Hope for the Hopeless at Holiday Time....

One of the reasons why so many of us dread the holiday season is because we hate having to "play the game" of everything's just fine and peachy within our family system---when we know it's not.  Yeah well, welcome to the real world.   Nobody's family is perfect enough...and neither are we.  We have all fallen and fall short of any sort of "ideal";  perhaps this is the year you can extend some much-needed grace to yourself and practice kindness from the inside out!

And what does THAT mean?

When I first got into therapy in my early 30's...all I knew was that I was fast to heat up---and slow to cool down.  I rarely started drama, but I sure knew how to finish it.  I find that somewhat hilarious to think about now, because where did most of my perceived "drama" originate?  Inside my own head of course!  As such, if you rolled your eyes at me back then, "you" started the drama with me in that moment!  Perhaps  you were merely checking to see if there was a brain up inside there...how did I know?  (LOL!)  In other words, if you looked at me funny...if you ignored me when I expected you not to...if you said something and I took it personally...the DRAMA WAS ON!

Do you do this?  Are you that person who is constantly checking to see if you are being "disrespected" in some way or another?  Hey...don't balk.  I was ready to cross the street in NYC this past weekend, and some random young guy nearly knocked me down running in front of me at the light.  Being in New York, the "old" me came out instantly when I screamed at him "Hey (()$&)*#)@!  )$*))@_ YOU!"  He raised his hands at me and yelled "Sorry lady!"  Okay then.  Still fast to heat up, but at least the "drama" that was started in that moment was legit and NOT just coming from inside my own head!  :-P

We don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves as a general rule.  We do really look for ways or excuses to harshly judge or falsely accuse someone else if we (many times unconsciously!) develop an "attitude" towards them.  Sisters, parents, cousins, grandpa---whatever member(s) of our family are always excellent targets in this regard.  You know the saying, "No wonder your family knows which buttons to push...you put them there!"  So true.  We did put them there.  We wait without even realizing we are waiting to jump down the throats of those in our family who say or don't say...do or don't do..the "right" thing we expected and wanted in any given moment.  Spare me.  Who's judging and accusing who at these times really?  When people can't even blink their eyeball without it instantly being interpreted as "disrespect"...it's time to get your own rear end into a therapist's office and stat!

This "habit" I am speaking of here in today's post is so very common...yet few are willing to discuss it openly.  And the key to turning that behavioral pattern around IS to practice more kindness and gentleness towards yourself on a daily basis!  I mean if you are doing things to yourself that are more harmful than helpful---how do you expect to think, feel, or be gracious towards anybody else?  You just can't and won't be able to do it!

And oh, by the way, drinking yourself stupid or screwing around doing anything else but your real life work for today---these are not "helpful" strategies to demonstrate positive self-care.  Just sayin'.

If you need help and/or clarity on this issue, go to the library and peruse the books that jump out at you on this topic.  Consider a self-help group in your community (anything to do with codependency is a great place to start!).  Ask friends for the names and numbers of good enough local psychotherapists.  Do something.  Repeating what you are doing now will get you nowhere new...nor will it help you to live in peace, rather than in pieces.

Hope begins with doing the right thing for you...that is truly right...for you!

Until next post...

Crappy Communicators 101

People who struggle with effective communication are, let's face it, crappy communicators.  Without referencing all the "expert" labels and classifications, I'd like to describe for you in today's post what crappy communicators looks like these days....

1.  Can't Talk Now...Would Rather Text!

I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did.  There are a whole army of individuals who, rather than interacting face to face, do the majority of their communication via text.  I view this practice as the Morse Code Method of communication.  Instead of sharing complete thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, and opinions with one another...we send and receive a bunch of "dot dot...dash...dot dash...dash dot" abbreviated versions of them.  How this is supposed to create and maintain any sort of mutual and deep-enough understanding at a soul level is beyond me.  Instead, texting as a major means of communication is most like operating a ham radio or walkie talkie...without the voices attached.  "No.."  "Duh.."  "Pfft"  "Dunno"  "Idk"  What?!  Listen, if there are individuals you'd rather not talk to at all...just start texting them instead of talking to them and you WILL eventually fade to black in one another's lives.  Texting over talking is like dressing up to go somewhere, but never leaving your house...

2.  Can't Listen Now...Would Rather Brag!

This one personally drives me batty.  Don't you love meeting up with someone for breakfast or lunch..and as soon as they see you, they start bragging at you?  If it is that difficult to come up with original thoughts to initiate a conversation, how about waiting until the other person you are with initiates conversation with you?  I mean I know you must be completely smitten by the fact that your grandson can spell his cat's name now that he's in Kindergarten---but can you wait at least a few minutes before you upchuck this factoid from your extended family's life?  Bragging is an obvious sign of personal insecurity, whether you believe that or not, it is.  I was just speaking to someone the other day who is closely connected to a former lottery winner.  This person mentioned the fact that if the "winner" had kept his mouth shut about his winnings, perhaps he wouldn't have lost everything he won within a few years' time.  Yep, it can be like that.  We brag until we brag ourselves right into the pit;  however, we don't realize it until the mud starts stinging our eyeballs.  Eeek!

3.  Can't Emote Now...Would Rather Change the Subject!

These are the people who want to keep everything light enough, superficial enough, positive enough, and/or self-focused enough so they maintain their OWN level of equilibrium.  I had an aunt and uncle like this as I was growing up.  Their mutual motto was this:  "Don't call us...we'll call you."...and of course they never called.  Yes, people can be like this.  I learned over the course of my life that if I was going to spend any time with them, I had to focus on what they wanted to talk about...I had to focus on how deep they were willing to go (or not!) on any topic of their choosing...and I had to keep my mouth shut about "me" or all bets were off and our visiting time was o-v-e-r.  There are of course variations on this same theme, but the bigger point remains the same.  These folks do not want to feel or become in any way v-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e at an emotional and/or spiritual level...so don't be rockin' their boat(s) by talking about anything they would rather not talk about---ever!  :-P

4.  Can't Emotionally Regulate....Would Rather Argue!

This is the polar opposite reality than that mentioned in point #3 above.  These people could start an argument over the beverage you select at dinner.  "Why are you drinking water?!  Are you on some stupid "cleanse"  now?"  No, I am not kidding!  People who have difficulty regulating their own emotions are the proverbial loose cannons among us.  Anything can set them off, but nobody knows what that is or when it is going to happen.  As such, who wants to be around this sort of person, let alone engage in any meaningful enough communications with him or her?  That would be no one, unless of course we are talking about another prosecuting attorney wanna-be!  This type of communicator only knows how to bully, to steamroll, to judge, and to inflame.  This isn't the stuff of meaningful and "deep" conversation;  it is the stuff of abuse and the abusers who transmit it onto others.

5.  Can't Think Now...Would Rather Be Somewhere Else!

This is the one terrible reality for those of us who fear a great deal, find people and relationships in general as "too much work", and would rather be alone...or high...or drunk...or doing something else (anything else!) that feels "better" to us.  Not a good plan for living generally speaking.  Back in the day, the Temptations performed a song entitled "Ball of Confusion";  that's what this type of communication-related issue feels like:  one big giant ball of confusion all day and every day.  Chronic anxiety can definitely play a major role in this type of reality;  when we are feeling overwhelmed, confused, nervous, tense, easily rattled...how are we going to effectively communicate with anybody about anything?  It will just be too $*)@ hard!  So...for those who struggle with this particular issue, guess what?  Help from a trained professional (psychotherapist) is just a phone call away!

Crappy communications and the communicators behind them are everywhere.  Without recognizing what we have made habitual in our own communication style, we remain ignorant to ourselves.  If you have already felt the pinch of feeling disconnected from others, perhaps this is something you need to look at more closely.  How do you roll when it comes to your own communication-based preferences?  What do you need to work on changing and/or improving upon?  When do you need to do something about this instead of nothing at all?

Until next post...