What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do...

Being "stuck" is one of the two reasons why people seek out psychotherapy.  Regardless of the problem or issue or dilemma they are facing in life, if someone is feeling "stuck" and unable to solve, resolve, or dissolve their problem(s)---that doesn't feel too good.  Often, it feels terrible.  When it gets really bad, it feels suffocating.
The other reason why people seek out psychotherapy is due to feeling "lost".  Yep, that about sums it up.  People feel either stuck...or lost...or some combination of the two.  Pretty simple right?  Not really.  Why?  Because instead of doing the "right" thing to un-stick themselves or get "found"---people tend to naturally do other things that only makes their situation(s) worse.
Susan was an example of someone I knew who was lost.  She never really knew what her point and purpose was in this life of hers.  She spent her first 40 years basically floating through time and space with one guy after another believing that he/them held the key to her inner peace and personal happiness.  Wrong assumption #1.  Nobody can "make" you happy or feel fulfilled Susan.  Stuff like that only comes from within.  Why didn't you learn that Susan by the time you were say 25 or 30?  Who knows?  Maybe because Susan came from a family of codependents whose whole purpose in life was to avoid real responsibilities (personally, professionally, and otherwise!) at any cost.  In otherwords, Susan was raised by a bunch of "Let's get the most out of life for the least no matter how much it hurts others" kinda people!  Even when it came to falling in love and what Susan "expected" from her significant other even after he was her fourth, fifth, and sixth "true love" relationship.
John, on the flip side of that coin, was someone who was stuck.  John just couldn't stop hooking himself up with self-absorbed, angry, and demanding women.  Don't get me wrong...John was lost too.  He didn't know who he was or what he was designed to do in life, but in John's case his appetite for adrenaline rushes kept getting in the way.  John wanted it all.  He wanted the heat and the passion and the action and the money and the most beautiful women always.  He was stuck in high gear.  He couldn't slow himself down.  He had no idea how to do so.  All he knew was that life was short, time was marching on, and he wasn't getting any younger. 
Of course it follows that Susan and John found each other in the wrong place at the same time.  She's lost and looking for a daddy---and some sugar---and some safety and security.  While he's looking for someone to save him from himself without even noticing how that was his pattern.  To help unstick him you see.  As if Susan could do that for him.  As if anyone could.
Eight years and one kiddie later, Susan and John come to see me in therapy. It's like being in the middle of a clip from "Shame" to say the least.  He's a raging sex addict and she is too.  He's a closet druggie and she's an open book of whatever works to make her feel better fast.  Their kiddie is a poster child for "This is what neglect looks like in 2012".  It's a freaking mess.  But at least they came to therapy.  And the very least I can do is attempt to help them see what they have been fighting themselves from seeing their entire lives:  how being "stuck" and how being "lost" is not the end of the world.  They are merely signposts which signal that help is needed and needs to be followed.  One step at a time and one day at a time. 
Pain is not meant to define us...but to prepare us.  Prepare us for a better and healthier future that is.
Being lost or stuck isn't anywhere you want to live for too long.

Children Learn What They Live...

Dorothy Louise Law isn't a name you may be familiar with...but her most famous poem probably is.  Back in 1954, Law had her poem published in the Torrance Herald when she was just 30 years old.  Since then Law's poem has been published and re-published...along with various revised versions credited to additional authors.  The most recent "revised" version of Law's poem I found was published in 2005 and credited to Duen Hsi Yen.  In my own humble opinion, this poem (regardless of the version you prefer!) should be framed and hung in every household across this planet.  Law's poem is a reminder of how our "adult" lives so influence what children learn from us...

Children Learn What They Live (1959)

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn....
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight...
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive...
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself...
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy...
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt...

BUT

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what the truth is.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those around him.
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.

With what is your child living?

Mary DiPaolo's 2012 version of "Children Learn What They Live"

If a child lives with neglect, she learns she doesn't matter.
If a child lives with inconsistency, he learns confusion.
If a child lives with addiction, she learns instant gratification.
If a child lives with violence, he learns to feel terror.
If a child lives with hypocrisy, she learns that the truth is relative
If a child lives with powerlessness, he learns to feel helpless.
If a child lives with ridicule, she learns to live in shame.
If a child lives with unpredictability, he learns nothing is certain.

BUT

If a child lives with nuturing, she learns to feel worthy.
If a child lives with serenity, he learns to feel peace.
If a child lives with honesty, she learns to feel justice.
If a child lives with sharing, he learns to be generous.
If a child lives with understanding, she learns to feel encouraged.
If a child lives with laughter, he learns to feel happy.
If a child lives with acceptance, she learns to feel grace.
If a child lives with love, she learns to feel trust.

With what are YOU living?

Waking Up...

Waking up from a deep sleep is never easy---especially when you are, in your own mind, already "awake" when it happens.  Back in my graduate student days, we learned about the "Up Periscope" mentality which states how we are invariably pretty good at noticing the "hard truths" about other peoples' lives pretty quickly.  Not unlike the periscope on a submarine, once it is up and out of the water, it can be used to see very clearly 360 degrees in any direction.  Yet when it comes to viewing our own lives and the "hard truths" associated with them....our periscopes suddenly seem to shatter.  We see only what we want to see...and when.

Take Jenny for example.  She is a wife, mother, and grandmother.  She appears to be very loving, kind, and generous.  She goes to church every Sunday, she volunteers at the local hospital three times a week, and she's been married for over 40 years.  No one would ever dare to imagine that Jenny is also a primary toxic force in the lives of her children and grandchildren.  Unbeknownst to her and them, Jenny is a major controller.  So much so that her "need" to be "needed" has often resulted in the continuance of some pretty nasty family dysfunctions.  She, as one example, is addicted to her grandchildren.  Does that sound strange?  Not when you listen to Jenny's adult children talk about their mother's "grandmothering".  Without realizing it, Jenny has initiated more than one "drama" in order to undermine her adult childrens' parenting opportunities, styles, and patterns.  "Oh, just let him stay here and spend the night.." she has told her adult daughter each and every time she's babysat for her grandson.  Because Jenny can't hear "no", her daughter has felt helpless in standing up for herself.  As a single parent, Jenny's daughter knows she "needs" her mom at times to help...but is becoming more and more frustrated with Jenny's "taking over" more and more of her grandson's daily life.

That's just one small example.  I understand it's difficult to wrap one's brain around the idea of how "helping" or "giving" to someone else can often represent the front end of an extremely toxic and destructive relational style.  For those who have seen me about this type of issue, I have been told many times that it can feel like a "con".  "I was set up and I didn't even know it.." is one line I've heard over and over again from the unwitting "victim" living out such a dynamic.

Carrying your own load of responsibility is something we must all practice on a daily basis.  Carrying someone else's load in order to satisfy your "need" to be needed is not.  What will end up happening is that you'll feel burned out, used, and neglected....while those around you become increasingly angry, resentful, and guilty.  It's a lose-lose proposition no matter how you slice it.  Waking up from this destructive pattern begins by acknowledging the problem you have with (insert name of person(s) you are addicted to here) who just doesn't seem to understand how much you are trying to "love" and "help" and "support" him and/or her. 

Remember, you are not God.  The person(s) you are addicted to are not God.  Only God is God. 
And He wants you to wake up too....