When people lack empathy, they can't and don't see past their own nose of reality. For these folks, life and reality is truly "All about ME!" You know, the one note song: ME ME ME ME ME!!!
I recall a client many years ago who was extremely afraid of telling her own mother that she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Based on what she had shared with me about her mother up to this point, I knew my client's fear of disclosure had very little to do with her reasoning for remaining silent. "If I tell her, it will kill her!" "She won't be able to take this news; it will devastate her." Yeah right. Her mother, from all I had heard about her, was hardly "that" type. But okay. I went with it. I strongly encouraged my client to tell her mother the truth of her own diagnosis for her own sake. Nobody needs to be living with such a huge secret that had the potential to make my client's life even more complicated. So...eventually...she told her mother her own bad news.
Guess what happened? Guess what "mom" FIRST said in response to her daughter's news about having been diagnosed with ovarian cancer? It went like this: "How could this happen TO ME?!?!?"
Yep, true story. Mother surely lacked empathy. Yet that encounter between mother and daughter was my client's first exposure to facing a difficult reality that, over time, helped her to detach with love from her mother...and move on with her OWN life in a more positive way. Miraculously, my former client is still with us to this very day...although her mother is not.
Lacking empathy and compassion is not something we typically think about when we are in a relationship with people who do, in fact, lack empathy and compassion! We instead will tend to work harder...and not smarter...in order to "encourage" these people to get and behave better. Not happening. Once a person lacks genuine empathy and compassion, it's done. Kind of like once a person becomes bald, they're bald! You can put a wig on a bald head, but what's underneath remains unchanged. People who lack empathy and compassion can dress themselves up with random acts of what passes for kindness; ultimately, they make sure they didn't do anything "good" for free or without strings attached.
I know a parent who embezzled his only child's inheritance in order to feed his online gaming addiction. I know another parent who blamed his son for a crime that, in fact, he himself had committed. This isn't rocket science people. When it feels like you've been tossed, shoved, or thrown under the bus---you probably have been! Reality called...and you hung up. And until you wake up to who lacks true empathy and compassion in your life, you won't. Period.
So why do we do this? Why do we remain faithful and loyal to people who basically don't truly care about anyone else or anyone else's needs' satisfaction barring their own? Why do we defend and continue to make excuses for those who keep hurting us, betraying us, and otherwise reminding us that we don't matter to them as much as they, themselves, do!?
The answer here has to do with the trauma bonds we form with others and what leads to those bonds being formed in the first place. One great book on this topic has been written by Patrick Carnes and is entitled "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships." The latest edition comes 20 years after Carnes' first published this book. It's an amazing and enlightening read for anyone who finds themselves working way too hard in relationships that still disappoint, frustrate, and hurt them very deeply.
No empathy? No insight! No compassion? No humility!
Yes, it's that simple. Get the book. You won't regret it. Or call someone like me who can encourage you how not to step into your own bullsh** anymore when it comes to this type of important relationship in your own life...
Until next time...
I recall a client many years ago who was extremely afraid of telling her own mother that she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Based on what she had shared with me about her mother up to this point, I knew my client's fear of disclosure had very little to do with her reasoning for remaining silent. "If I tell her, it will kill her!" "She won't be able to take this news; it will devastate her." Yeah right. Her mother, from all I had heard about her, was hardly "that" type. But okay. I went with it. I strongly encouraged my client to tell her mother the truth of her own diagnosis for her own sake. Nobody needs to be living with such a huge secret that had the potential to make my client's life even more complicated. So...eventually...she told her mother her own bad news.
Guess what happened? Guess what "mom" FIRST said in response to her daughter's news about having been diagnosed with ovarian cancer? It went like this: "How could this happen TO ME?!?!?"
Yep, true story. Mother surely lacked empathy. Yet that encounter between mother and daughter was my client's first exposure to facing a difficult reality that, over time, helped her to detach with love from her mother...and move on with her OWN life in a more positive way. Miraculously, my former client is still with us to this very day...although her mother is not.
Lacking empathy and compassion is not something we typically think about when we are in a relationship with people who do, in fact, lack empathy and compassion! We instead will tend to work harder...and not smarter...in order to "encourage" these people to get and behave better. Not happening. Once a person lacks genuine empathy and compassion, it's done. Kind of like once a person becomes bald, they're bald! You can put a wig on a bald head, but what's underneath remains unchanged. People who lack empathy and compassion can dress themselves up with random acts of what passes for kindness; ultimately, they make sure they didn't do anything "good" for free or without strings attached.
I know a parent who embezzled his only child's inheritance in order to feed his online gaming addiction. I know another parent who blamed his son for a crime that, in fact, he himself had committed. This isn't rocket science people. When it feels like you've been tossed, shoved, or thrown under the bus---you probably have been! Reality called...and you hung up. And until you wake up to who lacks true empathy and compassion in your life, you won't. Period.
So why do we do this? Why do we remain faithful and loyal to people who basically don't truly care about anyone else or anyone else's needs' satisfaction barring their own? Why do we defend and continue to make excuses for those who keep hurting us, betraying us, and otherwise reminding us that we don't matter to them as much as they, themselves, do!?
The answer here has to do with the trauma bonds we form with others and what leads to those bonds being formed in the first place. One great book on this topic has been written by Patrick Carnes and is entitled "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships." The latest edition comes 20 years after Carnes' first published this book. It's an amazing and enlightening read for anyone who finds themselves working way too hard in relationships that still disappoint, frustrate, and hurt them very deeply.
No empathy? No insight! No compassion? No humility!
Yes, it's that simple. Get the book. You won't regret it. Or call someone like me who can encourage you how not to step into your own bullsh** anymore when it comes to this type of important relationship in your own life...
Until next time...