Sibling Abuse....

I have worked with far too many brothers and sisters to NOT understand how everything is not always as it appears within a family system.  One of the biggest "taboo" subjects among brothers and sisters (or sisters and sisters...or brothers and brothers for that matter!) is the issue of sibling abuse. 

Today's post is devoted to the topic of siblings who may be physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abusing their brother(s) and/or sister(s)....as well as to those who are being abused (and therefore victimized) by their brother(s) and/or sister(s).

The first thing to remember always is that ABUSE IS NEVER O.K.  I don't care if you (as someone who abuses or someone who has been abused) say to yourself, "It's not a big deal because I/he/she didn't..."  Forget it.  You're lying to yourself.  I had a woman once tell me that performing oral sex on her brother was "no big deal" because "it wasn't like we were having sex or anything like that!"  Really?  That's kinda like saying you weren't robbed because the robber only took $1,000 from you instead of $1,500.  Give me a break.  When you are "forced" or othewise "heavily persuaded" to engage in sexual activity with someone else (ANY sexual activity to include kissing "with tongues", watching sexually explicit images on their I-Phone, or television, or on the internet, etc.)....LET ALONE when that "someone" is a biological relative (like your brother, or sister, or father, or mother, or grandparents)...how is that NOT abuse?!  It is.  Get over your delusions.  IT IS ABUSE!

I remember someone I knew many years ago who was a piano teacher.  She told me shortly after we met that her brother had been sexually active with her until she started having her period.  After she started her period, she told me that she put an end to their sexual activity even though she was extremely afraid of her brother.  I asked her why.  She told me the following:  "Well, if I ever came up pregnant, I'd get in so much trouble just for that---and what would my parents do if they ever found out it was my brother's?  They'd kill both of us!"  Unfortunately, this line of thinking is very common among sexual abuse victims and survivors.  The shame, ambivalence, betrayal, contempt, and guilt "feelings" that victims continuously experience keep going round and round in their heads like a hamster wheel.  They don't think or view anything very clearly because these "big 5" feelings keep them from moving forward in an appropriate direction.

For sexual abuse perpetrators, all they know is that they are in need of a "fix" and any body (and I do mean ANY body!) will do.  They aren't thinking about how they are basically engaging in the murder of their victim's soul;  instead, they just know they want to feel good fast.  I was told just recently by a client that her sibling fractured her skull more than once during the years of their "abuse" relationship.  Abusers who are under the age of 18 and have been "free" to abuse from whatever time their abusive pattern started are at most risk.  These are the folks that without heavy duty and ongoing treatment for their sexually deviant behaviors WILL end up abusing others until the day they die...or are left to rot in prison.  (And as we all know, prison creates a whole other "reality" for childhood abuse perpetrators who are found out within that system!)

Probably the best book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse is "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender.  It talks in depth about those "big 5" feelings I just mentioned and how they impact victims of past abuse as they grow and develop into adulthood WITHOUT proper intervention and treatment.  The book also talks about the "roles" abuse victims often fall into as a result of having been sexually abused as children or teenagers...and what further damage that causes.  For example, do you REALLY think strippers just "like" take their clothes off for money?  Do you think the 350 lb. celibate woman who hasn't ever had a boyfriend just likes to eat and be alone?  Do you think the prostitute on the street corner just happens to enjoy working outdoors?  Hello!  There's a link to everything we do and why we do it!

For sexual abusers, what can I tell you?  You didn't just one day randomly decide "Hey, I think I'll abuse my little brother and sister today!"  You may not know how you got to the place you are at "now", but believe me...it didn't "just happen" because today is Tuesday and you're bored.  Without immediate intervention and treatment, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime in hell not to mention eternity.  Get help.  Make the call.  Whether it is to me or some other psychotherapist who works with sexual abuse perpetrators and victims....please make the call.

 

Paying Attention....

Nobody can learn much when they don't pay attention.  If you hope to understand "anything" in this life, it is imperative that you pay attention.  If you don't or can't or won't for whatever reason(s), your ability to "get it" about "whatever" is going to stay stuck at around zero.

Take Milana* for example.  She "loves" and "adores" her boyfriend Reggie*.  She wants to marry Reggie.  Her Pinterest boards look like mini shrines erected in the name of the almighty "W" word (that would be wedding!).  She has pins of the engagement ring she most likes, the wedding dress, the table decorations, lighting, bachelorette party outfit...need I go on?  Of course it would be nice if Milana and Reggie had even one conversation about getting engaged or married sometime in the future, but they haven't.  As a matter of fact, Reggie has repeatedly shared with way too many others that he is literally petrified of getting married.  According to Reggie, Milana is a "hot" piece of (well, you can insert the appropriate adjective here) and that's good enough for now.  Poor Milana.  I am presuming that she is willing to put up with anything as opposed (in her mind) to having nothing.  She says she is in "no hurry" to get married, yet she will do and be wherever Reggie or his extended family are at in any given moment.  She also will do and be whatever Reggie wants her to do or be at any given moment.  This would include things like organizing a garage sale for his brother's wife while also "donating" items to be sold and babysitting their kids during sale days.  My prediction is that Reggie will eventually one day get married (when he's old and his fiance is about 15-20 years younger than himself), but not to Milana.  She won't be so "hot" by then.

Milana's primary problem is that she can't see Reggie and who he authentically is through a lens of reality.  She hasn't been paying attention since the day they met.  When Reggie was caught cheating on Milana, she was quick to forgive him...over and over again.  When Milana found out Reggie didn't graduate from college even though he says he did, she forgave him once again.  When Reggie involved her in several "get rich quick" schemes and she lost her savings, guess who said "That's o.k. honey---I forgive you!"   As a matter of fact, Milana has forgiven Reggie so many times about so many things---I can't help but wonder why she didn't become a nun instead of Reggie's girlfriend!

Not paying attention to the details of what goes on in your life and relationships is akin to driving blind.  Why does this happen?  For one thing, children as they grow up are often conditioned to "not think, not feel, and not speak" about a whole lot of stuff that goes on or went on in their households.  This is especially true of adult children of alcoholics, drug addicts, violent abusers, and sexual predators (just to name a handful).  After all, what does a child do with TMI (too much information) about parents who are alternately abusive and neglectful--not to mention siblings who may also be alternately abusive and neglectful?  Ride out the nightmare for the next xx years until they can escape at age 18 or as soon as possible after that?  Yes, that is exactly what many of them do.  The only problem is getting "out" of the household of origin isn't the full solution to the problems of the past.  This is true especially when the extent of "paying attention" began and ended with the "goal" of moving out of one's parents' house one day...

I started out this post referring to Milana and Reggie in the present tense.  Thankfully, that's not the case any longer.  Reggie dumped Milana about two months ago for a "hotter" young thang anyway which led to her finding and then contacting me.  She's a fortunate young lady.  It could have turned out a whole lot worse for Milana.  She'll get that eventually....but we've got our own work to do in the meantime.

*Pseudonyms;  if there is a "real" Milana and Reggie out there with this history...I'm psychic!






 

The Cost of Perfectionism

"When you can walk on water, let me know.  Then I will know you're perfect."  I don't know if that was exactly what the bumper sticker said...but it was words to that effect.  Inotherwords, if you were/are just like Jesus (fully God and fully man according to the Christian world view)...then you could and can rightfully claim "perfection" as one of your core character traits.

Yet what do we see over and over again in this psychiatric unit of a universe we all share?  People striving to BE perfect, to ACT perfect, to ACHIEVE perfect;  it never ends!  I don't care how old you are--it's like a bad epidemic!  Even Honey Boo Boo (TLC's latest entry into the reality show market) at age SIX is being put through a whole lot of drama, trauma, and tears in order to "win" every pagent she enters.  When will this madness end?  Perfection is an impossible goal;  nobody can ever "be" perfect when (a) it doesn't exist.

Now don't get me wrong as I say that.  I'm not talking "it does not exist" as if I'm some eastern philosopher living in a dream state.  I mean perfection does not exist for us (as mere humans) to access and master by our own force of will.  If it did, our world would look and function a whole lot differently than it does now.  There would be no war, no famine, no crime, no sickness, no death, no "nothing" that is "bad".  Am I lying to you?  No, I am not.  Perfection is  something we waste a whole lot of time on trying to master in our own lives and, as a result, judge a whole lot of others unfairly about when they fall short.  Talk about a vicious cycle!  Yikes!

Let's talk about my former client "Jolene" for a moment.  A gifted high schooler with many talents, Jolene played soccer, had many friends, and could make most anyone laugh.  Jolene came in to see me because she thought she was "bipolar" and couldn't squash the negative thoughts she felt were beginning to control her life.  "I get so upset and I don't know why;  I feel sometimes like I just want to go away and do my life over again somewhere where nobody knows me..."  Jolene was a young woman under a lot of pressure.  Often, it was difficult getting her to even see me for an appointment because there were so many other "obligations" she had to meet on a daily and weekly basis.  "I can't do Thursday at 4:00PM because I have soccer practice until 7:00PM", etc. etc.  No wonder Jolene was under pressure!  She was being ruled (in one sense) by her schedule!  But if she didn't have that schedule to follow, Jolene told me herself she knows she'd feel "worse".  "What would I do if I'm not busy?  Think about how depressed and angry I am even more than I do now?  Forget it!"  As you may be able to see now as I did, Jolene's lifestyle wasn't helping her cause.  She was caught up in a cycle that she didn't know how to end and was afraid to end both at the same time...

With time and patience, Jolene was able to finally see how her pursuit of perfection was no "solution" to her deeper feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, anger, and ambivalence.  How can you feel "less" ashamed about how you are as a person (which is a wrong way to think about shame in the first place and the function it serves in our lives!)...when what you are doing is "never good enough" in your own eyes?  That is truly like trying to lose weight by eating a 5 lb. bag of sugar every day.  It just ain't gonna fix what you want fixin'!  As it turned out, Jolene was not bipolar, but she did struggle with a substance abuse problem that certainly didn't help her uncomfortable and out-of-control negative feelings...

How many times do we hear "Nobody's perfect!" and readily agree how "true" a statement that is as we then turn around and try to prove to ourselves at the very least, "But I am!"   That's not only a sad, but an insane way of thinking.  Nobody is perfect because NO BODY is perfect!'  This is a cold hard fact of life.  It doesn't mean you can't do your "best" when you do whatever it is you do.  If you can just make the switch in your own thinking from "I must be perfect!" to "I must do my best!"...you'll be on your way to recovery.  Your "excellent" best is the most you can hope for in this life.  Do that in all that you pursue...and you'll be fine.  Yes, you will make mistakes along the way (because we ALL do!)...but again, THAT IS O.K.!  It is o.k. to make mistakes as they can be used to TEACH us what we need to learn about ourselves and the world around us.  But once we get addicted or obsessed with this idea of "I have to be perfect!" or "They have to be perfect!" or "It has to be pefect!"---forget it.  Then you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of disappointment that ends up making no one more miserable than Y-O-U!

Acceptance of reality and "what is" is the first step towards conquering a perfection-based mentality one and for all.  Be kinder and gentler to yourself...know you can make mistakes and your life won't be ruined...learn from those mistakes...and move forward with a positive and willing attitude.

Of course, you can always call me and I'll help set you straight.  Not because I'm perfect mind you...