Addicted to Avoiding Your Personal Responsibility(s)...??

When we are all about avoiding personal responsibility as a lifestyle, it is very difficult to discern what exactly we are avoiding---let alone why.  After all, who wants to finally recognize and then admit to themselves, "Geez!  I really AM a huge slob and I have to get myself together here!"  I mean, let's face it:  it is SO much easier to ignore uncomfortable truths about ourselves.  As has been presented many times in my past blog posts, it is MUCH easier to swallow a comfortable lie than it is an uncomfortable truth! 

 

I am reminded of my first roommate situation and how one roommate had cats.  Never having grown up with a pet, I had no clue how cats were to be cared for as part of a shared residence.  However, I did finally figure out that cats are not supposed to poop on top of the ironing board or at the bottom of an empty bathtub.  So, I learned.  I learned to keep all of my stuff locked up in my bedroom and whenever I found cat doo doo outside my bedroom, I cleaned it up as best I could while I lived there.

I lasted in that situation about three months before I got my own place.  What did it for me was when I couldn't locate the source of a bad smell coming from one side of the house.  When I finally was able to investigate, I noticed an Air Wick solid had been positioned next to the cat poop on the floor beside it.  After that incident, I did what I had to do to dip out.  And I've never owned one or more cats ever since obtw! ;-)

What happened to that roommate?  I have no idea.  Yet I hope she still doesn't utilize the Air Wick solid method of cat poop management.

Some people are addicted to avoiding whatever personal responsibilities they do because they found someone else to fill the gap on their behalf.  The adult son or daughter who boomeranged back into a family member's home...and now lives there for free or very cheap rent.  I understand offering a hand up when someone is down;  it's quite another story when the motivating force behind such a decision is a desire to avoid personal responsibility....or a new unfamiliar one!  Grant it, this is where our codependent givers come out of the woodwork to friendly offer themselves as a source of supply and refuge to their kids, their friends, their other extended family members...and whomever else sweeps down asking for "help".  Funny how that works isn't it?  Codependent givers can't wait to lay hands on you by playing Jesus in your life when you need his/her/their "help".  However, you'll be in a pickle when he/she/they decide they are sick of giving to you and your gravy train comes to a sudden stop.  Both parties are left feeling angry, hurt, confused, guilty, ashamed, and lonely.  No surprise there.  When we won't and don't care for ourselves as we are capable of through successfully managing our own personal responsibilities....other people do pay the price for that choice!

I heard yesterday of a woman my own age who lived in a huge house in a lovely area---and she paid just $350 a month rent since she arrived.  The owners spend eight months out of every year in Florida, so this tenant has/had full run of the house during those eight months.  She lived with her landlords for about five years in this way, until a sick relative of one of the owners joined them about a year ago.  Because the tenant grew quickly intolerant of the "favors" being expected of her by the owner and his family member (mostly errand running), she decided to move out.  Now she is paying $950/month living in a "cheap" apartment in another town several miles away---and is currently most annoyed by the local "littles" (kids) who surround her in the same building.  I don't know about you, but if I got to live for five years in a 4,000 sq. ft. home for only $350 a month, I'd be doing the grateful to God dance every single day AND I would have saved enough by year five to buy my own house once I left that situation.  How about you?

Avoiding personal responsibility plays out in so many various and assorted ways.  The person who just doesn't "do" their personal hygiene on a consistent basis is a typical example.  Gen Z...listen to me now!  Unless one is dealing with a major mental illness  (like those involving psychosis!)...there really isn't any excuse to avoid showering, brushing one's teeth, washing one's hair, using deodorant, and wearing clean clothing on a daily basis.  In high school, I had a friend who thought it was cool to not shave at all and shower only once or twice a week.  He thought he was a lumbersexual;  the rest of us who knew him thought otherwise.  Yes, you DO SMELL BAD when you do not make sure that you are clean and that the clothes you have on your body are also clean each day.  No magic there.  My hairdresser once told me of a teenager who hadn't washed his hair in months and came to her salon expecting service.  She turned him away, but made sure he understood why before he left.  No kidding.

One of the primary reasons why we avoid personal responsibility, in whatever form or fashion that takes is because we are undiagnosed and untreated for deficits in our executive functioning skills.  This means that our executive functioning is "off" in ways that prevent us from managing our own activities of daily living (ADLs) in a balanced-enough manner over time.  So instead of spending most of our time doing what we love most or "want" to do repeatedly---we figure out that other responsibilities we have DO suffer when we neglect them---and/or neglect them for long enough.  When planning, prioritizing, and organizing ourselves represents another area of executive functioning that isn't working quite right, that's how we can end up getting nothing done (really!) to advance ourselves from dreaming to doing----so as to achieve our dreams in a timely enough manner.  "Yeah, I will finish my bachelor's one day...I just need more time..."  (Said after year eight since "taking a break" from college..!)

When we avoid managing the "small stuff" in our lives that we are  personally responsible for, why is it surprising when we wake up one day and realize that we are suddenly "old"(er!) and we are feeling quite angry, resentful, and bitter about what didn't happen that we expected to happen in a "good" way for us by this time in life?  I am reminded of the people who "hate" doctors and then when they finally go after years of resistence, they find themselves in the middle a catastrophic medical diagnosis that could have been avoided with regular preventative exams!  Don't get me started on teeth.  I knew of a man who was always faithful about his dental hygiene...until he stopped seeing the dentist for annual cleanings and exams.  His teeth fell out within three years time.  Yikes.  This personal responsibility thing is huge.  Avoiding it only hurts us most in the end.

Recently, someone was telling me how their girlfriend broke up with them because she couldn't handle his weed habit, which of course managed his anxiety for him but sure did not work to motivate him to do much else besides smoke and hang out with her.  "I thought she was the one, but she just isn't", he told me.  Later that same day, I ran into the 50 year old version of this guy when I ran into someone I knew 30 years ago when we first moved to this area.  I asked him how he was doing, his response was "Same as always."  He wasn't kidding.  Instead of weed, which he used to do a lot of back then, he drinks now to manage his chronic anxiety.  Always a nice guy, but still focused on his addictions to pleasure while at the same time avoiding his own personal responsibilities.  When I asked where he was living now, he indicated he hasn't moved in 30 years;  parents' basement.  Why was I not surprised by his response?

Maybe this is your year to talk to someone about what it is you need to do to improve the quality of your own life while being more appropriately responsible for your own life at the same time?  Why not try it?  You may like feeling empowered rather than embittered....

Until next post....

Addicted to Power/Control? Let's Review You!

When we have an issue with power and control to the point of addiction status...we are typically the last to know.  All we "do" know is that feeling powerless and out of control IS the worst thing.  Last post, we talked about what pleasure addiction can look like in everyday life.  This time, we will take a look at several scenarios which involve individuals and groups addicted to power and control...

"Jenny" has been looking for the right church home since before Thanksgiving.  A recent transplant to the metro Detroit area from Arizona, Jenny has realized that her past involvement at "church" was more bad than good over the course of her own adult life.  "I always gave a new church I visited six weeks;  if no one made any attempt to welcome me or connect with me beyond door greeter status, I moved on..", states Jenny.  Jenny is single and had opted out of marriage and motherhood long ago.  "I am fine with my choices", claims Jenny, "yet I know I have had too many hurtful experiences at church once people found out I didn't have a spouse or children and was new to the area."

Jenny decided that this time around, once she settled in Michigan, she would look for a church that actively ministered to single adults and seniors through various outreach programs.  "I figured if I could connect with other singles and they with me, that might be a better fit than just showing up each week for the worship service in hopes of finding someone randomly to have an actual conversation with."

After trying out a few churches utilizing her "six week rule", Jenny found herself once again discouraged.  "I thought I found churches that had a number of activities geared towards single people over the age of 50.  When I actually attended and participated in many of them, I found my experiences to be extremely disappointing."  Jenny adds that she felt transported back to her 20s when everyone went to singles bars in order to meet Mr. or Ms. "Right Now".  "It was so frustrating because the only difference to me was that the people I met were using church as their singles' bar of choice in the 21st century..."  Poor Jenny.  

"Francis" on the other hand, is someone who is a self-proclaimed people pleaser.  "It has gotten me into trouble because I friendly offer myself way too often to others and then end up in the soup so many times afterwards", he says.  Francis is that guy who will help you fix your truck...or move a heavy piece of furniture...or basically drop everything to serve his fellow man/woman in need.  "I don't know why I feel so burned out and used up after a day of helping others", states Francis, "..but those feelings keep coming back like someone or something is trying to tell me to stop it once and for all."  Francis also feels exploited at his job, since his boss has often relied on Francis to fix the mistakes of his co-workers as if it was/is a part of Francis's job description.  "My boss really likes me and tells me all the time he doesn't know what he would do without me", Francis mentions, "..but I haven't gotten a raise or bonus in five years either so who is the fool here?", Francis wonders.  Poor Francis.

"Kelly" and "Chad" have been married for twelve years.  They have three children under the age of ten.  Chad complains that he can't put a foot right as a dad in Kelly's mind.  "She is constantly ordering me around and criticizing me for whatever I do for or with the kids that she doesn't agree with", Chad laments.  "I never thought I would have married a major control freak, but I did", explains Chad.  "Even today, she told me not to forget to bring the baby's diaper bag AS IF I would ever forget to do that!"  

Kelly, on the other hand, believes that Chad is an irresponsible parent.  "He gives them whatever they want.  He just doesn't think before he gives to the kids---and then I'm stuck being the bad parent because I won't let them eat sugar for breakfast."  Kelly has tried countless times to get Chad to be on the same page as she is about parenting their kids.  "He just does whatever he wants with them", she states.  "..I guess I have to wait until we get to "I told you so!" before he wakes up to himself."  One thing both agree on is that if this arguing over the way to parent their kids keeps up, it might be best to go their separate ways.  "I hate to think that way because I know divorce ruins kids' lives and all that...but I really don't know how much more I can take of Kelly's controlling ways.."  Poor Chad.  

So what do these three scenarios have anything to do with an addiction to power and control?  In Jenny's case, she presumed she "knew" what her own satisfactory experience(s) with "church" needed to be in order for her to feel accepted, approved of, and liked by her fellow churchgoers.  As such, she was seeking to be in control of something she really had no control over to begin with.  Since when can we curate under what circumstances a "right" conversation will occur, at the "right" time, with the "right" person, and involving the "right" conversational content?  Jenny was allowing her own expectations to run (and more often ruin!) her experiences at each church she spent "six weeks" visiting!  Secularly speaking, she was attempting to manifest her desired end results while missing the point of enjoying her present-moment experience(s).  What about the sermons presented to her during each of the six weeks she visited any given church?  Did she even notice what was being taught during those sermons and how each one applied to her own everyday life and circumstances?  I mean, this isn't rocket science!  When we have power and control issues, we can get way too focused on what we want "now" as opposed to the blessings and lessons that surround our current experience(s)!

As for Francis, he functions as a codependent giver.  Codependent givers do what they do for the  acceptance, approval, and love of certain others in their life.  When rewarded in accordance with this primary motivation for living and giving, he/she/they are "fine".  All good.  Until someone doesn't react or respond the way that Francis expected.  Until someone doesn't appreciate what Francis has done on his/her/their behalf.  Until someone actually confronts Francis by saying things like "I didn't ask for that." or "That's not something I need or want now thank you very much." Or even worse, "Why do you think you know better than I do what's best for me Francis?"  Yeah, like that.  Francis's need to have power and be in control over his chosen certain others....this is Francis's primary problem as a repeated "giver" to his fellow man/woman.  Yowsah.

Concerning Kelly and Chad, both have issues around power and control as their arguments put the proverbial exclamation mark on their repeated fights about parenting.  Instead of focusing on what is right for their kids, they each keep focusing on who is right when one's behavior is found to be offensive to the other.  Ultimately, their kids learn that resolving conflict in a family has nothing to do with discussion, mutual understanding, active negotiation, and compromises that work for all parties involved.  Rather, children learn that fighting is hurtful and yet parents who won't or can't stop doing it, don't!

Are you most invested in feeling powerful and in control?  Remember, being and feeling powerful is very different than being and feeling empowered.  Empowerment has to do with self-acceptance, confidence, and treating oneself and others as equals with mutual respect.  Empowerment also involves honest sharing of both information and care in all communication(s).  Being and feeling powerful typically does not involve any of these important component parts.  After all, power corrupts.  And, as the saying goes, absolute  power absolutely corrupts.  When someone has complete power and control over someone else, or several someone elses---we call that enslavement.  Are you enslaved by someone else...or are you enslaving certain others from your own life?  

A good licensed therapist can help you re-think your need to live life feeling powerful and in control of the people, places, and things which surround you.  Consider making your own mental health and well being a priority instead of treating everyone else around you like an option.

Until next post...

Pleasure Addiction? Let's Take A Look...

When was the last time you considered the possibility that you, or someone you love and care about, might be addicted to pleasure?  Rarely do we want to deep dive into a topic such as this because, let's face it, who wants to be schooled about that which we "love" doing---and doing repeatedly---even when it's more harmful than helpful to us in the bigger picture of our own lives?  Pleasure addiction is a real thing.  When we make the pursuit of pleasure a primary motivation for living, we are more than likely going to be enslaved by our desire for it.  Let's take a look at one scenario which exemplify what pleasure addiction can look like in everyday life...

"Sue" has been looking for Prince Charming her entire life.  Since high school, she did not think about a specific "type" she was most attracted to.  Instead, she found herself attracted to the guys who noticed and pursued her;  the more obsessively they chased after her, the better.  Sue got pregnant in 11th grade by "the love of my life", who ended up bailing and breaking up with her as soon as he was told about her mom-to-be status.  Sue decided to have an abortion.  She didn't think too much about the procedure, because she was most broken up over her boyfriend dipping out once he knew he was about to become a father.  To Sue's parents, her abortion was a non-issue since other females in the family had traveled down that same road before themselves...

After high school graduation, Sue moved in with another former classmate who she ran into at a local area bar at age 19.  Sue claims he was great at first by saying and doing all the right things.  However, Sue's boyfriend was also the local area weed distributor which meant unexpected phone calls, texts, and visits to their apartment at all hours all the time.  Even though Sue's boyfriend was rolling in the dough, he used his money to please himself without considering Sue as his equal---or his partner.  After about a year of living together, Sue's boyfriend threw her out one night after she complained "for the last time" about his selfishness.  Sue had nowhere to go but to her older sister's house in another town....so she went although reluctantly.  "I really expected him to go after me and bring me back to our place, but he never did."  Sue was truly heartbroken by her boyfriend's betrayal and never forgot it.

Sue was with her sister at a friend's birthday party when she met "Frank".  Frank was taken by Sue's looks and demeanor, which led him to ask her out within 30 minutes of meeting Sue.  Sue was very flattered by Frank's attention;  in fact, she made love to Frank that very same night in his vehicle.  After a few months of dating, Frank and Sue got engaged.  Sue was so happy that someone actually wanted to commit to marrying her, she floated through the next three months leading up to their wedding day.

Sue and Frank, now married, spent the next few years having a lot of fun.  Even though Frank drank more than what Sue expected or accepted....Sue understood that her own online gaming habit wasn't exactly welcome by Frank.  Yes, of course they argued about his drinking and her gambling---but Sue really believed Frank would never leave her.  Wrong.  Frank left after he began an affair with the downstairs neighbor who was a single mom with two small children under the age of five.  Sue was devastated.  "I never thought he would leave me like that;  he broke my heart into pieces I didn't even know I had to break.."

Someone close to Sue suggested that she consider therapy to help her figure out why her relationships with men kept going sideways.  Sue shrugged off her friend's suggestion and got remarried to another man two years after her divorce was finalized.  As Sue put it, "I may have gotten it wrong in the past, but "Charlie" was my actual dream come true."  For Sue, Charlie was hard-working, sober, and adored Sue.  Charlie was also cheated on by his first wife, so he understood what Sue went through with Frank.

Sue's marriage to Charlie lasted as long as Sue complied with Charlie's plan for their lives.  "He chose where we lived, he chose our furniture, he chose what kind of car I should drive..." states Sue.  "I never knew what being with a control freak meant until I married Charlie", she adds.  After just 10 months, Sue and Charlie split up.  Finally, Sue decided to talk to someone about her poor choices in the romance department to figure out why she kept selecting "selfish losers" as partners.

Sue's therapist suggested that Sue consider reading the book "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes.  Sue was shocked to discover that this book was about sex and love addiction, as if that pertained to her!  She wasn't a sex addict!  She wasn't a love addict either!  She was just someone who was unlucky in finding her right "match" as a boyfriend or husband!  And who didn't watch porn every now and then with their partner?  Sue believed this author was nuts...and had no business writing such a book filled with such b.s.!  Carnes was NOT woke according to Sue;  in fact, Carnes was probably an oddball who never had a love life of his own!

Sue stopped going to therapy.  Sue married again after a co-worker she knew for quite a while decided that he was in love with her.  They left the state to give themselves a fresh start from their respective pasts.  "He treated me like his Queen...and he was my King whom I finally found!", claimed Sue.

"Anthony"'s family, however, was not so welcoming to Sue.  As his sisters put it, "He always picks these pathetic women who drain him dry and end up taking him to the cleaners once they split up."  Sue was never clear about why Anthony's family kept their distance from her....but she was so in love with Anthony, she convinced herself to ignore them.  "It was our relationship I most wanted to preserve;  I couldn't let myself think too much about why his sisters or his mother or the rest of his family didn't like or accept me..." said Sue.

By the time Sue celebrated her 37th birthday, she discovered that Anthony's best friend "Jackson" was actually his piece on the side.  She found out after stumbling across a voicemail in Anthony's phone from a couple months earlier.  "I was so disgusted, I didn't know what to do", she states.  When confronted, Anthony said his relationship with Jackson wasn't a big deal since he was married to Sue, and not to Jackson.  "If I wanted him, I could have him", Anthony said, "..but I CHOSE to marry you!"

Sue decided to stay.  She was too old and tired to start over, at least in her own opinion.  Now she gets tested regularly enough for STIs, based on her PCP's recommendation.  "All I have ever wanted was to feel good...and feel love...in my romantic relationship of choice", Sue indicated.

...and maybe that's been the problem all along Sue?

Pleasure addiction can look like Sue's life story thus far for sure.  Looking for love based on criteria that have a greater potential to create a hot mess---than one that is safe, secure, and a stable love-based relationship.  Sue's pleasure addiction was born from her own history of trauma-bonding which led her to believe that "real love" always involved invalidation, rejection, neglect, abuse, and codependency.  With only self-pleasure left to focus on, Sue thought that "the right man" would be the key to her experiencing pleasure for the rest of her life.  Sue is now 61 years old.  Anthony ultimately divorced her after she refused to bear him children.  He and Jackson became "roommates" and remain together to this day.

Until next post....