Susan is 23 years old. She graduated from college, though she works at a full time job that has nothing to do with her college degree and chosen profession. Susan didn't realize that in order to obtain a job in her chosen field, she needed a master's degree also. This represented a great disappointment to Susan. Undergrad was difficult enough as she was only able to manage a 2.9 overall GPA. Such a GPA is the kiss of death when applying to competitive graduate school programs. As such, Susan makes $12 an hour at a job she hates...yet has no plans to leave anytime soon. Susan, however, does have a boyfriend whom she hoped would invite her to live with him sooner than later. For whatever reason, Susan saw "that" as the answer to all of her problems. Wow. And here I thought the womens' movement was supposed to help usher this generation's 20-somethings to a place of wisdom, insight, and self-confidence. Susan's story makes me want to cry. She doesn't even know how she's thrown herself under the bus because she can't see it. She can't see how her expectations for her own "good life" are based on whomever she's with doing what she tells them to do---for her.
Diving into Susan's personal history and family background, it becomes quite clear how Susan fell through the cracks of her parents' ongoing drama. Dad was a sweet, fiercely loyal, and passive guy. Mom was her husband's polar opposite. Needless to say, when mama wasn't happy...ain't nobody was happy in Susan's house. As a result, Susan learned how to behave as a woman from her mother...just as she learned how to behave towards men. Until the topic of "control" came up in our conversation, Susan had no idea how she "inherited" her mother's compulsive need to be in control in her important personal relationships. Rather than going out and doing what was necessary for Susan's own long-term success in a realistically do-able undergrad program and associated profession post graduation----she hyperfocused on her boyfriend and "when" they could move in together. Eek. This will not end well. And it didn't. She expected the invite to come; it never came. There was a bad breakup. Susan got another boyfriend, but she was still struggling with "When I move in..." Here's the first thing: nobody is an object to be used and abused. We are all equals. Equality means that everyone has the right to their own beliefs, opinions, and attitudes...even when they don't match your own. Equality also means respecting one another (in love) while also respecting one another's freedom to make choices that don't go according to your own plans. Nobody has to ask you to move in with them or vice versa just because you want it. Moving in together doesn't make your brain work better. What it does is distract you away from what you REALLY need to be working on and thinking about for yourself and your own life's future!!
For Susan, psychotherapy helped her to redirect herself in a way that allowed her practice being her better and more higher (characterlogically) self personally and professionally. Because her original and chosen career path was no longer of any interest to her, she was encouraged to check out other graduate school programs that would be more open to accepting her, given her overall GPA. She also researched all the career possibilities that were available given her character traits, hobbies, interests, talents, and skills. If you dont' yet know about "What Color Is Your Parachute?" (book) it is a fabulous resource for those who are wondering "what" to do with themselves career wise. The book is published each year to include updates in the newest types of jobs and career opportunities that have been created as technology improves.
For Susan, her undergraduate degree allowed her to switch gears and begin a masters' program in social work at a local commuter college. So far, so good. Susan is due to graduate in about another year and half and she couldn't be happier. She moved to an area nearby to campus, which happens to be up-and-coming anyway in recent years. "I have friends now that are very supportive and who live all up and down my block and around the corner; it's great!"
It is great. We all matter. We are all special. We have to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves. Expectations ARE premeditated resentments that can really mess up the rest of our lives when we let them.
Don't let them. Do what is right for you today...and keep on doing it every day. Practice may not make perfect...but it sure makes the practicing easier and easier to do over time.
Until next post...
Diving into Susan's personal history and family background, it becomes quite clear how Susan fell through the cracks of her parents' ongoing drama. Dad was a sweet, fiercely loyal, and passive guy. Mom was her husband's polar opposite. Needless to say, when mama wasn't happy...ain't nobody was happy in Susan's house. As a result, Susan learned how to behave as a woman from her mother...just as she learned how to behave towards men. Until the topic of "control" came up in our conversation, Susan had no idea how she "inherited" her mother's compulsive need to be in control in her important personal relationships. Rather than going out and doing what was necessary for Susan's own long-term success in a realistically do-able undergrad program and associated profession post graduation----she hyperfocused on her boyfriend and "when" they could move in together. Eek. This will not end well. And it didn't. She expected the invite to come; it never came. There was a bad breakup. Susan got another boyfriend, but she was still struggling with "When I move in..." Here's the first thing: nobody is an object to be used and abused. We are all equals. Equality means that everyone has the right to their own beliefs, opinions, and attitudes...even when they don't match your own. Equality also means respecting one another (in love) while also respecting one another's freedom to make choices that don't go according to your own plans. Nobody has to ask you to move in with them or vice versa just because you want it. Moving in together doesn't make your brain work better. What it does is distract you away from what you REALLY need to be working on and thinking about for yourself and your own life's future!!
For Susan, psychotherapy helped her to redirect herself in a way that allowed her practice being her better and more higher (characterlogically) self personally and professionally. Because her original and chosen career path was no longer of any interest to her, she was encouraged to check out other graduate school programs that would be more open to accepting her, given her overall GPA. She also researched all the career possibilities that were available given her character traits, hobbies, interests, talents, and skills. If you dont' yet know about "What Color Is Your Parachute?" (book) it is a fabulous resource for those who are wondering "what" to do with themselves career wise. The book is published each year to include updates in the newest types of jobs and career opportunities that have been created as technology improves.
For Susan, her undergraduate degree allowed her to switch gears and begin a masters' program in social work at a local commuter college. So far, so good. Susan is due to graduate in about another year and half and she couldn't be happier. She moved to an area nearby to campus, which happens to be up-and-coming anyway in recent years. "I have friends now that are very supportive and who live all up and down my block and around the corner; it's great!"
It is great. We all matter. We are all special. We have to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves. Expectations ARE premeditated resentments that can really mess up the rest of our lives when we let them.
Don't let them. Do what is right for you today...and keep on doing it every day. Practice may not make perfect...but it sure makes the practicing easier and easier to do over time.
Until next post...