Everyone has met someone who personifies the deadly triad: ignorant, arrogant, and abusive. Take Mike for example. Mike took enough drugs in high school to choke about 50 horses. He dropped out during the first semester of 11th grade. He kept taking drugs throughout his adult life and floated from minimum-wage to minimum-wage job. Now, at 55 years old, Mike is an "expert" on most any topic of conversation. As a matter of fact, you may have seen Mike on a recent episode of Judge Mathis. He was the dude being sued by a former friend over a car loan...but took it upon himself during the broadcast to "teach" Judge Mathis a few things about the law and how it applied to his particular case. Yep,that's who Mike is. Ignorant, arrogant, and abusive.
And then there's Ann. Ann doesn't like men too much. She has been married a few times, but that hasn't stopped her from dogging them any chance she gets. Men are lazy. Men are cheaters. And don't you know men are liars too. All men. Probably your man too. Needless to say, Ann isn't someone too many women find they want to spend much time with. Ann doesn't understand it. She is always more than willing to tell her girlfriends "how" to go about finding a man if they must and God knows it's NOT through Match.com! Ann is alone a lot of the time and can't figure out why. As far as Ann sees it, her friends should be grateful for Ann's insight and help. She knows. She's been through it.
How is it that a person adopts the deadly triad as part of their relational style? It's a combination of things. Little or no self-esteem combined with a narcissistic need for attention, admirmation, and validation. I know that reads like a mouthful and it is. But it's at the heart of much of this "ugly" behavior which screams "Pay attention to me even though I don't know what in the hell I am talking about or who I am as a person!"
Becoming real is a process. It can be scary and it can be confusing..but it is possible. Get real help. Find a good therapist. Find out why you'd rather make an ass of yourself on a daily basis than just "be" who you were created to be with others. You can do it. Work on kicking your own deadly triad to the curb and replacing it with your beautiful higher self!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Positive Changes and Negative Reactions
Very few people are willing to talk about the shadow side of the recovery process. This is because it is difficult enough to become aware of and take responsibility for our own "dysfunctional" thoughts, feelings, words, and behaviors. I have watched people literally die without being able to say, "Yes, I am an alcoholic" or "Yes, I have caused my wife tremendous pain because of my gambling problem". As such, recovery isn't always a straight-forward process. It can take years before a person is "ready" to recover in the first place...because it can take years before a person can admit what's "wrong" about the way(s) in which they think, feel, speak, and behave...and then take responsiblity for what they have thought, felt, said, and done that fed the beast of their addiction(s) and/or dysfunctional lifestyle...
The good news is that once a person clears this hurdle of facing reality and facing their sh** so to speak....positive change is not only highly possible, but also highly probable.
The monkey wrenches appear when others in the recovering person's life start to get and be uncomfortable with the positive changes they see happening. We can of course easily imagine a recovering person's fellow pot head or drunken companion becoming upset when their "buddy" is no longer willing or able to party like they used to. That at least makes some sense. But when the monkey wrench is thrown by a so-called "loving" spouse or significant other---we often start to wonder what in God's name is going on!?
Some simple examples include the wife who finally loses 100 lbs. only to find her husband is miserable over her success. "He yelled at me for so long about losing this weight. I finally lose it and now he's wanting to take me out to eat junk food every weekend!" Or the recovering marijuana user who claims, "My girlfriend says she wants out now that I'm sober...but when I was high every day and she bitched about it...that was better?!"
As sad as it is true, negative reactions to positive changes are more common than anyone might care to admit. When we allow ourselves to become comfortably familiar (key term there..."comfortably familiar") with something, who says that "something" has to be all good, right, and proper? We get comfortably familiar with all kinds of messed-up behaviors and relationships throughout our lives. The wife who is comfortably familiar with the fact that her husband will beat her at least once each month. The husband who is comfortably familiar with the fact that his wife blows like a volcano every couple of weeks or so. It's just how we are. We put up with crap. We put up with a lot of crap as a matter of fact. But when that crap starts to get cleaned up...it can cause within us bigger problems and more uncomfortable feelings than we bargained for.
For the person who is practicing positive changes, it can be very confusing to witness a loved one acting "worse" towards them during this otherwise exhilirating time. "It's like winning the lottery and then having your best friend tell you the money will be gone within six months anyway", said one recovering alcoholic. Talk about a lack of support! Yikes!
There are of course a variety of reasons why someone who claims to "love" you or "care" about you would risk hurting you while you are working so hard at getting and being "better" as a person. Jealousy is right up there as one explanation. If you get better and are showing others how you can do it---what does that mean for the other guy who ALSO could stand to make a few positive changes as well? Nobody thinks of themselves as a role model when they are in the midst of recovery...but believe me, others "see it" and often wish they hadn't. If you can do it..then I may have to "do it" too. And what if I don't want to? Jealousy. It's can be a real damper on an otherwise comfortably familiar and dysfunctional match made in La La Land.
Another equally important explanation as to why people negatively react to the positive changes in others is codependency. If I can't enable you anymore in your addiction, what purpose do I have then in your "recovery"-based lifestyle? I can't cover up for you anymore like I used to...I can't get away with doing whatever I want because you're passed out or emotionally unavailable to me...there are LOTS Of things I can no longer do because you are "now" sober and clear-minded. For many spouses and friends, you getting better makes me feel worse. I can't be in charge anymore. I can't tell you what to do anymore and you'll just say "o.k." And I can't complain about you anymore to others in order to make myself look like a paragon of virtue in comparison. Codependency is a nasty little lifestyle that can bring out the ugly in way too many codependent enablers when a loved one gets healthier mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually speaking.
Making positive changes is always a good thing. Negative reactions are going to happen, but that's not your problem or issue. If you stop yourself from healing, changing, and growing because of someone else's jealousy, ignorance, and dysfunction---what does that communicate to you about you? You'd rather stay "sick" so the other person can remain comfortably familiar with their "version" of you? I mean, this is a free country but come on! Don't keep treating yourself like garbage just because someone else has gotten used to the way you USED to stink!
Remember F-E-A-R! Face Everything And Recover! You can do it!
The good news is that once a person clears this hurdle of facing reality and facing their sh** so to speak....positive change is not only highly possible, but also highly probable.
The monkey wrenches appear when others in the recovering person's life start to get and be uncomfortable with the positive changes they see happening. We can of course easily imagine a recovering person's fellow pot head or drunken companion becoming upset when their "buddy" is no longer willing or able to party like they used to. That at least makes some sense. But when the monkey wrench is thrown by a so-called "loving" spouse or significant other---we often start to wonder what in God's name is going on!?
Some simple examples include the wife who finally loses 100 lbs. only to find her husband is miserable over her success. "He yelled at me for so long about losing this weight. I finally lose it and now he's wanting to take me out to eat junk food every weekend!" Or the recovering marijuana user who claims, "My girlfriend says she wants out now that I'm sober...but when I was high every day and she bitched about it...that was better?!"
As sad as it is true, negative reactions to positive changes are more common than anyone might care to admit. When we allow ourselves to become comfortably familiar (key term there..."comfortably familiar") with something, who says that "something" has to be all good, right, and proper? We get comfortably familiar with all kinds of messed-up behaviors and relationships throughout our lives. The wife who is comfortably familiar with the fact that her husband will beat her at least once each month. The husband who is comfortably familiar with the fact that his wife blows like a volcano every couple of weeks or so. It's just how we are. We put up with crap. We put up with a lot of crap as a matter of fact. But when that crap starts to get cleaned up...it can cause within us bigger problems and more uncomfortable feelings than we bargained for.
For the person who is practicing positive changes, it can be very confusing to witness a loved one acting "worse" towards them during this otherwise exhilirating time. "It's like winning the lottery and then having your best friend tell you the money will be gone within six months anyway", said one recovering alcoholic. Talk about a lack of support! Yikes!
There are of course a variety of reasons why someone who claims to "love" you or "care" about you would risk hurting you while you are working so hard at getting and being "better" as a person. Jealousy is right up there as one explanation. If you get better and are showing others how you can do it---what does that mean for the other guy who ALSO could stand to make a few positive changes as well? Nobody thinks of themselves as a role model when they are in the midst of recovery...but believe me, others "see it" and often wish they hadn't. If you can do it..then I may have to "do it" too. And what if I don't want to? Jealousy. It's can be a real damper on an otherwise comfortably familiar and dysfunctional match made in La La Land.
Another equally important explanation as to why people negatively react to the positive changes in others is codependency. If I can't enable you anymore in your addiction, what purpose do I have then in your "recovery"-based lifestyle? I can't cover up for you anymore like I used to...I can't get away with doing whatever I want because you're passed out or emotionally unavailable to me...there are LOTS Of things I can no longer do because you are "now" sober and clear-minded. For many spouses and friends, you getting better makes me feel worse. I can't be in charge anymore. I can't tell you what to do anymore and you'll just say "o.k." And I can't complain about you anymore to others in order to make myself look like a paragon of virtue in comparison. Codependency is a nasty little lifestyle that can bring out the ugly in way too many codependent enablers when a loved one gets healthier mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually speaking.
Making positive changes is always a good thing. Negative reactions are going to happen, but that's not your problem or issue. If you stop yourself from healing, changing, and growing because of someone else's jealousy, ignorance, and dysfunction---what does that communicate to you about you? You'd rather stay "sick" so the other person can remain comfortably familiar with their "version" of you? I mean, this is a free country but come on! Don't keep treating yourself like garbage just because someone else has gotten used to the way you USED to stink!
Remember F-E-A-R! Face Everything And Recover! You can do it!
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