"A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen..", "a feeling of trust..", "to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true.." Okay. Here are three definitions for you of what "hope" is. Today's post is designed to clarify everything you always wanted to know about hope, but didn't know you needed to clarify.
Emily Dickenson once wrote this: "Hope inspires the truth to reveal itself." This is I think the best definition of hope that exists. Without authentic truth, there cannot be authentic hope. Do you need some examples? I'm here to offer them. Think about the 30 year old son who has had such a difficult time "manning up" (as the saying goes) since he turned 18. He's been to rehab a couple of times....he's stolen some things and been to jail at least once....he has too many "friends" his mother has never liked and wished he wouldn't see or socialize with...and that's just for starters. Yet, mom always "hoped" that her son would get himself together and that he would find a good girl to marry and have children with, in spite of him already having two kids out of wedlock and a present girlfriend who is pregnant with his third child. We won't even get into his work history which makes the term "spotty" look worse than the most severe case of measles.
In this kind of example, "hope" is being used as a denial mechanism by mom. Remember my last post about codependent controllers and the messages they communicate to the objects of their controlling efforts? "You can't/don't know/are otherwise unable to do this unless I do it for you?" Yeah that. Well...in this case, mom always functioned as the "Don't worry I'll do it for you!" mom in her son's life---even when he got caught red-handed stealing from a neighbor's cottage up north ("Don't worry honey, we'll get you a good lawyer to get you out of this mess!") And that is just one example of the many MANY more interferences she ran to "assist" her son in avoiding the consequences of his poor choices over the past 15 years since he first started acting out inappropriately. Happens all the time. Not just with this particular family but thousands of others. Excuse me, rather hundreds of thousands of others all around this great country of ours. Hope being used as a tool to "expect" more from someone who is incapable in their present condition of doing anything but repeating the same old same old dysfunctional patterns of behavior---over and over again. Mom has spent so many years alternating between "doing" on behalf of her son and then "hoping" he'd get better..she missed the elephant in the living room. Sonny boy has been an active drug and alcohol addict since age 13 and nobody knew it but sonny boy himself---and his fellow party pack.
Hope is not meant to function as a shield or a coverup from what we need to face and then work to actively solve or resolve--IF IT IS "OUR" OWN PROBLEM to correct that is. That's a whole other post, because you can't "fix" for someone else what they are unwilling to fix themselves. But I digress. Remember here, everything that is faced doesn't always change...but everything that changes has always been faced. If a person can't even face the truth of their own life or the life of someone they say they love and care about...how does an authentic "hope" for the present or future ever fit in? It just doesn't. Hope doesn't come in a jar...or in a fantasy...or in a bottle or from a needle. Hope can only spring from the authentic truth that has been revealed---just like Emily Dickenson wrote well over a hundred years ago.
When it comes to couples in trouble...one or the other partner is usually more "hopeful" about the marriage being repaired and reconciled than the other. That's just the way it is. Why can I say that so confidently? Because if both parties were equally invested in the reparation process...they wouldn't have allowed the relationship to "get" to the point it's at by the time they come in to see me (or any other marital therapist for that matter!). That may sound oxymoronic in that the couple has at least shown up for a first session together in my office. Well, let's just put it this way: often times the partner who is truly ready to fly the coop looks at that "one session" as his or her "honest" attempt at saving the marriage. This is why so many of us therapists have to treat every session with clients as if it is not only our "first" but also our "last" session with them. In couples' relationships, the "truth" about who wants out (for real!) may reveal itself during that first session---which does not necessarily mean the relationship is absolutely dead and buried. After all, hope and truth are inextricably linked and for many couples, finding out the "truth" about each other can really offer a different type of hope never before experienced by either one. In the best case scenarios and over time being in therapy together, the couple reconcile and have a fresh new start in the ways they have learned and practiced equality, mutual respect, freedom of choice, and "honest" exchanges of information and care in a timely manner. In the worse case scenarios, the couple splits up...but one (or the other...or both!) grow to see their newly-developed skills as providing real hope for their future. Like I have said many times to clients who are on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce situation, "As you continue to practice and do the work of healing, you WILL have an entirely different perspective on that "type" of "love" relationship and won't want to ever repeat it again!"
Hope is eternal...just as the truth it is eternally linked to. Hope without truth is like a man without a face. You can't get anything that's good when what you are "hoping" for is based on everything else but what is real, authentic, and true.
See you next time...
Emily Dickenson once wrote this: "Hope inspires the truth to reveal itself." This is I think the best definition of hope that exists. Without authentic truth, there cannot be authentic hope. Do you need some examples? I'm here to offer them. Think about the 30 year old son who has had such a difficult time "manning up" (as the saying goes) since he turned 18. He's been to rehab a couple of times....he's stolen some things and been to jail at least once....he has too many "friends" his mother has never liked and wished he wouldn't see or socialize with...and that's just for starters. Yet, mom always "hoped" that her son would get himself together and that he would find a good girl to marry and have children with, in spite of him already having two kids out of wedlock and a present girlfriend who is pregnant with his third child. We won't even get into his work history which makes the term "spotty" look worse than the most severe case of measles.
In this kind of example, "hope" is being used as a denial mechanism by mom. Remember my last post about codependent controllers and the messages they communicate to the objects of their controlling efforts? "You can't/don't know/are otherwise unable to do this unless I do it for you?" Yeah that. Well...in this case, mom always functioned as the "Don't worry I'll do it for you!" mom in her son's life---even when he got caught red-handed stealing from a neighbor's cottage up north ("Don't worry honey, we'll get you a good lawyer to get you out of this mess!") And that is just one example of the many MANY more interferences she ran to "assist" her son in avoiding the consequences of his poor choices over the past 15 years since he first started acting out inappropriately. Happens all the time. Not just with this particular family but thousands of others. Excuse me, rather hundreds of thousands of others all around this great country of ours. Hope being used as a tool to "expect" more from someone who is incapable in their present condition of doing anything but repeating the same old same old dysfunctional patterns of behavior---over and over again. Mom has spent so many years alternating between "doing" on behalf of her son and then "hoping" he'd get better..she missed the elephant in the living room. Sonny boy has been an active drug and alcohol addict since age 13 and nobody knew it but sonny boy himself---and his fellow party pack.
Hope is not meant to function as a shield or a coverup from what we need to face and then work to actively solve or resolve--IF IT IS "OUR" OWN PROBLEM to correct that is. That's a whole other post, because you can't "fix" for someone else what they are unwilling to fix themselves. But I digress. Remember here, everything that is faced doesn't always change...but everything that changes has always been faced. If a person can't even face the truth of their own life or the life of someone they say they love and care about...how does an authentic "hope" for the present or future ever fit in? It just doesn't. Hope doesn't come in a jar...or in a fantasy...or in a bottle or from a needle. Hope can only spring from the authentic truth that has been revealed---just like Emily Dickenson wrote well over a hundred years ago.
When it comes to couples in trouble...one or the other partner is usually more "hopeful" about the marriage being repaired and reconciled than the other. That's just the way it is. Why can I say that so confidently? Because if both parties were equally invested in the reparation process...they wouldn't have allowed the relationship to "get" to the point it's at by the time they come in to see me (or any other marital therapist for that matter!). That may sound oxymoronic in that the couple has at least shown up for a first session together in my office. Well, let's just put it this way: often times the partner who is truly ready to fly the coop looks at that "one session" as his or her "honest" attempt at saving the marriage. This is why so many of us therapists have to treat every session with clients as if it is not only our "first" but also our "last" session with them. In couples' relationships, the "truth" about who wants out (for real!) may reveal itself during that first session---which does not necessarily mean the relationship is absolutely dead and buried. After all, hope and truth are inextricably linked and for many couples, finding out the "truth" about each other can really offer a different type of hope never before experienced by either one. In the best case scenarios and over time being in therapy together, the couple reconcile and have a fresh new start in the ways they have learned and practiced equality, mutual respect, freedom of choice, and "honest" exchanges of information and care in a timely manner. In the worse case scenarios, the couple splits up...but one (or the other...or both!) grow to see their newly-developed skills as providing real hope for their future. Like I have said many times to clients who are on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce situation, "As you continue to practice and do the work of healing, you WILL have an entirely different perspective on that "type" of "love" relationship and won't want to ever repeat it again!"
Hope is eternal...just as the truth it is eternally linked to. Hope without truth is like a man without a face. You can't get anything that's good when what you are "hoping" for is based on everything else but what is real, authentic, and true.
See you next time...