A friend asked me the other night what to do about a friend of hers who is depressed...and depressing to spend any significant time (speaking) with. As she was telling me about this person, who I have met on several occasions, she claimed that this same friend was someone who had always been a "lot of fun" historically speaking. "We went on trips together with them...she was always smiling and fun-loving." Maybe that's part of the problem as people do change over time---and not always in a way we imagined or expected.
So, can you relate to my friend? Have you someone in your life right now who you love and/or care about, but whose depression is adversely affecting you and your own mood state? What have you done to "solve" your problem with that---and/or to "resolve" it with him or her? How has what you've done so far worked...or not worked?
One of the things we forget when we are on the receiving end of someone else's depression is that we are powerless to change their current situation. We just don't have the power to "make" someone feel better or do better or be better over the long haul. We have to accept this fact. If we don't, we are more apt to turn ourselves inside out in our attempts to "turn that frown upside down" whenever we interact with one another. Yes, I am aware that there are plenty of depressed people out there who will say things like "Oh I am SO glad you called me! I feel SO much better now! It's all because of YOU!" kind of thing. Don't buy into it. Again, nobody has that degree of power over "healing" another person's current mental health status. If anything, this type of feedback is extremely codependent---and codependently driven. "Oh I am SO glad you might be the person to save, fix, and rescue me from myself! I can't do the work of getting better on my own! I'd rather use you like a drug when I need a quick "fix" of feeling better about myself." Are you catching my meaning here? Don't work on someone else's problem or life harder than they are---or are willing to. If you do, then YOU are the one who is truly more "sick" than you realize. Just sayin...
Yes, of course we can offer encouragement and inspiration to someone who is hurting, depressed, anxious, and/or experiencing whatever other "negative" feeling(s) state they are in any given moment. Yet if we focus our interactions on "their stuff" more than what feels reasonable and comfortable, we need to ask ourselves why we are allowing it.
When my mother and aunt were alive (sisters), I can remember my mother talking to my aunt on the phone---AND doing the vast majority of the talking besides. Rarely did I hear my mother listening as my aunt spoke to her. This went on for years, as they were on the phone with each other at least once a day. After my mother died, I asked my aunt how she managed to just sit there and listen for ALL those years as my mother basically ranted and raved about each member of our family in turn. My aunt's response was very simple. She told me she felt she "owed" it to my mother because their mother "adored" my aunt...and yet clearly "did not like" my mother. Huh?!?! But that was her logic for putting up with my mother's vitriol-fueled ravings for as long as she did. It didn't make any sense to me then, just as it doesn't now 13 years after my mother's death and 4 years after my aunt's passing. The "pattern" they engaged in on the phone did neither one of them any "real" good. It taught my mother to be as dysfunctional as she wanted to be---and to repeat same time same place tomorrow. It taught my aunt to keep feeling guilty over a debt she herself did not owe going back to their childhood years. Wow.
I tell this little story so we will think perhaps a bit more clearly as to "why" we put up with people, situations, or circumstances that clearly are more harmful than helpful to all parties involved. Would I allow someone in my house for dinner if they were going to shoot up some heroin at the table and before the first course was served? Of course not! Yet what do we do when our friends and/or loved ones basically take a crap in the middle of our lives when they feel like it---and then walk away basically saying "That felt good!" after they've done so? Who cleans up that mess afterward? Oh yeah, that's right. It would be you. It would be me.
If you want to truly "encourage" and/or "inspire" someone who is depressed...give them the phone # of someone who is in a real position to help them. Translated this means a licensed professional psychotherapist. Of course there are countless other resources online or in print also.
To summarize, let me just add that the worse thing we can do in this type of situation is to exploit it for our own benefit. What does that mean? It means that instead of telling the truth graciously to someone in need of real help, we ignore the obvious and exploit the situation to feel good about ourselves. "Well, at least I am not THAT depressed! Sheesh...he really IS a hot mess! OMG how nutty can he/she be?!" etc. etc.
I hope you haven't pulled that. If you have, you really aren't as "helpful" as you may have thought you have been....ever...or to anyone. Just sayin...
Until next post.
So, can you relate to my friend? Have you someone in your life right now who you love and/or care about, but whose depression is adversely affecting you and your own mood state? What have you done to "solve" your problem with that---and/or to "resolve" it with him or her? How has what you've done so far worked...or not worked?
One of the things we forget when we are on the receiving end of someone else's depression is that we are powerless to change their current situation. We just don't have the power to "make" someone feel better or do better or be better over the long haul. We have to accept this fact. If we don't, we are more apt to turn ourselves inside out in our attempts to "turn that frown upside down" whenever we interact with one another. Yes, I am aware that there are plenty of depressed people out there who will say things like "Oh I am SO glad you called me! I feel SO much better now! It's all because of YOU!" kind of thing. Don't buy into it. Again, nobody has that degree of power over "healing" another person's current mental health status. If anything, this type of feedback is extremely codependent---and codependently driven. "Oh I am SO glad you might be the person to save, fix, and rescue me from myself! I can't do the work of getting better on my own! I'd rather use you like a drug when I need a quick "fix" of feeling better about myself." Are you catching my meaning here? Don't work on someone else's problem or life harder than they are---or are willing to. If you do, then YOU are the one who is truly more "sick" than you realize. Just sayin...
Yes, of course we can offer encouragement and inspiration to someone who is hurting, depressed, anxious, and/or experiencing whatever other "negative" feeling(s) state they are in any given moment. Yet if we focus our interactions on "their stuff" more than what feels reasonable and comfortable, we need to ask ourselves why we are allowing it.
When my mother and aunt were alive (sisters), I can remember my mother talking to my aunt on the phone---AND doing the vast majority of the talking besides. Rarely did I hear my mother listening as my aunt spoke to her. This went on for years, as they were on the phone with each other at least once a day. After my mother died, I asked my aunt how she managed to just sit there and listen for ALL those years as my mother basically ranted and raved about each member of our family in turn. My aunt's response was very simple. She told me she felt she "owed" it to my mother because their mother "adored" my aunt...and yet clearly "did not like" my mother. Huh?!?! But that was her logic for putting up with my mother's vitriol-fueled ravings for as long as she did. It didn't make any sense to me then, just as it doesn't now 13 years after my mother's death and 4 years after my aunt's passing. The "pattern" they engaged in on the phone did neither one of them any "real" good. It taught my mother to be as dysfunctional as she wanted to be---and to repeat same time same place tomorrow. It taught my aunt to keep feeling guilty over a debt she herself did not owe going back to their childhood years. Wow.
I tell this little story so we will think perhaps a bit more clearly as to "why" we put up with people, situations, or circumstances that clearly are more harmful than helpful to all parties involved. Would I allow someone in my house for dinner if they were going to shoot up some heroin at the table and before the first course was served? Of course not! Yet what do we do when our friends and/or loved ones basically take a crap in the middle of our lives when they feel like it---and then walk away basically saying "That felt good!" after they've done so? Who cleans up that mess afterward? Oh yeah, that's right. It would be you. It would be me.
If you want to truly "encourage" and/or "inspire" someone who is depressed...give them the phone # of someone who is in a real position to help them. Translated this means a licensed professional psychotherapist. Of course there are countless other resources online or in print also.
To summarize, let me just add that the worse thing we can do in this type of situation is to exploit it for our own benefit. What does that mean? It means that instead of telling the truth graciously to someone in need of real help, we ignore the obvious and exploit the situation to feel good about ourselves. "Well, at least I am not THAT depressed! Sheesh...he really IS a hot mess! OMG how nutty can he/she be?!" etc. etc.
I hope you haven't pulled that. If you have, you really aren't as "helpful" as you may have thought you have been....ever...or to anyone. Just sayin...
Until next post.