How Self-Aware Are You?

Just the other day I was talking to a friend who said it was funny how we both knew a third party better than he knew himself.  If this seems strange to read, allow me to put it another way:  when you don't see in yourself what others can see clearly---you may have a problem with self-awareness.

It would be too easy in today's post to focus on all of the "obvious" ways we lack self-awareness.  Alcoholics in denial.....cheapskates who perceive themselves as generous to a fault...people who claim to be heterosexual and yet practice living on the "down low"...  I remember a guy I used to work with back when I was in my early 20s.  We worked for a major automotive manufacturer.  He was someone with an advanced degree and who was required to wear a dress shirt and tie each day to work.  The first time I met him, I thought I was hallucinating because I saw a major and I do mean MAJOR grime ring around his neck (otherwise known as "ring around the collar").  I didn't say anything that day because, to be truthful, I couldn't believe my eyes. 

Because one of his best friends sat two desks away from me, I noticed that his "ring around the collar" issue was not a one-off situation.  He literally had a dirt ring up there each and every day I would see him!  Needless to say, this man was completely unaware of his own inability to either (a) wash his shirts properly, (b) see clearly, (c) wash his face and neck properly, and/or (d) start wearing much darker colored shirts to work!

It is amazing to me what we avoid noticing in ourselves or about ourselves because...????  I used to have a secretary who would get bits of her hair caught up in the White Out tape she used to correct the mistakes on documents she typed up for me.  (Yes, this was in the "old days" before computers were used for this purpose!)  I remember going up to her after yet another "hair in the tape" incident and she just clipped off the excess that stuck out from the paper with some scissors in her desk.  Really?  Yes, really!

I think our inability to be self aware at the levels I just mentioned (personal and image-related habits and hygiene) are most to do with an inner laziness that manifests itself in avoiding some obvious personal responsibilities.  If these individuals mentioned above came to our country from a culture that accepted ring around the collar and hair caught up in the White Out tape...then that's another issue.  However, in most cases, people just don't want to do what they don't feel like doing, period.  Why I am reminded now of the lady in my town who let her gray roots grow out until her hair was literally half gray and half black now becomes quite obvious.  I guess buying a box of Clairol and/or getting a haircut was just too much for her to do or manage...

As I mentioned earlier, all of the above represent pretty obvious examples of individuals who lack self-awareness.  But what about those of us who can't or won't notice the patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we keep repeating over and over again---many times for years or decades? 

Getting back to the man mentioned at the beginning of this post, he has been a "runner" for decades.  I don't mean runner as in a marathon or other forms of foot racing.  I mean a runner in the sense of spending many years of his life in "escape mode".  Rather than face AND make the positive changes associated with overcoming his personal demons...this dude has chosen to keep running away from everything "unpleasant" in his life all of the time.  Some of the ways he presents this pattern of behavior is to berate and/or cut off his wife from discussing any "difficult news" he can't handle emotionally.  It'd be one thing if she was interrupting him in the middle of an important business call to try and "talk" to him;  it's another when he consistently deflects and avoids ANY conversation about "that topic" for days, weeks, and/or months on end.  He's not alone.  Many of us will do a great deal NOT to talk about something we need to talk about---but don't want to.  How many times will it take before the person on the receiving end of that dynamic realizes "He  doesn't want to talk about this subject EVER!!!"

Avoiding uncomfortable feelings, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, avoiding personal responsibilities, avioding present realities, avoiding lessons from the past that can actually teach us something good, avoiding self-destructive habits, avoiding opportunities to actively love another human being:  aka avoiding "the truth about me"!  This is the stuff that determines whether or not a person is self-aware at all---and/or to what degree.

People like to believe their own best press releases.  How many times have I heard first-time clients tell me how honest they are, how magnanamous they are, how hard-working they are, how blah blah blah they are (all positive mind you!)....only to show me by their words and actions the complete opposite truth(s) over time.  I figure if they at least made it into the therapist's office, then there is hope for their authentic healing, change, and growth process.  Even if we don't know what's the matter with us....we sure will be able to tell when we are truly thinking, feeling, and behaving "better".

Self-awareness is a big issue in therapy for anyone who comes in for help.  How self aware are you?
If you are not sure but know you feel more bad than good most days, maybe it's time to make that call and get the right kind of help that IS available to you right now.






















 

Being the Middleman...

Being the middleman or woman in someone else's relationship is a job nobody actively seeks out.  As Gustav Flaubert once said (and I'm paraphrasing here, so forgive me for that!):  There are some men whose only role among others is to act as intermediaries;  one crosses them like a bridge and keeps on going.  Put another way, when you find yourself inserted in the middle of someone else's messy relationship, step away from those bus wheels which are about to roll over your head any minute now!  Yet we do it.  Why we do it can range from "I'm bored and this beats watching reruns on the t.v.!" to "But I sincerely want to HELP fix things for them!"  Neither logic will lead us anywhere good as the proverbial middleman. Just like certain species that make a point of eating their young, well-intended middlemen too often end up as someone else's lunch.

Let's look as Asia and Samuel.  Married for ten years, Asia's close friend Peter has known Asia his entire life.  With mothers as best friends and neighbors, Peter and Asia "met in the crib" as their mothers would joke.  Peter met Samuel several months before Asia and Samuel got married;  Peter thought Samuel appeared to be a stand-up guy who truly loved his friend Asia. 

Yet, as can often happen, Asia and Samuel didn't turn to each other often enough when they had conflicts to resolve as a couple.  Instead, Asia started whispering into Peter's ear about all the ways in which Samuel was disappointing her.  "He's cheap!"  "He yells at me about how I spend money!"  "He's obsessive about stupid things and extremely negative even though he wasn't that way when we first met!"...and on and on Asia went. 

Meanwhile, Samuel started to ask Peter to join him for pick-up basketball games on Saturday mornings at the local community center.  Peter was primarily interested in playing some ball;  Samuel had other ideas.  At first, Samuel would ask Peter about Asia and how she was before Samuel entered the picture.  This line of questioning made Peter uncomfortable, but he tried to be upbeat and positive about it.  Truth be told, there was a time when Asia actually confronted Peter about why he never wanted her as a girlfriend or a wife.  Back then, Peter was dumbfounded because he never thought of Asia as anyone he was attracted to "that way", let alone someone he would consider marrying.  As far as Peter was concerned, that time in his and Asia's life was beyond ancient history---but Samuel continued to question Peter as if Peter held some special key to understanding Asia that Samuel didn't possess.

As time went by, Samuel began to share details about his life with Asia to Peter that Peter wasn't surprised by.  After all, Peter grew up with Asia;  he already knew she was the jealous type.  He already knew she liked to be in control and buy buy buy things for herself even though she she was always broke.  Peter also thought about how Asia worked way too many hours at every job she had, but rarely had anything good to say about those jobs and the bosses she had.  As a matter of fact, Peter was reminded by all of Samuel's sharing about Asia why he, Peter, wasn't ever romantically interested in her!  She hadn't changed much at all over the past two decades!  Yet Peter still cared for her like a sister and felt bad that Samuel was struggling so. 

Maybe Peter could actually encourage Sam to look past Asia's obvious flaws and faults and focus on her good qualities.  Asia, for one thing, was totally hilarious.  She could make anyone laugh.  Asia was also a fabulous cook.  There were many things about Asia that were positive;  however, Peter knew deep down that Asia's willingness to change was about zero.  She already thought she was all that and the bag of chips and diet Coke to go with!

After many months of Asia in one ear and Samuel in the other, Peter grew tired of feeling that his suggestions were falling on two sets of clogged ears.  No matter how much he tried to emotionally support both Asia and Samuel...their fighting and arguing progressed to the point of each threatening to divorce the other.  Peter knew this was true when both Asia and Samuel told him on separate occasions that they were each "going to the lawyer's office!" because they were done.

Fast forward to another twelve months going by.  By this time, Peter actually feels closer in his relationship to Samuel than with Asia.  Maybe it was the two years of playing basketball every weekend that did it;  who knows?  Peter couldn't even remember the last time Asia called him.  Thinking about everything more deeply, Peter concluded that Samuel and Asia both were trying to compete with each other about who deserved more care from the other in their marriage.  Peter was so glad he wasn't married and never had been. 

Peter decides to finally have a pow wow with Asia just to clear the air.  Peter wanted to let her know how he hoped she was o.k. and getting on better with Samuel.  When he met her for lunch, he was shocked at her ultimate reaction to his invitation.  Sitting down at the table together, Asia immediately launched into how Peter betrayed her by becoming closer friends "now" with Samuel. (Well, she always was the jealous type after all!)  She also accused Peter of suggesting things to Samuel that Peter never said.  In this moment, Peter realized that Samuel was willing to lie to Asia about what Peter suggested just so Samuel would be proven "right" in her eyes.  She told Peter everything she believed was wrong with his character going back to their time as little kids.  By the time Asia finished, Peter felt like everything he believed to be true about Asia in the "dark" sense was being confirmed (one again!) in spades.  Peter felt extremely sad for Asia.  The things she had to work on before she married were clearly exacerbated negatively by her past ten years with Samuel.  This wasn't a he-said she-said issue;  this was something bigger and more tragic than Peter's ability to "fix" it.  Peter apologized to Asia for his interference albiet well-intended and left the table a changed man.

Peter decided to step way back and let both Asia and Samuel go.  His role as intermediary ended in him being treated in the same way Asia and Samuel treated each other behind closed doors;  it felt twisted and so very very wrong.  Ultimately, Asia and Samuel did get divorced, but Peter never heard about it.  He was long gone by then.  As for Asia and Samuel?  She moved to another state and he stayed put in the home they once shared.  And life of course keeps on keeping on...
-----------------
Clinically speaking, Asia and Samuel both struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder as mutual survivors of childhood abuse and neglect.  Both also struggled with an anxiety disorder (Asia had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder;  Samuel had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder).  As for Peter, he was highly codependent and learned the hard way that he was the only one genuinely interested in "fixing" what was going on between Asia and Peter.  Like that was ever going to work!

Have a great week!












 

Just Between You and Me....

One of my favorite songs has always been DC Talk's "Between You and Me" about a friendship gone awry.   I've attached the official YouTube video to my blog so anyone reading this post can listen to it.  It's an amazing testimony to the importance of true friendship and the need, in each of us, to confess to and forgive each other when making amends.

It's a funny thing about friendship.  I was talking earlier today to an old friend who I hadn't spoken to in quite a while.  We have known each other for decades.  Given the circumstances leading up to our contact today, I knew it was time to resolve "something" as ours had once been a strong bond.  I was prepared for the friendship to offically end...just as I was prepared for some mutual healing to take place.  I had no idea which way it would go.

As we listened to one another, it became clear to me how easy it is to create stories in our own heads about what is "true" about someone who has hurt us in the past...or is perceived to be doing so right now in the present.  It didn't take long for me to figure out that we were both thrown under the bus by a third party who was saying one thing to my friend (about me) and another thing to me (about my friend) in order to maintain some sense of control over both of us.  Hey, it happens.  For whatever reason(s), third parties can get or be jealous of.....want the #1 position as "best friend to..." etc. etc.  In our situation, however, this third party was and is someone we both care about in spite of all.  We agreed that we would give our third party a pass and take what this person says in the future to each of us with the proverbial grain of salt---and change the subject accordingly.

What was refreshing about "hashing it out" with my friend today was knowing and feeling how honest exchanges of information and care can really repair emotionally intimate bonds that have been broken.  Don't get me wrong;  my friend and I have a long way to go and our relationship will certainly never be as it once was.  It can't be.  We are older now;  we are both hopefully wiser, and what bonded us thirty years ago isn't necessarily what we want bonding us in 2014 or beyond!  My friend was clearly hurt as a result of my sins of the past and vice versa;  I'm grateful we could get some of that stuff out to each other and in the open so we could move on.  I hope we did.  Time will tell.

In the meantime, I know I am a work in progress...and all any of us are doing is attempting to walk each other home on any given day.  I don't have to be over-responsible for anyone else's feelings or happiness...and neither does anyone else in regards to me.  I need to be about speaking the truth in love and with grace at all times, though I have to admit that can be quite the challenge.  I think I am the only therapist I know who has received calls like this one:  "I was referred to you by.....but they told me I have to tell you when your swearing offends me."  Yep that is true---though I am still working on cleaning up my mouth without having to be reminded of it.  ;-)

Just as the song tells us, "Just between you and me I've got something to say I want to get it straight before the sun goes down.  Just between you and me confession needs to be made;  recompense is my way to freedom---it's my way to freedom..."

Peeling our pride away to confess our transgressions and ask forgiveness demonstrates the best of who we are and are capable of being.  Here's to authentic friendship and to the love that bonds us as members of the same human family.

Until next time...







 

DC Talk - Between You And Me (Official Music Video)

When There's A Borderline In The House....

One of my areas of specialty is treating individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, part of the "Cluster B" family of personality disorders.  Cluster B'ers are commonly referred to in our field as the "dramatic and erratic" group.  For Borderlines, life has not been an easy road.  Crisis, chaos, and drama became too comfortably familiar for too long;  trauma, abuse, and neglect represented more of "situation normal" than anyone would care to admit within one's family of origin. 

If Borderlines could speak just a single sentence to sum up their pathology, it would be this one:  "Are you for me or are you against me?"  With Borderlines, life and relationships are very black and white.  If you agree and cooperate with a Borderline...you're an angel.  Disagree or challenge, and you are satan incarnate.  The primary reason behind this pattern of thinking is that Borderlines have major issues with their ability to trust others.  Trust for them was shattered into a million pieces going way way back.  Borderlines struggle with ongoing instability in regards to their own mood states, self-image, and relationships.  They are very unpredictable people.  The tag line here is "The only thing predictable about a borderline is their unpredictability.."  Often, people confuse borderline personality disorder with bipolar mood disorder because there is so much symptom overlap.  And yet it is possible for a person to be both bipolar and borderline personality disordered.

Borderline mothers are a unique breed because they will typically say one thing and do another when it comes to their overall parenting style.  Regardless of the situation at hand, BPD moms aren't so much about doing the "right" thing---but the "right" thing for them personally in any given moment.  BPD moms fall into four general subtypes:  the queen, the witch, the waif, and the hermit.  One of the greatest books written on this topic of BPD moms is "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson.  It's a classic.  I have used it to help adult children of BPD moms to realize how what happened to them was NOT their fault.  If there was ever a group who was into transmitting their own pain to others rather than being transformed by it into better people---it's the BPD parent.

The original book written way back when on BPD is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold Kreisman.  Talk about a title that says it all!  I have seen Borderlines basically shut their eyes to serious dysfunctions present within their child(ren)...so long as the child(ren) involved never leave(s) home.  How sick is that?  Well, not so much for the Borderline.  Remember, Borderlines are all about THEIR OWN perception of personal safety and self-preservation.  So what if Johnny is a drug-addicted alcoholic since he was 15 years old?  So long as he's never left home (now that he's 50!) and is at mama's beckoned call 24/7...it's all good. 

Borderlines are fascinating to the same extent that they are maddening.  Their thinking and behavior typically defies logic because they have no clue who they authentically are deep down inside.  Borderlines typically complain of feeling "empty" without someone "there" to play "g"od for them in their lives.  Spiritually speaking, Borderlines are on a constant search for that person who will function as their "g"od in life.  On the other hand, Borderlines can themselves play "g"od very easily in the lives of others as well---especially their own child(ren).  The problem here is that they are constantly disappointed...and disappointing---which makes their pathology more pronounced when left undiagnosed and untreated over time.

Treating BPD successfully is possible, but it is hard work and requires that the BPDer be strongly committed to his or her own healing process.  I've mentioned two books here to get one started on finding out more about BPD.  Another great book is "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason and Randi Krieger, which is focused on assisting those who have a BPD loved one.

Ultimately, BPDers have had a very rough life;  the only problem is that they keep spreading their woundedness around to others like it's their job.  Spreading one's pain around to others like literal poop is never a good idea.  The goal should be to get authentically better as a person and break the legacy of dysfunction handed down from past generations...

If you suspect that you may struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, feel free to give me a call when you are ready so we can do the good work of healing, positive change, and growth.











 

The Fine Art of the Fleece....

When I was a kid, I remember some strange man coming up to our porch one summer afternoon and looking right at me through our screen door as I sat on our living room couch.  He told me to go get my mother and, when I did, he asked her to give him a sandwich and something to drink because he was hungry.  Nobody else was home but she and I;  she quickly went into the kitchen and came back with bag---which she handed to him through the door.  I don't know if she knew him at all or not;  I don't even know if she said anything to him as part of their encounter.  All I knew then as I do now is that the experience was beyond confusing for me.  I mean, if that was all it took to get something to eat from a total stranger---I was in!  On the other hand, if we were just unknowingly filmed for the latest episode of "Candid Camera", where was Allen Funt?  As it turned out, my mother dismissed the whole circumstance as "situation normal" and left it at that.  For me, it marked the beginnings of my own conscious investigation into what motivates people to give to others...and why.

A friend of mine said just tonite that this practice of knocking on doors for food was very common during the times when hobos traveled by train (by jumping on and off them that is).  Given that a train ran right across the street from where I grew up, this may have been the explanation for what happened that day in my life nearly a half century ago.  All I know is that my mother did what she was asked and did it swiftly and without question.  To assume she gave food to this man out of a sense of brotherly love is pushing it;  I think she was scared witless.

Giving out of a sense of fear is nothing new.  Once when a friend of mine was held up at gun point not even a block from the school where she taught, she truly believed she would die over the contents of her purse.  Another was pushed hard to the ground the first (and thankfully last!) time she was mugged while returning a video to Blockbuster.

There is, however, another type of fear that motivates a person to give which can lead to the proverbial "lose lose" situation.  In these instances, the fine art of the fleece can and does cut both ways.  The giver is motivated to give because of fears within his or her own heart that often go unrecognized and unspoken;  the taker is motivated to receive because of fears that, if recognized, would probably lead to more mayhem for the giver than the fleecing process itself!  Oh what a codependent trap we weave when we practice to deceive---and that deception is literally a two-way street leading nowhere good....

Let's look at Norma.  A widow for many years, Norma used to be and feel relevant.  Having been married for over forty years to a man who was traditionally and conservatively bent, Norma bore five of his children and made a lifestyle out of loving and serving others first.  As Norma attempted to teach her family how to comfortably serve others as she had...she had instead taught them to become comfortable with being served by her.  After the children left to raise families of their own, Norma's husband suddenly died of heart failure in his early 70s.  Norma felt completely lost without him.  After several months of feeling like an emotional zombie, Norma decided to call a local handyman to come fix something she felt her son-in-law couldn't be bothered with.  The next thing you know, Norma and her new handyman "George" were seen having breakfast together at the local diner---which Norma pays for.  The next thing you know after that, Norma is taking George out for early-bird dinner on Tuesday nights.  Mind you, George is the same age as Norma's youngest daughter, but who cares when George is such GOOD company and really seems to genuinely cherish Norma's friendship (in Norma's mind that is!).  Do you see where this train is heading friends?  $375,000 and some years later, Norma still can't believe that George fleeced her along with several other "elderly" single females from their same town.  "He's my friend!" Norma continues to declare to this very day.  "He's my friend and he would NEVER intentionally deceive me!"  Okay Norma.  Whatever you say....

Norma is not unlike so many others who have used their own "giving" to buy attention---and a relationship.  Norma, by the way, didn't invent this concept;  it's been around for centuries.  Norma, in this case, happened to be an elderly woman...but this mutual-fleecing process goes on regardless of one's age, socio-economic status, ethnicity, or educational background.  Norma wanted attention.  Norma also wanted to feel good about herself.  Norma needed to be needed;  even when someone like George showed up in all his nefarious glory with smooth words and smoother lies.  Unfortunately for Norma, her adult children were too embarrassed to pursue legal action against George and have otherwise been too busy to agree on any next-step strategies...

The fine art of the fleece isn't always about innocent victims being taken by surprise by a big bad wolf.  Often times, we're talking about two wolves from different packs who find each other---with one just being a bit more adamant about what they want to get from the other---and when.  Ultimately, some of us are willing to pay a very heavy price for things we should have been able to receive freely all along.  Whomever said you can't buy or hurry love sure was speaking the truth.  Yet for as long as people are willing to live in denial about what makes for a good and healthy relationship, we will always find the wolves---and the the fine art of the fleece---ever-present in our culture.





 

When Being Bad Feels Bad....

I was on an online message board a couple of months ago focused on personality disorders.  Someone on the board took issue with my thread discussing the link between sociopathy and evil.  As one would imagine, everything but the kitchen sink got hurled into the mix:  "There is no such animal as morality.." "Evil is merely a construct used to brainwash groups into playing nice..." etc. etc.  When all was said and done, I made a point to ask the following question:  "What the point of being good if being good has no point?"

Conversely, why do the vast majority of us feel bad when we think or act badly?  Don't worry, this isn't a trick question.  If you feel bad when you engage in wrongful stuff literally or figuratively, that's something to actually be thankful for.  It's when you don't feel anything after being "bad" which signals you are in trouble.  When testing kids for the presence of empathy, I will use a two-sided card.  One side is one color...another side is a very different color.  I show both sides to the client and then hold the card up with one color facing them.  Then I will ask, "What color am I looking at now?"  If they answer the color that they are looking at, we got a problem Houston.  People who lack empathy have a very difficult time putting themselves in someone else's shoes---even when participating in a simple test like this one in my office. 

I myself was tested in recent weeks regarding my own inner badness as my 90 year old aunt had required an emergency hospitalization and subsequent placement in rehab.  Married for 63 years before her husband's death last December, my aunt was not a central fixture in my own life growing up.  To suggest ours was a complex relationship is a massive understatement.  She and my uncle never had any children of their own and spent a vast majority of their time traveling and socializing with people from their same ethic background.  Needless to say, I "know" my aunt in one sense--but I never knew her in the other, much more important, sense.  She remained polite and cheerful over the decades, but always maintained a definite distance from me and my own family of origin.  Now that the tables have turned, I have been baptized by fire as to what makes my aunt tick these days and how her own glaring lack of empathy has affected me personally.  This is especially true because I am her last living biological relative who hasn't made a career out of exploiting her financially or otherwise.

I have to say, acting first (badly of course!) and stopping last is never a helpful strategy in this life.  I have used the "Stop!  Relax!  Think!  Act!" mantra hundreds of times in therapy to assist clients who had developed the bad habit of wrecking themselves before checking themselves in any given relationship scenario.  I even created a wall plaque that says:  "Act?  Stop?  Relax?  Think?  And you wonder why you've got problems?"!  However often I've said that though, it is ironic how when our backs are up against the proverbial wall---we are all STILL sorely tempted to act (usually badly!) first----and think last!

Being bad in whatever capacity feels bad.  I haven't had a pimple on my face in about 20 years;  I have one now though.  Given that I about turned into a tomato the other day after being harshly judged and falsely accused of not hopping high enough and often enough to suit my aunt----the last thing I wanted or needed was bright red zit to commemorate my ugly feelings both inside and out.  And even though I know my aunt is 90 years old and now battling with dementia, I conveniently "forgot" all that as I heard demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand like a broken record.

Feeling bad about thinking or acting bad is rotten feeling.  As I have said in the past so many times, surrender is that small space between acceptance and change.  I have to tattoo that on my forehead or something!  I must accept what is knowing that the only person in life I can change is me.  Not my aunt...not you...not anyone else.  Just me.  As my favorite version of the Serenity Prayer goes:  "God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me."  Amen to that.  Even though I feel very bad about what my aunt is going through, I feel worse about my focus on how "all of this" has affected me negatively.  I need to stop.  I need to relax.  I need to think.  And then I need to think again.  And as I am being reminded, I need to surrender my will to the will of He who carries this universe on His shoulders.  And that "He" certainly is NOT me! 

Until next time...