Saturday, April 8, 2017

Why The Worst Thing(s) Matter(s)....

As for me, I can remember lying down behind the sectional sofa as a tiny child watching the feet of my parents walk in and out of our living room.  If those feet kept moving without any major noise to accompany them, then perhaps I could disentangle myself from back there and go somewhere else in the house.  But if the feet stopped...and the noises escalated...I wasn't moving an inch.  This is one of my earliest memories from around the age of three.  How about you? And what's the point of remembering these kind(s) of things from your past?  Do our memories of the worst things that occurred in our past matter?  If so, why?  Well, this is what today's blog post is all about;  why the worst things from our personal history DO matter...

As any of my clients will tell you, I do share relevant snippets from my own life in making points to assist clients with their own therapeutic process.  It isn't the content of what I share that matters...it is how what I have shared may trigger a memory in them from their own history.  Just like the introductory paragraph to my post today...there are many reading this who may also remember "hiding" from their parents' fights as small children. My spot happened to be behind that sweet spot of our sectional sofa that was pushed up against a corner wall.  Even though it took decades for me to finally learn the lessons from my parents' fighting lifestyle, I still didn't want to face those lessons in lieu of piles of additional memories and first-hand accounts from my mother and aunt both.  

And this is why the worst things that have happened to us matter.  Because of the lessons that are there and that we DO need to recognize and apply to our present lives now.  Without the lessons, we are truly doomed to repeat what we won't acknowledge and can't heal as a result.

For me, the fighting that went on between my parents was my focus for a long time.  I didn't know or care what their fighting was specifically over or about;  I was too young to know that he didn't work enough in her mind and she spent way too much money in his.  I didn't know that she was extremely insecure and wanted favorable attention pretty much 24/7, and he just wanted to do what he wanted to on any given day.  All I knew was to scan the environment (always!) to determine if the switch was turned "Off" versus "On" within either of them.

How my parents' fighting affected me personally started in grade school.  I was bullied over being the tallest and the fattest and for wearing the "clodhopper" shoes.  That didn't last too long.  I can literally remember figuring out in my own head that life was horrible enough at home so it was NOT going to be horrible as well in school!  No way!  So even when the baddest and meanest bully (boy) in our class came after me in second grade, I was ready.  I didn't know how to fight like my parents, but I could sure go for it anyway next time "R" called me his favorite nickname for me.  I remember telling "R" I was going to kill him...and I meant it.  Grant it, I didn't know how I would kill him or when I would kill him...but I would figure that out later.  Remember now, I was in second grade and so was "R". What's that tell you?  It tells you my parents taught me well up to that point in my life.  All too well as a matter of fact!

What about you?  What did your parents teach you about the "best" way to settle disagreements or resolve problems between two people?  Perhaps yours fought like mine;  perhaps yours were silent and said or did nothing at all.  And what are the lessons for us from having these patterns of behavior modeled to us?  I'm telling you...it's important to know what we came from and what we learned when we didn't even realize we were learning!  

When I see individuals who struggle with specific addictive processes, I always make a point to ask where they learned to use an eating disorder...or drinking...or smoking pot...or gambling...or having sex with anybody...as a "proper" means of coping with their stress and problems.  Invariably, very few readily make the connection between how one or both of their parents/adult role models heavily influenced their own future choices.  I can remember one client with a wicked eating disorder mentioning at the near end of our session how her mother "popped Ayds like candy".  Back in the day "Ayds" was an appetite suppressant that came in the form of little chocolate squares wrapped in wax paper and boxed like fancy candy.  As we talked more about her mother's eating and subsequent Ayds habits, my client suddenly realized something she hadn't before.  "My God she taught me how to starve myself!"  Yes, that was about right.  Once my client was able to see how her alternate stuffing-and-then-starving lifestyle was formed..it was easier for her to move past it and eat more gently and in a more balanced manner as part of her own recovery regime.

Few of us want to recall the worst things we've been through, but which is worse?  To keep glossing over what happened...and then repeat it through our own modern day interpretation of the same narrative? That's how we get into the re-enactment habit by the way.  We try to subconsciously "fix" now what we couldn't fix back then as kids...but instead of fixing it, we just cause ourselves more drama and strife in our present day lives.

Talking to a licensed professional psychotherapist can help here.  Don't despise what you've been through; you needed the lessons.  We all needed the lessons.






Friday, April 7, 2017

Receiving the Short End...

There are many of us in this life who have gotten used to receiving the short end of most sticks.  That is to say we are not well understood enough, not respected enough, and not assertive enough to ensure that our own needs are being satisfied to a reasonable extent.  Put another way, we put up with all sorts of crap because we are afraid of being dumped or estranged from (insert name of person who matters more than we do here)...

Today's blog post is about turning this trend around in our own lives, which begins by recognizing when we are, in fact, taking hold of the short end of any stick.

Let's take a look at "Susan" (not her real name) and "Jeff" (ditto!).  They have been boyfriend and girlfriend for over 30 years.  Both were previously married, both divorced.  Jeff has grown children;  Susan has none. For Susan, meeting Jeff back in the day was magical because he personified all that she hoped for in a partner.  He was ruggedly handsome, had a Harley and liked to ride, and didn't put up with anybody else's garbage.  Susan was of course shocked that Jeff even looked twice in her direction when they first met;  she had been through a string of broken relationships with men who cheated on her.  To have someone as "hot" as Jeff showing an interest made Susan feel like she was ten feet tall.  So they began dating...and dating some more...and before six months were up, Jeff moved into Susan's apartment.

As you read this brief introductory synopsis into Susan and Jeff's initial meeting and relationship...are there any red flags that pop up for you?  There should be.  Jeff, for one thing, has been perceived as a "prize" in Susan's mind.  Susan, for another thing, doesn't think much of herself as a prize of any sort.   Susan has a history with men who cheated.  Susan feels real good about herself by having Jeff around.  Susan takes Jeff into her home within six months' time.  And 30 years later...there they still are.

Susan always wanted to be married and have a family.  She talked about having children of her own ever since she was 18 years old.  "I wanted ten kids back then...kind of funny to realize now how idealistic I was about children."  Yet---when Susan was 30 years old and met Jeff, she neglected to tell him about her dream of one day having children of her own.  "Well, he already had three kids and would talk about them and his ex wife like they were always squeezing him for more of everything."  Another red flag.  Susan never mentioned her desire for children because Jeff's narrative already included them and he didn't seem too happy about it.

Over time, Susan learned to bend herself more to Jeff's will than her own.  "Jeff is a great guy, don't get me wrong...but he has no problem saying "NO!" to anything he isn't interested in."  What about Susan?  Is she equally assertive about what she does or doesn't want?  "Well, I just figured that Jeff being so larger than life as he is...there wasn't really room for a woman to be butting heads with him.  Actually, that's what caused him to divorce his first wife anyway.  She was a horrible nag."  Red flag!  Red flag!  Red flag!  Yet, did Susan see these flags?  Of course not.  In spite of 30 years living under Susan's roof, in spite of their lives being an homage to all that Jeff was about and interested in, and in spite of Susan's own string of ongoing disappointments about what she hoped for, wanted, and needed---but rarely received, Susan was still "in it to win it" with Jeff.

The term doormat comes to mind, as does codependent giver/martyr, as does woman without a clue. BUT...it's Susan's life right?  If she wants to be consistently receiving the short end of any stick, so she shall for as long as it's there for her to grab onto.

What about you?  Are you someone who has put up with everything and anything...while standing for nothing, least of all yourself?  Why is that?  Do you want help for this issue in your life?  If so, that's what I and others like me are here for:  to provide assistance in getting you from where you are now---to that better place and space inside yourself.  You matter.  You have always mattered.  Perhaps it's time to get the right kind of help so you can learn to take the best care of YOU without first accepting that short end...

Until next time.