Monday, August 27, 2018

Detox the Fantasy!

Abuse takes many forms.  Some obvious;  others, not so much.  It is so much easier to understand what abuse looks like when it involves two people.  Yet what about the abuse we inflict by the ways in which we think, feel, and subsequently behave?  Self abuse takes many forms also.  Again, some obvious;  others, not so much.  Today's blog post will focus on fantasy-based thinking and how it can represent one of the most damaging forms of psychological abuse we heap onto ourselves---by ourselves---and/or onto others!

Fantasy thinking, unlike psychotic thinking, is primarily ego driven.  Unlike psychotic thinking, which we have no control over and that occurs as a result of untreated and undiagnosed mental illness--or through the use of drugs and alcohol---or as a result of traumatic brain injury, infection, or a disease process (like dementia), fantasy thinking is something we "choose" to engage in.  When actively psychotic, no one chooses to think that way.  Psychotic thinking can be treated through the use of appropriate psychotropic medications;  fantasy thinking can not.  With fantasy thinking, psychotherapy ("talk" therapy) works best to assist the client with letting go of their own need to be in control of "all" of their reality and the people they focus on within it.  Detoxing the fantasy means that we choose reality, as messy as it can be at times, over our own glorifying and/or mortifying version(s) of it!

Fantasy thinking is a person's attempt to present their narrative (or any narrative!) in a way they have complete control over.  Fantasy-driven thinking, feeling, and behaving is in complete opposition to the practice of mindfulness, which requires that we observe what is going on within us and around us without judgment and without emotional tumult attached.  Fantasy thinking is subjective thinking taken to its extreme;  mindfulness is the practice of thinking objectively in all circumstances and at all times.

Need some examples?  I've got a million of them.  First, how about "Jean" (not her real name).  Jean is a professional business woman.  She is bright, creative, and very good at what she does.  However, Jean also had, what she described as, an obsessive soon-to-be ex husband.  As Jean laid out her narrative about the marriage, she shared about how she "knows" her husband found a way to "bug" her new residence after she moved away from the marital home.  She claimed also that he had control over the garage door opener at her new place as the door would randomly open and close.  Jean also believed her husband "wired" the interior of her residence so that he could view her through cameras he had installed.  Jean did not have any facts (evidence!) of how she knew these things;  her husband did not call her and tell her what she was wearing that day.  Her husband did not describe to her the layout of her current residence.  Her husband was not seen anywhere in or around her "new" neighborhood in spite of Jean's own security system (with cameras) installed at the new residence.  In other words, Jean's husband had no literal contact with her at all, either directly or indirectly, since the time she moved out and relocated.  No threats, no hang up calls, no other people sent to communicate on his behalf, no nothing.  Five years since, Jean received her divorce and her ex husband went on to remarry.  And...???  And Jean has not since mentioned "that time" in her life nor has she recanted her beliefs about her ex's activities directed at her from that time either.

Unlike "Mr. Jones" who, as a younger woman, I was asked to check in on by his close relative who lived outside the immediate area.  Mr. Jones, when I first visited him at home, told me that "they" were coming into his house in order to steal his tools, kidnap his pets only to return them the next evening, and poison his food.  Mr. Jones, unlike Jean, had a legitimate psychiatric diagnosis which absolutely explained his disordered thinking pattern.  Again, fantasy thinking is something we choose to engage in;  psychotic thinking is not.  Ultimately Mr. Jones got the real help he needed to treat and more effectively manage his psychotic thinking, which of course, was a very good thing...

"Tom" is someone who has always had a schoolboy-based crush on "Sandra".  Although 30 years have passed since they were in school together, Tom did exaggerate his and Sandra's so-called "relationship" to his own friends and family throughout the decades since graduation.  Sandra, on the other hand, considered Tom nothing more than a former classmate whom she knew "liked" her during their freshman year.  Once Sandra's husband suddenly passed away, Sandra saw that she received a new message and friend request on Facebook.  It was from Tom.  She deleted the request and didn't read the message, and didn't think anything more about it.  About two months later, one of Sandra's friends from school mentioned also receiving a friend request and message from Tom, which she accepted and read.  The friend contacted Sandra because Tom had said in his message that he had heard Sandra's husband had died...and he wanted Sandra's address in order to send flowers to her.  The friend, very wisely, declined to inform Tom of Sandra's address---and then contacted Sandra to let her know what was happening.

Neither Sandra or her friend were that concerned about Tom, until Tom began posting photos of himself from high school, which the friend saw on her newsfeed, with comments attached that in fact, included recollections of that time involving Sandra.  Sandra's friend told Sandra what was going on, and the decision was made to unfriend Tom by Sandra's friend...while Sandra closed her existing Facebook account.

In reality, Sandra never "hung out" with Tom during school;  he was just a classmate....who had a crush on her during 9th grade.  Whatever Tom's story is or was in that regard, the death of Sandra's husband triggered something inside Tom that clearly went beyond the boundaries of reality--both past and present.

Fantasy thinking is a quick and dirty way to make us feel good---or bad---about ourselves.  I can remember a young man who told me years ago that once anybody got to "know" him, they'd know how "bad" he really is and would dump him accordingly.  Okay then!  How does anybody stand a chance with that mentality?  Ultimately, he got the help he needed to practice a different way of thinking about himself and his talents, skills, and capabilities...which was of course, it's own process.  With this young man, it was easier to label himself as "bad" than to do his work of growing up and becoming more fully responsible for himself mind, body, and soul.  In his way, he suspended a good ten years of his young life to live in the middle of his own teenage (and 20's) wasteland.
 
Detoxing the fantasy is something we don't often think about because we choose not to.  Whether you are being targeted by this type of thinking...or are engaging in it on your own...the facts are still the facts.  Reality is where we all need to live, rather than in our own glorifying or mortifying version of it.

Until next post...












Thursday, August 16, 2018

Is Your Chosen Partner Abusive?

I can remember when I was young and single a roommate of mine who was a lovely person---but had a major a$$hole boyfriend.  How did I know he was a jerk?  Well, beyond seeing him come into our place when he did and behave like her only roommate (without paying for anything), THAT was a bit of a tip off to me.  Beyond that, when she wasn't around and it was just he and I together---he basically ignored me.  I mean, I understood that somewhat;  back then, why would anybody want to talk to or interact with someone they didn't "pick" to do that with?  Yet it still felt disrespectful.

Over the course of their relationship, I noticed that he really had a hard time attending to her as a girlfriend.  Everything was pretty much about him and what he wanted...and she complied.  If she didn't do or get what he wanted, he would say things to her that were not very nice.  I remember the time he called her a fat you-know-what...and this girl was no more than 110 lbs.!  I also suspected that he was into some things (or people!) that weren't quite kosher.  If she would ask him about something and he didn't feel like answering---his responses typically revolved around "it" being her fault for even asking.  Before I even knew what the heck gaslighting was...this guy was a master at it!

He never got physical with her in my presence....but he sure knew how to yell and carry on when she didn't "do" like he expected or wanted.

Just before they got married, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to marry him.  Her response to my question was that she was turning 27 years old in August.  Okay then.  The wedding itself was a blur in my mind;  I knew it would end badly---which it did of course.  After their bad breakup and divorce, she did go on to find a better man.

But why did she allow herself to marry this worse man (and have children with him) when she did?  Why does anybody for that matter?  What is it about us wearing those blinders when we are involved with someone who shows signs and puts out those signals of being abusive by nature?

Back to the codependent giver chat.  When we are codependent, and when we are more "giver" oriented than not....we harbor the fantasy many a time that our love, our care, and our connection (to that other person) can FIX, can SAVE, and/or can RESCUE that person we are involved with.  This represents Delusion #1.

I am reminded of another friend who dated a guy after her divorce who she claimed "love her" the best of anyone she had dated before or since.  Except when she found out he was an open and proud to be bigot...in the middle of a parking lot...and when surrounded by a group of people he was most bigoted against.  She broke up with him shortly afterwards.  AS IT SHOULD BE!  When my friend realized this particular character flaw in her boyfriend...she at least UNDERSTOOD that she couldn't fix that flaw...or save him from the consequences of that flaw...or rescue him from himself and the way he thought for that matter.  So she left him.  Good for her!  That's what knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and run is all about people!  Even if the abuse is directed at someone else or some other group...it's still abuse!

Delusion #1 can take us down some many dark roads when we don't want to see the obvious about a person we are involved with.  Just think of anyone who you know who is now sitting in jail for 10, 20, or 30 years because they were merely "there" when a person was murdered in their presence!  I had trained and worked in a prison facility for a time;  the majority of women on my unit were classic examples of "wrong place wrong time" situations.  They didn't perpetrate the act which led to death, but they were there with the person who did.  Not a good plan.  Hangin' with the abusers in this life does no one any favors.  It just doesn't.

What does abuse look like?  I can tell you it is NOT just about physical violence that is committed against oneself or others.  And for those who are "used to it" like that (being physically assaulted), I have actually had victims say to me "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me."  Okay then!  Talk about a challenge in reframing one's thinking about physical abuse!

In fact, abusive behavior can start with something like a person being overly jealous or possessive.  No ladies and gentlemen...being jealous is NOT flattering;  it's a signal!  When a person wants you or your time all to themselves....how is that living in reality?  It just isn't.  You do NOT exist to make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse's "life" is good every single day...and/or drama free!

I am reminded of another friend (male) who had a real problem with this jealousy issue from as far back as grade school.  He just couldn't handle anybody else horning in on his perceived territory. With him, nobody had the right to join in any games or activities that he didn't approve of as participants.  Not unlike another childhood friend (female) who was the same way...these two wanted control over anyone they let "in" to their lives---to the point of suffocation.  To say trust was a major issue for both of them is understatement;  they just couldn't handle other people vying for the same attention they themselves so desperately sought.

I had a teenager many years ago who came in to see me about her own "jealousy" issue involving her then boyfriend at the time.  She was really upset not knowing how to solve this issue on her own.  We talked about a lot, including her experiences with her own family of origin (parents and sister).  As we went through what she felt and experienced as her parents were going through a nasty divorce, she just blurted out in session one night "That's it!"  What was it?  "It" was when she realized that she was doing to her boyfriend pretty much what her father did to her mother prior to their divorce being announced.  "He never wanted her to be anywhere without him!"  Yeah, that would be a signal that something's rotten in Denmark that's for sure.  As she was able to identify specific ways of thinking and behaving that she felt she "learned" by her father...it helped her to change her own thinking and behavior towards her boyfriend.  Yeah, they broke up anyway---but I can only pray she herself became a better woman as she grew older...and found herself a better man too!

Next post, I will present additional signs of abusive behaviors that we often choose not to notice...



Part II: Letter to the Codependent Giver/Taker

The codependent taker is typically perceived as easily understood;  just give he/she/them what is wanted...and everything's good.  In spite of the fact that few acknowledge their codependent taking behavior, we all do it.  Of course we do!  I can tell you that a seasoned codependent taker can sniff out a "mark" from 50' away no kidding!  How so?  As my one friend likes to term it:  "It's all about finding those compliant types..".  Yes, that's right!  People who are overly compliant generally speaking and who, oh by the way, are more often than not busy pursuing their own codependent giving to others!  That's how that all works if you haven't yet figured it out:  codependent givers and codependent takers attract each other like smoke and fire.  Yet...we all DO have that smoke and fire smoldering and burning within us in the first place!

The codependent taker, depending on how "into it" he or she is....definitely wants to feel the power, and the pleasure, and the avoidance of personal responsibility as their primary motives for functioning as they do.  These things are their "reward" for doing a good job of taking from others.  Addicts and criminals are at one end of that spectrum ("major" codependent takers)….while (for lack of a better way of putting it!) "pathetic victims" are at the other end.  You know that type:  "Oh....how I suffer so...so can you......for me....today?"  (Blah blah blah...)

Now as difficult as this may be to believe, codependent takers still "do" want the acceptance, approval, and love from others in most cases.  The exceptions would be the malignant narcissists, sociopaths/psychopaths among us.  For those folks, they serve an army of one (themselves) and that's that.  And, to add insult to injury, with these hardcore codependent takers--it does NOT matter who is seriously harmed or even killed as part of the "taking" process.  I am reminded of that young girl who just went missing in Iowa a couple of weeks ago.  She was just jogging along an open road...but some vehicle came up on her and snatched her.  That's how it can go with these dangerous and malignant codependent takers.  They see and opportunity...and they certainly take it without regard for anyone but themselves---and their own needs' satisfaction.

For the run-of-the-mill codependent taker, it may seem counter-intuitive "how" they would still seek acceptance, approval, and love from those who they are taking from.  Yet they do and here's how that can look...

Acceptance:  If I present myself as "needing" you to the point of not knowing or being able to "do" what I could or should do for myself and on my own---this is the siren call out to every codependent giver (and potential accepter-of-me!) in existence!  "Oh mom...I don't know what I am going to do the baby still sleeps in our bed because we can't afford a crib..."   "Oh dad....we won't be able to buy that house because we still don't qualify for a mortgage.."  In it's bizarre-o way...codependent takers DO feel accepted when being given whatever it is they are wanting from someone else.  Grant it, the feeling of acceptance is fleeting and lasts for only a short time---but it does occur!  Even serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer talked about his need to not have his victims "leave" him after they had spent time together hanging out!  The way he went about making sure they wouldn't leave him was off the charts...but that underlying need for acceptance by another human being was still present within him.

Acceptance is what gives us our sense of it being "o.k." for us to be here.  We are being accepted as a member of the human family;  we are an integral part of the larger whole.  We "fit" in with our fellow human beings.  For those individuals who don't feel this sense of human connectedness and authentic emotional and/or spiritual intimacy with "others" in the general sense.....there will be drama!  And problems...and dysfunction...and codependent taking on blast.  Just sayin'...

Garnering the approval of others when in codependent taking mode is a bit more dicey to explain and understand.  When we take from someone that which we are capable of doing for ourselves in the first place....we are, in our way, making them feel good about themselves at our own expense.  I remember in jr. high school playing "dumb" with our Social Studies teacher about which directions truly pointed to the "north", "south", "east", and "west".  Of course I knew which way "north" was...but I gave him some crap about "If it's pointing "up" on the map---then north is up!" blah blah.  He made a meal out of this discussion for a couple of class sessions....and of course I presented myself as a beyond-hope fool when it came to directions.  Yet....making him feel good about himself as a "teacher" was something that I can consciously remember doing when I played so dumb in that classroom over that particular issue.  That's what the codependent taker's take on seeking approval is about.  I was taking class time to goof around and not do our "real" work during that hour...but he was feeling good about himself getting to "teach" the dummy in the class about the true directions of N, S, E, and W.  A win-win as far as I was concerned.  He liked me....I liked him...we approved of each other...but I still took and wasted valuable class time for those others IN our class who really were there to learn---all in the name of my teacher's approval "issue"...and my own!

The codependent taker is still human:  we all want to be "liked" and "loved" when we do.  How does a codependent taker feel liked or love when they are literally working to get the most from others for the least effort?  In its way, feeling liked or loved is tied up with feeling wanted for the codependent taker.  If you "want" me by doing for me....or spending time with me...or saying nice things to me...or giving me literal things....that'll work!  I can and will feel liked or loved by you!  So whenever the codependent taker "scores" by getting verbal affirmation...or quality time spent with another person...or gifts...or having something done for them....all of that "works" to fill that empty well of need for love---and for like.  Which is within all of us, by the way---not just within people who make a habit out of taking from others....

As such...the codependent giver/taker which resides in every soul in existence....doesn't have to accept "that" lifestyle as a given with no other options.  Once again, authentic freedom begins by treating ourselves and others as equals---not as objects.  It continues on by learning how to negotiate and compromise our own needs' satisfaction...and the needs' satisfaction of others while maintaining our own personal boundaries and sense of positive self care.  We don't just do whatever someone else wants...but neither do we only do what we want.  We have to learn to discuss difficult subjects and work through them to a point of mutual compromise and satisfaction.  We must learn where we end...and the other person begins.  We must be appropriately responsible for carrying our "own" load of responsibilities in this life---instead of looking to take on other people's (like it's  our job!)...or let other people take on ours!

Interdependence is the goal of any healthy and authentically intimate relationship between two or more people.  We have to learn to float between being independent...and dependent when under extraordinary burden(s)...and back again.  None of this I'm all wrapped up in you...and you're all wrapped up in me...over stuff that isn't wrap-worthy to begin with!

Until next post.  Have a great week ahead!





  

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Dear Codependent Giver/Taker...

Recently, a letter was published online entitled "Dear Codependent Partner" from the perspective of a narcissist.  After reading it, I was inspired to pen my own letter to anyone who is or has been in a relationship that is toxically codependent.  As I have blogged about before, all of us are naturally codependent.  That's how our culture and families have conditioned us for centuries.  We may think of ourselves as "all good" givers to others;  in fact, we also know how to operate as "all selfish" takers as well.  We flip flop between these two roles in our important personal relationships as we give---and we take---from this person or that person depending on the day, week, month, or year.

Ultimately, all of this codependent giving and taking causes us to treat ourselves and others as mere objects.  Nobody is being viewed or treated as truly equal;  there is no authentic emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy that can occur...and that can last.  Everything and everybody gets reduced down to "What have you done for me lately?" and/or "After all I have done for you!"   As such, here is my letter to the collective "us" who struggle with codependency and the codependent lifestyle...

Dear Codependent Giver/Taker:

Someone very wise once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting a different result.  Codependency is like that.  We keep giving....and we keep taking...and yet we expect unconditional love, acceptance, approval, power, pleasure, and avoidance of responsibility in return.  Yes, that's right!  That's what we want...and why we keep pursuing the codependent lifestyle in the first place.

When we are "giving" to someone else, we want them to approve of us, accept us, and love us for our kindness and care.  That's why we give to who we do when we do.  That's the trade off:  I'll do for you...and you love me, approve of me, and accept me in return for my giving.  No brainer there.

But we also, in our way, want to feel power over that person.  How does that figure?  Well, if they come to "depend" on us for certain things...how is that not teaching them that they cannot do A, B, C, D, or E without our help?  Yes, that's what the need for power in the context of a codependent giver's lifestyle looks like!  If I teach you how to depend and rely on me for this, that, and the other----I am also teaching you how to be incompetent without my help!  Not a good plan!  For codependent givers who are paired up with addicts, this thirst for this type of power is even more prevalent.  Why?  Because who gets to be in charge (of everything!) when the addict is out for the day (or night!) either literally or figuratively.  Addicts don't exactly care about paying bills on time...or doing the grocery shopping...or making any "major" decisions when they are too busy actively pursuing their addiction!  In that sense, the codependent giver has lots of power just because the addict has removed himself or herself out of the "daily responsibilities" box of the relationship!  Throw some kids into the mix and a true sh** show typically results.  The addict is "unavailable"...while the codependent giver is always available---and possesses all the power over those kidlets besides.

What about pleasure?  How does a codependent giver get their need for pleasure satisfied by "giving" to someone else?  Hello!  Does it not feel real good when you give to someone else?  Of course it can!  That counts as a "pleasure fix" big time!  Giving and feeling good about ourselves as we do it can be intoxicating...which codependent givers no doubt want to repeat for themselves as often as possible.  This is how codependent givers can completely groove on the idea of viewing themselves as "St. (Insert Own Name Here) of (Insert City of Residence Here).  Pursuing codependent-inspired martyrdom and pleasure can go together like smoke and fire just reminding us all.  And when the codependent giver burns out on one recipient of their giving efforts, they can always move on to the next candidate they have selected!  After all, if it doesn't feel good anymore to give to Joe---we can always start giving to Nancy instead!  To believe that codependent givers cannot become themselves addicted to this pursuit of ongoing pleasurable feelings as a result of their own giving is both naïve and dumb!

Avoiding responsibility as a codependent giver may not seem clear, but it is when you think about it.  If I am giving to you---I don't have to think about or act on whatever "my" business is that I have been avoiding like the plague.  Think of the old movies where mother is slaving over a hot stove to cook her family's dinner every night---while she can barely stand because of her chronic arthritis.  (Or whatever else she's "not" facing and/or managing for herself on a daily basis!).   Or what about the devoted grandmother who insists on caring for ALL of her grandchildren each and every day while her adult children work full time.  How does that fit in with this avoidance of personal responsibility?  Well...if grandma is so "busy" caring for her grandkids---what time does she have left to maintain and enjoy her relationship(s) with anybody else?  Not much!  In truth, being so "busy" gives grandma all sorts of room to avoid whomever and whatever else because "I have to babysit!"  Again, not a good plan.

Next time, the rest of my letter will discuss how we can roll when we are in our codependent taker mode in satisfying our own needs for approval, acceptance, and unconditional love (or like!) from those others we are taking from...