How To Look After Yourself...

Claire Chamberlain wrote a little gem of a book entitled "Self-Care".  I picked it up at Barnes and Noble the other day for $6.98.  Published last year, Chamberlain's book is full of short, sweet, and simple ways we can practice being present (mindful!) and caring (as she puts it) for our own "mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being".

For those who have little or no idea what "positive self care" means or looks like in actual practice, this is the book for you.  In the meantime, I am going to include here some of the quotes I found especially helpful from Chamberlain's book:

"Self-care means giving yourself permission to pause."

"It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.  It's necessary."

"Love yourself enough to set boundaries.  Your time and energy are precious.  You get to choose how you use it."

"Rest and self-care are important.  You cannot serve from an empty vessel."

"Self-care is never selfish but may feel that way when you live a frenzied life."

"Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."

"Almost everything will work again if you  unplug it for a few minutes, including you."

"When you say "Yes" to others, make sure you are not saying "No" to yourself."

"It's only by saying "No" that you can concentrate on the things that are really important."

"Lighten up on yourself.  No one is perfect.  Gently accept your humanness."

"Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others."

"Belonging is NOT fitting in;  belonging starts with self-acceptance."

"Be nice to yourself.  It's hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time."

"Seasons change.  People grow together and apart.  Life moves on.  You will be o.k.  Embrace it."

"The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore."

"Change your thoughts and you change your world."

"Be thankful for what you have;  you'll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever, have enough."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"We set the standard for how we want to be treated.  Our relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves."

"The present moment is filled with joy and happiness.  If you are attentive, you will see it."

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it."

"Wherever you are, be there totally."

"Surrender to what is.  Let go of what was.  Have faith in what will be."

"Every act of self-care is a powerful declaration:  I am on my side."

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

"Tension is who you think you should be.  Relaxation is who you are."

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths."

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for."

"Take care of your body.  It's the only place you have to live."

"Your diet is a bank account.  Good food choices are good investments."

"Sleep is the best meditation."

"Self-compassion soothes the mind like a loving friend who's willing to listen."

"The more you eat, the less flavor.  The less you eat, the more flavor."

"Rainy days should be spent with a cup of tea and a good book."

"I think in life you should work on yourself until the day you die."

"We are all of us works in progress."



...until next post.

Dysfunction Interrupted: The Power of NEGATIVE Influences!

Negative influences, and influencers, constantly surround us.  We have all had our experience(s) with people, circumstances, and situations that influenced us more negatively than positively.   The problem is that typically, we don't get it when we're in it.  We don't understand why we feel more bad than good as we rush out our front door to make it to work on time.  We have no idea how what we ate, drank, listened to, observed, and otherwise volunteered to participate in---messed with us!

Let's break down a typical day in the life of "Joe" to exemplify what I mean here:

Joe has to wake up each morning around 5:30 because he is responsible for opening a local bistro cafe by 7:00a.m.  Joe is the day shift manager.  Joe is also 28 years old and lives by himself with his cat Grumbles in a local area apartment complex.

Joe begins each day with a vape.  Before he even goes to the bathroom, he reaches for his pen.  Joe's t.v. is still on as Joe can't really fall asleep unless there's "noise" in his bedroom.  Joe likes REELZ best as far as stations are concerned;  right now it's an episode of "Broke and Famous" featuring the life story of Michael Jackson.  Joe's too tired to channel surf now.  He goes into the bathroom to clean himself up and get ready for work.

As he's in the shower, Joe is thinking about that *$@# Derek that probably will come in late this morning making Joe's job harder---or might not even show up at all.  Derek is related to the owner of the bistro café, so there's no way to fire him in spite of Derek's wicked substance abuse patterns.  Joe finds himself getting agitated now and wishes he had a CBD gummy within arm's reach to pop into his mouth right now.  No such luck;  his stash was down to zero days ago.

Joe is shocked when he realizes he doesn't have any clean pants to wear to work.  F!!!  He examines the pair he wore yesterday to check for obvious stains and any nasty smells.  UGH!  One wet washcloth with some shampoo mixed in it later, he's cleaned up his pants as best as he knows how.  Reminder to self:  buy some damn fabric freshener at Rite Aid after work today...

Grumbles is starting to piss Joe off.  The cat is rubbing up against Joe's leg and its hair is sticking to one of the wet spots.  Really dude?!

Now it's already 6:45 and it takes 10 minutes to get to the bistro.  With no time to do anything but run out the door, Joe runs out the door.  F!!!

Turning on the car, the radio starts blaring this stupid song that "she" liked OMG this is happening RIGHT NOW?!  Joe basically punches the audio "off" button and tries to get his bearings.  Joe is hungry, Joe is thirsty, and Joe has to open those doors in 14 minutes at the bistro.  And now, Joe just realizes that Grumbles' food dish and water bowl were both empty when he ran out the door AND his gas tank is basically on empty in this moment.  FML.  F-M-L!!!

So....what did "you" notice reading this short account of Joe's day between wake up and leaving for work?

In a nutshell, it's amazing what we don't notice when we choose not to notice it, isn't it?

"To be present" is a catch-phrase we shrinks use on purpose when working with clients.  When a person can be "present" in their own life and day, as their day unfolds before them, they can and will notice what needs immediate attention, what can wait, and what can be ignored....and then do it!

I had a friend as an 18 year old who was a big time cigarette smoker.  Whenever I spent the night, she woke up in the morning immediately reaching for the ever-nearby cigarette to light up and smoke before she even got up and out of bed.  Huh?!  Since when does cigarette smoking "make" for a good or better day before it even begins?  It isn't like lit cigarettes are the equivalent of taking a mega dose of Vitamin C, correct?  Yet this was her habit.

(Ironically, she never got lung cancer; I, on the other hand, did!)  This year in May, however, I am CF 5 years!  Can I get a woot-woot?  ;-)

What do YOU do every morning, the moment you wake up, without thinking about it too deeply...and/or at all?  Is that thing you do or not do, ingest, drink, or smoke truly good for you?  Why or why not?

I have another friend that wakes up every morning to 90s dance tunes after her alarm goes off.  She has Alexa on her nightstand for this purpose.  She then uses her spot in the bed to start stretching exercises for approximately 5-10 minutes.  Like a cat, as she puts it.  Then, after she's done, she will google on her phone her favorite site for today's daily affirmation/positive thought/scripture verse.  After she reads it, she gets up and goes to the bathroom.  While showering, she will think about what she has read and how that particular thought/affirmation/scripture relates to her own life "now"...or perhaps in the past.

This same friend rarely has any "surprise" issues around her wardrobe or any related malfunction issues because she makes a point to have everything ready and on her couch in the bedroom from the night before.  She is ADHD (predominantly inattentive type), so she learned years ago that to be surprised by what she forgot on any given day can rob her of her inner peace and happiness...when she allows it to!  As such, she is a good-enough keeper of "mini lists" as she calls it.  These lists keep her on short notice when she runs out of something (no matter what it is!)...so she can pick it up en route before or after work!  "Meijer's and Walmart exist for a reason as the best of the one-stop stores", she has often said.

Although these two people have very different patterns associated with the way(s) they each start their day...so do we all.  When I weighed nearly 300 lbs., guess what?  I made sure my refrigerator AND cupboards had in them enough a variety of my favorite "morning" junk, "lunch" junk, "dinner" junk, and of course "snack" junk.  How could it not?  Kind of like the time a former roommate and I went to care for a dog when her coworkers were out of town for the weekend.  Weighing in at a combined 600 lbs. at the very least, walking into this couple's house was like being in a straight up party store.  I never saw so much soda pop in cases (on the floor in their utility room), candy, chips, cookies, and other high processed junk food in one spot other than 7-11!

Funny how what we want for our own "pleasure", we make sure to have plenty of it around for our own on-demand usage.  Yet what's truly good for us versus truly pleasurable to us can represent a gap as wide as the Pacific Ocean just sayin'!

What is truly good for us long term versus what FEELS truly good to us temporarily...now there is a challenge for all of us to think about!

Here is a list of some "negative" influences discovered as part of work done in my own office with clients:

The national and local news...

Not realizing how so much t.v. prime-time programming makes doing and being 'wrong' the new normal...

Just walk into a store today and listen to the lyrics, I mean really listen to the lyrics, of the current songs being played.  Especially if you are in what would be considered a "hip" store for kids or young adults.  No wonder each generation gets more and more screwed up about what's "the right way to be" in their social relationships.  Very few lessons, but lots of glorification of self, sex, substance abuse, and violence.  Wow.

Being attracted to people who are like the people who hurt me the worst from my past;  as if I am going to 'fix' the new people because I couldn't fix the old ones...

Being stuck in sh**ty relationships now because I don't believe I am good enough for a higher quality relationship.  Like I'm doomed to fail but then again, I AM when I keep picking these type of relationships over and over again...

Hurting myself as in physically hurting myself through whatever I do so I can gain access to those opioids...  It's all about the opioids when I can get them...

Re-enacting old situations I've been in a thousand times before with the hope that "this time" that other person will change the way I want them to....

Waking up...and then deciding this will be a "do nothing" day...and then doing nothing.  And then I wonder why I can't keep a job for more than a year regardless if I am there---or not there.

Believing more of the lies I've heard about myself over the years...and living my life as if all those lies are absolutely true about me "now".  Even though I'm like 20 years older now and not a kid anymore!

Believing that if I want something, anything...I'm being a selfish *$)@!  Since when is wanting to take care of myself being selfish?  Since when is telling my mother or brother or sister "No!" being a total b$*)@?  It's not!  I get to take care of myself!  I get to be "me"!  I am not here on earth just to make sure these people are always o.k. before I am o.k. myself!

Listening to podcasts that are really more depressing, angry, and anxiety-provoking than they are any "good" to me or for me.  I had to stop that...

I had to stop spending money I didn't have on stupid sh** I didn't need.  I turned that around big time by selling online all the junk I've acquired over the last 10 years...much of it with the tags still on them!  UGH!

I had to stop being so easily angered AS IF everyone is supposed to know, in advance, what pisses me off instantly.  I am not the Grand Poobah Emperor or Empress of the Universe.  Why did I keep thinking, feeling, AND behaving like one?

I had to stop being so under-responsible in general.  I am not a 15 year old kid anymore.  I can't keep rebelling like this against "all" authority as I perceive it.  I am about to be married;  what kind of partner am I going to be if I just keep doing whatever I want...and not care how it negatively affects other people?

I have to stop picking people as best friends or lovers who will do whatever I want.  I know how to pick those easy marks.  These are the same people who have said later on how much I ruined their lives and broke their hearts.  And I did.  I know I did.  I can't do that anymore....

I have to believe in me for once.  I have to trust my own judgment.  I have to treat myself as if I am truly my own best friend.  I would never do to any of my real life best friends what I have done to me...

Until next post....

Happy New Year...When You Make It So! (Part II)

The first two of the Top Five Dysfunctions we struggle with as human beings has to do with the codependent trap lifestyle, and living in denial about our true character.  This post, I present the remaining three of the TFDs for your review and consideration...

3.  Ignoring Your Own "Life Lessons"!

Our lives and our life's experiences are a series of blessings...and a series of lessons.  Period.  If we are unwilling, unable, or uninterested in recognizing the lessons from our past, we are somewhat doomed to repeat the same mistakes made back then which led and lead now to the same lessons still waiting to be recognized now in the present.  Remember that nothing is new under the sun.  It all happened before, regardless of it was during the 1st century or the 21st century.  People are capable of great good AND great evil.  Until we learn our own lessons, we won't.  We will merely stop, rewind, and repeat all the dysfunction we learned from back then in our own lives now...and in the future.  Interrupt these dysfunctional patterns in your own life for once..and for good.
Learn your lessons....

4.  Practice Healthier Coping!  (Postive Self-Care)

We treat ourselves badly when we choose unhealthy and dysfunctional coping in our attempts to feel better quickly or "appear" better to the outside world.  Whatever it is we are doing to cope that is dysfunctional, it WILL catch up to us sooner or later.  We can't keep running away from discussing difficult subject matter and believe "It'll be fine!" sooner or later just because time passes by.  Avoiding conflict of any kind is, in fact, its own coping pattern...and not a very healthy one at that.  Whatever we do in this way prevents us from experiencing true intimacy with other people.  Foundational here is our own lack of trust in others.  We don't trust people, so we don't share deeply with people.  It's a sad way to live.  Besides avoiding conflict, we may choose lying, manipulation, isolation, creating drama, being a control freak, being overly compliant...all SORTS of "relational styles" that are unhealthy and dysfunctional so as to "cope" when our own going gets rough.  Not good.

In my practice, this is a HUGE issue for the vast majority of my clients.  We are all just used to...what we are used to.  Making positive changes when it comes to our own self-care on a daily basis often APPEARS to be too tall an order to fill.  Yet it isn't once we change direction and take that first step in a righter direction. I promise.  Seek out help for this if you struggle.  How do you think people end up dead prematurely anyway?  All that drinking, vaping, smoking, over-eating or under-eating, being "upset" so much of the time, avoiding doctors like the plague (or the dentist for that matter!)...this sh** catches up to us!  Stop the madness puleeze!  Start taking better care of yourself;  you are worth it even if you don't believe you are in this moment!

5.  Get Your Spiritual Life and Reality in Order!

This should actually be first on my list, and not last.  But in this case, I truly saved the best for last.  If you don't know that you are as much "spirit" as you are mind and body...it's no wonder why you struggle as much as you have been.  We are, all of us, Mind, Body, and Spirit.  Or as I have heard others put it, "Body", "Ego", and "Spirit".  One of the great truths in this regard is that whatever we do and focus on to FEEL good...that's for the point of serving our own bodies.  Whatever we do and focus on to LOOK good...that's for the point of serving our own egos.  And whatever we do and focus on to DO good (what's "right")….that's for the point of serving our own spirit (whether that is for it's own sake...or in service to God as we perceive God).

I get it.  We live in an age where people are afraid to mention the "g" word because everyone has his or her beliefs, attitudes, and opinions about God and whether or not God exists.  Yeah...and???  Figure it out....and then live it out instead of being consistently "confused" about it---or blowing it off altogether.

Ultimately we all need to understand where our own true hope, peace, and joy comes from in general...and when we are living in the midst of adversity.  If you truly believe you can obtain genuine peace from believing that this earthly existence is a figment of our collective imagination as humans...then there you go!  An important aspect of your own spiritual world view has just been identified for yourself.  Once you identify who you believe you are on a spiritual level, practicing your spirituality is what puts hands and feet on your beliefs.  If you have no idea how to begin this aspect of your healing journey, that's what books, seminars, podcasts, and television shows are for.  Explore your options.  By the way, being "religious" is NOT the same as being spiritual.  Just saying.  Anybody can religiously "do" something and it doesn't mean squat if their spirit is basically asleep and/or thoroughly corrupted by malevolent influences.  Please don't confuse "Oh geez now I have to attend church?!" with getting your spiritual life and reality in order.  In this example, "church" is not a place where the magic happens and zappo suddenly you are a "good" Christian by having attended.  Hardly.  Your spiritual world view and beliefs are reflected in how you lead your day-to-day life and the choices you make.  Remember "do right" as a focus here...to feed your spirit/your spirit in service to the God you believe in....

Happy 2020...may you find healing, positive change, and personal growth in this year ahead!

...until next post!

Happy New Year...When You Make It So!

We are all the sole authors of our own "Book of My Life".  Today represents the first entry in your own 2020 edition.  Make it a good enough one.  You have that power through your own power of choice.  Nobody is a prisoner of their past or present problems.  Nothing that has happened to you represents a life sentence.  Our past and present experiences represent a series of either blessings...or lessons.  Have you been grateful for the blessings?  Have you learned the lessons?  Let's hope so.  Without recognizing them, we are pretty much doomed to view our life and what we experience as more hopeless than hopeful JUST SAYIN'!   Living in a perpetual state of "life sentence" status means that we have given up our power to make positive changes in spite of what we have been through historically...or are going through right now.

This week after Christmas has been a sh** show at work.  No kidding.  People are hurting and want to feel better.  I am grateful they come to see me instead of drinking or smoking or engaging in other harmful behaviors that only add fuel to their pre-existing internal fire.  Grant it, I'm no magician....but I am a truth seeker and speaker.  As my gift to you in 2020, I'm going to provide here the "list" of the Top Five Dysfunctions that keep people from moving past their past...and improving the quality of their own lives.  You're welcome.

1.  Living in the Codependent Trap Lifestyle

Global culture is codependent by nature.  Everybody is so busy either doing for everybody else or taking from everybody else...that we have forgotten how to properly and consistently care for ourselves with proper limits attached!  We are ALL givers and takers by nature.  This is what codependency boils down to.  We give...and we take...and we take..and we give without thinking twice about our "true" motives for our giving---and for our taking.  But we also struggle with chronic feelings of hurt, anger, guilt, loneliness, and shame.  Why?  Because when we "give" and expect acceptance, approval, and "love" back---and we don't get it---we get pissed off!  And when we "take" and expect to feel powerful, pleasure, and avoid personal responsibility back---and don't get that---we get pissed again!  Hello! These are the motives why codependent givers give as they do...and why codependent takers take as they do.  And we are BOTH givers and takers depending on the day, the week, our mood, and "who" we are with to give to and/or take from.  Period.

We are not objects as people.  We are equals.  We don't "do" our relationships well if we see ourselves and other people are mere objects to use...or be used by.  This "eat" or "be eaten" mentality is why there are so many of us hating our lives and hating other people because we don't know what the alternative healthier lifestyle is.  It's called "Interdependence" by the way!  If all relationships are merely about who gave more---or less---or who took more---or less from others, no wonder there are so many miserable people in the world!  And please DO NOT confuse this with "giving" in the spiritual context of the word.  Spiritually speaking, we are to give when we give WITHOUT expectations attached.  Did you miss that memo?  Expecting approval, acceptance, and love as a result of your giving is NOT the right motive for giving!  No wonder there are so many resentful and bitter parents, grandparents, adult children, and kids on this planet!  The codependent mind sent has taught us that "giving" is supposed to reap certain rewards that we want and expect!  Stop expecting so much and start treating yourself and others as equals with mutual respect and HONEST communication as your focus.  Without it, you are doomed!  No kidding!  For the codependent taker within each of us, if you can do it yourself, why the "f" would you insist on making someone else "do" it for you?  Oh yeah, that's right---so you can feel powerful, feel pleasure, and avoiding doing what you should have done yourself in the first place!  DOH!  Stop it and grow up how about that?  And as a cap to this topic of the codependent lifestyle trap, think about this.  Codependent givers teach codependent takers fundamental incompetence!  "You can't live without me and here's why..."  Meanwhile, codependent takers teach codependent givers "I can't live without you and here's why..."  Jesus Mary and Joseph STOP!  No wonder we are all so flippin' cuckoo!  How about letting the real "g" word be the boss of you in your life (meaning God as you perceive Him!) as opposed to flip flopping between you are God one day...and someone else you choose is your God the next day.  It's madness!  Stop with the madness will ya?

2.  Living in Denial

Nobody is spared this dysfunctional pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving.  We are all in denial about something....many times about our own character defects.  One of the "big three" character defects we are in most denial about has to do with the extent to which a person truly lacks empathy and compassion.  It is extremely and I do mean EXTREMELY difficult for us to believe that someone we love and/or care about "just doesn't care" about other people.  Yeah, well...that would be called lacking empathy and compassion.  And if the person here also engages in behaviors that harm others in order to get what they want from others...now we are speaking about authentically "evil" behavior.  Well...what am I saying.  We can be in denial about the existence of evil behavior as well!  Why not? Easier to pretend it doesn't exist than to have to face it for many of us!  Relating to what I just wrote about with the codependent trap lifestyle, these are the "toxic" codependent takers among us who lack true empathy and compassion.  Think about THAT!  They are so invested in feeling powerful, in feeling pleasure, and in avoiding personal responsibility (blaming everyone else but themselves for what's "happened" to them)---that they really do NOT give two craps about you or what you think, feel, or need pretty much ever.  Truth!

I just saw some random woman on Dr. Phil last night who was saying "I am a good mother.." as Dr. Phil presented all the evidence of her "mothering" successes as same related to her five children.  The only thing that was missing from Dr. Phil's list was literal murder being committed by one of those five kids.  Clearly, even when the facts are presented to show what is true, it is still very easy to deny that evidence...and believe what we choose to believe about ourselves---or someone else.

As one of the foundational pillars of dysfunctional thinking, feeling, and behaving...when we lack empathy and compassion, we can truly function as a one man or one woman holocaust in our own lives and in the lives of our so-called loved ones.  Get help if this is your own issue and/or you are intimately involved with this type of person.

Next post, the remaining three Top Five Dysfunctions that prevent us from improving the quality of our own lives in 2020...