to see how she was being treated more like an object/possession than a human being with her OWN needs, wants, and desires separate and apart from his. Of course there were many more examples involving this particular couple, and in the end the girlfriend realized that her main issue (requiring healing and change) had to do with her own status as a codependent giver.

So what is a codependent giver? This is the person who feels over-responsible for the happiness, well-being, and contentment of someone else. My famous one-liner describing the codependent giver is this: the codependent giver is drowning and somebody else's life is flashing before their eyes! This is in sharp contrast to the codependent taker who is drowning and using the nearest available body as their flotation device!

Please do not make the mistake of viewing the codependent giver as the sweet grandma or good-girl/great-guy type of person. Codependent givers can be very difficult to be in a relationship with as well. Why is this so? Because codependent givers typically have a WHOLE lot of expectations associated with their giving! They don't just give away what they do for nothing! They want approval, acceptance, and love as a result of their giving! They want to feel valued, worthwhile, and "needed". As a result, when you forget or don't think to "give back" to the codependent giver...there is often hell to pay. This is especially true when the codependent giver actually is brave enough (or upset enough) to actually ask you for something. Codependent givers are notorious for saying, "After all I've done for you?!?" when they don't get what they want from the person they have selected to "do" for them. And even if they don't say it out loud...believe me, they are thinking it. Otherwise, why bother with all that indiscriminant giving? What's the point? Last time I checked this wasn't the way to make it into Heaven or achieve Mother Theresa status in our society. Codependent givers (at their worst) are often described as "martyrs", "rescuers", "fixers", and "savers"...and not in a flattering way. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a codependent giver long enough understands that there will ALWAYS be a price to pay sooner or later. Especially when you, as their significant other, is not yourself a codependent "taker".

Which leads me to what happens when two codependent givers get together (as a couple) or when two codependent takers get together. Believe me, it can be ugly! Think about it; two codependent givers find each other. Starts out great. "I love you!" "No, I love you more." "No, I love you more than more my darling." blah blah blah And everything may seem and be fine for a while...until someone stops giving back to the other in line with the other's expectations. Then what happens? The giving, of course, is directed ELSEWHERE! Remember what I just said about wanting approval, acceptance, and love as a result of all that giving? If you can't get it anymore at home...you gotta find the place or persons where you can, right? And this is what happens. Over and over again. "Everything was great and then my husband just started hanging out more at his sister's house.." "My wife will drop everything to go and do her friend's hair just because she called and asked.." "My husband is obsessed with his son from his first marriage.." Stuff like this. Wherever the approval, acceptance, and love is going to be "felt" as a result of one's codependent giving..that's where the codependent giver will go. Always.

When two codependent takers get together...life can be one big party, or one big nightmare, depending on the couple. With codependent takers, these folks are not at all interested in acceptance, approval, and love. They are instead most interested in achieving control, power, and pleasure. They want what they want and when they get it, it makes them feel "good"---only until another want pops up that they have to satisfy. As such, two takers are either going to pair up in order to basically kill two birds with one stone---or morph into the couple from hell (fighting all the time, using and abusing one another without a second thought, alternately neglecting or over-indulging their kids, etc. etc.). In the end, codependent takers are never satisfied enough...and usually have a long trail of discarded relationships behind them.

When a codependent giver is coupled with a codependent taker, it is anybody's call as to how long the relationship will last before it self destructs. I've seen codependent givers give all the way to the grave..only to be "appreciated" to some extent after their taker widow or widower finds that their "replacement" isn't as good a giver as the most recently deceased spouse. I've also seen this dynamic played out with young couples who are not married. "Yeah, we broke up and she had no idea how good she had it with me until she went through three more boyfriends and saw they weren't going to "give" to her as good as I did." Seriously? Like this is something to be proud of? Spare me! IMHO this is like saying "I was a better drug for her than anybody else she would or could ever find." Yes, that's what we should all aspire to; a relationship that feels like that between an addict and his or her favorite drug of choice. NOT! On the taker side of this same equation, I've seen takers who just get "fed up" with the expected giving that isn't coming their way fast enough or consistently enough. "I'm the one who goes to work everyday; is it so difficult to make me a meal every night that I can enjoy?!" Yes, maybe it is. So get over it Jack (or Jill). Nobody owes you a good moment, a good day, or a good life. If you want a good meal every night after work, how about making it yourself sometimes or ordering it for home delivery? I've also seen takers who divorce their giver spouses only to end up with another taker that puts them in "giver" mode by default. Kind of like paying yourself back with someone 100 times worse than your last spouse could ever be. But that's how we can be as people. Codependent, mixed up, and mixing it up even more when we refuse to see what we refuse to see...

Next time, what the "appropriate" interdependent relationship looks like.

The Codependent Trap - Part I

I've had a lot to say about codependency over the years. So many people don't even know what "it" is in a way that is easily understood. I get that. It's hard to try and describe a relationship dynamic that so many of us just fall "naturally" into. If it helps, codependency is NOT a new or western culture-based phenomenon. It's been around since the beginning of mankind; much in the same way as fear, shame, blame, and anger.
So...what exactly is a codependent relationship? To start, a codependent relationship is one where a person does not know how to move freely between their "dependent" "independent" and "interdependent" status. (More on that in a bit!) As a result, instead of being appropriately "interdependent" in their relationships, the codependent person experiences relationships in extremes: they function as either givers (giving to one or more "others" in an unhealthy way) or as takers (taking too much from one or more "others" in an unhealthy way). In the process of living life in this codependent way, codependent people struggle with ongoing feelings of guilt, hurt, anger, and lonliness (not necessarily in that order...but these are the "top four" painful feelings associated with the codependent lifestyle).
So---back to how dependence, independence, and interdependence play out in the codependent person's life. When we are born...we are all completely dependent. We can't ask our mothers for milk when we are hungry; we can't change our own diapers when required, and we certainly don't know how to tell our parents stop yelling. Inotherwords, we are DEPENDENT. We could literally DIE without our mother or father's help in keeping us alive and well ON A DAILY BASIS. As we get a bit older, we start to find out there is a big wide world around us outside of our mother's embrace. This is normal...and this is the beginning of our transition from "dependent" status to "independent" status. Regardless of what we are (bird, fish, duck, chimp) or who we are (human)...everything and everyone has been designed to function "independently" as they grow and mature. The age at which this happens varies depending on the species (bird, fish, duck, chimp)...but doesn't vary much at all within the same species. The same, unfortunately, is not true for us human beings. Instead of being "grown up" and "mature" and "independent" by around the same age...we are all over the map. There are 48 year old men who may know how to dress themselves real nice and take women out on dates, but whose primary source of income comes from mommy or daddy. There are 35 year old women who smoke, drink, and party like it's 1999...and then wonder why they can't keep a job for more than 9-12 months. I think you get the picture here. Instead of becoming and being "independent", many people get stuck in their "dependent" status long past the age of 16 or 18 or 21. As such, these individuals learn to function as life's codependent "takers". To complicate matters, this is NOT the only way to become a codependent taker in one's life and relationships. The spoiled brats of life, the lazy bums of life, and the "the world owes me" narcissists of life are just three "more" groups that so easily fall into and "fit" the codependent taker profile. Instead of functioning independently from others and "pulling their own weight"...these folks literally want and expect others to "do" for them just because they do! To say that codependent takers are the "high maintenance" people of life is putting it mildly. Codependent takers are also often oblivious to the pain and frustration they cause others because their OWN pain always takes front and center stage in their day-to-day lives. They want what they want when they want it...and eventually learn to expect others to "mind read" what they want without having to ask for it directly! This is especially true when codependent takers hook up and/or are married to codependent givers. "What do you mean you didn't know what I needed? Haven't we been together long enough for you to figure it out?!" Stuff like that. Very frustrating. Very dysfunctional. And very very wrong.

Next time, we'll focus on the development of the codependent giver...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Riding the Axe...

I've had a lot of conversations in recent days about addiction. Yet there is one addiction that is rarely discussed as part of a person's personal recovery process. This addiction I am talking about goes hand-in-hand with most others. It is the addiction to drama, crisis, and chaos.
Don't misunderstand me. You can be addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos and not "yet" be fully addicted to some particular substance or process. I see teenagers who often fall into this category in my practice. They may only be "experimenting" with alcohol and/or drugs...but they are already close and intimate friends with drama, crisis, and chaos.
Drama, crisis, and chaos to me is best understood as the edge of a very large axe. When people are addicted to it...they are not just touching the axe every once in a while...but riding it regularly like a crotch rocket.
You know the old saying, "Better to live in the hell you already know than the hell you don't.." For those who have lived with drama, crisis, and chaos from an early age, it's just something they have gotten used to and comfortably familiar with. So they ride it...and they don't get off...or don't really know how to get off.
So that's my job. Helping people get off that rocket and learn to live without their daily doses of drama, crisis, and chaos. Sometimes they fight me AS IF their living in hell is a good thing we all should aspire to achieve....and sometimes they leave me saying I don't know what I'm talking about. But I do. And I know they do too. They just aren't ready yet. So I keep praying that one day they will be...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

That's Not Me....

Isn't it funny how nobody has to attend classes in order to learn how to engage in "the blame game"? It's just one of those human behaviors that comes as naturally as breathing...unfortunately for us all. Countless studies have been conducted over time on this issue of blame and what it's all about. I don't know why such studies have been pursued; I believe that understanding why we do it and continue to do it is very simple. We are masters at avoiding responsibility----especially when our actions (and lack of responsibility!) have led to negative consequences.
For far too many of us, feeling authentic guilt over what we have done "wrong" and taking responsibility for it is, in a word, nonexistent. When bad things happen to us, most waste no time finding something or someone else to blame. We find we have an alibi or an excuse for everything. Avoiding responsibility and denying reality becomes a way of life. Probably the saddest and yet funniest example of this I ever knew of was when a maid in a hotel was shown a video of herself stealing from the room she was hired to clean. As she looked at herself on the t.v. screen, taking what she took, and surrounded by the police...her only comment was as follows: "That's not me."
But it is me...and you...and all of us. We all have said things and done things that have made our lives miserable. But if we don't face these things (especially if we have done them over and over again over the course of time)...our future is destined to be nothing more than a repeat of the ugly parts of our past. After all, how can we lay down a burden we refuse to carry, let alone even see, in the first place?
Telling yourself the truth isn't going to kill you. The road to healing and health is honesty. The way to get and be cleansed is to admit openly our failures...and our sin. You can do it. I can do it. We all can do it.
Until next time....

Thanksgiving...

As Thanksgiving approaches, being grateful is where it's at.  As a kid growing up, what I remember most about Thanksgiving was that it was my mother's birthday (and mine too, but that's another story).  Both born on November 24th, I don't even know how many times I heard "It's my birthday and SHE horned in on it" coming from my mother's mouth.  I don't remember any Thanksgivings at our own dinner table;  usually we went to my aunt and uncle's house for "cake and coffee"...or to my uncle's cousin's house where his wife (thankfully!) knew how to bake strudel.  The same was true for Christmas.  I don't remember much about the day itself...but I do remember periodically being given a gift by Joanne (the cousin's wife) who worked at the local Marianne's.  Back then, Marianne's was the equivalent of today's "Deb" retailer...though probably a bit more upscale (if that's possible). 
My parents were not very grateful people by the way.  They fought a lot.  And I do mean A LOT.  Like "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" alot.  Like Charlie Sheen and any of his past wives alot.  Like anyone who lives in a river of denial and thinks everyone else is to blame for their problems a lot.  Those were my parents.
Even when my mother took her last ambulance trip to the hospital, she and my father were immortalized by the ambulance drivers who listened to them fighting en route.  I found out by one of the nurses attending to my mother after she fell into a coma.  "Oh, the drivers said your parents were fighting like cats and dogs, which was amazing to them because your parents are so old!"  I wondered if she could imagine what it was like when they weren't 78 and 88 (at that time)...but 33 and 43.  Or 43 and 53.  Unfortunately, I could remember.  Ironic isn't it?  I can't remember any of the major holidays I lived through for the first 18 years of my life---but I sure can remember their fights.  Go figure.
My mother died that same week she was taken to the hospital.  My father is still alive and kicking at (now) 93 years old.  Kicking what...I don't know.  But it isn't me anymore, and that's a good thing.
Now that I am reminded of all that....I DO have so much to be grateful for as Thanksgiving 2010 approaches.  I may have been recently dx'd with asthmatic bronchitis...I may pee a little every time I cough...and I don't exactly relish the idea of turning 54 years old this coming Wednesday.  But I am still very very grateful.  I broke a cycle that could have continued on for another generation (or two or three!).  By God's grace, the love of a good man (and beautiful daughter!)....I do have so much to be grateful for.  And I am.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Assertiveness 101...

When confronting someone about what you need from them, based on what they have specifically said or done....

When you..........I feel........because......so I need.........  (That's one way to say it)
I need......because........when you........I feel................   (That's another way to say it)
I feel........when you.......because......I need.................   (And there's a third way to say it)

Next, when you are offended by someone (and you then feel AFRAID, MAD, and/or CONFUSED):

"Can you explain to me what you mean by that?"
"I hear your words, but I need you to tell me what you mean."
"Why did you say that just now?"
"What is your point if you don't mind me asking..."
"Why?"
"Can you tell me why you chose to say/do that in this moment?"
"Help me understand here what you mean by having said/done that just now."

Third, when someone is talking "at" you with their incessant beliefs, attitudes, opinions:

"That's an interesting viewpoint;  something definitely worth thinking about."
"Your opinion is very interesting....do you mind telling me how you arrived at it?"
"Well, you certainly know your own opinion;  as for me, I have my own on that topic."
"Isn't America great?  The one place we all can have our own opinion on any topic!"

Next, when someone keeps repeating themselves to you about any topic and/or need they have:

"I hear and understand what you are saying;  you (repeat back what person has said)."  Is there something more that you want me to know on this issue that you haven't already said?"
"I feel like you aren't sure that I understand what you are saying, but believe me, I do.  You said (repeat back what person has said).  Correct?"
"I understand what you are asking for, but I need time to think about it and will let you know later."
"I feel as if you are trying to convice me about something that I haven't had the chance to think about on my own.  So, give me the time to think about it...and I'll get back with you with my response."
"I understand completely what you are asking for.  Please give me the time to decide what I want to do as a result.  I will get back with you when I know."

Last, when someone is blatantly abusive towards you (verbally):

"It's clear that you are having a bad time right now for whatever reason;  we can discuss this later."
"When you can speak to me without yelling or screaming, I'm sure I will be able to listen to you much better."
"If I said or did anything to offend you, now would be a good time to tell me without yelling or screaming please."
"Last time I checked, we didn't have this type of relationship.  So could you stop, think, and consider what you really want to say to me before you continue any further with this verbal tirade?"
"It's not my fault that you're having a bad time right now.  I'd like to help you, but I can't if you are going to continue yelling and carrying on like this."

So---there you have it.  These are my own "responses" to various "clogs" that can occur in the communication pipeline between yourself and.....???  Whomever!  These assertive responses are meant to help you FACE whatever "uncomfortable" encounters you have with others in an appropriate and timely manner.  Everyone has to start somewhere.  Maybe this will be your day...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Relaxing 101...

Shut up and relax.  I always loved that line.  Reminds me of what Woody Allen's advice was to those facing the electric chair:  "Don't sit down."  Hilarious.  Yet it is pretty amazing how difficult it is for so many people to actually slow their breathing, lower their pulse and blood pressure, and clear their mind of its clutter in light of industry changes and innovations over the past 20-30 years.  This would not involve the purchase and use of central nervous system depressants by the way.  These depressants include but are not limited to alcohol, marijuana, pain killers, all "huffing" substances (spraypaint, airplane glue, etc.), and of course the grand-daddy of them all, heroin.
When you think about it, the ability to relax is all about the ability to cultivate and maintain inner peace, period.  And when a person experiences true and authentic inner peace...they are relaxed.  It's all pretty plain and simple.  Many find that practicing their faith-based beliefs on a regular and consistent basis is an important key here.  The power of prayer is beyond powerful;  it allows us to release our day-to-day worries in such a way as to know they will be ultimately solved, resolved, or dissolved.  Prayer also allows us to create and maintain a deeply personal and intimate relationship with our Creator;  we are not limited to merely attending a place of worship each week.  We can actually commune with God anytime and anyplace, and without a designated man or woman of the cloth to control/guide/lead the process.  Please don't misunderstand me, attending church, temple, mosque, or hall provides the opportunity to fellowship with other believers in a structured and coordinated fashion;  I'm merely pointing out that this isn't "all there is" to experiencing your own personal relationship with God.
Beyond the spiritual practices that help us understand the truth behind this saying:  "No God, No Peace...Know God, Know Peace"...there are other things that can be done to bring peace into your daily life. 
Eating right, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, exercising regularly...these are all practices that ensure the health of your physical body.  If you have a pre-existing medical issue or mental health issue, it is also equally important to seek out treatment and follow it in accordance with your doctor's recommendation.  I have seen more individuals tank due to self-neglect and/or abuse in this area of their lives.  It is impossible to relax when your body and mind is not functioning properly to begin with...
Our relational life is another important component which impacts our overall ability to relax and maintain inner peace.  Some people are naturally drawn towards others---and some are not.  In the final analysis, everyone needs to feel valued, worthy, and that they matter to someone other than themselves.  This isn't going to happen if the only person you hang out with is yourself.  No matter how old you are or how involved or uninvolved you have been socially in the past...there is no time like the present to reach out and touch someone.  Our desire to understand and be understood is universal;  that won't happen unless you learn how to not only have a friend...but to be a friend.
Of course there are all the hundreds and thousands of "tips" which are printed up and sold every year which promote various ways to relax.  Take a hot bath, practice yoga, pet your dog or cat, etc. etc.  That's all well and good, but without the above-mentioned foundational components in place...there are no amount of "tips" that will ever truly work to bring peace into your life for more than a minute.
I won't tell you to shut up at this point...but I certainly hope you'll be inspired to relax.

From Left Field...

I played baseball on and off throughout my younger years.  I was so "good" at it...my usual position was left field.  That's the spot between first and second base way way back in the outfield.  Where the ball hardly ever goes....

Given the business I am in now, I find that I am constantly receiving unexpected hits from left field on a consistent basis.  Take the other day for example.  I was in my car just about ready to go into Whole Foods when I got a call from some random out-of-state area code.  I thought, "What the heck!?" but of course I answered it.  Turned out to be someone I saw once several years ago.  She initially wanted to know if I remembered her and the exact nature of our first (and last!) session together.  That would be a "No.", but I digress.  When I asked if she would be kind enough to remind me, she responded by saying, "I don't think I better." 
Okay.  Was this a crank phone call?  Did I just stumble into the Twilight Zone without realizing it?    Turned out that the person I was speaking to was ensnared in a nasty child custody battle with her soon-to-be ex.  To make a long story short, she was led to believe that a particular diagnosis would guarantee her own inability to maintain custody of her children in a court of law.  Although there are some diagnoses that would definitely put into question a parent's ability to think and respond clearly to real-life circumstances involving minor children...this diagnosis was not one of them.  But she wasn't having it....because she wasn't hearing me, let alone listening to me.
For a brief moment, I wondered for the thousanth time how people can be so blind to the things that are true...and so convinced of the things that are untrue.  Clearly, I wasn't going to be of any help to this woman as long as she remained agitated and unfocused.  In the end, I was able to repeat what she needed to know enough times for my words (I hoped!) to sink in.
I don't know what the future holds for this woman and her family...but I hope she eventually learns that all kinds of things can come at a person from left field.  It is our ability to discern whether or not it needs chasing down or letting go that can make a major difference. 

Hypocrites....

Who hasn't had at least one "zinger" experience with a good old fashion hypocrite?  God knows I have;  including those experiences I have had with myself...
Hypocrisy isn't just about saying one thing and doing another.  It is also about NOT saying what needs to be said in the face of wrongdoing and/or repeated wrongdoing.  I think back to a time when I was asked to be involved in a very large project that involved hundreds of hours of planning, implementation, and follow up.  Because of my marketing background and experience as a consultant to small business (before I became a psychotherapist that is!)...I was one heck of a fit for this project effort. 
My first clue that things were becoming rotten in Denmark occurred when I heard that a couple of interlopers were "upset" that I had already completed some work they had expected to "have the opportunity" to do themselves.  Okay.  I blew it off because neither one of them was formally included in this project ANYWAY, so how could they be upset over the nothing they had nothing to do with?  That was my first mistake.  Without realizing it at the time, I was being tested to see what I was made out of...without realizing that the goal was to eventually swallow me whole.
There were additional incidents which rubbed me in several wrong ways of course...but each time I made an excuse to not see what was right before my face.  It was easier that way, or so I thought.
It wasn't until several months later when the project was complete that I realized how lax I had been in not confronting their dysfunctional behaviors head on.  I had just been too busy doing the work of the project;  however, I had also used that fact as a reason to avoid my responsibility towards myself!  Yet I learned a lot from what I went through.  I learned that remaining silent in the face of inappropriate behaviors is no different than condoning those same behaviors with a smile...just like the hypocrite.  I also learned that for the perpetrators of such behaviors, denial wasn't just a river in Egypt..it was a flipping ocean!
Since that time, there have been many changes which shook the status quo in ways I could have never imagined.  Which in my own humble opinion was long LONG overdue.  High horses were knocked over, walking papers were issued, and the wheat (as they say!) was separated from the chaff...
And that, my friends, was a very good thing.
Until next time...