COVID-19 aka Coronavirus Has Landed...

I don't have to give you the historical references associated with this particular pandemic.  We are  living in its somewhat early-ish stage currently;  at least we are here in SE MI.  Where I live, we are on shut down with the majority of our local retailers as well as self-quarantine for the next 14 days or so.  We'll see what's up by early April to determine whether or not the # of cases here is up---or way up---or off the charts up.   My bff in California told me less than an hour ago that their state-wide shelter in place order officially begins tomorrow.  He was refused visitation at his mother's nursing home this past week;  he was told if he attempts entry there this week, he can be arrested.  Wow.  Okay.  This is serious.

We have relatives in Italy as well.  Over there, residents have to produce what is basically a permission slip (whether on paper only...or downloaded on a personal device...we didn't get into the detail of that when we spoke) when they are outside and asked to produce it.  If the slip varies from the destination to and from and/or time frame documented on the slip--or if the slip is not produced at all---the offender will receive a 300 euros fine, or time in jail.  Yikes it's really serious over there.

I heard this morning at my local grocery store that Starbucks has been closed unless they have a drive-thru.  Okay.  Since my in-town Starbucks was closed and doesn't have a drive thru window...and the Starbucks in my grocery store was open...it made sense to me.  A good friend of mine who owns a very successful local restaurant flipped when I told her about the drive-thru thing.  "You mean restaurants too?!"  No, I did not.  Yet I could see that coming;  I just saw this morning the long line outside of Costco as people were waiting to get in little group by little group.  Grant it, people were standing much closer together than 6' apart in that line outside the store---but who am I to notice?  

Yep, this COVID-19 thing has landed for sure.  Why is it happening?  What's the point?  What is this pandemic meant to teach all or any of us?  Don't balk.  If you miss the meaning(s) attached to any of your experiences....you won't learn anything as a result.

Here is some of what I have learned already:

When you wake up and say to yourself "Good God!  Morning?!?!" instead of "Good Morning God!"..you are already setting yourself up for one sh** show of a day JUST SAYIN'!  Prayer is powerful;  don't forget it at a time like this!  God didn't "cause" this pandemic, by the way.  We did!  If ever there was a time to re-think what you think about how the Universe works...this would be it!  You can't and won't live in peace as we move through this thing until you are able to achieve peace inside your heart and spirit.  No God...no peace.  Know God...know peace. 

It's good to be appropriately prepared; it's not so good to be hoarding whatever it is you are hoarding AS IF that's going to save you from..?????  Remember, if it's your time---it IS your time, whether COVID-19 takes you out---or not.  

Side note;  a lady cried in front of me at Kroger when the cashier told her last week she couldn't buy nine bottles of liquid anti-bacterial soap.  This same woman had about $300 worth of groceries in her cart...mostly junk food.  Did you know that Kix cereal now comes in a box the size of a standard bed pillow?  Who the hell came up with that brilliant idea?  Sheesh!   And what's with mega-stuffed Oreos?  Man have I been out of the junk food loop!  Oh, and I heard from an M.D. that elderberry syrup has a compound within in which "feeds" the COVID-19 virus.  If that's the case, this lady in the grocery store is doomed with all the sugar she was totin' in her cart that night!

50 rolls of toilet paper and bottles of hand sanitizer will not help when you are sick with the flu in any form.  But the OTC meds which work best for you (in conjunction with the meds prescribed to you!) might.  Choose your  purchases wisely when you are out.  To buy all the bleach and rubbing alcohol in the world won't work when you're dying for a cough drop---but don't have any anywhere. Oops!

If you don't have a face mask or latex gloves, do you have a bandana...or a winter scarf...or other "types" of gloves?  Guess what, they're better than nothing for self-protection.  And teenagers...don't be coughing or spitting on the produce in the grocery store because you were raised by wolves....or no one at all.  That drama you stir up for your own amusement...it will come back to you when you least expect it---and it won't be good.

Quit walking your poor dogs 8, 9, or 10 times each day and night.  You want the poor thing to have a stroke?  (This IS a joke, by the way!)

Managing your own anxiety requires that you figure out what works best for you and/or in conjunction with one or more "wise mind" family member(s)/friend(s)/a licensed psychotherapist you can call for assistance.  Then you actually have to "do" what it is you figured out (and that is genuinely "good" for you and not harmful!)...and keep doing it.

If you don't like who you live with, you better learn real quick not to sweat the small stuff or you WILL take yourself down.  Practice patience.  Practice peace.  Practice kindness.  Kindness does matter.  Treat the other(s) you live with as equals...with respect...and without trying to control their every word or movement.  You aren't God...but neither is he/she/them.  

Conversely to the Romeo and Juliets out there under the age of 20:  yes, COVID-19 is a major drag.  Yet sneaking out to meet each other and make out may not be the best idea when you still live in different households.   Same is true with any "affair" couples...or other "groups" who like to push that envelope.  The sickness is real.  It's not a joke.  Be responsible...and think of someone else's health and well-being for a change---like the immunity-compromised family members who live with your "love" interest.

Do more "us" activities within your home that you both agree on (negotiation and compromise is key here!)...or that you all agree on doing as a couple/as a family.  When I lived with my bff back as young 20-somethings, we would each lie in our own beds and watch "The Dating Game" when it was on.  We'd yell out our responses when we had them;  it actually was quite fun!  I'll never forget the time that serial killer dude was on the show.  Best looking one out of the bunch, but thankfully the girl and he never ended up going out on their "date" when she selected him!  (Don't email me asking who he was;  I can picture him in my mind...but that's about it!)  Rodney Acala (!?)  Something like that.  I amaze myself at times!  LOL  :-P

Get into virtual socializing in real time.  There are virtual games to play with one or more people, virtual dinner parties...virtual movie nights...virtual happy hours (responsibly now!)...and virtual friend/family reunions.  It's an option.  Desktop or phone.  Zoom is great for incompatible cell phone subscribers. 

Get the jump on organizing your life and your residence and your closets and your drawers and your cupboards.  It's a very good thing.  Watch any past episode of the cable tv show "Hoarders" to motivate yourself to action.  A cluttered and disorganized house is a complete reflection of its owner(s)' mind(s).  Devoting even 20 minute a day to de-cluttering---one area of one room at a time---is a great way to start.  If you have stuff to discard, discard it!  That "thing" in your house that has been sitting there for months or years without being used or utilized---it's NOT "in" a relationship with you!  It's just a thing!  Get rid of it!  Sell it online!  We can still do that!  Poshmark is great!

Don't go to the fridge or to the pantry to eat your feelings.  If you make a practice of this, you will end up weighing a lot more at the end of this thing---than you did in the beginning of this thing.  

To all the active addicts...12 step meetings haven't stopped just because COVID-19 has landed.  And remember, if you are sober for a time and start back up drinking, you risk seizure and death.  Same is true in reverse.  Think Amy Winehouse.   If you become sick and are hospitalized DO NOT LIE to the doctors or nursing staff who are treating you.  You MUST tell them how much you truly are or have been drinking every day/night...and what other drugs you have been using and their specific amounts for pain, or recreationally, or to sleep at night.  Be wise in this regard.  By keeping your mouth shut and not speaking the truth, you really might end up dead---but not because of the Coronavirus.  Years ago, I had a client whose girlfriend drank a fifth of vodka every day.  She got the flu.  She didn't have her vodka in those first 24 hours she was so terribly sick.  When he woke up the next morning, she had not.  She was dead in the bed.  Seizure.  No wonder why.

Practice laughing every day.  The COVID-19 parody songs are beyond funny on youtube.  We are way talented all across this great global neighborhood we share!  (Or upload your own!  America's got talent!  We already know this!)  Watch any of the vintage throwback comedy programs or series that get you belly laughing in spite of.  I used to watch the original "Little Rascals" on VHS;  I also loved The Three Stooges.  Now...I am finding my own programs that are old, but still "new" to me.  Like Mystery Science Theatre 3000.  Laughter does the heart good like medicine.  No kidding that's absolutely true!

Now might be a great time to take up that hobby or interest you always wanted to do...but never felt you had the time for.  Learn how to play the piano.....or a new language...or silver plate your old costume jewelry.  Anything that you do in this regard that involves repetitive patterns and some form of counting...or memorizing...all good!  That actually helps to calm down the emotions-driven side of our brains when we are anxious and otherwise highly agitated or upset.  Whatever it is you are interested in learning or finding out "how to" do, there is a tutorial on youtube about that thing, I guarantee it!  If you have a sewing machine and know how to sew, start upcycling...or creating...or mending/altering all those items you meant to do, but didn't yet.  As it turns out, I am re-organizing my office bookshelves by color-coding each cubicle of books with found objects in the house (same color).  Amazing what a difference it's made already.  Only 71 more cubicles to go!  :-P  

If you don't cook or bake, now's your chance.  Watch, learn, and practice.  Unlike past history, you don't need grandma next to you to learn how to make homemade pasta noodles.  Just google "How to make homemade pasta noodles" and see all the tutorials that pop up!

Same goes for reading.  If you can read, you can certainly read about topics that you are beyond interested in.  It's that simple.  There won't be an exam when you finish...and reading actually does feed your soul!  So choose your books wisely too.  I happened to score "Chasing Vines" by Beth Moore the last day our local library was open.  Can't wait to get started on it!  Any one of us can google "Best books on the topic of ….." to see what's available to read online and/or purchase "used".  Novels, autobiographies, how-to and self-help, inspirational, history, crafts, poetry, true crime....need I go on?

Okay. Unsolicited advice over.  We will get through this.  You can count on that.  Stay healthy...and stay positive.  

Until next post...

CORONA-HUH?!...and Then Tragic Loss

As events unfold in real time, it is surreal to observe how many of us are witnessing something I know I never imagined possible in my lifetime .  Few are still around who were here during the largest pandemic in modern history (the Spanish Flu of 1918).  At that time, 50 million people died worldwide (the equivalent of 200 million today), with 500,000 deaths here in the United States.  The majority of deaths back then included people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.  (This is where my original post about Coronavirus ended...)

...and then I got the news this morning that my only sibling and younger brother died yesterday.  I don't know what he died from.  His roommate messaged me on Facebook to tell me when he found my brother dead in his bedroom, but I didn't see his message until this morning.  I just got off the phone with him, by the way.  I am going over there tomorrow to pick up my brother's ID and the paperwork from the coroner's office.  I am also meeting my brother's roommate for the first time.  He's recovering from shoulder surgery;  he just got home from the hospital on Friday.  My brother was to function as his roommate's primary caretaker...which had been going on for some time anyway, according to the roommate.  Friends are advising me not to go over there as this roommate might be infected with coronavirus.  Huh?  All I know is that my 57 year old brother died...and his roommate no doubt knew him better than I ever did.  Which is such a strange and tragic reality to acknowledge, but it is what it is.

My brother Gordon.  He was so cute as a baby and young child.  I remember dressing him up in his snowsuit when he was only two years old or so...so we could go out and "find" our wandering mother who left us alone at home while she went out "to the doctor".  She didn't drive;  she walked everywhere or took the bus.  On that particular day, it was terribly snowy outside and she hadn't come home after hours of being gone.  So, my eight year old self figured if I got my brother and I both dressed up, we could at least go out and meet her half way from where the local doctor's office was located in our town.  How I "knew" where it was logistically is beyond me, but no kidding I can figure out how to get to most any geographic destination like it's my own 6th sense.  This before GPS was even invented...

After bundling both of us up, we began walking towards Roemer Clinic.  Fortunately, we found her walking back towards our house.  She  wasn't surprised;  she wasn't mad.  She was just herself.  I was grateful.  I can remember thinking back then if we didn't end up seeing her...I'd have to walk us to our aunt's house and wait until she and my uncle came home from work....

My brother was 57 years old when he died yesterday.  He never married;  he had no children of his own.  He had a wicked relationship with alcohol and drugs since he was about 12 years old (7th grade).  He was always a very smart kid in elementary school, but since I was kicked out of our parents' home when he was 12 and I was 18...I didn't see or speak to him much since then.  Of course our mother kept me apprised of what he was doing throughout the years, mostly to do with his alcohol and drug use.  He did stand up in my wedding when I was 23 and he was 17.  He was also caught that night out in the parking lot smoking weed with our neighbor's youngest son, who also attended my wedding.  Yep, my brother was an old pro by age 17 having five years of recreational substance use under his belt by then.

I remember praying for him a lot over the years.  There was the time he accidentally killed someone while driving and a motorcycle and its rider ran into his rear passenger side door.  At least that's what I was told.  Then there was the time I was upstairs in our parents' home and saw the computer printout (old skool style) which seemed to go on forever of my brother's various "charges" to do with his driving record.  He lost his driver's license decades ago, by the way.  I also remember when my mother told me about his "drop down" weed business.  He stayed upstairs in my old bedroom (our attic that was converted to my bedroom when I was in 9th grade), so when a "customer" came by to pick up his order of weed, my brother dropped it down to him from his bedroom window.  Since my mother knew about his business, she must have been the one who collected the money (?!).  I have no idea.  I can't even go there about "their" relationship.  That will be for another time in another post.

As a young married wife, I remember when we were in Europe and my mother in law called us in a panic that someone had tried breaking into our house when she went by randomly one day to check on it.  She saw the front screen had been removed from our ground-level office window....left lying on the grass...and with footprints in the flower bed right around the window itself.  When we returned from Europe and my mother called...I told her the story about the potential break-in.  Very casually she said to me, "Oh..that was just your brother;  he was out that way and needed a place to sleep."  Really?  Yes, that's what she said---and was actually aggravated when I said the incident had scared my poor mother in law to bits, then in her late late 60s.

I also remember the time our mother called me at 7AM when I was making food for our daughter's elementary school class (I was the Room Mom)...and my mother started screaming into the phone "He's dead!  He's dead!'  as soon as I answered the phone said "Hello".  After asking "Who is this?" and finding out it was my mother screaming about my brother....she told me that he overdosed and was rushed to their local area hospital.  "He's dead!"  When I asked her how he got to the hospital, she simply replied "Oh, he drove himself."  Okay then.  Yeah, it was like that with her...and with him.

Another time, my aunt and I were on the telephone.  She was my mother's only sister.  She was telling me (without screaming...that wasn't her style), that my brother was "probably" dead because they just had found a body in their hometown by some railroad tracks...and my brother, at that point, had been missing for a couple of days.  As she was telling me this, I became more and more upset because that's all she "had" as evidence/information to share.  In spite of my attempts to gain some clarity here, she ended our call by telling me, "And don't forget, if you make a housecoat for me like I asked, be sure to put pockets in it up front!"   Yeah, it was like that with her too.

After that....I know my brother made at least one suicide attempt after our father died.  They had been living together for some years after our mother passed in late 2007.  After my father's death, my brother ingested all of my father's insulin medication.  I had no idea what was going on until the hospital called me to say "Oh, your brother is out of his coma!  You can come see him now."  HUH?!  I went and saw him;  he was a mess.  Barely verbal...doing a lot of staring....and then he was discharged.  He didn't contact me at all after that, though one of his "friends" did.  "Your brother won't leave my house;  make him leave my house!", said the voice on the other end of the phone.  Apparently my brother was staying and sleeping under this man's dining room table;  that's what I was told.  I suggested that this "friend" do things the proper way and get the local police involved.  I assume he did, as my brother ended up drifting from place to place after that.  Oh, and the reason why he didn't stay where he and my father were living was because they were in the process of being evicted.  My mother told me they had lived in 13 different places (all in our same hometown) during the 10 years between the selling of their family home in 1997...and to the time of her death in 2007.  Clearly, my brother's comfort and "care" was the highest priority for the three of them as their own family.  As I have said many times to clients, there ARE parents out there who strike similar deals with their alcohol and/or drug addicted adult child.  "Just don't leave us...and we'll make sure you get whatever you want when you want it, even when and if it's bad for you."  Sadly, this was the bargain struck between our parents and my brother...whether those words were spoken or not between them.

Ultimately, my brother found a job and someone to live with after my father's death and recovery from his own suicide attempt.  The company who hired my brother was heralded in the local news as "felon friendly", which to me, was the only way my brother could possibly be hired by anyone.  My brother never spent time in the big house (as I did during my own training for my current career)...but he spent many a time in various local jails in our metropolitan area.  He did let me know he was doing "great" when he asked for my personal information, claiming that he had an insurance policy through his employer and needed my current address, etc.  His employer's company has since shut down.  I understand from his now former roommate that my brother was let go before the company closed for good.  I still don't know if there was a legit insurance policy or not...or if my brother just wanted to know where I lived.

The last time I spoke to my brother was September of 2016. I know because I wrote him a letter (never sent) dated one year later and still in my computer here.  I asked him if he was sober yet;  I written him how our last living relative (our aunt) had died the May before our last phone chat.  I asked about his life and relationship with his most recent roommate.

No, I didn't send the letter.  The last time I had seen my brother was when I dropped off some things for him as he was recovering from heart valve replacement surgery.  This was six months or so before our last phone call.  I remembered how he behaved towards me when I saw him face to face to give him some clothing items and shoes he asked for.  I was disappointed.  In spite of his heart-related issues and surgeries to repair it, he did not appear to have any spiritual epiphanies worth sharing (at least with me).

On the phone with me that last time in 2016, he said he stopped taking the medication given to him for his new heart valve and hole repair.  He didn't say why;  he just said he stopped taking it.  When I asked why he called me that day, his response was "I just wanted to tell you how good I'm doing."  Grant it, my brother clearly had self-esteem issues;  that was not new information.  Yet it was so sad to think he never even met his only niece while alive...because he didn't make any effort to.

When I talked to my brother's roommate this morning, I asked him if my brother had ever been to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed at all.  He told me no.  Why am I surprised?  My brother, not unlike our parents when they were alive, chose to do anything their own way.  Nobody and no one else "knew" anything better than they, themselves did.  In my brother's case, he chose alcohol, weed, and other substances to feel better on demand.  My parents chose fighting with each other and alternately abusing and neglecting us in order for them to feel better on demand---or so as it appeared to me.

I became an LLP psychologist.  My brother became a statistic.  I can only hope and pray he got himself right with God before he was taken yesterday.   In the end, that's all that matters.  Do you know God so you can know peace?  God knows my brother needed peace more than anything else.

I don't know if he was sick...or not.  I don't know if he just drifted away in his sleep...or not.  All I do know is that he had a terribly hard and difficult life, in large part due to becoming comfortable with being served by others.  Yes, he was mentally ill....but he was also a sweet, kind, and whip smart young child who I taught to read before he was five years old.

I wish I could have took him with me when I was kicked out at age 18.  Even when I begged him to leave when he was around 19, he just stared at me and said "Yeah I know..I'll move out soon."  But he never did.

Now he's not only finally moved out...but he's moved on also.  Where to I can only hope and pray about that in my own quiet moments.

RIP Gordon my "little" brother.  March 14, 2020.