Quotable Quotes...from the Front Lines

I had a wall in my former office which was used for the express purpose of posting all the quotable quotes shared with me over the past several years.  Some of these quotes came from clients;  others from sources I had either read or heard of elsewhere.  The most recent just came through an email sent to me earlier today.  

Quotable quotes from the front have helped me to practice what I have preached both personally and professionally speaking.  Here's hoping that sharing them with you now has a similar effect...

"Get up.  Dress up.  Show up."

"ACT!  STOP!  RELAX!  THINK!  (And you wonder why you have problems?!)"

"STOP!  RELAX!  THINK!  ACT!  (Now that's better!)"

"When nothing changes, nothing changes."

"He's been in a fog since Sherlock Holmes."

"We all teach others how to treat us."

"He who cares the least knows how to control the most."

"When the horse is dead, by all means get off!"

"Transmitting your pain onto other people is easy to do.  Being transformed by your pain into a better person is not so easy to do."

"If he was any more immature, he'd still be in the womb."

"Denial is when you steal someone's wallet and then help them look for it later."

"Sex is like the icing on a cake.  The cake is the emotional and spiritual intimacy you share."

"How is anybody else going to truly understand you if you don't even truly understand you?!"

"If everybody else owes you something, then what do you owe them?"

"Nobody learns how to comfortably serve others by becoming comfortable with being served by others."

"She's the master of the one-note song:  ME ME ME ME ME!"

"Living in the past is like digging up your yard in search of buried treasure..when you live on a landfill!"

"Looking back at the past is o.k. when you have lessons there you need to learn and haven't yet."

"Worry is like a rocking chair;  it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere."

"Untreated anxiety is like being buried alive at the same time you are desperately breathing through a paper straw."

"The only person you can change is you.  The only person I can change is me."

"There is no true healing without true humility."

"Believing that substance use and abuse is a cure for anxiety is like trying to put out a raging fire with your own spit."

"Funny how what we are attracted to in the beginning is what we hate most by the time we split up."

"Love is the answer.  But so is the truth.  Together, they make the most beautiful music."

"When moments of true joy happen, there is always an element of surprise involved."

"Spirituality is like the wet part of the ocean."

"Laughter is good medicine.  Try laughing more often.  It works."

"Surrender is that small space between acceptance and change."

"She put the "hot" in Psyc-hot-ic!"

"Keep talking.  I'm diagnosing you."

"FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real."

"Not my monkeys.  Not my zoo.  Not my responsibility."

"Expectations are premeditated resentments."

"To lie is to say "I don't want to understand you..and I don't want to be understood by you either."

"Poor me...poor me....pour me another drink!"

"It's one thing to be in a crisis;  it's a whole other thing to stay in it for 27 years!"

"Nobody becomes a better person because of their abuse;  they become better people in spite of it!"

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."

"Codependency is when the round hole in your head perfectly fits with the square peg in his."

"I may live in hell, but at least I know the names of all the streets!"

"To be comfortably familiar with crisis, chaos,and mayhem is like wearing shoes two sizes too small.

They hurt like hell but you keep on walking everywhere in them anyway."

"There is a God;  newsflash!  You're not Him!"

"Learn to live in your present moments;  it's the most important gift you have during these 24 hours."

"You won't heal what you won't recognize."

"Recognize...Repent...and Repair.  The new three "Rs'" to remember always."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Boundary-giving (Preparing for the Holidays)!

Families and extended families during the holidays.  You gotta love them.  If I had a nickel for every story I have heard about obnoxious brothers-in-law, drunken siblings, whacked out grannies, and controlling mother-in-laws, I could have retired ten years ago.  Today's blog post is about how to prepare yourself, and your boundaries for the upcoming holidays.  Forget about all the speeches or articles you may have heard or read about "stress reduction".  This is the blog post for you today.  When you can create and maintain proper boundaries for yourself in spite of everything else going on around you between now and New Year's...you'll be good.  And I do mean good!  So let's get started....

So, let's begin with being clear on what boundaries actually are.  Imagine yourself in a beautiful yard that you own.  Creating boundaries for yourself begins by putting up a fence (with a gate!) around your yard. Without this fence or gate, anyone would be able to come into your yard whenever they felt like it and do whatever they felt like doing.  Starting a fire.....making a mess....chopping down your trees.....pilfering your flower beds..etc. etc.  Creating the fence with the gate means that YOU have control over who and what you let into your yard and when.  It also means that you are free to establish the ground rules relative to the behaviors you will not tolerate when others are allowed into your yard.  These same principles are true with creating your boundaries.  Boundaries are not a bad thing; boundaries are a good thing.  By creating and maintaining proper boundaries for yourself (and/or with your partner and child(ren)), you let others know when they can come into your yard...as well as what you will not tolerate while they are in your yard.  Sound simple enough?  Good!

Let's segue now to the upcoming holidays.  Here's a question I've heard a thousand times from clients over the years:  "What am I supposed to do about my (insert nature of relation here) who can't ever sit down to a family dinner without (insert offensive behavior here)?"  Uncles who get too drunk....sister who can't shut up about her sex life....mother-in-law who criticizes daughter-in-law about her parenting....son who always shows up two hours late for dinner like it's no big deal...etc. etc. etc.

When establishing boundaries as an individual or as a family over the holidays...first be clear on what behavior(s) are absolutely intolerable.  Just as schools have established "Bully Free Zones"...you and your family can establish a "_____-Free Zone" relative to offensive behaviors you no longer have to tolerate individually, or as a family.

For example, let's say cousin Ricky has a history of being physically abusive towards his other cousins because he has "issues".  Your kids have cried countless times over the years as they run up and scream, "Cousin Ricky just slapped me in the face!"  "Cousin Ricky just tripped Billy!"  "Cousin Ricky is holding down Sally on the bed and says he's going to spit on her face!"  Listen folks.  Leaving at-risk kids unattended and unsupervised at family events is like starting a fire in the middle of the living room and waiting to see if the rain will come to put it out.  A family event is NOT the time to just let kids run wild or do whatever "in private" without any adult eyes watching.  Yet it happens way too often in way too many households.  Do you want to know how many incidences I have heard about involving kids who grew up and then told me, 5, 10, or 15 years later how their own version of "cousin Ricky" molested them...gave them drugs...beat them...verbally abused them, etc. etc.?  I'm not kidding.  Wake up and set the boundaries you need to there.  If you don't have to courage to do so, then shame on you for caring more about "what other people think" than what's best for yourself, your own family, and your family's children.

Alcoholic relatives is another biggie issue during the holidays.  Sure, alcoholics are not dumb.  They can drink all they want before they get to your house.  But that doesn't mean that they can keep drinking while at your house.  Another "set the boundary" issue that is not so difficult to do and put into practice.  Offer a good variety of non-alcoholic beverages...things people attending the event may not have tried before.  Hasn't anyone heard of LaCrox water, ICE brand flavored waters, higher-end sodas (the brand eludes me now but they always come in a four-pack).  Clear out and put away all of your own alcohol in a place where it can't be found by guests.  Yes, even the inside of washing machines in a locked laundry room have been used for this purpose.  Your household does not "owe" your guests alcoholic beverages if you choose not to offer them.  Period.  And for those who want to be obnoxious about the boundary you have set here, let them. The only fool in the room at that moment is the fool who is expressing his or her anger about "Where's the booze?!"

All things sexual at the table.  Another issue.  As a matter of fact, I just read the other week about a polyamorous adult daughter who wants to bring her boyfriend AND her girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner this year at her aunt's house.  And people think to get offended by the U of M and Michigan State rivalry!  HA! This polyamorous stuff is only beginning in the generations of holiday family events to come.  So...what do you do when THIS happens or when Uncle Charlie starts yabbering on about breast implants...or cousin Sue wants to discuss Caitlyn Jenner and the details of gender reassignment surgery.  Again, we all have a voice and we have to practice using it.  If you are instantly confused, angered, or frightened by what you hear, here is the good rule of thumb:  "WHAT MADE YOU SAY THAT JUST NOW?"  "CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?"  "I HEAR YOU TALKING BUT I SURE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAID WHAT YOU JUST DID.  CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME NOW?"  etc. etc.  Let Uncle Charlie or cousin Sue or your polyamorous niece tell you why they have sex-on-the-brain in that moment.  Even if they don't know, it may inspire them to shut up and change the subject.

Boundaries.  You gotta love them.  They work.  We just have to create them and maintain them that's all.

And don't eat too much turkey at the table either!  ;-)

Until next time...

Alphabet Kids...and I Don't Mean A Soup!

Probably one of the greatest "classic" books written about kids with "issues" is Alphabet Kids:  From ADD to Zellweger Syndrome, written by Robbie Woliver back in 2009.  The book serves as a guide to the developmental, neurobiological, and psychological disorders (of children) for parents and professionals.  As Woliver explains, alphabet kids have disorders that are often concurrent, interconnected, or mistaken for one another.  He uses as an example the frequent combination of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), SID (Sensory Integration Disorder), and ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).  "If a doctor only diagnoses one condition, he or she may have missed others."  Woliver covers more than 70 different childhood disorders in his book, providing information on causes, cures, treatments, and prognoses.

As a mental health clinician, it is one thing to be given the opportunity to screen, test for, and then treat a child with one or more diagnosed disorders.  The bigger issue I have noticed are the number of parents who I will never meet...because they have chosen to ignore and/or deny their child's physical, emotional, and/or behavioral symptoms.  This is a bigger problem in my own professional opinion, than the disorder(s) themselves.

As an LLP psychologist and parent, it continues to astound me as to the lengths parents will go to in avoiding what cannot be avoided indefinitely.  One of the great truths with ANY childhood disorder is to obtain professional intervention as EARLY as possible.  Without it, it is too easy for both the parents and child involved to develop bad habits that work against the child's ability to be successfully treated and managed by the appropriate professionals.  Kind of like the child with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) who may have made it through driving lessons, but is now terrified to drive any further than a mile or two from home. Eventually, and without proper intervention, this child will end up being that adult who doesn't drive at all. Untreated anxiety issues, as just one example, can lead to all sorts of self-imposed limitations that are harder to break as time passes by.

I am reminded of a sunny Saturday afternoon when I was at a local strip mall some 30 years ago.  I witnessed a boy about eleven years old jump out of a car just as it parked---then run blindly across the parking lot making unintelligible and extremely loud noises.  This can be typical of nonverbal and cognitively impaired children who have been diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and are known to be "runners".  (Children with ASD who have the habit of running without warning and self-awareness of the danger involved.)  Yet this can also be true of a child who has a hearing impairment, who hasn't been appropriately treated for it, who also has ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder), and who may be actively abused and/or neglected at home.  Without proper and early intervention, and then the ongoing professional intervention necessary to treat and/or manage the child....crisis, chaos, and mayhem may become comfortably familiar companions.  Which is not a good plan.

Nobody wants to imagine their child as having a condition or disorder that isn't going to go away on its own. We are not wired as people to quickly accept difficult challenges we would rather not face.  Denial is a protective device, but parents in denial about their child(ren)'s developmental, neurobiological, and/or psychological disorders do their kids more harm than good.

That is why Woliver's book is such a valuable resource.  Alphabet Kids:  From ADD to Zellweger Syndrome by Robbie Woliver.  At the very least, reading the book may be a first step---in the right direction ---in helping your child get the right help he or she needs.

Until next post...

Why Negotiating Your Needs Can Lead to War....

Last post, I spoke about how any close personal relationship involves an ongoing series of negotiations and compromises till death us do part.  When the process works, the parties involved have been successful at getting some or all of their respective needs met by one another on an ongoing-enough basis.   They have also been successful at authentically understanding one another's needs in that present moment so as to make the successful compromises that they do make.  Over time, this mutual understanding is the foundation for authentic emotional intimacy between any two people.  No one understand him like you do, and nobody understands you like he does.

When attempts at negotiating our own needs' satisfaction seems to fail over and over again and/or instantly leads to war between the parties involved...the fly in that ointment is a lack of mutual understanding.
Are you surprised by this statement?  You shouldn't be.  People who make a habit of making sure their own needs are satisfied more often than not are pretty lousy at authentically understanding the needs of their "other".  Why should they?  If we don't allow ourselves to understand what someone else genuinely needs from us, let alone what has been sacrificed on their part for our own needs satisfaction...authentic guilt may become an unwelcome companion in our own lives.  And who wants that?

This unwillingness to acknowledge and understand the needs of "the other" during any negotiation process is why and how wars get started in the first place---regardless if these wars occur between countries, between neighbors, or between couples claiming to be in love with one another.  When the attempt at negotiating needs' satisfaction goes quickly to war...this means literally that one or both parties have no interest in mutually understanding each other "now" because...???  Because of the built-up anger, resentment, and bitterness that has been brought to the table by one or both individual(s).

Yet it isn't just the selfish taker who is responsible for this lack of mutual understanding as part of the negotiation and subsequent compromise process.  It is also the selfless giver who is equially responsible for driving any negotiation of needs process into the ditch on a routine enough basis.

Examples are always good at a time like this.  Joe and Sue have been married for a year.  They just had a baby six months ago.  Sue has noticed that Joe is having a very difficult time bonding with the baby.  He seems to perform the perfunctory duties when he leaves for work in the morning, "..bye bye little boy!  I love you!"...and when he comes home at night, "...where's my big strong boy?  Daddy's home!"  But other than a once-in-a-while rocking, diaper change, and/or feeding...Joe, in Sue's opinion, is pretty much UNinvolved in baby Connor's life.

What would you do given that you were in Sue's shoes?  Would you just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best?  Would you say to yourself, "Well, the mother raises the kids anyway so what am I complaining about?"  Would you wait another six months and let your festering disappointment over Joe's lack of involvement transform into something bigger like anger and/or resentment towards Joe?  Would you just forget about it because Joe would get mad at you?  What exactly would you do...if anything?

THIS is why negotiating your own needs' satisfaction in your close personal relationships is so important!  We teach people how to treat us by our own choices!  Nobody knows what is upsetting you, or causing you to feel afraid, or confused, or angry...because nobody can READ YOUR MIND!  Not even your spouse...not even your best friend...not even your mother or father, sister or brother.  If you don't know what you want or need, you will only end up getting what others feel like giving you!

At one end of this spectrum are all those people who expect that they deserve and should get whatever they want and need whenever they feel like having it.  At the other end are all those people who live in such fear of rejection...such fear of conflict...such fear of confrontation and compromise...that they give up their own personal power at the drop of ANY hat.

As such, how can there be ANY mutual understanding if you have one person whose personal mantra is "GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" and the other's mantra is "PLEASE DON'T REJECT ME EVER!"  What a combo!  No wonder so many couples and families end up in the ditch over the course of time.  Nobody is negotiating anything much, and still are left feeling hurt, angry, lonely, and guilty a LOT of the time.

Negotiating your needs for the codependent taker in you means that you STOP and LISTEN to what your partner is saying about what they need and want from you.  If they don't know how to say it clearly enough, help them out by asking "What do you mean by that?  Can you tell me more about what that means?  Can you give me examples of what it is you are saying you need from me?"  Until you truly and deeply and authentically understand what your partner needs...it is only then when you can begin to negotiate and offer compromises based on the HONEST conversation that has gone on between you.  Memo:  even if your partner doesn't say anything, you can always ask "Honey, is there anything that you need from me now?"

Negotiating your needs for the codependent giver in you means that you IDENTIFY and EXPRESS exactly what it is you do need and want from your partner...and in a timely manner oh by the way.  Don't be so quick to surrender your needs in order to avoid this type of stretching (of yourself!).  Throwing yourself under the bus doesn't mean you will get your own need(s) met next time around.  Read the following and commit it to memory to inspire yourself in this regard:

"Nobody learns how to comfortably serve others by becoming comfortable with being served by others."

Your "goal" of modeling your own method of needs' satisfaction to your partner isn't going to work when all you are doing is teaching him or her how to become more selfish.  Negotiating and compromise is its own work;  nobody learns how to do it successfully in any close personal relationship when your role in it is either surrendering too quickly, taking too often, or engaging in war too easily.

Until next time...

 




 

Negotiate...Compromise...Surrender...or War?

When you think about it, every close personal relationship involves a series of negotiations and a series of compromises.  This is the goal of any successful negotiation process.  Both parties "win" something that they want and/or have asked for from the other person.  The compromises that have been made by both parties leads to a "win/win" outcome.  This is also the same process involved when two people are "resolving" an issue that they have with each other---or with other people as a couple.

Before I go one step further, may I mention that there are plenty of people among us who don't even see or recognize the importance of negotiation and compromise as part of any close personal relationship.  They may get it at work...they may even engage in it frequently at work.  But to invest themselves in understanding others very well (on a personal level)..or in being understood by others very well...forget it.  They just don't want to invest the time and energy in some or all of that.  This is why, unfortunately, so many couples who come into see me are like "Huh?!" when we start discussing negotiating needs satisfaction in their relationship with each other.  Invariably, one will say "I just give him whatever he wants!" or "Negotiate?!  What's to negotiate?!  I just do whatever she tells me to do!"  Not a good plan.  This means whomever is throwing themselves under the bus in the name of "love" really and truly doesn't think much of themselves in the way(s) that they should for a start. I'm just sayin...

So...as a first "goal"...any negotiation of needs satisfaction requires discussion (with respect!)...mutual understanding (with more respect!)...and mutual compromise.

When the negotiation process does not lead to compromises where each person in the relationship feels like they are getting enough of their present need(s) met to some extent---then this is when "surrender" enters the picture.

With the act of surrender, one person gets some, most, or all of what they need(ed) or want(ed) in the present moment...while the other person has surrendered.  The person who has surrendered has stopped negotiating for what they, themselves, need(ed) or want(ed) in that same present moment.  When the person who has surrendered is NOT angry, resentful, or bitter about what they just gave up...then this means that their surrendering moment represented an act of "loving sacrifice".   In other words, this is a "win/lose" situation on the face of it (one person got something, the other person didn't get anything)...yet it is also a "win/win" situation on an emotional and spiritual level.  The "loser" who surrendered lovingly sacrificed his or her need(s), in the present moment, in order to allow the other person to get their need(s) met.

In speaking with clients about "loving sacrifice", I make a point to stress how it is NOT to be confused with codependent giving.  Codependent giving is when someone will give and give and give to whomever and then flip out at some point about "After all I've done for YOU...!"--or croak from their self-martyrdom gone amok

Codependent givers don't really bother to find out what anyone authentically wants or needs from them in any given present moment;  they just know what they themselves want and need and they'll give themselves into the graveyard so long as they think they are going to get it from whomever and whenever.  What do codependent givers want and need more than anything else on planet earth?  Well, funny you should ask that question!  Codependent givers want and need unconditional APPROVAL, ACCEPTANCE, and LOVE from whomever they set their sights on as a general rule.  Therefore, their giving is based on what is going to GET them that approval, acceptance,and love that they so desperately need and want...all day and everyday pretty much.  If you ever wondered, oh by the way, why a wife stays with her womanizing alcoholic husband who has jumped pretty much every set of live bones in their town, now you know why.  She's a codependent giver and her OWN ongoing need for approval, acceptance, and love will cause her to throw herself under those bus wheels every single time.  Codependent giving is NOT loving sacrifice.  Do not get the two mixed up.

As such, there is no such thing as loving sacrifice involved when a codependent giver is at the wheel.  Loving sacrifice means that BOTH parties in a relationship know and have communicated to each other what they each need and want on an ongoing basis.  Loving sacrifice means that the person who gets what they need and want...they "know" and "realize" and "acknowledge" what the other person has given up in order for their own need to be met in that present moment.  The negotiation process has led to this outcome;  yet the surrendering party isn't going to hold a grudge, or cop a negative attitude towards the other person, or get bitter about what just happened.  That is loving sacrifice!

Think Grand Torino (the movie, not the car!) if you want to witness a movie all about loving sacrifice (in the end!) and what it means.  Think Jesus of Nazareth.  Think anyone who is doing something "more" for someone else's needs satisfaction than they are for their own---and with no expectations or strings attached.

Next post, what happens when "war" ensues as part of the negotiation process....