Being afraid of feeling our own uncomfortable, difficult, and/or trauma-induced feelings is not unusual for many of us. We were not properly socialized as children or young adults to understand that our feelings, when they are 'bad' or uncomfortable WILL NOT KILL US. We are not taught that using our words to express how we feel, when we feel badly, is THE RIGHT THING TO DO so we can be fully understood. We are not taught how to let go of those feelings and the power they have over us at the time so as to feel genuinely better. We aren't taught about the power of real-life and right now "triggers" which can immediately remind us or take us back emotionally to the "scene of the drama/trauma/hurt/crime". We are not taught how to be kind and gentle to ourselves when we actually hate ourselves and/or are overwhelmed with feelings of self-condemnation, guilt, shame, anger, and fear. We are not taught how to identify real opportunities to practice trusting other people well enough in spite of how we struggle with our negative emotions. We aren't taught how to know better, so we can do better "next time".
Yes, for this and a boatload of other reasons...we learn to live in fear, anxiety, and desperation rather than in love, peace, and true hope for our own future...
People will always disappoint us, that's a fact. If we have a fear of people going on at the same time we believe we should be trusting them as best as we can...how is that not confusing as hell? "The other is bad!" is one core belief we rarely even look at let alone identify as being true enough for ourselves. When we genuinely do believe that "The other is bad!" (meaning ANY "other" person other than ourselves!)...can you see how this belief sets us up for all sorts of drama, trauma, and future mayhem?
I know someone who thinks like this, but still claims how "I" (Mary) am not "one of them". Okay whatever. And yet if she's particularly upset about something going on in her life, she will not hesitate to throw me under the bus along with everyone else who she believes is a *$)#@ $*__@. I understand. One of her core beliefs, after all, is that THE OTHER IS BAD! This won't change. Unless she does her work to turn this core belief around...even if only to instead believe SOME OTHERS ARE BAD...she'll keep believing it hook, line, and sinker.
In her case, she's a drunk too. That doesn't help her cause in this regard at all. Get more than few drinks down her, and then you start hearing about ALL the people from her past and present who were bad, are still bad now, and will no doubt continue to be bad (to her!) in the future. To what extent she feeds her beast of this particular core belief I have no clue; yet I guarantee that she's probably doing enough to prove herself correct more often than not.
What are some of the core beliefs we have that can cause us to stay stuck in our inability to feel our feelings fearlessly, articulate them clearly enough, and work through them without remaining confused, broken, and a hot mess of contradictory emotions? I just listened to that Demi Lovato song the other night during the Grammy's telecast. What a f'ing depressing song! There's more there to figure out and sing about Demi! No sh**! She ends the song on the fact that nobody's listening to her. And...? Go find someone to listen and assist you young lady! How about that?! I mean such a beautiful and powerful melody...and the overarching message is, in truth, "Were all f'd!" because "The other IS bad!" Yikes.
Not a good way to spread the good news of hope, healing, and recovery truly being possible!
Yes, stop I know. She survived her heroin overdose and she was singing at the Grammy's clean and sober now. So where's the song about that?! Just wondering.... Maybe it's coming. I don't know.
So, back to some of the core beliefs that can cause us more harm than good when it comes to learning how to feel what we'd rather not feel:
"I'm too bad to deserve ANY good!"
"I'm fragile and unable."
"I have no voice."
"Nobody's listening to me."
"I am invisible."
"I don't matter to anyone."
"I deserve only bad things."
"I am the problem...always."
"It's my fault."
"I'm selfish for wanting what I want for myself."
"I can't change for the better."
"I exist to make sure others are o.k., instead of me."
"I'll never do anything right."
"I can't do anything right unless it's done for me."
"The other is bad."
"I am bad."
"The world is bad."
...need I go on?
Stop and take a look at what you believe to be true about yourself. Who taught you these things to believe about you? Why do you believe them? When are you going to face them and change them so they stop haunting you and/or directing your own behavior?
Nobody is as bad as they believe...just as nobody is as good as they believe either. We all generally fall somewhere between those two extremes. Own your sh** and do your work. You are worth it.
...until next post...
Yes, for this and a boatload of other reasons...we learn to live in fear, anxiety, and desperation rather than in love, peace, and true hope for our own future...
People will always disappoint us, that's a fact. If we have a fear of people going on at the same time we believe we should be trusting them as best as we can...how is that not confusing as hell? "The other is bad!" is one core belief we rarely even look at let alone identify as being true enough for ourselves. When we genuinely do believe that "The other is bad!" (meaning ANY "other" person other than ourselves!)...can you see how this belief sets us up for all sorts of drama, trauma, and future mayhem?
I know someone who thinks like this, but still claims how "I" (Mary) am not "one of them". Okay whatever. And yet if she's particularly upset about something going on in her life, she will not hesitate to throw me under the bus along with everyone else who she believes is a *$)#@ $*__@. I understand. One of her core beliefs, after all, is that THE OTHER IS BAD! This won't change. Unless she does her work to turn this core belief around...even if only to instead believe SOME OTHERS ARE BAD...she'll keep believing it hook, line, and sinker.
In her case, she's a drunk too. That doesn't help her cause in this regard at all. Get more than few drinks down her, and then you start hearing about ALL the people from her past and present who were bad, are still bad now, and will no doubt continue to be bad (to her!) in the future. To what extent she feeds her beast of this particular core belief I have no clue; yet I guarantee that she's probably doing enough to prove herself correct more often than not.
What are some of the core beliefs we have that can cause us to stay stuck in our inability to feel our feelings fearlessly, articulate them clearly enough, and work through them without remaining confused, broken, and a hot mess of contradictory emotions? I just listened to that Demi Lovato song the other night during the Grammy's telecast. What a f'ing depressing song! There's more there to figure out and sing about Demi! No sh**! She ends the song on the fact that nobody's listening to her. And...? Go find someone to listen and assist you young lady! How about that?! I mean such a beautiful and powerful melody...and the overarching message is, in truth, "Were all f'd!" because "The other IS bad!" Yikes.
Not a good way to spread the good news of hope, healing, and recovery truly being possible!
Yes, stop I know. She survived her heroin overdose and she was singing at the Grammy's clean and sober now. So where's the song about that?! Just wondering.... Maybe it's coming. I don't know.
So, back to some of the core beliefs that can cause us more harm than good when it comes to learning how to feel what we'd rather not feel:
"I'm too bad to deserve ANY good!"
"I'm fragile and unable."
"I have no voice."
"Nobody's listening to me."
"I am invisible."
"I don't matter to anyone."
"I deserve only bad things."
"I am the problem...always."
"It's my fault."
"I'm selfish for wanting what I want for myself."
"I can't change for the better."
"I exist to make sure others are o.k., instead of me."
"I'll never do anything right."
"I can't do anything right unless it's done for me."
"The other is bad."
"I am bad."
"The world is bad."
...need I go on?
Stop and take a look at what you believe to be true about yourself. Who taught you these things to believe about you? Why do you believe them? When are you going to face them and change them so they stop haunting you and/or directing your own behavior?
Nobody is as bad as they believe...just as nobody is as good as they believe either. We all generally fall somewhere between those two extremes. Own your sh** and do your work. You are worth it.
...until next post...