Monday, October 31, 2011

My Uncle is Dying (Part II)

Facing my uncle alone for the first time was quite daunting considering it was just two weeks ago.  Without my aunt to run continuous interference, I know I was afraid in advance of even leaving my house to visit him!  What if he treated me the same way he treated her privately?  What if he gave me a look or said something like, "Why are you here?  Go away!"  Not that I could say I cared at this late date in his life...but these things did cross my mind.

Prior to actually going to see him, I was very VERY anxious.  I began asking for prayer support about a week before I thought I needed to finally relent and see him face-to-face.  So I asked a Bible study group I am in to begin praying for him and for our family;  I then asked several friends to be praying.  I also asked a physical therapist I befriended these past few months who turned out to be a youth pastor at his church.  Inotherwords, I asked for a LOT of prayer!

I had no idea what or when or how I would feel it was "o.k." timing-wise to go and see him.  He happened to be in the hospital after suffering complications for a medical issue identified at the rehab facility he was in.  So---after physical therapy last Saturday, I just came home and informed my husband I was going to the hospital to see him.  Right then.  Didn't even know then if I was doing the absolutely right thing in that moment---but I was pulled more towards going than I was into staying home.

So I went.  And when my uncle saw me, he was clearly shocked and surprised.  He asked where my aunt was (that would be at home! LOL!)...but then I just sat down close to him and suddenly found myself saying things I really never thought I would say to him EVER in my life.  Stuff like, "I know you had a rough life coming up uncle B".  Stuff that really dug deep into uncle B's past wounds, traumatic experiences, and damage.  I didn't know how or why, but suddenly uncle B started to cry.  I actually felt bad for him.  Like sorry for him for real.  Like oh my God this is like any other guy who thinks he knew how to live without any help from God and now gets it about how his choice screwed up his life and relationships royally!

To say I left there feeling exhausted is like saying I like my age spots.  I was completely and utterly worn out.  It really is hard having to present even harder truths to someone when they are 3/4 the way dead and both of you know that their own future eternity may not actually be as bright as once assumed!

I have visited my uncle twice more since that first visit and feel very hopeful about his future.  I believe he is coming to a clear understanding of what he can do to obtain inner peace before leaving this world and entering the next.  I also know his tears are not just for himself...but some of them are for me and the relationship he knows we never had.  Which is a good thing.  Tears are very cleansing and when it comes to the condition of one's soul----lots of tears can accomplish a lot of cleansing!

Until next time....

My Uncle is Dying...

My uncle is dying.  He's been dying for a while now (about three months' worth)...but he is also 97 and 3/4 years old so---wth?  (I'd type what I really wanted to say there...but I am trying to keep this blog PG-related as I work my way into 2012!) 

ANYWAY, my uncle's impending death has brought up MANY MANY old feelings (of mine) as I was first introduced to the man since my birth in 1956.  (He is my uncle by marriage;  he married my mother's only sister in the early 1950s...)  He and my aunt never had any children and uncle B actually retired the same year I graduated from high school.  Which was a long long a$$ time ago...

Uncle "B" was not scary as I was growing up...but he wasn't normal either.  Very continental...very polite..."foreign".....a neat freak....handsomely tall and thin in a Gregory Peck kinda way (his era, not mine!)...extremely NONverbal.....and yet definitely into dancing (and his own country's music!) big time.  These would be considered the "as normal as you can get" qualities of Uncle B.  What I didn't see then, but I have heard about and seen for myself during these past three months are his "pathological" qualities (meaning the stuff he thinks, says, or does that is truly messed up and beyond repair!).  Now you have to know ahead of time that the vast majority of information "about" Uncle B as a person has always been and still is passed on to me via his wife, my only aunt.  Before my mother died in 2007, she ALWAYS had something to say about Uncle B when given the chance (and believe me, 99.999% of what she felt about Uncle B as a person was NOT good at all!)  Grant it, the majority of this stuff about Uncle B was told to me when I was a little kid and young person still trapped within my parents' household.  After I got kicked out at age 18 (by my mother of course!), my mother didn't talk so much about Uncle B to me anymore because I wouldn't let her.  (She was notorious for taking turns making either my uncle, my aunt, myself, my father, or my brother "the enemy" on any given day or time of day!) 

Back to my aunt---who is currently 87 years old.  Who is bent over like a pretzel.  Who has been in denial for 60 years as to the "type" of man she was truly married to besides.  Needless to say, my seeing Uncle B "alone" and having a one-on-one conversation with him didn't occur until---oh let's see.  Two weeks ago!  (When I first saw him "alone" in the rehab facility where he's been housed these past few months.)

To say I am the last person who should be seeing my uncle during his dying days is beyond understatement.  He was not a good uncle to me.  He wasn't even any uncle to me.  He treated me, his only neice through my aunt's biological family, as not even an afterthought.  No thought.  No thought at all.  I ran away once to their home as a nine year old when I thought that begging them to let me live with them MIGHT help save me from my overtly abusive and alternately neglectful parents.  Instead of trying to comfort me or even talk to me...my uncle pointed at the telephone in their home and commanded my aunt in a stern tone of voice to "Call them now!"  Which she did.  Which led to my being beat down like pizza dough by my parents for "bothering them".  And which, as incidents go, my aunt conveniently "forgot about" when confronted with this information several times in recent history...

To say that my aunt was a slave to uncle B during their marriage is yet another beyond understatement of reality.  The woman could barely answer the phone if she was in the midst of "serving uncle B his cottage cheese" or "making uncle B his coffee", etc. etc.  If I had a dollar for everytime I heard her excuse herself away from the phone upon answering it (for reasons to do with "uncle B")...I would have never had to become a psychotherapist to finally "learn" how to communicate with her.

So now he's dying.  Uncle B that is.  And oh---did I forget to tell you how he gave away all of my aunt and uncle's nest egg over the past several years so as (in its way) to ensure someone "else" got their liquid assets (post his death of course) rather than my aunt?  Did I mention that to you yet?  Or are you at this moment, like I was when I first heard, thinking to yourself..."No!  Did she just say he gave away all their money to someone else so his wife of 60 years would NOT inherit it?!"

Yes, I did.  I really did.

So, there's the background.  Next time, how God has used me to "face" uncle B in recent weeks as God only can and has scripted...







Thursday, October 6, 2011

When the End is Near....

As I was news channel surfing yesterday, Steve Jobs' death was the obvious front and center headline on every cable news network.  One of the blurbs about Jobs that stood out for me was his last keynote speech at a college graduation ceremony.  Ironically, he spoke on a topic that was going to be the focus of my blog post today.  I don't know if Jobs knew that the topic he presented that day to his listening audience was the same topic that represents the #1 regret most common amongst the dying.  Maybe so, maybe not.  But here it is anyway for your own benefit...

"The courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.."

When people realize that their life is nearly over and can look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams, plans, and hopes have remained unfulfilled.  As  a psychotherapist, I have worked with the dying and know that this particular regret represents a sad commentary on what we "think" we have to be like in life in order to gain acceptance, approval, and love from those around us.  When a person doesn't know exactly "who" he or she is (what you believe to be true about God and who He is or is not...what you believe to be true about yourself...what you believe to be true about other people you care about...and what you believe to be true about other people you don't care about)---then you are setting yourself up for functioning like a proverbial chameleon.  You'll "be" whatever you need to be given the person or people you are with in order to keep the peace/get by/survive/maintain the status quo.

Sound confusing?  Not really.  When you don't know who you are, you'll be whatever or whomever other people say you should be.  Which is sad.  Very sad indeed.  How many clients have I seen in my practice who have felt railroaded by someone else regarding the career they ended up in, the spouse they ended up marrying, the kid(s) they ended up having, and/or the lifestyle they ended up living?  Plenty, that's how many.  And this stuff can happen very subtley I have to say.  Are you an adult child who just "knows" that if you come out (for example) as being gay, there goes your inheritance!?  In this case, his mom and dad never judged anyone else overtly for being gay;  as a matter of fact, there are others within the extended family who have identified themselves as gay and/or bisexual.  For my client (who is not a rocket scientist by the way!), all he had to recognize was how "differently" his gay and bisexual extended family members live relative to the rest of their family system.  Out of touch, out of state, and out of the fold.  See what I mean?  Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious because it's so subtle.

Not making a choice is just as much of a choice in the bigger picture of your life.  I have heard every excuse in the book as to why a person can't return to school, won't dump their loser boyfriend or girlfriend, will never return to rehab (RIP Amy W. by the way!).  Excuses are meaningless when time eventually runs out and all anyone has to reflect on is their "actual" past.  Not the past they dreamed of or the past they ignored, but the past they actually lived out until their time here on earth was no more.

Get courageous.  Figure out who you are and how your life really needs to go from this day forward.  And then do it.  One step at a time and one day at a time.





Sunday, October 2, 2011

All About "You Owe Me..."

When was the last time someone said to you, "You owe me!"  Did you ever stop to think WHY you would be targeted in such a way?  I mean, let's face it.  Doesn't the expression by its very nature presume that you (or I) took something from our accuser and now they want whatever back from you in return?  I know that's how I look at it.  So---when speaking with my elderly aunt the other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  With every request she made, she was basically also communicating to me this "You owe me!" mentality. 

I don't know about you, but it's very interesting to me how and why this mentality is so common amongst couples, friends, family members, and anyone else who has known one another for more than a minute.  For one thing, "you owe me" means that someone or another feels robbed.  On top of that, this same person believes they "know" who did the robbing!  And not only that, they want "justice" their own way!  Wow!  Talk about working against a judicial system that has already been established to handle such matters in a court of law!  What a way to live!  For the "You owe me!" accuser, it has to be extremely rough thinking up and ruminating (that would be thinking about something over and over again) on some "issue" before identifying your accused target.  And for the targets out there, it has to be hard wondering who wants a piece of your scalp next.  Just because you exist...just because you have "a better life"...or just because you are the nearest and most convenient target. 

Don't misunderstand me;  there are people out there who really DO legitimately "owe" someone a whole heck of a lot.  But that's not what this post today is about.  This post is about those who blindly point a finger and say, "Give it to me now because you have it and I don't!"  Really?!?  Now that's what I call robbery, plain and simple!

I've seen train wreck parents, long-term addicts, gangsters, and other n'er do wells play this card of "You owe me!" way too often in my personal and professional lives both.  But I've also seen this card played by adult survivors of (insert abuse history here), narcissistic and fantasy-driven dreamers, and anyone else who avoids personal responsibility at all costs.  Yes, that about sums it up.  The people who are so quick to say "You owe me!" are the same ones who believe someone else is responsible for their good week, their good day, their good moment...and very often, their good life.

Maybe this is a good time to think about all those people in your life who you DO believe "owe" you and why.  All of this thinking, I hate to say it, is part of the process of removing yourself from that throne you established when creating your Empire of the Self.

Until we meet again...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Inheritances....

Whenever I work with clients on discovering the important lessons from their past (typically childhood), I will often begin by asking them to share their memorable family stories.  I also mention that these stories may have been told to them by their parent(s) or other close "adult" relatives;  they may also reflect what my client actually experienced while growing up in his or her family of origin. 

Take Joe for example.  When we started on this journey, he said he didn't remember much and had no family stories he could think of.  This happens too.  What I did instead was begin to ask him about his grandparents and whether or not he remembered either of them.  That was all it took.   Joe spent the next hour telling me about his grandfather who behaved monstrously towards his male grandchildren.  Having been this field for several years, even I was shocked at the "stories" Joe shared about the physical abuse Joe's grandfather perpetrated on his grandsons (including Joe himself).  Joe told me about the time his grandfather, uncle, Joe, and his young male cousin were driving along a road in their grandfather's truck.  To make a long story short, Joe's uncle flung a heavy metal object out his window at the driver in the next car.  Joe watched the object make contact with that driver's head and then witnessed the driver's head hit the steering wheel as Joe's grandfather sped off.  This story is one of the "milder" ones Joe relayed to me. 

Now let me tell you a bit about Joe.  I could never figure out upon first meeting Joe why he was so "highly defended" generally speaking.  That's psycho-babble for being on the defensive.  I'm used to tattoos, so that didn't surprise me;  however, I have to say that Joe was sporting more than the average bear.  Head, neck, arms, legs---the only area where Joe had not been tattooed was his face.  Now if you are wondering how I am linking the mention of Joe's tattoos to my observation of his being highly defended, please allow me to clarify for you.  You see, when it comes to tattoos, it isn't the tattoo itself that's an issue.  It's the subject/object presented via the tattoo that we must pay attention to.  As a matter of fact, I plan on getting a tattoo myself next trip to Maui.  But unlike Joe, I won't be ordering up a rabid dog's head...or a demon/female/gargoyle (whatever in the hell it was!)...or the word "Murderer" either.  See what I mean?  Gotta pay attention! 

Which is the point of this post today about inheritances.  If I hadn't asked and listened to Joe about the "stories" he shared with me about his grandfather---I really wouldn't have any idea how Joe grew up to be such an angry and highly defended young man.  But now I know.  Of course, Joe's grandfather wasn't the only monster in Joe's family of origin;  his uncle died in prison.  His cousin is in prison now.  His mother wears the scars inflicted upon her by her father.  And oh by the way, Joe's mother is quite the pistol-packin' mama herself when irritated.  See what I mean about inheritances?  Just like eye color and body build...coping with stress through violence is just another example of what we can pass on through the gene pool with each passing generation.

Thankfully Joe is all about changing that.  I have every confidence he will be successful in breaking the cycle of violence that began within his family long before even his grandfather showed up.
 
Every October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.  The hotline receives nearly 24,000 calls every month.  Stop the madness now.  It begins with just one call.