Me Too....So....Now What?

The national conversation regarding the recent #MeToo movement is long overdue.  I am surprised it took until 2006 for social activist Tarana Burke to coin the phrase itself;  even more shocking that another eleven years had to pass before #MeToo was made the catch phrase against sexual harassment and assault in the workplace.  The original purpose of #MeToo was to empower young and vulnerable women who were sexually harassed, assaulted, or abused through the use of empathy.  The movement has shape shifted some since last fall to include other, new movements such as #TimesUp, #ChurchToo, #HowIWillChange, and #IWill...just to name some.  These shifts represent the growth within the original movement to include both men and women of all ages, colors, sexual identity and preference;  in addition, to address ways in which to hold perpetrators appropriately responsible and stop the cycle of sexual harassment and violence in the workplace....

Lofty goals for a reality that has been present within humanity since the dawn of mankind.  Just sayin'.  Please don't misunderstand me:  any movement that shines a light on sexual harassment, assault, and abuse in the workplace is beyond overdue.  In a 2017 poll by ABC News and the Washington Post, 54% of women in this country report receiving "unwanted and inappropriate" sexual advances...with 95% saying that such behavior usually goes unpunished.  In contrast, a person who makes a sexual harassment complaint at work in France is reprimanded or fired 40% of the time..while the accused person is typically not investigated or punished.  In Japan, as few as 4% of rape victims report the crime, and charges are dropped in about 50% of all cases.  Since existing options for reporting have so abysmally failed legitimate victims, "whisper networks" developed unofficially in nearly every industry and major institution in this country.  These private lists of "people to avoid at work" have been shared from person-to-person, in private social media groups, via online forums, and spreadsheets.  The media has picked up on this practice and has presented how such lists can become weaponized so as to spread unsubstantiated gossip about otherwise innocent people.  In other words, whatever people are doing to protect themselves and others from known sexual bullies within their workplace....it hasn't prevented these same bullies from doing what they do over and over again.  Think Bill Cosby folks.  Think Harvey Weinstein.  Think about your lecherous college professor from back in the day...

So, why is that?  How can the phrase "MeToo" be tweeted by actor Alyssa Milano around noon on October 15th of this past year....and then be used more than 200,000 times by the end of that day...tweeted more than 500,000 times by October 16th....and used by more than 4.7 million people in 12 million posts during the first 24 hours----and to what end?  "It" happened to you...and "it" happened to #MeToo?  Yeah....and...???

And what about a national conversation about what we, as #MeToo survivors, need to be about and do to stop the cycle of sexual violence ourselves?  I find it fascinating that the best-kept secret in all of this hot mess is the role approval, acceptance, and "like" play(ed) in the minds of those who end(ed) up battered, bruised, and broken literally and/or figuratively.  In other words, when I can see and smell the smoke...I don't hang around and wait until it overwhelms me.  Neither do I stick my hand in a pre-existing fire---or merely hope it will eventually disappear.  One thing we all must learn beyond all these fabulous initiatives currently being presented in Congress....in schools....and in so many other of our public and private institutions is this:  check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.  Nobody goes into battle naked and carrying a feather;  if you don't know or want to know what motivates your own choices.....get into therapy at the very least and get yourself some real help.  Any perpetrator knows who he or she is.  The problem is when you or I keep doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome.  Time to stop the madness folks.  And that begins with a good and hard look from the inside out....

Until next time....

The Tyranny of the Self-Deluded....

We all know and are intimately connected to at least one person who has a really difficult time carrying their own load of daily and personal responsibility.  They may just be the type that doesn't want to do their own work---or they may be busy carrying everyone else's loads of daily personal responsibilities----or perhaps they are more focused on pursuing their personal preference of substance and/or process addictions.  Now there's a mouthful eh?  But it's true;  many of us (including me...and including you!) delude ourselves into believing our own glorified press releases about who we genuinely are, as opposed to facing the cold hard facts of our daily choices.  Which, by the way, aren't often good for us in any way, shape, or form.

Let's look at Giselle.  Giselle (not her real name) has been a life-long member of the "I want to be healthy!" club.  Giselle is 45 years old, married, has two pre-teen children...and has been carrying 50 extra pounds around for the past fifteen years.  Giselle knows every diet there is to know and practice;  however, Giselle can't push herself away from the sweets.  "I know I need to just stop eating sugar", claims Giselle, "...but it's just too difficult!  My kids love their cereal in the morning...and I can't deny making them cookies when they ask for them after school..".  Ironically, Giselle's husband could care less about sweets and as a general rule, doesn't eat them.  "That's her thing", he states, "...we wouldn't have any junk food in this house if I did the grocery shopping every week."  Okay then.  Clearly, Giselle is in charge of the extent to which sugar and sugar-based products appear in her household on a routine basis.  How does this jive with Giselle's desire to be healthy?  It doesn't.  Until Giselle makes the link between her own sugar addiction and what she thinks and believes to deny that addiction on a daily basis...she won't.  As such, Giselle will remain caught in the cycle of deluding herself about what she can and can't buy---or prepare---or eat---for herself and her family.

Then there is Jack.  Jack believes himself to be quite the champion of the underdog.  Jack is a lawyer by profession;  he is also a raging alcoholic without a clue as to how he treats his partner Phil, and Phil's children from a previous relationship.  As Phil puts it, "Jack's heart is in the right place, but his drinking turns him into this whole other person who is just so angry about everything!"  And Phil would be correct. Jack is clueless as to how his drinking lifestyle does NOT offer him or anyone else any positive benefits.  Jack recently underwent heart surgery because of several blockages that were discovered;  Jack returned home from the hospital and continued to buy and consume his favorite scotch on a weekly basis.  "He thinks he isn't drinking as much anymore because he saves it for the weekends instead of just drinking every day or  night", states Phil.  Oh boy.  What a mess.  In this situation, Phil is the codependent enabler of Jack's drinking...and Jack is, as always, the large and in charge center of his household's universe.  Until Phil can stand up and speak the truth to Jack about how Jack's drinking has and is genuinely affecting Phil and his children....nothing will change.  And when nothing changes...nothing changes!

Sally is the mother of three adult sons ages 18, 22, and 25 who still live at home with Sally and her husband Fred.  The "boys" as Sally refers to them, share a bachelor pad on the ground level of Sally and Fred's home.  "They are independent;  they have their own entrance...they all have jobs...things are fine" says Sally.  Fred, on the other hand, has a somewhat different perspective.  "They are not losers", Fred begins, "..but they sure have allowed their mother to function as their chief cook, bottle washer, and maid."  In Fred's mind, his stepsons are enjoying the perks of having a devoted mom who will do anything for them without being asked.  "I love Sally but she just doesn't get it about how she's teaching them incompetence by doing all that she does for them every day", states Fred.  Fred would be correct.  By voluntarily "doing" for her sons what they are capable of doing themselves, Sally is teaching each of them a fundamental degree of incompetence by avoiding their own daily loads of personal responsibility.

The tyranny of the self-deluded can be broken.  Everything we face doesn't necessarily change...but everything that changes has always been faced.  Facing what we have to work on is Step One.  Doing our work to change what we have faced represent Steps 2, 3, 4, and beyond until we successfully resolve that issue in our lives.

Our work begins today.  Self-delusion is a nasty adversary.  Break the cycle.  Face your stuff.  Do your work.  One day at a time.  Because why?  Because...you are truly worth it!

Until next time...