Conversations With...An Active Addict

 My only sibling and brother was addicted to both alcohol and street drugs.  I've shared his story before;  he started dabbling with beer and marijuana when he was in the 7th grade.  By the time he had turned 18, he had lost his driver's license....was living off our parents in their home....had no "real" job except for selling marijuana out of his upstairs bedroom....and had been involved in more than a few "near miss" incidents where his own life was spared.

By the time he was 25...more of the same, although he never was able to acquire or keep a full-time job in legitimate society, in spite of being a high school graduate.  

By age 57....he was dead from a fentanyl overdose.  He never did have a "real" job, opting out for SSDI and the associated benefits that he received in his 40s for being diagnosed bipolar.  What he used to do was sell his Bridge card for cash in order to buy street drugs, while scoring free food from local food pantries.  Gleaners was one of his favorite haunts.  I remember being told how he also scored a new stove for he and his roommate at no cost to either of them.  

But I digress.  The weed that cost my brother his life was scored from a "friend".   I wouldn't doubt if the "friend" just gave it to him.  That's how my brother rolled.  Don't pay for anything unless you absolutely have to.  Maybe this "friend" fronted him one too many times and got sick of it.  Who knows?  All I know is that my brother lived one hell of a hard life by his own choice.  He could have received proper treatment for his bipolar disorder;  instead, he chose to go the drunk and/or high route instead.  His toxicology report indicated he was drunk, by the way, when he smoked that weed which killed him.

Have you ever thought about your own conversations with someone you love and care about who is also an active addict?  Maybe you have, maybe you haven't.  I know that for all the conversations I TRIED to have with my brother since he was in 7th grade....nothing soaked in and stuck with him.  How could it?  He was addicted.  He was delusional.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  He was mentally ill.  And he was a liar.  He recoiled from ANY genuine relationship with any-body.  The LAST thing he wanted was to be authentically understood....OR to understand ANYONE!  He didn't have time for that sh**!  To be emotionally and/or spiritually vulnerable like that...forget it!  He wanted to be in control of each and every narrative he participated in!  And what was the theme of his ongoing narrative? "Give me what I want...and nobody will get hurt."  Until the next time, that is.  Such a foolish way to squander one's life, no kidding!

Addicts are notorious for their lying, their manipulations, and their attempts at gaslighting their "targets" to do whatever it is they want from them.  Usually, primarily, it's for money when their own money runs out.  What addict who doesn't even have a job or is floundering his or her way through high school or college off mommy or daddy's $$$ DOES NOT WANT MO' MONEY?!  Sheesh!  This isn't rocket science!  I remember buying my brother the motherlode of clothing from various stores when he turned 21.  I remember taking the time to buy him pants, shirts, jackets, and sweaters so he would "look nice" wherever he went.  Fat lot of good that did me or him.  According to our mother, as soon as he got his gifts from me, he took everything back to the stores for---you guessed it---the $$$!  Then he took off for Vegas (of all places!) in our parent's car (stolen by the way!) and used the refund money to purchase the gas to get there and back!  What. The. Hell?!   He rarely made any sense.  He was following his own deluded script no doubt inspired by a manic episode gone viral before viral was even invented.

Anyone who has an addict in their closet understands this.  Addicts don't care about being appropriately responsible for their own lives.  Their lives are truly reduced down to authentically caring about just one thing:  FEELING GOOD ON DEMAND!    If they get to feel powerful and get to avoid personal responsibility in the process of chasing after that pleasure of the moment---it's all bonus for them!

Grant it, the above example focuses on those addicts who act and then re-enact a major "failure to launch" syndrome ...that can literally last for as long as they live.  Others who are addicted, they may have graduated college and have successful-enough careers, but they keep spreading their misery and discontent around like COVID-19 because they don't care about the pain they cause others;  they only care about their OWN pain and how to eliminate it!  

Addicts lie.  If their lips are moving, they are lying.  Addicts manipulate, or at least attempt to do so.  If their lips are moving, they are manipulating.  Addicts are also toxically codependent.  If they are in a "close" relationship, it is a toxic codependent relationship.  What parasite can survive without a "host" body to live off of?  Yep, that's what it is like for the active addict and his or her chosen codependent "host"/"giver"/ATM machine of choice.  No active addict is capable of loving sacrifice or giving to others WITHOUT any expectations attached!  They are always working their own agendas.  Give me give me give me...and then *$)@ you too.  When you scratch the paint off of an addict, there is a toxic codependent underneath.

Addicts also believe they know everything, and everyone else is just plain dumb in comparison.  Pay attention to what the active addict in your own life accuses you of, harshly judges you for, talks in circles about, interrupts you about, blames you for, blames the world for, carries on about like capital "V" victim, attempts to shame you about, and THEN proclaims/begs/asks/screams/cries/pleads for whatever they want from you today.  Once the spewing is over, there's always the hook:  "give me XXXXX now!"

If ever there was a time to remember something to keep your own mind straight when an active addict targets you, remember this:  you are wasting your time attempting to talk sense into someone who is MORE invested in manipulating, misunderstanding, AND misrepresenting you!  

Conversations with an active addict don't go well and only lead to more drama, crisis, and chaos.  You can stop the madness, but it will require pulling your head out first...so you CAN see the daylight!

Until next post...

Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Predators (VEAPs)..How To Manage Oneself! (Part II)

Last post, I introduced readers to the VEAPs among us.  Today's blog post presents how we can best manage ourselves in spite of any VEAP encounters we experience at home, work, school, or pretty much anywhere we are!  ;-)

Since nobody has the power to change anyone else but themselves, we need to remember this second noble truth when we are engaged in any kind of challenging discussion which would require Discussion-Understanding-Negotiation-Compromise in order to achieve a mutually-satisfactory outcome!

As I have mentioned in previous posts, nobody gets anywhere by following the Order-Comply-or There Will be Blood strategy for successful and emotionally intimate relationships!  VEAPs tend to forget this too easily otherwise they wouldn't have morphed into VEAPs in the first place!  

When we have fallen into the trap of treating ourselves like we are consistently "beneath" or "not as good as" or "not as smart as" the OTHER person (OP) we are talking to/involved with/encountering....why do we wonder when we feel intimidated by what they say or do?  If we are all supposed to be EQUAL to one another, why are we so quick to lie down and roll over when someone says anything which instantly causes us to feel FEARFUL, ANGRY, and/or CONFUSED about what we just witnessed?!  Come on people!  You don't have to start freaking out and crying or screaming or dissociating (shutting down) in an inappropriate manner just because some VEAP surprised you with their unexpected onslaught of verbal and emotional drama!

Here are some great one liners to start practicing (as responses!) when you find yourself in this position of experiencing unexpected and unwanted verbal and emotional abuse by the VEAP in your life and presence:

"Are you attempting to hurt/intimadate/frighten/control/ me right now, or are you just not thinking?"

"I hear you, but I have no idea why you are bringing this subject up right now.  Surely there is another time and place to discuss this rather than right here right now."

"Your anxiety over this issue isn't my problem because it doesn't make me similarly anxious.  Just to clarify."

"I understand you are neurodivergent, but that doesn't make me or anyone else not like you an enemy."

"Last time I checked, you aren't a major or minor deity in my life or book.  Just to remind you."

"Your arrogance and pride are showing.  Just so you are a bit more self aware in this moment after saying what you did just now."

"Please don't involve me in any plans where my money or time or energies are required to help you get whatever it is you want.  No thanks."

"I regret that you feel that way since it is extremely disappointing for me to hear it."

"When you genuinely believe that you can convince me to think and believe like you yourself do, you understand how disrespectful that is to me, correct?"

"When you are clearly more interested in arguing with me than you are in undertanding me, I can see how misrepresenting me is something you are highly invested in."

"It's not my fault that you don't like what I believe, think, or feel.  I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in case you forgot we were all created equal in God's sight."

"If you want to argue, I know a bar down the street that would be happy to have you join.  But my home in this situation is not it...just a reminder."

"I don't know who you are mistaking me for right now by having said that to me, but I am NOT him/her/them."

"When you say things like that to me you are making VERY clear who "you" are, not who I am.  Just so you understand that."

"To assume I am more like you than not, represents a huge error in judgment on your part, just saying."

"If you want something from me, you can just ask me.  Yet please don't expect to trick me into some kind of compliance because you don't know how to be more assertive about asking outright for what you want from me."

"If you are disappointed or upset with me personally, you're much better off just explaining to me why so I can understand...instead of engaging in these mental gymnastics that only serve to confuse the both of us."

"I don't know what you want from me right now, but based on how you are behaving...I'm not interested in giving it to you."

....and that's just for starters, so start practicing when the VEAP in your life goes postal on you!

Until next post!  ;-)

Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Predators (VEAPs)...Who Are They?

Do you ever think about why some people love to pick fights, start drama, and/or use their own words to confuse rather than to understand?  Haven't you ever thought about this before?  You should.  We all should.  In fact, there are MANY of us (way too many if you ask me!) who are as addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos...as we may be similarly addicted to self-harm, shopping too much, or an eating disorder.  No kidding.  Today's blog post is all about this version of "VEAPs" living among us (Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Predators!) and how to appropriately manage them for your OWN peace of mind!  ;-)

The first noble truth about this variety of predator is that ANXIETY pretty much runs their show day in and day out.  If you don't believe me, stop to think about this.  Why would anyone be so fixated on having things go their own way UNLESS they were highly (and I do mean HIGHLY!) anxious about controlling outcomes?  One of the things we know about chronically anxious people is that they require as close to "100% certainty" regarding outcomes that matter to them.  Translated that means they have to have someone or something turn out the way they want it to turn out, even when this means starting an argument with someone just because they can....twisting up reality in order to manipulate and control it in the mind of their "target" person...using their own words and actions to confuse, distract, and deflect any pointed questions they have been asked...and/or saying or doing whatever ELSE it takes to "win" the desired outcome they seek.  

Sometimes what a VEAP wants is just to extend the amount of time allowing them to keep doing what they do...without much (or any!) negative consequences attached!  Like continuing to cheat on their partners...or cheat their employer...or remain unemployed...or stay a drug addict or alcoholic...etc. etc.  This is not rocket science people!  If I want to be an under-responsible person in certain areas of my life, I can certainly figure out how to keep that train a running by manipulating the heck out of those who will give me what I want so I don't have to change!  Doh! 

Even though this may not make any logical sense to the rest of us, verbal and emotional abuse as a lifestyle DOES serve several purposes for the VEAPs and their chosen targets.  As one VEAP said to me just the other day while in session, "Why should I tell my wife that I manipulate the hell out of her to get what I want?  She does it too, but just not to me.  She knows better than that."  Wow.  Thankfully this couple doesn't have any kids, otherwise that type of relational modeling is guaranteed to be carried down and through by their future generation(s) of family.  Ugh!

People who engage in verbal and emotional abuse as a lifestyle may be extremely aware of what they do (like the person I just referenced above)..OR they can be somewhat clueless as to how "offensive" they are.  Why clueless?  Unfortunately for many of us, we really "do" believe at our core that most everyone who is human is like this also...so what's to judge negatively about it? 

This is like saying it's o.k. to crap all over someone's living room floor because you are about to explode and you don't know where the nearest restroom is.  You know, kind of like the homeless who are crapping up the streets of San Francisco and Portland these days.  When you gotta go, just pull those pants down and go!  Who cares where you crap, so long as you feel good afterwards...that's all that matters.

Anybody who feels comfortable utilizing verbal and emotional/psychological abuse on another human being IS the crap---as well as the crapper.  Unfortunately for the receipients of such abuse, we tend to forget that we DO have our own voice---and it is o.k. to use it in a timely manner to set and maintain our own boundaries.

Examples:  (VEAP) "Come on, you complain all the time about us not having fun together.  We can just hop on a plane tonight and go to Vegas for the weekend.  What's the harm in that?"  (Partner) "You have both a drinking and a gambling problem.  Am I supposed to conveniently forget these facts now because you want to reframe them as a "fun" way for us to spend the weekend together?"

Yep, use your voice in a timely manner....or you will learn to lose it.

VEAPs are not dumb.  They are masters and mistresses of schmoozing....cajoling...persuading...and charming their way into having their way.  Often, two VEAPs will get together in a romantic partnership...which, when it implodes or explodes---watch out!  Consider reading up on the "Black Swan" murder case, soon to appear on an upcoming episode of 48 Hrs.  Although VEAPs like to believe "That would never happen to me!", there are thousands upon thousands of people in this country whereby it "did" happen to them.  Things ended beyond badly.  Someone ended up dead.  Someone else ended up in prison.  Hey---when you mix VEAP-dom status with drugs and alcohol, let alone mental illness inappropriately diagnosed and/or treated---what the hell else do you expect?  A ring around the rosey?  Puleeze!

Using your own voice to create and maintain appropriate boundaries with anyone is the key to treating yourself with equality, respect, and pursing only honest exchanges of information...and care.  When someone else violates those foundational keys to effective communication and acquired "into-me-you-see" emotional intimacy...you will be more easily and comfortably able to remove yourself from the drama, crisis, and chaos when he/she/they come banging at your door.  Next time, I will present some of the key skills necessary to reclaim your emotional well-being back before it was highjacked by the VEAP in your own life....

Until next post....