Pulling the Trigger

I get it about standing at the crossroads of some major decision in one's life.  I think we all do.  Regardless if the decision yet to be made is based on a new opportunity...or an old problem...not everyone is adept at pulling their own trigger of decision.  Why is this?  Why are we so hesitant to do what we know deep down is the right-est thing to do?  Today's blog post addresses our reluctance to move ourselves past our present situation and into new, and uncharted, territory.

In recent weeks, talk show host Wendy Williams has been a focus of great media scrutiny.  To make a very long story short, Wendy is the host of "The Wendy Williams Show" on daytime t.v..  You either love her...or hate her.  There is no middle ground.  She begins each program with her "How YOU doin'?!" shtick.  She is a big girl (nearly 6' tall) who wears a different wig every day...and who is known for telling it like it is.  As in telling the "truth" about celebrities and their goings on as part of her "Hot Topics" opening segment each day.  I happen to like her....but it is clear her personal life in recent months has eclipsed any celebrity drama she has ever presented on her show....

Wendy isn't pulling the trigger...or at least not as of this writing.  Her husband and manager has allegedly been involved in a decade-old affair with a 30 year old woman, who just had his baby (allegedly!) this past Monday somewhere in Pennsylvania.  Wendy, by the way, is 54 years old, her husband is 47, and they share a son who is college age.  Beyond the alleged facts about Wendy's husband's affair, it is believed that Wendy's husband bankrolled his girlfriend's house nearby to where he and Wendy share their home...along with the girlfriend's training as a certified masseuse.  Whatever.  I mean if Wendy wasn't famous in her own right, would anyone care?  Not really.  Couples (sadly!) are agreeing more and more to this type of crazy arrangement as the new generations pop up to replace the one(s) who came before them.  But that's another story for another blog post.  (By the way, a friend just told me the other day that he and his wife were in Miami not too long ago...and some random couple from another country approached them at the bar for sex.  WTF?!  But hey---it was Miami and this is 2019!  God help us all!)

What nobody has anticipated about this Wendy situation is how Wendy, herself, has been throwing herself under the bus as we have all watched it unfold on her daytime talk show.  I know I am not getting the sequence correct here, but I remember watching her one day dressed up like Lady Liberty..and then she starts teetering and tottering on air like she was about to pass out.  That was the first "What up?!" I remember thinking.  That was several months ago.  Then she made a statement about having been diagnosed with Graves disease and needing treatment for that.  Then she slurred her words while addressing her audience on another show;  that was attributed to medication use associated with fracturing her arm or shoulder or whatever it was.  THEN she was off the air for a couple of months with a series of guest hosts standing in for her (which I didn't watch, by the way!).  When she returned, she stood by her man (shout out to Tammy Wynette God rest her soul!)...and then the next thing we know, she's telling us on air she's living in a sober house in Queens....she's struggling with ??? (that wasn't ever made clear but she admits to having had a former problem with cocaine use and abuse)...and then after her husband's alleged mistress dropped that baby this past Monday, Wendy was reported to have been rushed to the hospital the other night.  Why?  Allegedly she bounced herself out of the sober house and found her way back to Jersey where she resides and got herself intoxicated.

OK...if the term "sh** show" hasn't yet entered your mind as you read this, give me a call and let me help you out with that o.k.?  I feel extremely bad for Wendy;  I think we all do who know and love her work.  She obviously LOVES her husband above and beyond the call of duty if any of these allegations are accurate...but this self-destructive behavior is NOT GOOD by any stretch of the imagination!  It just isn't!  I am reminded of all the women I have seen (or have known personally!) who have behaved in a similar enough manner when confronted with their husband's alleged "drama" in whatever form that takes...or took at the time.  Infidelity...drinking...gambling....white collar criminal behavior....sexual assault....even murder.  I mean---at what point does a woman stand up for herself and say "Enough is enough!"  At what point does a woman pull that trigger and say "I'm done here and it's time to move on.." and then really do it?

I don't know Wendy or her husband.  For all I know, Wendy might be a whole other kind of woman behind closed doors.  Who knows?  What I do know is that nobody deserves to be treated...or treat themselves in a way that is unbecoming to them.  (Shout out to Dr. Phil!)

For anyone who finds themselves in a relationship scenario that they feel overwhelmed by, that's what psychotherapy with a licensed professional is for.  To help you wade through the muck and get to the truth of your circumstances...so you can make the best decision for yourself and/or your minor child(ren).   We all are works in progress until the day we die, but if we don't know how to do our own work...or keep resisting doing what's right for ourselves right now...nothing is going to change.  And that may be the absolutely worst outcome of all.

Until next post...

If you need help for your own problem(s) with addiction and/or mental health, there is a toll free national hotline to call. It is 1-800-662-HELP.  You will then be referred to the right number to contact for your specific issue of concern (such as sex addiction, opioid use, gambling, suicidal ideation, domestic violence, etc.).

Spring Has Sprung; Got Adrenaline Rush?

Today is the first day of Spring.  Yesterday I noticed a full moon when driving back to work.  Here we go!  For the uninitiated, Spring represents that time of year when the hormones of humanity begin to wake up after their long winter's nap.  And what does THAT mean?  It means that for many of us, we feel the fever of our need for stimulation.  Call it what you will;  Spring fever = adrenaline rushing on demand for many of us who seek such stimulation.  The problem arises when we are (a) not consciously aware of our present state of mind in this regard and (b) we are willing to obtain that adrenaline rush at a price above rubies.

The things we do and the relationships we allow in order to feel that "rush" of adrenaline when we seek it is often lost to us.  "Why do I stay with him when he's so unpredictable and can be so mean?", asked someone recently.  Well, when love-bombing gets mixed up with accusatory rants, sudden disappearances (perhaps for days), and returns home with champagne and flowers---what would you do?  Yes, being with a Cluster B'er can be like that;  these are the dramatic and erratic folks among us who know how to charm just as effortlessly as they know how to cut very deep.  It is never easy to be with a man or a woman who can take you to the highest of high places emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically...but can also throw you into the sh** without blinking.  Such unpredictability affects not only the amount and frequency with which the adrenaline in our bodies is released;  it also affects the ways in which our brain functions.  Kind of like classical conditioning with Pavlov's dogs.  You hear him or her coming in through the front door---and you start to salivate!  Ultimately, our complicated relationships and the adrenaline rushes that accompany them will no doubt harm us more than they help us.  We become less and less focused on our own self-care...and more and more focused on "Where's Waldo?" (Or Joe, or Jill, or Fred!)  God help us if minor children are involved in this hot mess;  all they learn is that nothing and nobody else matters but making sure that (insert name of person here!) is here...and is being "good" today.  (How freaking sad is that I ask you?!)

If you are in a complicated relationship, if you are involved with a person who treats you like you don't matter (because you don't!) at times....believe that person.  He or she has other higher priorities than your relationship with one another, and your mutual personal happiness.  If you need the stimulation of an adrenaline rush, consider taking up some hobbies or interests that will give you that same degree of "rush" on demand without hurting you or your kids (if you have them).  Who knows what will work for you;  everybody is different.  I'd never sky dive, but I know people who would and do.  I'd never bungee jump, but I'll zip line anytime.  Camp Dearborn (Milford MI) opened MI's longest zip line just this past year;  you can bet I'll be there when it reopens later this Spring.  Whatever it is you can do to stimulate yourself and your central nervous system that is NOT harmful to you emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically---go ahead.  Do it.  It beats being in a dysfunctional relationship that has the high potential to transform YOU and/or your kids into people you don't recognize months or years from now....

Having said all this, emphasize the messages presented here by 10,000,000 if that "person" in your life who is so unpredictable is also an active addict.  Why?  Because when you combine an active addiction with a personality disorder and/or major mental illness (like an undiagnosed and untreated major mood disorder)….the sh** will fly!  Now you have what we call a dual-diagnosis situation;  the person is not only addicted to "whatever"...but also struggling with mental illness.  This isn't good.  For all the ??? out there about mental health in recent years "Why did this happen?"  "How could he/she/they have..???"  Very easily actually.  When someone becomes more invested in getting what they want on demand, their empathy and compassion for others goes down the toilet.  It's that simple.  The truth also goes down, as the lies increase.  Ultimately, the person you "thought" you knew back when you first met---he or she is gone.  Their illness/addiction and desired lifestyle has taken over.  Read the memo.  Believe what you see.  Walk away before the worst happens.

Yes, I'm known for my bluntness.  But I'm also not naïve to the game.  I grew up in an environment where evil was present...and I smelled its breath on many more than one occasion.  I think one problem we have in our culture is we don't want to believe what is true about evil...and how any of us can evolve into evil people over time.  Even Hitler, after all, gave great parties.

Think about what you have been willing to do to experience that adrenaline rush in your life and personal relationships.  It's one thing to stimulate yourself in a healthy-enough way that won't hurt anyone else (including you!);  it's quite another when you volunteer yourself or your family to be thrown under someone else's Mack truck of dysfunction...

Until next time.