I was having a phone conversation with an old friend of mine today. We talked about lots of things---among them the topic of "lying" came up. I told him about a friend of mine who has recently lied to me in a very big way and how disappointed I was as a result. He then asked me point blank why people lie. So, here's my answer to that question...
Lying is our own dysfunctional way of painting a better and prettier picture for ourselves (and others) of reality. That's the sanitized version which does not take into account pre-existing mood disorders, an abuse history, avoiding personal responsibility as a way of life, poor or non-existent self-esteem, a lust for power, and problems with jealousy and envy. When these other issues are part and parcel of a person's inner reality---then lying becomes much more than a bad habit we need to break. It can and does become "second nature" in order to "do" life and relationships day-by-day...
Addicts are a phenomenal example to look at when it comes to lying as a lifestyle. Did you ever meet an addict who did NOT lie? Being addicted and lying goes together like urine and excrement. (Though I put it less clinically to my friend in our conversation today!). Of course with addicts, it's fairly obvious why they lie as much as they do: they want money to buy drugs, they want to be left alone to use drugs, they want to feel like they have more control over their life than they really do, they want to keep using drugs without any accountability, etc. etc. and the list goes on. Addicts are also addicts because they use their substance or addictive process of choice to avoid facing the pain (past and/or present) of their lives. As such, why would an addict be truthful? There's no "point" to it in the larger context of their life and lifestyle choices. Lying not only helps them avoid facing their painful past histories...but allows an addict to keep getting high without authentic guilt, remorse, or incentive to change. Many addicts have told me point blank they'd prefer death than to face the pain they are working so hard to avoid. Obviously these folks don't get it about how the truth sets us free once we start talking truth to ourselves and others. But that's another topic for another blog post....
What about liars whose lives seem to appear quite "normal" to the untrained eye? Why would they lie? Well---once again, to paint a prettier picture. If I can persuade you that I am more patient, kind-hearted, loving, accepting, good, (fill in the blank with whatever else!) than the next person through my lies (as opposed to just "showing" you through my life and behavior)---then guess what? I'm going to be more tempted to lie to you under the "right" circumstances in my own mind. We all do this from time to time with each other. Maybe we don't believe our own resume of accomplishments ("I may be the CEO of this company, but I really feel like an imposter just playing a role...") and aren't even consciously aware of how poorly we think of and/or treat ourselves in the general sense. I've had plenty of clients who have looked at me askance when I've suggested how they can learn to accept themselves, as they are and, as a result, treat themselves kinder and gentler over time. You'd think I'd have suggested that they run in the middle of I-696 during rush hour!
The saying I love the most about lying is this: Always tell the truth so you don't have to remember what you said. Lying is hard work. It is ultimately destructive. It serves no good and positive purpose over time. It's---a LIE! A "false reality" to go along with a person's "false self" which has been created to avoid the truth in all its shapes and forms. Lying by choice or by unconscious default is a terrible way to live. A person who falls into the trap of lying as a way of life is living only 1/2 a life if that.
Breaking lying as a bad habit or lifestyle choice is possible. It begins by getting real (and truthful!) with oneself and then sharing that truth with a trusted other. Whether that trusted other is a friend, pastor, family member, or professional therapist....it's the first step in getting better-----by getting real.
Until next time...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Passive Aggressive Partner...
O.K. Kim. This one's for you...
My favorite description of passive aggressive behavior is this: "it's only passive aggressive when it's not on purpose". Inotherwords, PAs (as I will refer to the passive-aggressives among us from now on) are masters of saying one thing and doing another with the end result being as follows: it hurts someone else.
Behaving in a passive aggressive way comes very VERY easily to all of us. Why is this? I believe it is because we have such a hard time being appropriately ASSERTIVE with each other. Looking only at basic communication styles for a moment..there are only so many choices of "how" we can present our feelings, needs, and wants when we communicate with each other.
These four choices are as follows: we are either passive communicators ("o.k.", "whatever you say honey", "I don't need anything", "I don't mind", "no, I'm just fine..nothing is wrong"), or aggressive communicators ("No way!", "Get out of here right now!", "I hate you!", I can't stand the sight of you!"), or passive-aggressive communicators (passive compliance verbally and then passive resistence literally--your words NOT matching your subsequent actions), or finally assertive communicators (appropriately identifying and expressing how you feel and what you want, and/or need in a comfortable and timely manner while also graciously accepting the other person's "yes", "no", or "maybe later" response(s) to you). Without learning how to be appropriately assertive in our communication style...we will "naturally" fall into one of the other three categories without consciously being aware of it.
That's how passive aggressive behavior can initially rear its ugly head in our basic communication practices with one another. And listen, we all do it and have done it. If some telemarketer calls me up on the phone and says, "Can I send you this blah blah for you to at least review before you decide", I sometimes will say, "Sure, go ahead!" Invariably, if the thing actually arrives in the mail, I usually deposit it into File 13 (the garbage can). That's being passive aggressive. Yet I can easily justify my PA behavior by saying to myself, "Who cares? It was just a telemarketer and he forgot about me and vice versa as soon as he hung up!" We are all PAs in our own way and under our own specific set of "acceptable" circumstances. Anyone trying to sell me something I don't need or want, being a PA is the "nicest way" to blow them off while appearing polite and mannerly in the process. I also can function like a PA when I am hurt, angry, lonely, tired, or sad---just to name a few "uncomfortable" feelings I may be experiencing. This acronym (HALTS! Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sad) helps us to be aware of the triggers that can cause us to go PA without a second thought!
We get into major trouble, however, when our passive aggressive behavior becomes habitual or chronic---and of course involves those others we claim to "love" (such as a spouse, partner, child, or family member). When PA behavior morphs into a lifestyle choice, this is when it can become a personality issue. Instead of practicing PA behavior now and then or once in a while---individuals with PA personality disorder ultimately make it very clear that they don't do what they don't want to do---ever!
In our close personal relationships, PAs can wreck havoc. PAs often appear as sullen, resentful, stubborn, and so often "unable" to do the things that they agreed to do in the first place. This last bit is referred to as "learned helplessness". PAs are also great procrastinators. For example, PAs may take hours to get ready for a party they do not want to attend in the first place..and once there, do not appropriately interact with the other guests, complain about the (fill in the blank here!), want to leave early, etc. etc. When a PA is really good at what he or she does, they'll arrive to the party when it is nearly over!
For couples, abstinence is a common complaint when it comes to physical intimacy. Be it the husband or the wife, "no sex" is the ultimate "I'll show you" PA behavior. I recently heard about a couple who were going out for their 20th wedding anniversary. Restaurant reservations were made, both parties were on board about going, etc. etc. Once at the restaurant, hubby decided to start beeatching about everything in his life that was bringing him down. His job...his financial problems...his dis-satisfaction with the food once it arrived at the table. Grant it, he wasn't yelling during dinner or being "overtly" hostile. Yet his hostility and anger were coming through loud and clear GIVEN THE SUBJECT MATTER he brought to the table in the first place! Needless to say, when this couple when home and hubby was ready to play, wife had a headache and went immediately to sleep. Two-way PA in action!
Why are PAs this way to begin with? One area of understanding has to do with avoiding responsibility. PAs who like work but don't like people so much are a great example. These are the folks who view "Work as play and play as work"; in personality assessment circles these are known as the "green" personalities. They can be extremely responsible when it comes to getting up and going to work every day and putting in a full day (or more) of concentrated effort. But once back home, it's shut down time. Your spouse may smile at you and eat dinner with you and pat each kid on the head for 5 or 10 minutes---but there is NO authentic interaction to build and/or maintain emotional intimacy as a couple. This is often because the PA doesn't want to be responsible for his or her emotional availability in general...let alone towards you, as their spouse and/or partner. It's too much work. Don't wanna do it. Forget it. Later.
Another reason why PAs develop has to do with their invalidating experiences as children. Parents who are overly critical...parents who are just "gone" generally speaking...parents who have verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused their children...all of these experiences do contribute towards the development of habitual and/or chronic PA behavior at the very least!
In the end, passive aggressive behavior can be corrected---but it takes the desire to do so, time, and practice. So the next time you feel like saying "yes" when you are really feeling like "no" instead---just practice saying no and leave it at that! That's progress.
My favorite description of passive aggressive behavior is this: "it's only passive aggressive when it's not on purpose". Inotherwords, PAs (as I will refer to the passive-aggressives among us from now on) are masters of saying one thing and doing another with the end result being as follows: it hurts someone else.
Behaving in a passive aggressive way comes very VERY easily to all of us. Why is this? I believe it is because we have such a hard time being appropriately ASSERTIVE with each other. Looking only at basic communication styles for a moment..there are only so many choices of "how" we can present our feelings, needs, and wants when we communicate with each other.
These four choices are as follows: we are either passive communicators ("o.k.", "whatever you say honey", "I don't need anything", "I don't mind", "no, I'm just fine..nothing is wrong"), or aggressive communicators ("No way!", "Get out of here right now!", "I hate you!", I can't stand the sight of you!"), or passive-aggressive communicators (passive compliance verbally and then passive resistence literally--your words NOT matching your subsequent actions), or finally assertive communicators (appropriately identifying and expressing how you feel and what you want, and/or need in a comfortable and timely manner while also graciously accepting the other person's "yes", "no", or "maybe later" response(s) to you). Without learning how to be appropriately assertive in our communication style...we will "naturally" fall into one of the other three categories without consciously being aware of it.
That's how passive aggressive behavior can initially rear its ugly head in our basic communication practices with one another. And listen, we all do it and have done it. If some telemarketer calls me up on the phone and says, "Can I send you this blah blah for you to at least review before you decide", I sometimes will say, "Sure, go ahead!" Invariably, if the thing actually arrives in the mail, I usually deposit it into File 13 (the garbage can). That's being passive aggressive. Yet I can easily justify my PA behavior by saying to myself, "Who cares? It was just a telemarketer and he forgot about me and vice versa as soon as he hung up!" We are all PAs in our own way and under our own specific set of "acceptable" circumstances. Anyone trying to sell me something I don't need or want, being a PA is the "nicest way" to blow them off while appearing polite and mannerly in the process. I also can function like a PA when I am hurt, angry, lonely, tired, or sad---just to name a few "uncomfortable" feelings I may be experiencing. This acronym (HALTS! Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sad) helps us to be aware of the triggers that can cause us to go PA without a second thought!
We get into major trouble, however, when our passive aggressive behavior becomes habitual or chronic---and of course involves those others we claim to "love" (such as a spouse, partner, child, or family member). When PA behavior morphs into a lifestyle choice, this is when it can become a personality issue. Instead of practicing PA behavior now and then or once in a while---individuals with PA personality disorder ultimately make it very clear that they don't do what they don't want to do---ever!
In our close personal relationships, PAs can wreck havoc. PAs often appear as sullen, resentful, stubborn, and so often "unable" to do the things that they agreed to do in the first place. This last bit is referred to as "learned helplessness". PAs are also great procrastinators. For example, PAs may take hours to get ready for a party they do not want to attend in the first place..and once there, do not appropriately interact with the other guests, complain about the (fill in the blank here!), want to leave early, etc. etc. When a PA is really good at what he or she does, they'll arrive to the party when it is nearly over!
For couples, abstinence is a common complaint when it comes to physical intimacy. Be it the husband or the wife, "no sex" is the ultimate "I'll show you" PA behavior. I recently heard about a couple who were going out for their 20th wedding anniversary. Restaurant reservations were made, both parties were on board about going, etc. etc. Once at the restaurant, hubby decided to start beeatching about everything in his life that was bringing him down. His job...his financial problems...his dis-satisfaction with the food once it arrived at the table. Grant it, he wasn't yelling during dinner or being "overtly" hostile. Yet his hostility and anger were coming through loud and clear GIVEN THE SUBJECT MATTER he brought to the table in the first place! Needless to say, when this couple when home and hubby was ready to play, wife had a headache and went immediately to sleep. Two-way PA in action!
Why are PAs this way to begin with? One area of understanding has to do with avoiding responsibility. PAs who like work but don't like people so much are a great example. These are the folks who view "Work as play and play as work"; in personality assessment circles these are known as the "green" personalities. They can be extremely responsible when it comes to getting up and going to work every day and putting in a full day (or more) of concentrated effort. But once back home, it's shut down time. Your spouse may smile at you and eat dinner with you and pat each kid on the head for 5 or 10 minutes---but there is NO authentic interaction to build and/or maintain emotional intimacy as a couple. This is often because the PA doesn't want to be responsible for his or her emotional availability in general...let alone towards you, as their spouse and/or partner. It's too much work. Don't wanna do it. Forget it. Later.
Another reason why PAs develop has to do with their invalidating experiences as children. Parents who are overly critical...parents who are just "gone" generally speaking...parents who have verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused their children...all of these experiences do contribute towards the development of habitual and/or chronic PA behavior at the very least!
In the end, passive aggressive behavior can be corrected---but it takes the desire to do so, time, and practice. So the next time you feel like saying "yes" when you are really feeling like "no" instead---just practice saying no and leave it at that! That's progress.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Man-*hores and the *omen Who Love Them....
I think this will be the title of a book one day. I'm debating whether or not to insert the "W" where appropriate...but I'll figure it out. Listen, this is probably the most "G"-rated version of a book title I could come up with on this topic. I had toyed with "Whoring Husbands and Wacked-out Wives"; that reminded me too much of an episode of The Sopranos so I opted out of that one. Then there was, "The Man-Whore of the House and the Family Who Are Stuck With Him"...but then I figured it's complicated enough just talking about how Man-whoredom affects wives and girlfriends. If I start getting into how children and adult children are affected by man-whores, I'd have to write a whole new book! (Part II, that's it!) Instead, I will focus for now on what I have to say about this very hot and taboo topic that often comes up (far too often!) in psychotherapy...
First, let's clarify what a man-whore (hereafter referred to as MW to make it easier on me!) is. Yes, that's right. You got it. See how easy that was? He's a man...and he's also a whore.
Let's start with the first common dynamic among MWs and their significant others. Let's assume you are the wife or girlfriend of a MW and you know it. You have known it for a long time, you feel powerless to change his MWing ways, and you don't care so long as he keeps his antics discreet from those others who might "judge" him, or you, or the both of you in a negative way. One question I have to ask you, as a psychotherapist, is how you ever came to accept MWing as something that is "normal" or "normal enough" for him to pursue within the context of your relationship? I mean, are you yourself the adult child of a current or former MW? Don't balk; this is a very common thread present among women who choose a MW. Why is it common? Because whether you are consciously aware of it or not...you believe somewhere deep down inside yourself that either (a) you really can ultimately "fix him" somehow (unlike him whom you couldn't fix from your past), (b) you aren't deserving of anything better anyway than a MW for a significant other, and/or (c) you're the same way and what the heck, today they call it an "open" relationship! If you have more options here to add, please feel free to contact me and I'll consider them: www.yourweeklysession@hotmail.com
Whatever your own core beliefs are about why you chose and are putting up with the MW in your life...please be aware of the DAMAGE such a lifestyle will cause you (and your children if you have them) over time. Right now there happens to be a case on True TV about a doctor in Ohio who was so busy MWing his way through his part of Ohio...he had sex with seven different women within 24 hours AND gave the gift of a sexually-transmitted disease to his wife and some of these "others" he had been playing with. He's on trial for poisoning his wife; I say she was already poisoned the day she said "I Do" to this idiot. Grant it, you may not end up dead as a result of your husband's MWing ways and lifestyle...but hey--it's all a matter of degrees now isn't it? How many women have I seen who I believe are truly "dead" inside as a result of their husband's philandering ways? I can tell you here and now, far far too many...
MWs don't have a conscience (obviously!) in this area of their lives. And I hate to tell you, they probably don't have a conscience in other areas of their lives as well. I mean can we get real here? Do you think your typical MW truly functions as a "good guy" when anyone gets to meet or know him for more than a minute? The answer here is, in case you were wondering, N-O! What you find is that lying, cheating, and being willing to throw anyone under the bus so long as it isn't oneself is what MWs do really well---and quite naturally. And when was the last time you saw a MW in action who didn't look at and treat his potential prey as a piece of kobe beef? Come on now ladies, g-e-t-r-e-a-l! Most any woman with an IQ over 90 who has been "targeted" past or present by a MW learns to recognize ANY MW pretty quickly when she stumbles across one. They treat us like objects, they invaribly turn the conversation into something sexual, they stare at the body part(s) which most interest them...it's almost comical how "transparent" a MW can be in social situations! So if you were living under the false impression that "nobody knows" your significant other is a MW but you....WRONG! DING DING DING! We know.
Another question I like to ask women who are involved with MWs is this: if you say you truly "love" him...how is what he is doing TO YOU any form of "love" in return? It's not. It's abuse. It's a twist on the typical forms of abuse...but it's still abuse. Think about that. MWs typically don't think very much of women even though they may obsessed by them and "want" them every which way and Sunday. But seriously, how can a man who is MWing around REALLY have any deeply-felt respect for women in general? They don't. Want an example? I don't care what anyone says to me about strip bars and how "o.k." they are. All I have to do is turn it around to make my point. What if instead of adult women stripping, strip bars suddenly changed and the only "strippers" to watch were underage kids? How "respectful" is that of a fellow human being? Every stripper working today knows he or she is paid to function as a lust-fantasy object (yes, OBJECT) for every viewer in sight. MWs and strip bar junkies are are cut from the same cloth in this respect; they do NOT respect women as the fellow human beings they are. All they want is to satisfy their own need at someone else's expense. Just because there are women out there willing to be "used" in this way still doesn't make it right!
As a woman who loves a MW...you can try to believe that he loves and "respects" you, but believe me honey, he does NOT! The bigger question here is why you don't love and respect yourself either!
Well, that's it for tonite's post! I figured if I had to start out 2011 with a bang on a topic that is guaranteed to ruffle plenty of feathers, this is the one! Happy New Year...and until next time!
First, let's clarify what a man-whore (hereafter referred to as MW to make it easier on me!) is. Yes, that's right. You got it. See how easy that was? He's a man...and he's also a whore.
Let's start with the first common dynamic among MWs and their significant others. Let's assume you are the wife or girlfriend of a MW and you know it. You have known it for a long time, you feel powerless to change his MWing ways, and you don't care so long as he keeps his antics discreet from those others who might "judge" him, or you, or the both of you in a negative way. One question I have to ask you, as a psychotherapist, is how you ever came to accept MWing as something that is "normal" or "normal enough" for him to pursue within the context of your relationship? I mean, are you yourself the adult child of a current or former MW? Don't balk; this is a very common thread present among women who choose a MW. Why is it common? Because whether you are consciously aware of it or not...you believe somewhere deep down inside yourself that either (a) you really can ultimately "fix him" somehow (unlike him whom you couldn't fix from your past), (b) you aren't deserving of anything better anyway than a MW for a significant other, and/or (c) you're the same way and what the heck, today they call it an "open" relationship! If you have more options here to add, please feel free to contact me and I'll consider them: www.yourweeklysession@hotmail.com
Whatever your own core beliefs are about why you chose and are putting up with the MW in your life...please be aware of the DAMAGE such a lifestyle will cause you (and your children if you have them) over time. Right now there happens to be a case on True TV about a doctor in Ohio who was so busy MWing his way through his part of Ohio...he had sex with seven different women within 24 hours AND gave the gift of a sexually-transmitted disease to his wife and some of these "others" he had been playing with. He's on trial for poisoning his wife; I say she was already poisoned the day she said "I Do" to this idiot. Grant it, you may not end up dead as a result of your husband's MWing ways and lifestyle...but hey--it's all a matter of degrees now isn't it? How many women have I seen who I believe are truly "dead" inside as a result of their husband's philandering ways? I can tell you here and now, far far too many...
MWs don't have a conscience (obviously!) in this area of their lives. And I hate to tell you, they probably don't have a conscience in other areas of their lives as well. I mean can we get real here? Do you think your typical MW truly functions as a "good guy" when anyone gets to meet or know him for more than a minute? The answer here is, in case you were wondering, N-O! What you find is that lying, cheating, and being willing to throw anyone under the bus so long as it isn't oneself is what MWs do really well---and quite naturally. And when was the last time you saw a MW in action who didn't look at and treat his potential prey as a piece of kobe beef? Come on now ladies, g-e-t-r-e-a-l! Most any woman with an IQ over 90 who has been "targeted" past or present by a MW learns to recognize ANY MW pretty quickly when she stumbles across one. They treat us like objects, they invaribly turn the conversation into something sexual, they stare at the body part(s) which most interest them...it's almost comical how "transparent" a MW can be in social situations! So if you were living under the false impression that "nobody knows" your significant other is a MW but you....WRONG! DING DING DING! We know.
Another question I like to ask women who are involved with MWs is this: if you say you truly "love" him...how is what he is doing TO YOU any form of "love" in return? It's not. It's abuse. It's a twist on the typical forms of abuse...but it's still abuse. Think about that. MWs typically don't think very much of women even though they may obsessed by them and "want" them every which way and Sunday. But seriously, how can a man who is MWing around REALLY have any deeply-felt respect for women in general? They don't. Want an example? I don't care what anyone says to me about strip bars and how "o.k." they are. All I have to do is turn it around to make my point. What if instead of adult women stripping, strip bars suddenly changed and the only "strippers" to watch were underage kids? How "respectful" is that of a fellow human being? Every stripper working today knows he or she is paid to function as a lust-fantasy object (yes, OBJECT) for every viewer in sight. MWs and strip bar junkies are are cut from the same cloth in this respect; they do NOT respect women as the fellow human beings they are. All they want is to satisfy their own need at someone else's expense. Just because there are women out there willing to be "used" in this way still doesn't make it right!
As a woman who loves a MW...you can try to believe that he loves and "respects" you, but believe me honey, he does NOT! The bigger question here is why you don't love and respect yourself either!
Well, that's it for tonite's post! I figured if I had to start out 2011 with a bang on a topic that is guaranteed to ruffle plenty of feathers, this is the one! Happy New Year...and until next time!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Welcome 2011! (..and staying positive)
It's been a while since my last post. I went to Maui...I caught pneumonia...and I'm still feeling out of sorts. YET---it's a new year! 2011 has arrived and in spite of everything, I CHOOSE to be positive. Which is the subject of today's post!
Making positive changes in your life does require adopting a positive attitude. We've all heard "adopt an attitude of gratitude" or "fake it until you make it" etc. etc. All I know is that when you keep viewing your life as half empty (or anything else "negative")...you are setting yourself up for disappointment before the disappointment even hits. And it's not like I'm promoting a "live in denial and it'll all be better" kind of mentality here. What I AM saying is that positive results rarely if ever occur as a result of negative attitudes! Why is that? Because if you are focused on what's wrong or what's bad or what's bound to happen instead of "what is"...you'll more than likely miss those "positive" moments you experience because YOU AREN'T NOTICING THEM!
Case in point. I'm sick. I've been sick with "something" since mid-October. It started out something upper respiratory...then after surgery it morphed into asthmatic bronchitis...then after Maui it morphed into pneumonia. O.K. I'm not stupid. I get it. I'm sick. On the other hand, what am I supposed to do with the time I have spent laying in bed or around the house these past 10 days? I could have focused on the negative; anyone in my shoes would have found it quite easy. However, I instead focused (in part!) on some movies I haven't seen...and books I haven't yet read. It was great. I found out that watching "The Joneses" IS the greatest pre-cursor movie before watching "Devil" hands down! I found out I LOVED the movie "Devil" when I thought I would be too scared to watch it in the first place! I learned about the history of drugs in Western culture (not by experience but by READING about it! HAHA); I also learned that Twilight Zone reruns are still the best regardless if you've seen them just once or a million times.
I also realized that life is always short...and this is why we must wear our long pants (with a smile!) no matter what. None of us know what can happen and when (even though that may sound like a negative spin!)..yet what better reason to make the most of what we are able and capable of doing right now, this very day? After all, these 24 hours is all that we've been given (today!)...and why waste them? This is the attitude I hope to carry throughout 2011. Do your best. Be your best. Keep that smile on your face. Even the darkest day is still only 24 hours long. It'll all be better in the morning...
Happy new year everyone!
Making positive changes in your life does require adopting a positive attitude. We've all heard "adopt an attitude of gratitude" or "fake it until you make it" etc. etc. All I know is that when you keep viewing your life as half empty (or anything else "negative")...you are setting yourself up for disappointment before the disappointment even hits. And it's not like I'm promoting a "live in denial and it'll all be better" kind of mentality here. What I AM saying is that positive results rarely if ever occur as a result of negative attitudes! Why is that? Because if you are focused on what's wrong or what's bad or what's bound to happen instead of "what is"...you'll more than likely miss those "positive" moments you experience because YOU AREN'T NOTICING THEM!
Case in point. I'm sick. I've been sick with "something" since mid-October. It started out something upper respiratory...then after surgery it morphed into asthmatic bronchitis...then after Maui it morphed into pneumonia. O.K. I'm not stupid. I get it. I'm sick. On the other hand, what am I supposed to do with the time I have spent laying in bed or around the house these past 10 days? I could have focused on the negative; anyone in my shoes would have found it quite easy. However, I instead focused (in part!) on some movies I haven't seen...and books I haven't yet read. It was great. I found out that watching "The Joneses" IS the greatest pre-cursor movie before watching "Devil" hands down! I found out I LOVED the movie "Devil" when I thought I would be too scared to watch it in the first place! I learned about the history of drugs in Western culture (not by experience but by READING about it! HAHA); I also learned that Twilight Zone reruns are still the best regardless if you've seen them just once or a million times.
I also realized that life is always short...and this is why we must wear our long pants (with a smile!) no matter what. None of us know what can happen and when (even though that may sound like a negative spin!)..yet what better reason to make the most of what we are able and capable of doing right now, this very day? After all, these 24 hours is all that we've been given (today!)...and why waste them? This is the attitude I hope to carry throughout 2011. Do your best. Be your best. Keep that smile on your face. Even the darkest day is still only 24 hours long. It'll all be better in the morning...
Happy new year everyone!
The Codependent Trap - Part III
If you haven't already guessed, the codependent lifestyle is NOT a way to function in your important personal relationships. Yet codependency is one of those "natural" ways of relating to one another that we just do without thinking too much about it. Kind of like lying, cheating, and living in denial. Nobody has to go to school or attend classes in college to learn these things. They just come naturally....
Interdependence is the goal in any important relationship, period. In the interdependent relationship, you know when to "step in" and help someone else IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER when necessary...but you also know how to take care of yourself IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER every single day. As such, there is an ebb and flow that is created between your "independent" status (which is ongoing as an adult person) and your "dependent" status when you either legitimately need help yourself---or can legitimately provide help to someone else struggling with an extraordinary burden.
O.K. Stop and hold the mustard for a moment. What I just wrote sounds easy enough to understand right? But believe me, you'd be amazed how messed up things can get when we start talkin' about that slippery slope of what an "extraordinary burden" is----or is not. An extraordinary burden is NOT (for example!)the fact that you don't work full time or haven't worked full time in XX months or years because "the right job" hasn't come up yet for you. I've seen way WAY too many men and women in recent years "hold out" for a job that never showed up in the first place. As a result, there is someone else (always someone else!) who is picking up the financial slack for them and/or the "blame" for the job that never showed up. I'm so sorry but if you have arms and legs that work and a brain that works...you can get a job. You may even get two jobs. Whatever it takes (including McDonald's, including Walmart, including Home Depot)...go and do it! An extraordinary burden in this example would pertain to people who can't work because they've just been hit by a bus or a car---or are seriously and chronically ill. This "I can't work because I can't find the job I want" is a crock. A crock that puts you in the category of a big time codependent taker...
People who know how to function interdependently with one another have learned how to see circumstances and people as they truly are (being "objective")rather than how they "prefer" them to be (either better than reality...or worse than reality). Interdependent people are also appropriately responsible (and not over-responsible or under-responsible), and they understand the only ONLY person that they can truly control is themselves (and nobody else!). As such, interdependent people are not easily controlled...or controlling...towards others.
Interdependence is the goal in any important relationship, period. In the interdependent relationship, you know when to "step in" and help someone else IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER when necessary...but you also know how to take care of yourself IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER every single day. As such, there is an ebb and flow that is created between your "independent" status (which is ongoing as an adult person) and your "dependent" status when you either legitimately need help yourself---or can legitimately provide help to someone else struggling with an extraordinary burden.
O.K. Stop and hold the mustard for a moment. What I just wrote sounds easy enough to understand right? But believe me, you'd be amazed how messed up things can get when we start talkin' about that slippery slope of what an "extraordinary burden" is----or is not. An extraordinary burden is NOT (for example!)the fact that you don't work full time or haven't worked full time in XX months or years because "the right job" hasn't come up yet for you. I've seen way WAY too many men and women in recent years "hold out" for a job that never showed up in the first place. As a result, there is someone else (always someone else!) who is picking up the financial slack for them and/or the "blame" for the job that never showed up. I'm so sorry but if you have arms and legs that work and a brain that works...you can get a job. You may even get two jobs. Whatever it takes (including McDonald's, including Walmart, including Home Depot)...go and do it! An extraordinary burden in this example would pertain to people who can't work because they've just been hit by a bus or a car---or are seriously and chronically ill. This "I can't work because I can't find the job I want" is a crock. A crock that puts you in the category of a big time codependent taker...
People who know how to function interdependently with one another have learned how to see circumstances and people as they truly are (being "objective")rather than how they "prefer" them to be (either better than reality...or worse than reality). Interdependent people are also appropriately responsible (and not over-responsible or under-responsible), and they understand the only ONLY person that they can truly control is themselves (and nobody else!). As such, interdependent people are not easily controlled...or controlling...towards others.
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