Wednesday, July 10, 2019

The Bully In Your Family....

Bullies are in every family, no one is spared.  It might be your grandfather...it might be your grandmother.  Might even be your mother---or your mother's boyfriend.  In many instances, it is one or more of your siblings.  Things can of course get complicated when there isn't just one...but multiple bullies...who are operating out of the same family.  Ultimately, to know who our family bully is...or are....is extremely important so we do not allow him/her/them to run and potentially ruin our lives with their incessant attempts at control and manipulation.  When we are oblivious to who we are dealing with, it is too easy to literally feel "icky" after any given encounter without understanding why that is!  When we get icky from our family bully encounters often enough, we get used to it.  We become comfortable with it.  We change for the worse, instead of for the better.  We become blind to what constitutes bullying behavior.  We may ourselves evolve into a bigger bully than the one(s) we got used to growing up...or being married to...or having as a best friend or sibling.  When that occurs, we are truly delusional, because we believe we are a much better person than we actually are in our own close personal relationships.

Just the other night, I was discussing this issue with a client who was sharing how his family bully had to be in the center of every single relationship within my client's family of origin.  "It's like he is worried if he doesn't "know" who is talking to who---then they might be talking about him..." he stated.  Yep, it can be like that.  The bully who functions in our family systems as the main switchboard operator who has to know who said what to who, and when, and wait a minute why are you two even talking without me present among you in the first place?!   With my client, struggling with feelings of toxic guilt was a huge issue because of the relational style his bully pursued with my client throughout his life.  "If I didn't do what he wanted, I was a terrible person.  I was selfish.  I was stupid..."  This isn't rocket science readers.  A family bully will say and do whatever works in order to get his or her needs satisfied on demand, while chopping up whomever disagrees with them into little pieces verbally and psychologically speaking.

In this regard, the family bully is that person who wants to ensure that nobody is closer to anyone else EXCEPT to the bully him or herself.  Which, when you think about it, sounds beyond nutty----but it goes on all the time in so many families!  Nobody really talks to anybody else or sees anybody else, unless the bully is there.  Unless the bully sanctions the contact, it won't be happening.  Getting back to my client, he was shocked to find out during an unexpected encounter with his aunt, that much of what his bully had told him about the "family history" was confabulation.  (Which means the bully made up the stories to make the bully look good!)  Well why wouldn't the family bully do that?  It makes sense, doesn't it?

Sure enough, in my client's case, when the family bully found out that he and his aunt "talked" without the bully's knowledge...the bully immediately asked my client "What did you talk about?"  Really?!  Spare me!  But that's how family bullies roll when they feel they have lost control.  Just saying.  As it turned out, my client found out from his aunt that his family bully, contrary to popular lore within the family, was not always the fine upstanding lily white defender of all things good, right, and beautiful.  Instead, the family bully was a drunken louse who had been historically involved in several shady business dealings both inside and outside of the family.  You know, kind of like how the kids of Tony Soprano were given that Kool-Aid to drink as they were growing up ;-)  No wonder bullies don't want any "truth" coming out---ever!  It blows their carefully constructed "version" of who they authentically are!  Bullies thrive on keeping their secrets secret.  Of course they do.  No reason to be such a bully without a crap ton of secrets to maintain now is there?!

Nobody is perfect.  We all understand that.  Yet we must learn to stop being afraid of our family bully (or bullies!) while continuing to walk on eggshells around them.  I explain to clients that we have to learn how to let our family bully's words basically go "in one ear and out the other" without us swallowing whole what they say AS IF it's true.  Then we are in the position to use our own wit and humor to respond to them, in those moments, to confront them when offended.  I can remember a time when one of my own family bullies chastised me for coming over without wearing any makeup (yes, it can be like that too!) as soon as she saw me enter her home.  I responded by saying "Well, if you could just straighten up a bit for my sake when I come over like this, I'd be happier too!"  (She was bent over like a pretzel generally speaking...)  No, I wasn't being mean...I was reminding her of how her opinion wasn't the only one that mattered at any given time and in any given room we shared space in!  Keep in mind that if someone says something to you that is an attempt at robbing you of your joy in that moment...they are bullying you!  Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about yourself in order to make them feel better about themselves!  That is bullying at its simplest level.

As such, identifying your family bully and moving past the ways in which you "respond" to them without getting that "ick" all over yourself (like green slime!) after every encounter...will be good for you.  Then you will know for sure how sticks and stones may break your bones...but the words of your family bully will truly never hurt you---anymore that is!

Of course, you could always contact someone like myself for help with this issue too  ;-)

Until next post....








Friday, July 5, 2019

Better...NOT Bitter!

When I work with clients, one of the handouts I provide has to do with how we get from our own "Expectations" to what's called the "Island of Invulnerability".  What this means is that all of us start out in any relationship with our own expectations about "it" and the person we are involved with.  I just started watching the Netflix series "Dead to Me" featuring Christina Applegate.  In it, she is a new widow who meets another self-professing "widow" whose fiancĂ© unexpected passed from a heart attack.  At first, Applegate's character is not at all interested in making a new "friend" of this other woman.  When she eventually does befriend her, she learns that her friend has lied to her in a major and seemingly unforgiveable way.  Yeah, it's like that.  We have expectations about a person...and then BOOM! Everything blows up out of left field.

After the initial sting of disappointment, after the anger which can follow when subsequent expectations are not met, and after the resentment that can follow when our anger hardens into chunks we can no longer manage---comes the bitterness.

When we are bitter, we are pretty much done with whomever it is who we feel has seriously and significantly and repeatedly betrayed our trust.  Whatever the behavior is that we have been offended by...we are emotionally past it.  We are instead focused on the person him or herself who has disappointed/angered/enraged us way too often.  "He did that on purpose just to pi** me off!"  "She KNOWS I don't like XXXXX..."  "How could they when they KNOW I can't..."

Bitter is not better.  After bitter, we may choose to hop onto that Island of Invulnerability where we write off the person for good.  We are done.  We are through.  No more relationship with him, her, or them.

Being and becoming bitter is not unlike going to the doctor for an annual physical and then being suddenly surprised by the news that we have pneumonia and meningitis.  We aren't that insightful when it comes to our own personal level of bitterness that's been festering within us for however long.  We really do believe we are "all good" on the inside until that other person's name comes up---if and when it comes up.  Then we go on blast.  That "blast" moment may be completely self contained.  No one else would see or know that we are upset at the mere mention of so-and-so's name;  but we know.  Or...we could be very verbal about whomever it is from our past that we remain bitter about.  "Don't ever bring up his name again!"  (Or whatever else we might say when his or her name is mentioned to us...)  Now imagine when that "bitter" multiplies.  We aren't just bitter about our "ex";  we are bitter towards a whole lot of other people too.  Yes, bitter can be like that.  We feel we are good in spite of the pain and hurt we have suffered, but are we really?

What bitter people don't realize is that bitterness doesn't come all at once.  It comes in small and measured dosages over the course of time.  We are disappointed by what this person did...and then we are disappointed by what that person did...and then we are disappointed by what "they" did (whomever "they" are!)...and before we know it, we really do have an attitude towards people---or "that" type of people---in general.  We are more closed than open.  We are more guarded than vulnerable.  We are more fearful than curious.  We are more a pain in the a$$ than we are FUN!  Unless we do alcohol and/or drugs;  then we think we are a lot of fun.  That would be a lie and a self-delusion in action, by the way.  Nobody is truly fun or charming or great company when they are wasted.  They are just less inhibited and whatever "bitter" is in them...believe me, it WILL come out before the day or evening or weekend is over.  Don't kid yourself.

Yep, it's like that.  A bitter attitude serves no useful purpose.  And if you don't think other people won't or can't notice "bitter" when they are exposed to it---you would be dead wrong.  We all know when we are in the presence of someone who has "issues" in this regard.  Bitter people are not unlike personality disordered people in that they typically have inappropriate over-reactions to otherwise benign events...while having inappropriate under-reactions to authentically and imminently harmful events.  I am reminded of the school administrator who told a teacher friend of mine years ago how it wasn't "any big deal" when a third grader brought a real gun to school in his backpack one day.  "Well, it's just an old broke down gun anyway.." stated the administrator.  Really?!  Yes, really!  That would be an example of an under-reaction to an authentically and imminently harmful event.  Clearly, this administrator understood "bitter" real well on top of whatever else she had going on psychologically and emotionally speaking.  Bitterness distorts reality enough that it's no big leap to believe one's own opinion is the only one that matters in all circumstances and situations at all times.

How do we break the bitter habit and transform ourselves into better people?  First, we have to pay more attention to our own life story and how we ourselves roll while living it out.  Who are your true and close "friends" in this life?  If you can't think of anybody, that's an issue.

In case you forgot, bitter people really don't have many or any friends, just sayin'.  Why and how could they?  Being bitter from the inside out hardly places anyone in the Friendship Hall of Fame within any universe I know of!   Can you comfortably give without expectations attached?  Can you be reciprocal in honestly exchanging information and care with others on a regular enough basis? (Which translates to "Are you capable of authentic emotional intimacy with another human being---or not?)   Can you be more positive than negative with your "own" attitude in general?  Can you speak the truth in love without being offensive yourself when you are offended?  If you some or all of these things difficult, then you may just be struggling with a bitter heart and spirit, which is problematic (to you!)---and to your future!

Being bitter is like the old saying "Guilty until proven innocent!"  Just look at the state of our country right now.  Do you not notice any of the toxic bitterness surrounding us each and every day?  I know I do!  As the singer Jewel has said, "only kindness matters".  No sh**.  Kindness...and truth together.  When we can be kind and truthful, we'll be good.  When we can't, then we got issues.

Until next post...