Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October)

This month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.   So, what constitutes domestic violence?  Don't roll your eyes;  you'd be amazed at the answers I've heard over the course of my own lifetime.  "If nothing is broken, it doesn't count as domestic violence."  "When both people agree to it, it's S&M...but when one of the people hasn't agreed to it, then it's domestic violence."  (Which, I have to admit, IS true!)  The ways we think about domestic violence is, of course, going to be largely based on our own perceptions and/or experience(s) with it.  I actually had a client tell me that since her current husband doesn't beat her up or sexually abuse her as badly or as often as her last husband did, she did not consider herself as being abused now.  I've also had someone tell me that he is used to being called "A**h***" instead of his given name by his "best friend" whenever they are out in public together.  Okay then.  I can't change how people think;  but I certainly can attempt to encourage, inspire, and motivate them to challenge it (their own thinking) more than they have historically speaking.

Instead of repeating what has already been said 10,000,000 times in print and online about what domestic violence is or is not...I want to take a fresh approach with today's blog post.  If "it" (whatever happened!) causes you to immediately feel that familiar and yet toxic mix of fear, anger, confusion, shame, and guilt....then you are probably involved in an actively abusive relationship.  That's it.  No other criteria to think about.  Whatever went down...you didn't ask for it, you didn't welcome it, and you didn't want it---but you got it anyway.  Same is true in reverse if you lost control of yourself and "snapped".

So why do we do it?  What's the payoff for being involved with someone who we can comfortably pick a fight at pretty much anytime and over anything?  Why do we spend even 10 minutes of our free time with a person who is more consistently moody---or unpredictable---or a "blamer" by nature---than not?  Why do we put up with what we already know nobody in their right mind would put up with for a day, or a week...let alone for years!?  Why do we keep going back to or covering up for or excusing all that pain that someone else has caused us....or that we ourselves have caused?

Listen, endorphins (the body's "natural" pain killer) rush through our bodies regardless if we are engaging in a love fest or a fist fight with another human being.  Funny how that works!  If you don't believe that couples can become addicted to arguing and literal fighting given the endorphin-rush payoff that follow any form of beat down, think again!  Did you forget about Bob and Nancy Seaman of Farmington Hills fame?  When I was made familiar with that case after it first happened, I had the opportunity to speak to several individuals closely connected to the Seaman family system.  Almost immediately it became clear that both Bob and Nancy brought out the worst in each other;  however, neither one of them was brave enough to take proper action in breaking the highly dysfunctional bond they shared and based on trauma.  Both Bob and Nancy became so used to their own unique brand of violent interaction (and then sadly co-opted their children to ultimately choose a side!);  I'm sure they never imagined what ended up taking place.  Nancy Seaman now sits at Huron Valley for the rest of her natural life;  Bob Seaman is no more.

I was just told the other day about an iconic couple from my former hometown that were more well known at that time to both the local police and area hospital system for reasons to do with domestic violence than with their philanthropic pursuits.  I shouldn't have been surprised hearing this, but I still was.  This couple had sons together.  Those sons had their own sons.  Did the legacy of abuse present within that family system trickle down (as it typically does!) to the current generation of adult sons and their own male and female children?  The answer here would be "Of course it has!" unless someone has been brave enough to do their own work to stop it in their own life and relationships.

Personal atonement, as strange as "that" may seem...is often a subconscious motivation to put oneself through the wringer of an actively abusive relationship dynamic.  The logic here goes something like this:  "Well, I'm a no good so-and-so anyway, so I deserve whatever punishment I get here or in the hereafter."  Yep, it can be like that too.  Years ago, friends ran into a man who was one of their community's beloved sons for decades.  During their short discussion, my friend asked this man if he thought about where he was going when he died.  This man immediately answered, "Oh, I already know I'm going to Hell."  She was surprised by his response and asked why he believed that was the case.  "I've done a lot in my life to deserve Hell", he said.  "It's too late now for me to change." As it turned out, he died unexpectedly the very next morning.  Personal atonement, whether actively pursued or not, represents one heck of a way to "resolve" one's own struggle with having been abused, or continuing to abuse others now...

If you or someone you know is involved in an abusive relationship, he or she may get real help right now by calling the following helplines:  1-800-799-7233 (Toll Free) or locally 1-734-416-1111.

Until next post....