What's Your Intimacy IQ?

How well do you love and understand your partner?  As I have blogged about before, authentic intimacy between two people isn't just about sex (physical intimacy).  Physical intimacy is just one of the three forms of authentic intimacy that can occur between partners in a committed relationship.  These other two forms of intimacy are (1) emotional intimacy and (2) spiritual intimacy.  Emotional and spiritual intimacy are like the cake;  physical intimacy is like the icing on the cake.  Unfortunately, too many couples have made physical intimacy the cake...and haven't even concerned themselves that much with truly understanding each other emotionally and spiritually speaking...let alone on an ongoing basis.

Into-me-you-see is one way we psychotherapists paraphrase the meaning of authentic intimacy.  Into me, you see who I am---and I see who you are.  Truly and deeply.  Each and every day.  Not just on weekends or family holidays.  Not just on vacation.  Not just during the honeymoon.  And we wonder why the divorce rate in this country is nearing 60% for first-time marriages!

When we stop being willing to understand our partner...and when we are no longer willing to be understood by our partner---we have recoiled from the relationship.  There can be no true and authentic intimacy between us.  Many couples try to fake their way through this disturbing reality, but generally to no good long-term outcome.  Couples end up leading and living parallel lives where "You do your thing;  I do mine!". This perfect storm lifestyle creates not just angry feelings, but resentment and bitterness which hurts everyone connected to the couple (not to mention any children and grandchildren!).  Then when the pattern repeats itself in the successive generation(s)...why is everyone so surprised?  We shouldn't be.  We do what we know...and we do what we have learned.  Achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy takes work;  it isn't just something that "happens" magically or mysteriously...for anyone.

What's your intimacy IQ?  Why not take this weekend to get together with your partner/spouse and test yourselves on this front.  Get a piece of paper and a pen.  Together, just randomly decide on 15 numbers between 1 and 50.  Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper.  Then use this list of 50 questions which have been numbered.  Match the numbers you chose with the corresponding questions.  Next, each of you take turns asking your partner their questions, alternating turns.  If your partner answers correctly (because you are the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question....and you yourself receive one point.  If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receives any points.  The same rules apply when you answer.  The winner is the person with the highest score after you've both answered your 15 questions.  By virtue of the questions, you are getting the gist of what it means to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with your partner.  If you look at these questions and don't even know the answer to some or most of them (regarding yourself), then now would be a good time to start figuring out who you authentically are as a person.  In this case, when we don't know who we really are, we will be whomever we think other people need us to be in any given moment.  And that's not a good plan I'm just sayin'!

As you can see, achieving and maintaining true emotional and spiritual intimacy is a living and breathing part of your relationship...for as long as your relationship lasts.

1.  What do I believe to be absolutely true about humanity and why we exist here on earth? (4)
2.  What do I believe is my primary purpose in life? (4)
3.  Why did I fall in love with you? (4)
4.  What would I do if I saw someone screaming "Help!" out the window of a burning building? (4)
5.  What do I believe will happen to me when I die? (4)
6.  What do I believe will happen to you when you die? (4)
7.  What is my life's greatest joy so far? (4)
8.  What is my life's greatest regret so far?  (4)
9.  Who do I most miss from my life who is now deceased? (4)
10.  If I could have a one-on-one conversation with anybody from history for an hour, who would it be? (4)
11.  How do I define what real love is and means? (4)
12.  What is my greatest personal strength? (4)
13.  What behavior do I engage in repeatedly that is most annoying to you personally speaking? (4)
14.  What current problem do we have as a couple that we haven't yet been able to resolve successfully? (4)
15.  What have we, as a couple, accomplished together that we are most proud of? (4)
16.  What do I believe to be true about the power of prayer? (4)
17.  What do I believe to be true about the power of meditation? (4)
18.  What is the worst thing that's ever happened to me? (4)
19.  What is the best thing that's ever happened to me?  (4)
20.  If I could change anything about me instantly, what would that thing be? (4)
21.  Who is my best friend and why? (4)
22.  What is the biggest lesson I learned as a result of having the parent(s) I had growing up? (4)
23.  What do I believe to be absolutely true about the power of forgiveness? (4)
24.  What secret habit do I have that I don't yet realize isn't really a secret at all? (4)
25.  What have I done most recently to actively show my love for you as my partner? (4)
26.  What are some of the highlights from my life thus far? (4)
27.  Where would I love to go on our next vacation...and why? (4)
28.  How easy or how difficult is it for you to understand me...and why? (4)
29.  When was the last time we had a lot of fun together? (4)
30.  What is it about me that people claim to appreciate the most? (4)
31.  When was the last time I gave to someone else without any strings or expectations attached? (4)
32.  How over-responsible am I..and in what areas of my life?  (4)
33.  How under-responsible am I...and in what areas of my life?  (4)
34.  How much "quality time" do we need to spend with each other every week to feel connected? (4)
35.  How much "quality time" to we need to spend with each other each day to feel connected? (4)
36.  Who do I most remind you of from the people we have known or now know...and why? (4)
37.  Which one of us does better in a crisis situation and why? (4)
38.  What is my greatest fear? (4)
38.  In what circumstance have I demonstrated the most courage? (4)
39.  Who do I want a better relationship with and why? (4)
40.  Who has left my life and has caused me tremendous pain as a result of their departure? (4)
41.  Who is a part of my life and brings me great joy? (4)
42.  What personal goal do I have yet to achieve? (4)
43.  Am I a student of life?  Why or why not?  (4)
44.  Who do I need to apologize to today and why?  (4)
45.  Where does my authentic hope for the future come from?  (4)
46.  How well do I pay attention to the present moment(s) of my life?  (4)
47.  What medical issue (if any!) have I perhaps faced...but have not yet changed? (4)
48.  How do I define a "good relationship"?  (4)
49.  What makes me special in your eyes? (4)
50.  If this was our last day on earth together, how would we spend today? (4)

Psychotherapy is always an option for couples who recognize and seek help in re-creating the emotional and spiritual bonds between them.  The website www.psychologytoday.com allows anyone to enter their own zip code to find a therapist in their immediate area.  Each therapist profile includes a photo and detailed information regarding his or her practice.

   

How Mature Are You? (Part II)

Last post, I presented the first 10 of 25 signs which identify emotional maturity.  Here are 11-25:

11.  Doing good deeds even when there is nothing in it for you.

To give without expectation...to give without strings...this isn't as easy as it looks.  Even for people who are consummate "givers"---their collective motive is to obtain your (1) approval, (2) acceptance,and (3) love. Yes, even the greatest givers in your family---among your friends, neighbors, or co-workers all have this as their primary agenda.  What's the harm in it?  The harm is that giving doesn't count when we expect something in return, even when that "return" we expect is to be "favored" as a result of our giving.  And what happens to givers who don't get what they expect from the people they give to?  They get angry, they get resentful, and they get bitter over time.  Learn to give freely and without expectation..then you'll be practicing emotional maturity with a capital "EM"!

12.  Respecting another's point of view, beliefs, and way of life without judgment.  Not insisting you are right, belittling another, or using profanity or violence to get your point across.

To be more invested in being "right"..that's arrogance.  To be more invested in what's "right"...that's humility. Period.  At the end of the day we are all just trying to walk each other home.  We don't have to be clanging gongs or blaring horns in order to comfortably express our opinions, attitudes, or beliefs to another person. When we feel ourselves getting defensive or all worked up over something someone else says...all we have to do is practice the following:  "That's an interesting point you make.  I don't happen to share it...but I appreciate your perspective."

13.  Sharing your good fortune with others.

Emotional maturity means never having to say your sorry for how you have been blessed.  That's the first thing.  It's o.k. to speak out loud about how God has been working in your life and in the lives of others around you.  Sharing may also take the form of literally helping those who are unable to help themselves as you are led to do so.  Sometimes that sharing takes the form of a listening ear....or time spent just "being" together.  Not all sharing has to be material in nature.  Sharing cheerfully and without expectations attached is always a blessing that runs in both directions...

14.  Being able to turn the other cheek without wishing harm on another.

Okay.  I didn't say some of these signs of emotional maturity were going to be easy.  This is a hard one. Especially when some idiot tailgates you as you are yourself going five miles over the posted speed limit on a two lane road.  Some people are just "impaired" (for lack of a better way of putting it).  They don't get reality all that well.  They are difficult...they are abrasive...they are ignorant...and they are self-righteous oh what a combo! Instead of calling them every name but a human being, just try breathing more deeply as a start. Remember Stop!  Relax!  Think!  Act! ?  This would be a great time to put that into practice.

15.  Thinking before acting and having good manners, not going off half-cocked, lashing out, or being rude.

Yep, it's true.  When we can truly learn to think before we act (or speak)...we'll be more emotionally mature for it.  It is easy to act stupid, inappropriate, or abusively.  It just is.  Perhaps imagining that a small child is holding our hand as we are tempted to flip out at somebody else may help (?)  Just like the new Trump commercials with all the children watching t.v. as he addresses our nation.

16.  Encouraging and being supportive of others.

The only potential good we can accomplish in another's life is to encourage, inspire, and/or possibly motivate him/her/them as a general rule.  Nobody can "make" another person conform to their will.  When we practice being encouraging and supportive....we must not forget to graciously include the truth as part of that mix. The truth without encouragement is like a bullhorn...encouragement without the truth is like a license to keep on acting as goofy as you wanna be without limits attached.

17.  Finding joy in the success of someone else, not envy or criticism.

To accept another's success with humility and grace is a gift to the both of you.  Practice it.  You'll be pleasantly surprised at the joy that bounces back at you for doing so.

18.  Knowing there is always room to grow and improve...and reaching out for help.

Nobody is the be-all-end-all "I'm done working on me!" person in this life or universe.  We are ALL of us works in progress until the day we die.  Anyone who thinks or would tell you otherwise is, in a word, arrogant.  (And also delusional if you need a second word to add to that!)

19.  Having humility and laughing at yourself.

Humility reminds us that we are not alone because we ALL make mistakes.  Nobody is perfect.  Trying to be perfect is the perfect way to screw up our lives and our relationships over the long haul.  We must do our excellent best each and every day...but with a servant's heart attached to our efforts.

20.  Recognizing that which does not work in our life and making an effort to do something different.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.  Drugs and alcohol don't work.  Stealing, lying, cheating...just to name a few.  They don't work either.  Whatever it is you do that is preventing you from having a life where you can support yourself financially, take care of yourself on a daily basis, sleep peacefully at night, take care of that which you are responsible for (pets, kids, your home, your car, etc.)...time to dump the junk so to speak.  Nobody can straddle the fence of an outwardly appearing "normal" life and that of a (insert alternate lifestyle choice(s) here).  Emotional maturity is "pick one" (the right choice(s)!) and stick with it/them.

21.  Passing up instant gratification in favor of long term benefits.

Good luck in this culture with this sign, but it's still so very true.  We live in an instant world.  Food instantly, and not just food---whatever food you desire from thought to mouth within minutes!  Thank you fast food chains for the extra 10-50 lbs. we all wear just because you exist to the extent you do in Western society!  I thought I heard it all when McDonald's first opened up in Russia so many years ago;  then I realized what a schmuck I was perpetuating the madness this very day because I was starving and wanted to eat RIGHT NOW!  UGH! (Though I did get the fish sandwich I'm just sayin'!)

22.  Accepting, liking, and loving yourself:  not needing someone else to "complete" you.

The day codependency is eradicated from humanity as a lifestyle choice, this goal will be accomplished.  In the meantime, we are stuck struggling with this because it is SO easy to just give ourselves over to that someone else we "pick" as our so-called soulmate.  Sometimes we pick a good enough partner;  that's more rare than not in a society where our current divorce rate for first time marriages hovers around 60%. Without the ability to authentically love and accept ourselves, we are doomed to believe the lie that it's someone else's job to make us feel and be "okay".

23.  Standing up for fairness and justice for yourself and others and choosing to do the right thing.

Choosing to do the wrong thing is often the easier thing to do.  It just is.  We need to challenge ourselves by doing what is right...even when it is highly uncomfortable.  I had to tell a mother yelling at her kid today in TJ Maxx to please stop and think about where she was.  Just saying that to her shut her up momentarily;  me being me though had to add the following:  "You know your little girl is going to grow up one day and if she remembers experiences like this more than anything else, she won't be picking you a decent nursing home!" Yes, I do roll that way I can't help it.  ;-)

24.  Making sacrifices for the good of others without resentment.

Loving sacrifice without anger, resentment, or bitterness attached is a beautiful thing.  Because it means you could give without being traumatically bonded to it by virtue of your own selfish expectations that weren't met.

25.  Not clinging to materialistic items or bragging.

I ran into someone today while I was out.  I do love this person.  I truly do.  But this person has a habit of pretty much dumping how great his life is each and every time we see one another.  "I just got back from.."  "I just saw..."  "I am doing this next month.."  Alright already.  Again, I'm glad he has #13 above down pat with the sharing thing....but there's a fine line between sharing and bragging.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself is my adage.  It's easy to get too all-consumed by our "stuff" when our stuff feels good, looks good, or IS actually good in the eyes of the world.  Remember, there is no U-Haul attached to any hearse in this life.  Whatever we got or get or have...it's all going to go away anyway one day.

Now that's emotional maturity for you!

Have a fab week!

How Mature Are You? (Part I in a series...)

Donna Labermeier, author of "The Healer's Trilogy" know all about maturity.  What are the character traits that demonstrate authentic emotional maturity?  I know I have my own thoughts on the subject, but I do like Labermeier's list of the 25 Signs of Maturity.  Here they are:

1.  Realize how much you don't know.

We are all students of life.  When a person is emotionally immature, they spend too much time trying to impress others with their shtick...whatever that shtick may be.  It reminds me of when I watch Judge Mathis on television and the defendant starts explaining the law to Judge Mathis.  Those are consistently the best moments!  "Oh, thank you for telling me how the legal system works since I'm a judge and you obtained your law degree from where?" When we would rather lie to ourselves (and others) about what we don't know or are unsure of...we have just inserted our own foot up our own rear end.  Believe me, it is much better, wiser, and more emotionally mature to say "I don't know.." when YOU DON'T KNOW!  Try it.  You might find it's easier than believing your own inflated press released about yourself!

2.  Listening more and talking less.

Why is it we are so easily addicted to the sound of our own voice?  Besides the fact that listening is definitely NOT the same as "hearing" someone speak...we are losing our collective ability to listen as a culture.
Instead of taking in what the other person has said, understanding it, and letting that other person know we understand----we tend to analyze it, determine if what has been said is personally "for" or "against" us in some way, contemplate our response to what was said, and then express our response---all while we are supposed to be listening!  This is not actively listening.  This is defending ourselves without any real evidence to back up our assumptions.  Or it may be about making our response to what was just said "All about Me!" which is equally emotionally immature.

3.  Being aware and considerate of others, rather than self-absorbed, self-centered, and inconsiderate.

Emotional immaturity typically involves this "All About Me!" mentality.  You know, like a two year old. Unfortunately, too many adults just never grow out of this mindset.  I have seen moguls of business and industry behave like King and Queen babies when someone makes a mistake in their presence.  We are all equals, remember?  Nobody is the Lord or Mistress of the Universe in spite of their own beliefs to the contrary!  I am reminded of the restaurant patron who had to sit in a certain "chair" at the restaurant, complained when the french fries were too "short", and refused to pay for significant changes made to the original food order.  Huh?!  Too many of us just don't get that the world does NOT revolve around us, it truly doesn't.

4.  Not taking everything personally, getting easily offended, or feeling the need to defend, prove, or make excuses for yourself.

When a person engages in this behavior, they might as well introduce themselves as follows:  "Hi, I'm Joe and it IS my fault!"---because this is what Joe is believing to be absolutely true about himself most of the time anyway.  Now if, in reality, Joe is a bad guy...oh well!  At least his conscience is still working  if even just a little tiny bit.  In all cases, however, this is still a huge red flag that emotional maturity is seriously lacking...

5.  Being grateful and gracious, not complaining.

Nobody likes to listen to a whiner, a complainer, or a "Oh Whoa is Me"-er...because it is beyond annoying. This is what therapy is for.  Get into therapy and work through your past or present traumas, dramas, and unresolved issues with a licensed professional.  Stop telling anybody and everybody the same old lament 10,000,000,000 times like it's your job!  I remember a girl when I was younger who used to complain incessantly about not having a boyfriend.  Then when she got one, she complained incessantly about not being engaged.  Then when they got married, she complained incessantly about him never being home. GEEZ WONDER WHY!?!  LOL!

6.  Taking responsibility for your own health and happiness, not relying on others to "fix" you or placing blame for your circumstances.

I will now refer you to the TLC series on cable "My Big Fat Fabulous Life".  Just watch the show.  You'll know what I mean after viewing the very first episode.  Codependency is a major issue for so many of us; an issue we don't even think we struggle with until it is pointed out to us and fully understood.  Nobody else is responsible for your "ok"-ness in this life.  When we give up our own personal power...we become powerless.  And then we get (for lack of putting it a better way!) stoopid because now we start complaining when that other person doesn't do for us in quite the "right" way we want.  HUH!?  This is called looking a gift horse in the mouth and then complaining about its bad breath.  Stop it!  Nobody's life purpose is to fix, save, or rescue YOU.  Got it?  Hopefully so!

7.  Having forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.

Being kinder and gentler to ourselves and others is a good plan first and always.  But we are so often busy living in shame (which, by the way, was a great song when it came out by Diana Ross and the Supremes in the way back!)...we forget that forgiveness and compassion is a major MAJOR key to healing, recovery, personal growth, and positive change.   For those of us with a faith-based spiritual world view, life would be completely pointless without these two pillars of truth to ground us.  No forgiveness...no peace.  No compassion...no peace.

8.  Being calm and peaceful, not desperate, frantic, or irrational.

Nobody can "fake" authentic calm..and authentic peace within one's heart, mind, and spirit.  It's literally impossible to accomplish by merely "wishing" it so.  Who or what is your authentic source of truth, of hope, and of comfort (and I'm not talking about another human being here!).  If you don't know, perhaps this is a good time to start investigating all of that so as to turn your sense of desperation, despair, anxiety, and irrational thinking around once and for all.

9.  Showing flexibility and openness as opposed to resisting, controlling, or being unreasonable.

Some of the most emotionally immature individuals among us are extremely rigid in their thinking and associated behaviors.  If it doesn't go their way...chaos ensues.  Flexibility is the ability to go with the flow EVEN when the flow isn't want you wanted or expected for yourself at this time.  Nobody can control what they can't control in the first place.  Yet we tend to delude ourselves into thinking that we have power over a person, place, or thing way too often during our lifetimes.  If you don't know what this "looks like" in real life, think of any addict you know.  This particular sign of emotional immaturity is one that every addict in our universe hangs his or her hat on:  do it my way...because it IS my way!

10.  Helping yourself, not just expecting others to do it for you out of a sense of entitlement.

We all have knapsacks of responsibility we are each responsible for on a daily basis.  I don't ask you to wash my face;  you don't ask me to brush your teeth each morning.  Yet---when we fall into this particular trap of emotional immaturity, we really do see ourselves as being "owed" by pretty much anyone and everyone around us for a whole number of personal responsibilities we'd rather not "do" ourselves.  Spare me!  Why is your own brand of "I'm a victim!" more important or more meaningful than my own?  This is why our culture is in such a hot mess across so many areas of functioning.  We make life goals out of (1) power, (2) pleasure, and (3) avoiding responsibility.  And this is supposed to work how and for who?  And these are the same folks who wonder why they don't have any "real" friends.  DUH!

Next time, we will continue with this list of the 25 Signs of Emotional Maturity.  Have a great rest of your week!