Stop Rejecting and Start Reflecting!

Teaching clients about developing and then practicing effective communication skills is part of my work as a psychotherapist.  Easy to say "I want to communicate better!", but difficult to actually do.  Sometimes the problem is due to the fact that people prefer mindreading over using their words to communicate needs, wants, feelings, and beliefs to others.  I can't tell you how many clients I've listened to over the past decade who have said "He should just KNOW how I feel about that by now!"  No honey, he doesn't.  Not everyone is a mind reader, a fortune teller, or a psychic.  To assume someone else "just knows" what you are thinking or what you want....???!  That's plain dumb.  Whenever you assume something, don't forget---it makes an a** out of both you---and me (the person you are assuming whatever about!)...

Today's blog post is about rejection-based responses that we "do" to each other when communicating, but don't realize the negative impact such responses have on the relationship as a whole.

Here is the "hot list" of the Top Seven Rejection-Based Responses in Relationships:

1.    Attacking

Nobody likes to feel or be verbally attacked by anyone in the general sense...let alone someone who we are involved with in a close personal relationship.  With relationships we have been in for a while (or have gotten used to!), it is all too easy to slip into "attack mode" without thinking.  Attacking is what we do when we don't want to address our own responsibiliy as part of a problem the other person is communicating to us.  Attackers will say things like "I can do that as soon as YOU stop doing...", "Yeah right but what about when YOU...", or "What about that time YOU went and..."  Attacking someone verbally NEVER demonstrates that you are listening to the person speaking and acknowledging what they said.   Verbal attacks ultimately teach us all that verbal abuse is o.k., which it is not.

2.    Apologizing

This may initially appear as a "weird" method used to reject what someone else says to you.  However, apologizing is very often used to get the other person to "Shut up now!" about the subject under discussion in a passive aggressive way.  "I'm sorry, you are right as usual...", "Yes, I know...I'm sorry;  how many times can I tell you that I am sorry?!", or "I get it.  I know.  I'm sorry.  Can we move on?"  Apologizing without fully listening to and fully understanding how your actions hurt or damaged the other person is both rude and arrogant.  People do it often, however, and that's not a good thing.  To be truly and authentically "sorry" is to show that you sincerely get it (by both your words AND your actions) about how you offended someone.

3.    Advising

Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome by anyone engaged in conversation with each other.  Unless someone asks you specifically for your advice about something, forget all about offering it up on a silver platter to them anyway.  Nobody wants to listen to someone else's advice when they didn't ask for it in the first place.  Advising is when someone tells you about how they feel and you launch in with "Maybe you should have...", or "If I were you,I would have...".  Not good.   The other person will ultimately resent you for always putting your two cents instead of just listening and being there for them emotionally.  If you want to make a career out of advising, go back to school and become a consultant in your chosen field!

4.  Defending

When someone is upset with you, defending yourself is not the way to go about building bridges of understanding between the two of you.  Defending oneself verbally only serves to create walls of further misunderstanding between you and the person you are speaking to.  "I didn't mean that!", "I didn't do it!", "I would never talk to...like that!", "I was only thinking of you..." blah blah blah.  If you feel that you are being unfairly accused of something you genuinely didn't do...all you have to do is ask the person, "What makes you say that?" or "What makes you ask me that question?"  That's all.  To go right into defending yourself like you are on trial and presenting your case before a judge is not only extremely premature---but dumb.  Yep, that's what I said:  dumb!  When you do that, you are subconsciously agreeing with the speaker that you ARE guilty and now are trying to snake your way out of it "whatever" it was or is you are being accused of!

5.    Distracting

Distracting someone away from the subject they want to talk to you about is a narcissist's stock and trade.  Instead of listening and responding appropriately by ACCEPTING what the other person has said to you....distracting basically communicates "Wait a second!  How is this about me?!"  Responding with such statements as "How do you think all of this affects me?!", "How can you say that when I feel....!", "How could this happen to me...", "What did I do to deserve this...?" etc. etc. Not every conversation is going to be about oneself;  distractors know this on some level but just keep trying to get our world to revolve around them not just once or twice---but every single day!

6.    Invalidating

To invalidate someone else when they are trying to be open and honest about how they feel or think is extremely cruel.  Invalidators say things like "You don't mean that!", "You can't believe that!", "You have no idea what you are talking about.." etc.  Invalidation basically says that the person you don't agree with is an idiot and you're reminding them of this fact.  Invalidation also communicates that you know better than the speaker how they "should" think and feel and behave.  Who does that unless you are a control freak and codependent to boot? 

7.    Minimizing

Minimizing is what we do when we make a molehill out of a mountain verbally.  "Oh that's o.k., she only broke her ribs when you ran into her with your jet ski!"  Minimizing whatever is being said to you is like saying, "That's not attention worthy to me!" when indeed it is to the person who is speaking.  "Why are you getting so worked up over this?", "It's not that big of a deal..", "What's with all the drama here..?"  Grant it, some people are into drama, crisis, and chaos by their very nature---but it's still rude to minimize what they say to you as a method of communication.  A much more appropriate response would be to say something like, "I can clearly see how upset you are;  what do you want me to do to for you now?"  There you go and you're welcome....

Rejection-based responses come naturally to us....but represent some very poor communication habits.  See how many of these bad habits you fall into as you communicate this week with your partner, your best friend, your elderly relative, your kid, or your boss/co-workers.  If you need help with communication skills development, I'm just a phone call away.  248-561-8660.

Have a great week!












 

Sister Drama

Sister drama is as old as history itself.  As someone who doesn't have a biological sister, I have observed many sisters in action over the last fifty years or so since I first realized "what" a sister actually was.  (Back then, it was that other little girl we had to drag around with us everywhere we went or you couldn't come out to play!)  Today's blog post is about sister drama and what you can do, as a sister, to either solve, resolve, or dissolve the drama that exists between the two (or more!) of you.

First, looking back at your family's history is helpful if you haven't yet learned the lessons you need to from it.  You and your sister(s) each have a different perspective about what it was like to grow up with your mother and/or your father and/or the person(s) who raised you.  As part of this process, you are giving yourself permission to identify, recognize, and listen to the reality of how you each grew up without perpetuating the fantasy version(s) of how things were.  

Back in my generation, many oldest or older sisters were forced to take on the role of their mother's personal assistant when it came to the younger child(ren).  I've had friends and clients both recite those famous last words before the door shut behind them during childhood:  "Watch your little sister!"  This is just an example of one issue (over-responsibility) that plagues many older sisters even to the present day.  "I can't believe my little sister;  she always acts like I'm her mother!"  Really Sherlock?  Imagine that!  Right now, I am thinking of a mental health professional I know who still doesn't get it about how she consistently inserts herself in the middle of her younger sisters' lives as if she's (who else?) their mama.  Grant it, there are many reasons why mothers allowed one or more of their children to function as mini moms during childhood.  One of the neighborhood moms when I was a kid basically gave over her youngest daughter to her oldest girl...and her youngest son over to her oldest boy during the summer months when we were all out of school.  It never occurred to me back then that their mom didn't work in summer because she was a teacher!  I don't know where she went during the day, but she sure wasn't at her house!

Another common sister-drama-in-the-making dynamic that gets its start in childhood is the favored sister role.  Shame on every mother and father in America who perpetuates this dysfunction by openly expressing and demonstrating favoritism towards one or some of their children and not all equally.  As hokey as this is going to sound, sometimes just looking more like mom versus dad can seal a child's fate in one direction or the other.  I have seen the "pretty" sister (who, oh by the way, looked just like mom when she was a child!) receive either the perks---or the shaft---for being labeled in this way. Especially daunting is the "unwanted" or "accident" or "wrong gender" sister whose very birth marked her for life within the family.  I have actually been to family events where a sister has been introduced to me as "This is our sister who was supposed to be born a boy."  Great.  And people wonder why she's spent a lifetime trying to prove herself worthy in the eyes of dad (first) and then mom?  I could go somewhere else with that one, but I won't. 

By speaking openly and honestly with your sisters about what each of you experienced back then can be extremely helpful in not only learning the relevant lessons from your shared pasts....but in also mending fences and building bridges between you.  In some cases a professional therapist is necessary so as to set the appropriate boundaries around any conversations that have the potential to go south in a hurry.  Ultimately, the goal here is to find a new common ground as a basis for understanding and being understood by one another as adults.  Then authentic emotional intimancy stands a chance of growing and flourishing because the frame of reference between sisters has been reframed accordingly...

Next, it is important to face present reality.  Resolving sister drama isn't going to happen when one or more sisters has a drinking problem...or a drug problem...or any other ongoing problem that prevents them from being mentally and emotionally stable for more than a week or two.  Trying to make peace and move forward with an unpredictable and unstable sister is like trying to run a race barefoot on broken glass.  You can do all the talking you want, but it will all lead to your own sore throat.

Taking time off from your sister in this type of situation is not a bad thing.  It doesn't mean that you are abandoning your relationship forever;  it just means that you will be smarter about when and how you interact with one another.  A great book on this topic is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender.  In it, he likens having difficult conversations with family members as entering into gorilla warfare.  You have to know when the time is right to get in there, say what you need to say in truth and in love to your target, and get the heck out before the bombs start dropping all around you.   What's the point of spending inordinate amounts of time trying to convince a sister to see what she doesn't feel the need to see in the first place?  This is like the friend who you can't stand shopping with because everywhere you go, she has to stop and admire every little tchotchke along the way.  It is SO annoying---just like it would be to a sister who doesn't want to see what she doesn't want to see!

Grieving is a part of this letting go process.  Grieving can lead to acceptance and acceptance can lead to change---within oneself that is.  This is where the "dissolving" part of sister drama can occur.  We choose to let go of whatever used to bother us about "that sister" and our related sister drama....but we also choose to change our own behavior so as to maintain our own personal integrity and self-respect.  If that means letting go of the relationship for a time while engaging in "bold love" strategies when interactions occur---great.  If that means continuing as is but speaking up more often when offended or hurt----that's great too.  In the end, the sister drama may never change...but we will be changed because we are doing, and continue to do, the "right" thing for our own sakes each and every day...