When You Know TMI...

Too much information.  Well...what can we expect?  We live in the age of information, so of course there is going to be too much of it floating around!  But what if the TMI in your own life has to do with your family---and its secrets?

Last post, I addressed the issue of dirty secret keeping within families...and in the name of family "loyalty".  Today I will be speaking about how "he or she with the most insight catches the most sh**" within family systems.  Why?  Because it's true folks;  when you "get" (understand) your family and how each choose to cope and roll when triggered/stressed out/overwhelmed (etcetera etcetera!)….then be prepared for target practice, with you as the target!

"Don't shoot the messenger" is an old saying that has been around for what seems forever.  I know when I first heard it, I had no clue what it meant?  What messenger?  Why shoot a messenger?  Then I remember when I first heard another saying:  "Everyone gets to choose how much truth they can stand."  Between knowing too much information about one's own family system...or another...and then being faced with those family members who can't handle too much truth to begin with---it becomes clear pretty quickly that a sh** storm will be a brewin' sooner or later...

"Karin" is the youngest of four, though now in her early 50s.  Karin was married briefly in her 20s, but had no children.  She and her three siblings are scattered across the U.S.;  the last time they were together was for their father's funeral several years ago.  None of Karin's siblings have children either--though two out of the four are currently married.  Karin's mother passed away last year, though she lived on her own in a separate state from any of her children.

Karin was, by her own admission, the "black sheep" in her family of origin.  "I didn't want to go to college, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life career wise like my brother and sisters did", says Karin.  On the other hand, Karin was extremely aware of the dysfunction and patterns of dysfunction present within her original family.  "My older brother was monstrously unpredictable", claims Karin.  "My first memory of him was feeling afraid when he was near me", she says.  Karin's next oldest sister was of little comfort to Karin as Karin grew older.  "She was so caught up in hating us because our mother worked her like a mule.  I tried to be helpful, but my sister screamed at me a lot so I basically gave up."

By the time everyone went their separate ways as adults, Karin felt both lonely and ostracized by her family.  "I can remember trying to get everyone together when my father was still alive, but it never happened where we were all there at the same time for Thanksgiving---or even Christmas.  I asked my mother once if it bothered her that we were so disconnected as a family...and all she did was jump down my throat for even mentioning it."

As Karin learned, being a truth teller within her original family did her no favors.  "When my brother got divorced, none of us were "allowed" to speak to his ex wife ever again.  When my brother found out that she and I had met a couple of times for lunch, he blew a gasket", says Karin.  "What he doesn't know is that his ex wife told me how violent he was towards her during the marriage and this is why she ended up leaving."  Sheesh no wonder he wouldn't "allow" contact!

As Karin has sought out therapy to reduce the frequency of her own bad feelings about herself, she has learned some valuable lessons.  "I am learning that scapegoating is a real deal;  the family scapegoat isn't always the person who was bad or did bad in a family coming up.  Sometimes the scapegoat is the person who is the truth seeker or truth teller that everyone else wants to shut up."  Karin is right.  Scapegoating isn't limited to the son or daughter who is a "loser" by the family's own definition.  The family scapegoat may also be the family's most functional member---the family member who sees what is and sees how wrong it's all been.

"Sue" and "Charla" are best friends.  Charla knows that Sue has a drinking problem and has for years.  But, as Charla says, she's tried countless times to "carefront" Sue when they have been out together...and Sue has drank too much.  "It just doesn't work", says Charla.  "I can see she's drunk;  I can hear her slurring her words...and she immediately turns nasty if I say anything she doesn't want to hear."  What is Charla to do?

After Charla started therapy, she learned that she no longer has to be in the business of fixing, saving, or rescuing Sue from herself---and her drinking problem.  She also learned that going out with Sue for drinks was much like taking out a brittle diabetic to Sanders' for a hot fudge cream puff.  In spite of Sue's verbal abuse whenever Charla mentioned the "d" word (drinking!)….Charla was caught up in her own pattern of allowing their dysfunction to repeat itself (over and over again!) like clockwork.
For Charla to expect a different result whenever she and Sue were out drinking together...was truly insane.  Ultimately, Charla focused on treating herself better by not putting herself in situations where she was setting herself up for abuse.  Once her absence from hitting up the bars together was felt by Sue, Sue took up with another friend to pretty much replace Charla.  "That's when I realized Sue had no interest in preserving our friendship", states Charla.  "I was just a body to go out drinking with in her mind."  Yes Charla, that's kind of how alcoholics roll just sayin'...  But at least Charla got that memo eventually, rather than to remain stuck in that dysfunctional pattern with her former bff...

When we know too much information, we need to remember and focus on the present in terms of our own mental health and general well being.  Throwing ourselves under the bus by allowing ourselves to be targeted (by whomever and whenever) for some form of abuse is never a good plan.  If we don't view ourselves as mattering much, then why would we be surprised when we get hit up one side and down the other (either literally or figuratively) by those who can't stand too much truth?

Weeding our own garden of its destructive forces is not a bad thing.  When we don't, the weeds really do end up taking over all that was once beautiful.

Until next time...

Family Loyalty DOES NOT EQUAL Dirty Secret Keeping!

Oh boy.  Here we go with one of my more "difficult" posts to write about today;  the difference between family loyalty and dirty secret keeping.  Hang onto your hats and shorts readers;  this one is a wild ride....

To begin, it is never o.k. to keep secrets.  And as the old saying goes, "If it's a secret, you shouldn't be in it."  That's a fact.  Secrets, by their very nature, are not good for us as they are all about hiding.  Hiding what, you may ask?  Bluntly stated, secrets are designed to hide truths about ourselves and/or other people while at the same time hide offenses committed against oneself or other people, including of course the most innocent among us (children).  Keeping secrets, as such, include exaggerations of the truth, blatant lies, half truths, or complete denial and/or dissociation from reality. In one study of death row inmates, it was found that the overwhelming majority would rather die in the electric chair than admit they were abused violently by one or both parents as children.  Wow...so this secret keeping really can work to twist reality up into major knots over time.  Yes, it's true.  Dirty secret keeping is the scourge on American families just like the black plague was in Europe during the Middle Ages.  Secrets merely serve to rob, kill, and destroy those who create them..and then keep them.

So...how does dirty secret keeping fit in with family loyalty?  I know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.  Well---think about it.  If your sister throws a fit whenever you "mention" something she doesn't want to hear or discuss---and then flips out on you for even bringing up the topic---there you go!  However it occurs, the message of "DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT TO ME!" comes through loud and clear when someone starts throwing up that "L" card (LOYALTY!) at you as an immediate or extended family member.  "We don't talk about that and neither should you!"  "Don't you DARE tell anybody about that ever!"  "What's wrong with you?  Do you WANT him to come after you?"  etc. etc. etc.

Loyalty, and in particular family loyalty, is NEVER about secret keeping, let alone dirty secret keeping!  Loyalty is about faithfulness and support of someone you love and care for the purpose of encouraging, inspiring, and hopefully motivating them to achieve their own life's purpose!  This means that every one of us needs to live and function as authentic "works in progress" while we are here for as long as we are (on planet Earth that is!).  We need to improve ourselves with the passage of time, not spiral downward into hot messes of nasty by the time we reach old age.

Family loyalty does not mean ignoring the obvious offenses (sin!) that are committed under your own nose.  When we refuse to say anything, in the moment of an offense that we have witnessed or has been directed at us, we are by our own very silence, agreeing with the perpetrator's choice.  Just last night I was at a fundraiser for the Michigan Abolitionist Project (MAP) where the keynote speaker was sharing about violent sexual abuse she experienced at age 7.  While her family was in the next room partying and playing cards, one of their "friends" would go into her bedroom, violently rape her, and then go back to the card table after claiming to have needed  a bathroom break.  And nobody at that card table even questioned this abuser doing that at least once or twice every Friday night?!  Why did he have to use the bathroom by going through their young daughter's bedroom?  Absolute insanity!  But that's how it can be when dirty secret keeping maintains a "friendship" with someone who, in truth, needed to be in prison for repeated child sexual abuse.

None of us are exempt from having kept secrets in the name of family loyalty.  I was just told the other day about a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who also was a serial cheater while his children were growing up.  One of the adult children (now) knew the score then and never forgot;  another sibling is still denying that "daddy" did anything even remotely inappropriate ever.  A third adult sibling is now himself a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who cheats on his spouse.  Yep, that's how it can roll over the course of time.  Dirty secret keeping breeds more dirty secret keeping with each successive generation.

Unless someone is brave enough and courageous enough to break the cycle and chain of dysfunction....it will continue on for as long as it does.  Period.

So---in the name of breaking tradition, think about your own life and current circumstances.  Do you need to start facing those difficult truths about yourself and/or others in your family so as to set all involved free once and for all?  If you need help with that process, that's why I and others like me are here to help.

Break the chain.  If nothing changes, nothing changes!