There is a new book out entitled "Lying" authored by Sam Harris. I picked it up the other day at my local library. After reading through, I was and remain very impressed with how Harris depicted the impact that lying has on all of us. For example, one of the basic truths he presents is how lying, by its very nature, serves to keep a person's "appearances" and "reality" apart from one another. I was just watching some t.v. program this morning about a lawyer in Breckenridge Colorado who just "disappeared" from his office several years ago. As part of the investigation, police were shocked to find out that this guy who was so beloved in Breckenridge as a swingin' single business professional was actually a runaway husband and father from another state. Appearing as a successful attorney and generous philanthropist in Colorado, this man's "real" financial history and current financial state of affairs at the time of his disappearance was beyond nefarious. Who he claimed to be was in no way related to who he actually was once the truth was uncovered. As it turned out, this man had killed himself by walking into the river behind his office. Lying, as Harris states in his book, takes us down the royal road of chaos. In the Colorado case, his royal road ended in that river.
Another point Harris makes in his book is that lying is to recoil from relationship. That may sound strange, but Harris is spot on. When we lie, we basically communicate to others that we have failed at understanding people AND we are unwilling to be understood by people. Remember many blog posts back when I first stated that authentic emotional intimacy between two people is always based on authentic sharing of information and exchanges of care? How can a person develop true intimacy if, instead of telling and sharing the "truth" about anything and everything, he or she lies instead? Clearly, people who make a bad habit of lying or who are firmly entrenched in a lying lifestyle have serious issues with honest and open communication. What boggles my mind is that over time, these liars among us really do believe their own bad press releases! If you doubt this goes on---I've got a million examples for you. How about the husband who took a second mortgage out against his family home, forged his wife's signature, and then told her the money he obtained was that same year's "salary" from a job he had been terminated from months before? When confronted finally by his wife who had taken months to figure out what was going on, this particular husband basically threw a fit presenting all of HER shortcomings to her in equally short order. Huh? How does that happen? Or the business woman who keeps insisting that she went to school at "U of M" in Ann Arbor and graduated with a business degree in marketing....yet was several credits short from her associate's degree at another local community college. When her boss finally contacted U of M and found she was never a student there, she sued her employer for wrongful termination. Say wha..??? It's bad enough that people lie, but when people lie and then truly believe what they are lying about---we are ALL in trouble!
Honest people are a refuge. When you get to know someone and understand that they truly do say what they mean and mean what they say, it bonds us appropriately rather than traumatically to each other. What I always found oxymoronic about the lying lifestyle is how the liars among us have been shown to have less respect for those they lie to on a regular basis. In other words, instead of pointing the finger at themselves as liars---liars will point the finger at the rest of us (their "targets") and view us as (insert disparaging judgment here) instead. Seriously? Yes, seriously! Besides the study quoted in Harris' book, we have all seen this dynamic lived out in real life. You catch someone in a lie, say something, and now you're the enemy. Go figure.
Probably the saddest case of being lied to on a regular basis that I've seen in recent history was the 30-something woman whose boyfriend of fifteen years finally cut her loose claiming "We fight too much." When pressed, his understanding of "fighting too much" was that she challenged him on all the things he wanted to do and spend money on which did not involve her or anything remotely smacking of their "future" relationship as a committed (and married!) couple. Like the movie says, when "He's Just Not That Into You", it's time to go! Sadly, in this case it took fifteen years before this woman realized that she was more of a tool than she was an equal in this so-called "love" relationship. In this case, his lies were so entangled up with what he thought he needed to have "a good time"--he didn't even notice how he took a hostage along for his ride until he was finished playing with her. How sad is that?
We can break the bad habit of lying by practicing the truth instead. If you never finished school, either stop talking about having graduated...or go back and get your GED or associate's degree or bachelor's degree, etc. An unresolved problem or issue is supposed to motivate us to take proper action to solve or resolve what's before us. Lying is never proper action. Don't forget that.
Until next time....
Another point Harris makes in his book is that lying is to recoil from relationship. That may sound strange, but Harris is spot on. When we lie, we basically communicate to others that we have failed at understanding people AND we are unwilling to be understood by people. Remember many blog posts back when I first stated that authentic emotional intimacy between two people is always based on authentic sharing of information and exchanges of care? How can a person develop true intimacy if, instead of telling and sharing the "truth" about anything and everything, he or she lies instead? Clearly, people who make a bad habit of lying or who are firmly entrenched in a lying lifestyle have serious issues with honest and open communication. What boggles my mind is that over time, these liars among us really do believe their own bad press releases! If you doubt this goes on---I've got a million examples for you. How about the husband who took a second mortgage out against his family home, forged his wife's signature, and then told her the money he obtained was that same year's "salary" from a job he had been terminated from months before? When confronted finally by his wife who had taken months to figure out what was going on, this particular husband basically threw a fit presenting all of HER shortcomings to her in equally short order. Huh? How does that happen? Or the business woman who keeps insisting that she went to school at "U of M" in Ann Arbor and graduated with a business degree in marketing....yet was several credits short from her associate's degree at another local community college. When her boss finally contacted U of M and found she was never a student there, she sued her employer for wrongful termination. Say wha..??? It's bad enough that people lie, but when people lie and then truly believe what they are lying about---we are ALL in trouble!
Honest people are a refuge. When you get to know someone and understand that they truly do say what they mean and mean what they say, it bonds us appropriately rather than traumatically to each other. What I always found oxymoronic about the lying lifestyle is how the liars among us have been shown to have less respect for those they lie to on a regular basis. In other words, instead of pointing the finger at themselves as liars---liars will point the finger at the rest of us (their "targets") and view us as (insert disparaging judgment here) instead. Seriously? Yes, seriously! Besides the study quoted in Harris' book, we have all seen this dynamic lived out in real life. You catch someone in a lie, say something, and now you're the enemy. Go figure.
Probably the saddest case of being lied to on a regular basis that I've seen in recent history was the 30-something woman whose boyfriend of fifteen years finally cut her loose claiming "We fight too much." When pressed, his understanding of "fighting too much" was that she challenged him on all the things he wanted to do and spend money on which did not involve her or anything remotely smacking of their "future" relationship as a committed (and married!) couple. Like the movie says, when "He's Just Not That Into You", it's time to go! Sadly, in this case it took fifteen years before this woman realized that she was more of a tool than she was an equal in this so-called "love" relationship. In this case, his lies were so entangled up with what he thought he needed to have "a good time"--he didn't even notice how he took a hostage along for his ride until he was finished playing with her. How sad is that?
We can break the bad habit of lying by practicing the truth instead. If you never finished school, either stop talking about having graduated...or go back and get your GED or associate's degree or bachelor's degree, etc. An unresolved problem or issue is supposed to motivate us to take proper action to solve or resolve what's before us. Lying is never proper action. Don't forget that.
Until next time....