"A" is for Assertive.....

To be assertive.  What does that mean actually?  What it means is to learn how to comfortably identify and then express one's own thoughts and feelings, in a timely manner, and in an appropriate way...100% of the time.  It also means to do this when we are offended by whatever another person has said...or has done...that instantly causes a "check" in our spirit.  That "check" may feel like anger...it may feel like fear...and/or it may feel like confusion.  Whatever the case, that feeling is our signal that "something isn't right here" and requires (see sentence #3 of this post)..."to comfortably identify and then express one's own thoughts and feelings..." etc. etc.

Why is this so difficult to do?  You know we'd rather just keep our mouths shut or have a melt down rather than say what we mean and mean what we say without being mean.  Yes, it truly is easier to just keep our mouths shut or, conversely, flip out when we are offended by something someone else has said or done in our presence.  Well...there's no time like the present to start flexing our assertiveness muscle because guess what?  The alternatives suck.  Without learning how to be appropriately assertive, we will end up being either aggressive....or passive....or passive aggressive as our general communications-based relational style.  And in all cases, those three choices are very damaging to ourselves and others we care about over the passage of time....

It is easy to be passive when we are being consistently told verbally (or nonverbally!) what to do and when. Not for me, mind you...but for a whole lot of us who would rather not rock the boat of our important relationships.  I've had passives (as I will refer to them) say they believe one thing (when they really do not!) because their partner believes in that thing.  Really?  A man will tell his girlfriend, "Oh yeah, I'm a Christian I believe in God.." when he's just blowing smoke up her rear end because he wants to marry her.  A woman tells her boyfriend, "Oh yeah, I like it when you take charge it makes me feel safe.." when she's really starting to feel more afraid than she is safe around the guy.  It's passivity that keeps a person stuck in a dysfunctional relationship that should have ended ages ago;  it's passivity that keeps a person insecure, second guessing themselves, and worried about "what if" scenarios like it is their job.  Listen to me passives....if you want to be a martyr---that is YOUR choice!  It is not his fault or her fault or their fault that you have chosen to throw yourself under the bus...you have taken and drunk that Kool Aid....and that you are living your life in pieces instead of in peace because of what "he/she/they" did "to" you.  You did it to yourself.  You allowed it.  Stop it.  Stop being so passive.  Assert yourself.  Start practicing today in this very moment.  You can do it!

To be assertive is NOT aggression!  Got that?  Read, repeat, read, repeat, read repeat.  How we got that screwed up is anybody's best guess...but I have my suspicions.  For example, I have actually had clients open their mouth to appropriately state a thought or feeling they have (without interrupting the other mind you!)...and that other person instantly cuts in with "STOP YELLING AT ME!" Really?  That's not yelling buddy;  that's someone just attempting to speak their truth to you appropriately and in this moment.  How is that aggressive?  I can tell you it's a big problem when one party is more invested in being right and getting their own way the majority of the time in the relationship...and the other party is expected to just keep their mouths shut and do as they are told/ordered/looked at funny/whatever works to achieve instant COMPLIANCE!  No wonder attempts at being assertive are confused with acts of aggression!  That's gaslighting for you at its best and worst.  You just want to let me know how you honestly think and feel...and I falsely accuse you AND harshly judge you for being "aggressive" because you are telling me something I don't think I want to hear.  Spare me!!  

I've mentioned my aunt and uncle before in previous posts.  They are both deceased now.  They were married for over 50 years and had no children.  Even after my uncle passed and my aunt lived for another 2-1/2 years until her own passing...she STILL kept canonizing the man like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ.  (Which believe me, he was NOT!)  I had to consistently remind her that I knew him too;  she wasn't talking to a new acquaintance or a complete stranger.  But she kept up the gaslighting routines in spite of the truth of their marital history.  Bottom line was that she was extremely passive...under-responsible by nature...and not interested in EVER bucking the system she agreed to buy into via holy matrimony.  Before he died, he managed to fritter their nest egg away on some obscure relatives of his from another country.When she finally "got it" about how he'd rather see their money go to people they really didn't even know versus to her as his faithful wife (and servant)...she was even passive in her reaction.  (Shrug of shoulders) "Oh well, you just don't understand how Serbians are.."  Uh, hate to tell you Teta YES I DO! That's why I married a NON-Serbian I'm just sayin!  ;-)

We can choose to be passive....we can choose to be aggressive...and we can even choose to be passive aggressive.  But why we don't choose being assertive when these other three options are so damaging over time is truly tragic!  That's why I do what I do.  To help people find their voice...find their cahones (my apologies to all Spanish speaking readers if I spelled that wrong!)...and find their assertiveness muscle so they can practice using it.  In a timely an appropriate manner of course.

Until next post...

 

  

Body Chalk Check: How "Victim" Are You?

I've heard it said before that we must watch how often and how comfortably we play the victim in the presence of others.  When it gets bad enough, it's time to start carrying around our own body chalk.  As funny as this joke may sound, it's no joke when we find ourselves as (or in the presence of!) a comfortable victim. Who exactly is a comfortable victim?  As alluded to in this month's issue of Psychology Today magazine, such a person believes he or she is probably the most helpful...or giving...or caring person one knows.   These self-appointed martyrs are just as narcissistic as their sociopathic counterparts;  instead of just taking what they want when they want it---they have to throw in obtaining the approval, acceptance, and favorable feelings from their witness box(es) too.  Comfortable victims are akin to the heroes in life who wouldn't even be heroes unless others were watching---and clapping besides.  Nothing is done that appears "good" or "altruistic" or "benevolent" without an adoring audience attached.  If nobody's around, then there's nobody to impress with one's own halo effect.

The other strain of comfortable victim is the poor me, poor me, pour into me some of your time, energy, efforts, and cash-only-please type of person.  This is your Sad Sack I've had such a rough go, such a terrible time, such a tragic history---you MUST help and support me now kind of individual, family, or group.  I recall a server at a local bar who managed to finagle hundreds of dollars out of one of her "loyal" customers because her car broke down.  Later on, she got another wad of dough from another customer because her rent was overdue.  This server gave new meaning to the term "working for tips".  As I found out later, all that money went to new tattoos, some pretty high quality skunk, and one heck of a night out for everybody. Grant it, this girl was quite the glamour gaslighter.  She could simultaneously recount her tale of woe, engender sufficient empathy, make you feel guilty for her various issues and problems, AND get exactly what she wanted from you all in the same conversation.  Who can accomplish that other than the comfortable victim I ask?

It's easy to develop the comfortable victim mindset when it comes so naturally to us.  We have all been victims of other victims.  We have all been bamboozled;  we have all been exploited and taken advantage of. Yet how justified are we to go on and continue the trend so as to even some imaginary score past or present?  In its way, playing the victim desensitizes us to ourselves and the authentic needs of others who are truly suffering extraordinary burdens.  We become "all about me" while at the same time believing we are all about everybody else.  Yikes what a conundrum!  We become literally too good or too needy to see the truth of who we actually are;  a victim in need of some body chalk stat!

Everybody has their own knapsack of responsibility to carry each day.  When extraordinary burdens come, as they inevitably do, then we are free to ask for or offer help.  When we confuse the issue by ignoring real extraordinary burdens and yet seeking or expecting help for our own daily knapsacks of responsibility...things get messy fast.  We end up feeling angry, lonely, confused, and hurt...and don't have a clue as to why.

Today's post presents the answer behind the "why".  Check yourself before you wreck yourself; just how "victim" are you?

Why We Allow What We Allow...

I wish I could be inside the brains of all the people who have difficulty with asserting themselves in the presence of their loved ones.  I have blogged before about negotiating one own needs' satisfaction in our close personal relationships...but when a person quickly surrenders by giving in to the other person's needs and wants on a routine enough basis, that's not good.  It teaches that other person how being "liked" by them is more important than being respected by them as an equal.  Yes, it's that simple.  With couples, this pattern of negotiating-not-really-negotiating-but-giving-in can create a dynamic that ultimately leads to all kinds of inappropriate acting out. Just think about that for a moment.  If I typically give in to your demands without truly negotiating a "win/win" scenario...then I can easily rationalize why it's okay for me to do a.b.c. or d. behind your back to balance the scales between us.  This is not rocket science.  It happens way too often with way too many couples.

"Jim" is an old boyfriend of "Sue" whom he first met 40 years ago.  Jim and Sue both have been married and divorced in the past.  Currently, Sue has several men that she dates regularly;  however, Jim is her "go to" guy for all things domestic.  Her lawnmower breaks, time to call Jim.  Her curtain rods aren't going up properly;  time to call Jim again.  She goes on vacation, Jim can watch her dogs for her.  What's wrong with this picture?  Believe me, it's not all Sue.  Jim's inability to say "No thanks, that's not something I can do for you." is what's even more wrong with this picture.  Jim doesn't know how to assert himself comfortably and appropriately to much of anybody he knows beyond acquaintance-ship status.  Jim is, in some people's minds,  a complete sucker;  in others, Jim's a saint.  In my book, he's someone who is most motivated by the acceptance, approval, and "like" of others---even when those others are clearly malignantly narcisisstic--- more than he cares to realize.

"Sally" has been married to "Fred" for 12 years.  Sally recognized Fred's need to do things his own way from Day One of their marriage;  that was generally fine with Sally.  However, as the years have passed and since the children were born, Sally has felt more and more uncomfortable with Fred's "take charge" personality.  It has gotten to the point when Sally tries asserting herself to Fred, he either invalidates her feelings ("You didn't mean that!") or alternately minimizes them ("Oh come on, it isn't that bad!").  Although Sally feels she knows how to assert herself to her husband, she finds herself caving in to his demands like it's the job she never realized she took on---until now.  Ultimately, Fred's tactics has left Sally feeling unheard, misunderstood, and extremely frustrated.  And then "Jack" came along....

Why we allow ourselves to surrender, why we allow ourselves to lay down underneath that bus, why we allow ourselves to wander into another's arms....still boils down to being most motivated by our inordinate need for the acceptance, approval, and love of others.  Even when that acceptance, approval, and love creates within us chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, guilt, and shame, we just don't know how to stop the pattern.  Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT teach others how to comfortably respect our own needs and wants' satisfaction when our actions teach others instead to comfortably dismiss them...

Just the other day there was a documentary on cable about two heroin addicts whose childhoods were filled with horrific realities too heinous to mention here.  The young woman was only 18 years old and had been a drug addict since she was 12;  she never learned how to even "notice" her own needs and wants in an appropriate way from the get go.  She witnessed and experienced unbelievable brutality from the time she was old enough to understand it;  it's no surprise she chose the addict lifestyle in order to finally get what she thought she wanted on a moment-by-moment basis.

We don't have to go to that extreme in order to take good enough care of ourselves in the context of our close personal relationships.  We don't have to give until we bleed;  we don't have to take until everyone leaves us.  We must find that space and place within our own hearts where we truly accept and believe ourselves as truly mattering....and mattering enough to finally advocate for ourselves in an appropriate way, every day, and with every body we know, care about, and love.

When we realize why we allowed what we allowed for so long, things can get better for us.  But we have to be the agents of those positive changes...not the other person(s) we have felt exploited by.  We literally have to learn how to be the change we want to see in others.  Remember, we can't change anybody else but ourselves.  So let's get crackin'....

Have a great Labor Day weekend!