Broadcasted Sex and Violence on Demand...

I just came across a meme the other day on Pinterest.  "You never know how dirty a song is until you hear a child sing it."  Yeah, that's about right.  And how sad is that by the way?  I had a special needs teenager tell me not too long ago that "Thrift Shop" was one of her favorite songs and had been played at her school's last dance.  I had never heard of "Thrift Shop" before, so I told her I would check it out.  I'm sorry I did.  Grant it, as sexually inappropriate as it is lyrically, I've seen and heard worse.  Women being called every name in the book but women;  body parts, violent sexual acts, and bodily fluids being described as part OF A SONG REALLY!?  I thought these kinds of songs were as bad as it could get, but no---of course I was wrong.  Flipping through channels last night, there was some overweight 30-something comic on Comedy Central giving new meaning to the term "Gross!"  His schtick was so sick, I couldn't believe there was an audience actually listening to him and cheering him on!  I mean WHO wants to listen to what would be equivalent to describing the taste of urine and feces.  God help us all.  We are all friggin' doomed!  Gone are the days of "Build me up Buttercup" and "Johnny Angel".  And just when you think a song on the radio couldn't get any filthier, there's a new one on the Top 10 Billboard Charts right there to replace it!

Then I had a 7th grader tell me the other day that when the boys go into the bathroom at his school, they conduct their own 30 second MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) "fight club" with some random kid (victim) being immediately selected as the "opponent" to take the beat down like a man.  Who instigates this type of behavior anyway?  Oh yeah, that would be 7th grade boys everywhere whose parents are....????  Whose parents watch or allow their sons to watch or play....????  Whose families have their heads firmly implanted up their own (well you know what!) because they don't pay attention to what their sons watch on t.v. or listen to on the radio or play on their X-Box or do with their friends.  Yeah, that's about right.

Don't even get me started on video games and television shows which actively promote gratuitous violence, sex, and disrespect for anything and anyone other than "self".  This "Family Guy" show.  What the hell is that about?  Are we supposed to learn some valuable lessons about life and and "funny pervies" like Quagmire the neighbor in the process?  It's ridiculous to think that young children (I'm talking 2 and 3 years old folks) aren't being exposed to this garbage because their parents are too stupid (yes, I said TOO STUPID!) to realize that the "cartoon" their baby is watching is nowhere near the content of Bugs Bunny.  Back in the "old days", inappropriate television shows were at least the object of boycotts.  Now a days, there's so many inappropriate television shows, it'd take forever just to figure out who the worst offenders are!  Video games?  Spare me!  There are so many horrific games glorifying war, blood and guts, etc.  I had a 9 year old the other day tell me about the "perks" of playin' "Minecraft".  Really?  If you are unfamiliar with this game, you don't even want to know what it's about.  But you better make sure your kid doesn't own it and play it either.  That's what's so awful about all of this.  The vast majority of parents don't even know what their kids' video games ARE---let alone what their content is all about!

Needless to say, when society raises its children to believe that "everything" is o.k. and nothing is sacred, why are we surprised when these youngsters go on rampages that take out fellow classmates, innocent children, assorted family members, and random strangers?  Hey, don't balk.  I didn't even touch on the subject of movies like "Natural Born Killers" which has been referred to more than a few times by convicted killers who became and were "obsessed" by it before killing whom it was they killed.  (Not to mention "Pulp Fiction" and all the other murder-gore-sex-violence drenched films out there from that era to our current one!)

Sex and violence on demand represent one of the major "roots" of criminal behavior, period.  Mental illness, abuse, and brain injury play their roles too.  But for some dumb reason, few want or are willing to to talk about any of this to an intelligent degree.  Probably because it's just easier to let things go and pretend reality isn't as bad as it is.  Good luck to us.  We need it.



 

Family Money Drama

This post is a long time coming.  Actually, I feel like I need to write a book about this topic:  The Ugly Truths People Won't Face About Family Money Drama....

How you view the role and function of money in your life doesn't just drop out of the sky one day and land in your lap.  You first learn about the role and function of money from your family of origin.  Just like a baby's first developmental milestone is learning basic "trust" vs. "mistrust" by their twelfth month of life---there is a first developmental milestone associated with "Everything I Needed To Learn About Money, But Never Asked".  Allow yourself to think about that for a moment.  What are your earliest memories about money?  How did having money (or not having money) affect you and your family as you were growing up?  Were there many fights about money in your household?  Who typically started those fights and why?  What happened when money was available?  How was it generally handled?  Were there any family members who had "obvious" money-related problems (didn't earn it, didn't earn enough of it, blew it on (insert vice here), etc. etc.) and what were they specifically?  Were the money-related problems present within your family ever solved, resolved, or dissolved in an appropriate manner?  Did anything obviously adverse happen that was rooted in one or more family member's "greed"/idolization of money (insurance scams, shoplifting, embezzlement, stealing inheritances, bankruptcy, foreclosure, gambling debts, etc.)?

Now don't blow your stacks because I mentioned foreclosure and bankruptcy here.  I've heard every reason in the book as to "why" and "how" this happens.  I know how it happens and so do you.  Not enough "money" coming in in relation to how much "money" going out.  It's not that complicated.  I don't care if Aunt Sally had to have emergency surgery on her neck and you were the only relative in life who had to get a second mortage on your home to finance it.  These truly "hard luck" stories are miniscule in comparison to all the others which basically spell out the following:  Champagne taste plus beer budget equals no good end result!

The evidences surrounding your own life's experiences with money goes back to what you learned (or didn't learn) as the First Noble Truth About Money.  If, for example, your father was a con artist scammer willing to throw anyone under the bus in order to finance his own needs and desires first---then guess what?  You will have learned not much that is "good" about money and how to use it!  Think "Shameless" here for those of you who watch this series currently on HBO.  Ya think that daddy in this series cares about much else besides where his next bunch of $$ is coming from to support his alcohol habit?  If he could trade in his two-year old to avoid getting beat down for a debt he owed, then clearly there's a major "Me First!" attitude going on here.  In this case, you may be someone who learned early on in your life that "Me having the money I want and need matters more than you and your needs do."  Not a good lesson for any child to be forced to face when he or she is still a child!

Then we wonder why fathers can steal their adult childrens' inheritances without batting an eyeball;  why adult children rob their parents and remaining siblings blind to support their own alcohol and drug habit, etc.  Shouldn't be any surprise when everyone was taught early on that money IS the master of the household along with he or she who controls it.  I have seen ex-spouses fight literally to the death (of one of them) over who should or should not get whatever money as part of a divorce settlement.  It is sick.  It is ridiculous.  And yet, it is reality.  Money is indeed the root of all evil, but somehow we just keep forgetting about that.

Money has never been designed to function as an idol in our lives.  It is merely a means to an end.  Once EARNED, it can be used to provide food, shelter, clothing, and the rest of life's true necessities.  When we choose to make a lifestyle out of stealing it, hoarding it, blowing it, or otherwise abusing its originally intended purpose(s)....all roads lead to Hell.  Do not pass "Go".  Do not collect $200.  (No pun intended there, it just popped out!)  The love of money and lust for it has ruined many lives going back thousands of years.  Don't let your own life be one of them.

I'm not a money manager or financial planner by any means, but I have seen first hand what screwed-up ideas, beliefs, and thinking about money leads to amongst couples and families.  It never works when we harbor an attitude of "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too", or conversely, "What's yours, mine, and ours is theirs...always" (for all you codependents out there).

Family money drama can be passed down from generation to generation like alcoholism or cancer.  If this is a problem you have or are now struggling with, get some help.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.









 

6 Foolproof Ways to Relax on Demand...

One of the goals of psychotherapy is to assist clients in learning how to calm, soothe, and relax themselves in a non-harmful manner.  Everyone knows it's easy enough to grab a donut, a joint, a drink, a sex partner, or a credit card in order to feel better fast.  What is not so easy is to practice and develop the ability to cultivate authentic inner peace on demand without involving any addictive substances or processes.  Today, I am going to suggest the 6 Foolproof Ways to Relax on Demand which may help you in accomplishing this goal for yourself---and on demand.

1.  Learn how to "Square Breathe".  Square breathing is a way to slow down your breathing when you feel anxious, panicked, or otherwise "overwhelmed" in the present moment.  No one can breathe fewer than eight times per minute and ALSO be experiencing panic or anxiety.  To square breathe, you merely close your eyes, breathe in through your nose for a count of 3, 4, or 5 (depending on your own level of breath control)..then hold your breath for a count of 3, 4, or 5.....then exhale through your mouth for a count of 3, 4, or 5...and then hold your breath again for a count of 3, 4, or 5 before breathing in through your nose for a  count of 3, 4, or 5.  As I type this, please be aware that if you are breathing in for a count of "3"...stick with a count of "3" throughout the rest of each square breathing cycle.  What you are doing with each cycle is taking a complete breath in and out which involves (in the case of "3") a minimum of 12 seconds.  Hence, when you practice square breathing based on a count of "3", you will be breathing in-and-out about 5 times per minute.  Which is a good thing and will get your anxiety and panic under control within 3-5 minutes.  While you are square breathing, try to find a spot where you won't be distracted by a lot of noise such as would be the case with a blaring t.v., radio, or people yakkin' in the background.

2.  Get online, google "Images of Kittens" (as one example), and take 10-15 minutes to look at all the photos of kittens (or puppies, or babies, or horses, or pandas, etc.) online.  It has been shown that looking at the "babies" of your choice (animal or human) instantly lifts your mood and level of inner contentment.  For some I have worked with, animal memes (those photos with funny captions attached) work even better because they are designed to make one laugh.  In that case, just google "Puppy Memes" or "Kitten Memes" or whatever memes to get your relax groove on.

3.  Stop and think about your HALTTSS status at the present moment.  Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely?  Thirsty? Tired?  Sad? or Sick?  You would be amazed how many of us do NOT check ourselves in this regard on a routine basis.  Many times individuals with headaches will pop an Exedrine Migrane caplet without realizing that they haven't had anything much to drink all day.  Dehydration is a common cause of headaches folks.  You need at least six 8 oz. glasses of H20 every day;  yet you would be amazed at how "little" water we drink.  If you don't like "plain" water, go over to Target and check out all the "flavored" waters that have zero calories but taste good and have vitamins in them rather than chemicals.  LaCroix is one great "water" brand that tastes fabulous but with zero calories and all "natural" ingredients.  The point here with HALTTSS is to check yourself before you wreck yourself.  If you feel lonely, call somebody or go drop in on someone.  If you're tired, take a nap.  Solving and subsequently dissolving your HALTTSS on a daily basis DOES work to soothe, calm, and relax you.  It really does.

4.  Create and make available to yourself a "list" that you will refer to and can keep at work, at your dorm, or at home (and you may make a different list for each location if you prefer!) when feeling stressed/anxious/panicked.  The type(s) of list(s) you create may include any of the following:  (1) a list of sayings, verses, or other inspirational "truths" that help you to calm down.  If you don't have any idea of what these might be...take time to go online and find them.  You can google "Spiritual sayings for inner peace", "relaxation quotes", "calm-inducing words of wisdom", etc.  If what is making you anxious, by the way, has to do with a particular addiction or compulsive behavior you are working to overcome...get your "sayings" list in line with that topic if you need to.  Quotes on overcoming alcoholism, sex addiction, eating disorders, gambling, codependency, etc. are all over the net.  In these circumstances, just google "Affirmations about..." and fill in the rest with your topic of choice.  (2) All the things you are grateful for.  This list may take some time to create and complete, but even if you can think of one thing each day that you are "truly" grateful for---write it down and add to it with each day until you have your "list" of 20-30 things!  (3) Copies of your favorite poems, lyrics from your favorite songs, and whatever other "verses" that work to help you get and remain at peace.  One of my "old favorites" in this regard is "Blessed Are The Tears" by Bryan Duncan, a song I not only love but sang before at my church.

This suggestion (4.) can be done in the moment to help you relax on demand...or it can be done when you feel "great" so you can refer to your list(s) in the future.  Either way, this suggestion works.

5.  Prayer is powerful.  If you are comfortable with praying on your own, do it.  If you are not, call someone you trust who cares about you to do it for you over the phone.  Or you can call someone and pray together about what is disturbing you.  If you have never before called someone to pray for you or with you, give yourself permission to try it at least once.  It works.  Prayer, unlike worry, gets you somewhere.  Prayer takes what is upsetting you and releases it to The Most High who hears every voice that sincerely seeks out His comfort, guidance, and direction.

6.  Get moving.  Physical exercise, whether it is walking around your block with your favorite music playing in your earbuds, going to a yoga class, working out hard at the gym, riding your bike in good weather, jogging, running, etc.  All of these physical activities work to release the "feel good" hormones in your body and brain.  You can't be highly anxious and stressed out at the same time you are breaking a sweat through exercise of any kind.  Working around the inside or outside of your house also counts in this regard.  Gardening, cleaning, moving furniture around, hauling and purging the junk from your basement....when you move it (meaning your body), you WILL lose it (your anxiety and stress)!

There are many other recommendations regarding relaxing on demand, but this is a good start.  Some individuals find that they do need more help because their anxiety has been a constant companion for more months or years than they care to remember.  Conditions such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, and Panic Disorder with or without Agoraphobia are more serious than the run-of-the-mill anxiety we all face at some time or another in life.  If you have been diagnosed or suspect you may struggle with more than actual life event-driven anxiety, do not be afraid to contact a licensed professional psychotherapist for assistance.  Like me. 



 

Your Elderly Relations....

As is true in anyone's life, there are those times when we must face what we would rather not face.  Today's post is about what must be faced as it relates to elderly relatives requiring 24/7 care...

"The Sandwich Generation" was a term coined many years ago to identify those adult men and women who found themselves "sandwiched" between the needs of their own minor children...and those of their aging parent(s) and/or elderly relation(s).  As a clinician, I have seen many adults manage this time of their lives quite effortlessly---when there were strong supports made available to them and those supports were consistent in nature.  (Inotherwords, helping "once" doesn't cut it when Aunt Trudie requires diapers 24/7..)   I have also seen adults who have denied their elderly relation's need for assistance and care to the point of death.  (As sad as that sounds, it happens...)  Not unlike the denial that can accompany the family members of a late stage alcoholic or drug addict, sometimes the only thing that changes is the topic of concern being actively ignored by all.

I have been often asked, "When do you know it's time to step in?" when it comes to an elderly relation.  At a very basic level, when your elderly relation is no longer able to "do" what is considered an "ADL" (Activity of Daily Living), an intervention is required.  I had a 90 year old friend from church whose first "sign" of trouble came when she was no longer able to open things from the grocery store. It was at this point her only adult child moved in.  On the other end of the spectrum, I had an 80 year old neighbor whose six adult children kept insisting he was "fine" in spite of several near-miss automobile mishaps (the 80 year old being behind the wheel of course) within a three-month period.  I will add at this point that anyone can call in an anonymous "tip" to their local Dept. of Motor Vehicles if they know of someone who is elderly and appears to pose a threat to themselves or others by continuing to drive.  The DMV will contact that person to come in and take a driving test as a result.  This is one way to "solve" the problem of an elderly relative who keeps insisting "I can drive just fine!" when you know they can't. 

Beyond observing or becoming aware of your elderly relation's ability (or inability) to perform their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)...it is equally important to understand what their "plan" is (if such a plan exists) relative to assisted living vs. at-home care if and when the time comes.  Far FAR too many adult children and relations do not even "go there" until they are forced to.  I can tell you that this is a big mistake.  After a recent scenario involving an extended family member of my own, I will say that finding a good Elder Law attorney to assist you here is not only strongly suggested, but vital.  Without this type of professional support, all hell can and will break loose unless your relative is fortunate enough to afford round-the-clock at home care on demand.  Even with so-called system supports such as Medicare and Medicaid,  no one knows how to protect themselves legally or financially without an Elder Law professional working on their behalf.  Period.

As you are navigating your way through all of this on behalf of your elderly relation, keep in mind that the chances of your elderly relative being and remaining "cooperative" with you is nearly nil.  Instead, what will be most common is finding that he or she will fight you, question you (over and over again in many cases!), and treat you like you are everything else BUT who you authentically are.  When this happens, it is very difficult to remain composed and appropriate.  This is especially true if you are offering your assistance without someone else in your corner (like a spouse, sibling(s), or trusted friend(s)) to talk to, receive feedback from, etc. 

If you want to look at it this way, this time in life is that which can grow you....and transform you....into either the person you've always hoped you could be one day---or the demon you knew always lurked inside you in the first place.  It's still your choice.  Then again, you can always stop answering the phone whenever Aunt Trudie calls...  ;-)  Until next time...