Thursday, December 24, 2020

When Being "Good" is MORE About Being "Right"!

There was a little girl...who had a little curl...right in the middle of her forehead.  And when she was good, she was very very good...but when she was bad----she believed she was still being "good"!

My apologies to the author of this old skool nursery rhyme...but I needed to make my point for opening today's blog post.  Being "good" isn't always about being authentically good.  As you will soon see, being good can also be all about satisfying our own insatiable need to be "right"---which is NOT good!  ;-)

Just the other day I was listening to the radio when a woman called in to ask the psychotherapist about her struggle with "being miserable" most of the time.  This woman gave some examples about how she has extreme difficulty sharing her own "truths" to others.  "I am that person who doesn't know what to order at the restaurant until everyone else orders ahead of me..."  "I always let the other person pick what we do when we are out together."  She also mentioned having a hard time sharing how she feels about anything she's watched on television or at the movies when asked.  There were a few other examples, primarily to do with this woman feeling afraid of being harshly judged by others and/or making "mistakes" in her interpersonal interactions.

What I didn't expect the psychotherapist to do in response to this woman was cut to the chase regarding this caller's own inflated sense of ego.  Huh?  Yep, I did just write the word "inflated" (versus deflated or non-existent!).  What does that mean?  It means that this particular woman has an issue that most of us share with her...but are completely unaware of.  That problem is this:  our insatiable need to be "right" being entangled up with our similarly insatiable and solution-focused need (and desire!) to be "good". 

When any of us functions in a way that is laser focused on being both "good" and "right" as often as we can manage to achieve that (in our own opinion of course!)...our inflated sense of ego has become the lens through which we experience "everything" in our own lives.  And if what we experience, as we experience it, is determined to be "of no good use" to us in favorably feeding our own ego...we ignore it, walk away from it, focus on something or someone else instead, etc.  Here's my example of that:  many years ago I was at a pastor's house for a women's Bible study.  Someone who had recently moved into the area was working the room going around to each woman introducing herself and (basically!) saying the following:  "Hi, I'm Blah-Blah-Blah...are YOU someone important enough for me to get to know better?"  Don't laugh.  She didn't use those words exactly, but that was her primary message.  When she got to me, I looked at her and responded with  "No, you don't have to get to know me...I'm a nobody."  Her expression was priceless.  She knew she was busted.  Yep, I love those moments---and I wasn't even doing "this" yet as my chosen profession!  Well...that's how discernment can roll.  

When our own ego is in charge of our thoughts, words, and deeds....we are living right in the midst of an egocentric (and arrogant!) (and pride-filled!) lifestyle that reduces ourselves and others down to objects that are of potential good "use" versus "no good use" to ourselves or those others we claim to love and care about.  How this plays out in real life can range from the "I have to be good AND right!  I can't make a mistake!" type of person (like the radio show caller mentioned above).....to the "Of what USE are you to me if I am "good" to you now?" (like the newbie at the women's Bible study)

When we are authentically being "good" to others, there cannot be expectations attached.  When we attach strings to our giving...or to our "goodness"...that is codependent, arrogant, pride-filled, and ego-driven!!  Which translates, very simply, to m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-i-v-e!    

When we are genuinely good to others and for no "good" reason, it does NOT have any goal or desired end result attached.  We give of ourselves freely (our love, our time, compassion, material goods, etc.) without concerning ourselves with what we want or EXPECT back in return.

When we mix up our insatiable need to be "right" with being "good"...that's when the proverbial sh** will ultimately hit the fan of our own lives.  We keep trying to make ourselves feel good about ourselves in the name of being "good" and "right" together---and all we end up getting is a big bunch of disappointment.  This is a hard way to live people!  Maybe if we stop obsessing about being "right" all the time as part of what we believe it means to be "good" as a person...we'd learn some valuable lessons!

Think about that.  If you need help sorting your way through issues like this one, give me a call or text.  If anything, I can come up along side you and assist you in navigating your way through the muck of life so you can know better...and then do better!  

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays 2020!


Until next post...









Thursday, December 17, 2020

The Narratives We Fabricate (Part II)

Couldn't help myself;  sorry!  I just had too much more to say on this topic of how we twist reality when we want to feel better (about ourselves, about someone else, about some "thing" outside of ourselves, etc.).   And please don't get this twisted;  the narratives we fabricate can be extremely negative in nature because "that" is what works in the moment to make us feel better!  "I can't....I am not able to....I don't have the strength..." (blah-de-blah blah!)  Avoiding personal responsibility(s) because we can is one narrative that has supported many lifetimes' worth of "I can't...but you can on my behalf o.k.?!"  Spare me.  Time to drag out the sidewalk chalk!  If you want to believe you are THE "V"-word Victim of your own life and circumstances...so you shall be!  Your narratives will be filled with reasons why you didn't couldn't wouldn't and but but but but but....because THAT'S how victims roll!

Along with this "V" Victim status is its twin sister the "M"-word Martyr.  How do the two go together like hand-in-a-glove when it comes to the personal narratives we fabricate?  Well, think about it!  Martyrs are locked into saving, fixing, and rescuing "certain" people of their own choosing.  If Martyrs had only one sentence to speak while they were alive on this planet, this would be their sentence:  "YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME!"  Yep, that'd be it!  UNlike the martyrs of Biblical times who sacrificed themselves in the name of God, today's martyrs sacrifice themselves in the name of their OWN pride, arrogance, and ego.  Sad, but true!  Therefore, when a Martyr is unable to accomplish what he or she set out to do in the name of fixing, saving, and/or rescuing the person of their choosing (this week, this month, this year, and/or in this lifetime!)...they get UPSET!!!  Martyrs, in this moment, can easily transform into V-word Victim status!  Why?  Well, how would YOU feel if you poured yourself into someone else's life to "try" to encourage, inspire, and motivate them---and he/she/they basically showed you (through their own chosen behaviors!) "No thanks!  Not interested in changing the way you want me to!".  As a Martyr, would this type of revelation make you want to get up and dance a jig?  I don't think so!  It would, instead dear Martyr, make you want to sit down and cry your eyeballs out...feel depressed...feel powerless....feel helpless...and feel like you were an idiot for ever engaging in "stupid rescuing" like that with (insert name of target "cause" person here).  Yep, victim status and martyr status are like the Siamese twins of dysfunctional codependent giving gone way wrong. 

Fabricating negative narratives when speaking of someone else who "hurt" us in this way...well, perhaps now you can see why feeling better or feeling good about ourselves can very often be at the expense of someone else who we believe "hurt" us by not complying with our demands and expectations we placed on them. We do it often enough to one another (often without realizing) because that's how deep the roots of dysfunctional codependent relationships run throughout the tapestry of human existence!

Here's an example:  "I feel guilty because if my parents ever found out.......they'd disown me for real and for good."  And??  What's so bad about being disowned when you are perfectly capable of creating your own good enough life if you have a brain and body that works well enough to allow you to support yourself financially?  Watch Nick Vujicic's testimony on youtube if you don't think "you" can be in charge of your own life financially...or in any other way that fully-responsible adults function.  Vujicic, an American-Australian evangelist (and a cousin of mine somewhere up our shared family tree) was born without arms or legs.  What were you born without?  And??  What were you born WITH;  how about focusing on this question instead?  There are NO excuses, except for those who choose to drown themselves in them!  No matter what you are afraid of....living in that fear is what will ultimately ruin you if you let it!

Fabricating truth instead of living in it;  it's a huge issue for us and our country right now.  2020 is the year everyone on planet earth would rather give back, but we can't.  We have to rally...we have to rise up...and we have to consider "the other guy" and not just ourselves and our own under-responsible and/or irresponsible way(s) of doing things.  You do matter...but I do also.   We are all equals, not objects.  If you want to wear a face mask, socially distance, and keep your hands clean....go for it.  But if you don't....don't be a hypocrite and go into a public building wearing a mask---and then remove it as soon as you're in.  Or wear it "half mast" with your nose sticking out;  would you wear your underpants like that?  Seems silly now, doesn't it?

Someone I know who was a huge anti-COVID "It's all b.s.!" kinda person died recently.  Yes, from COVID.  It was an ugly death and journey for this person;  a person who never believed in traditional medicine to the point of fanatic status.  This person's narrative was consistently filled with edicts like any and all vaccines are poison....everything can be treated and cured using holistic medicine.....any American made and manufactured prescription drugs cannot be trusted, etc. etc.  That narrative serves no useful purpose now in the lives of his family members left behind.

Arrogance and pride....versus humility.  Isn't that what this all boils down to?  When we are most focused on being right, we are being arrogant and pride-filled.  (And our personal narratives will have so many twists and turns, it'll look like a Pirate's map!) Yet when we are most focused on what's right, we are being humble.  Be humble always.  Be a student of life and all the valuable lessons we can draw from it.  When we think we do know better than anyone else, we really are functioning as captains of our own sinking ship (of false reality).

Stay safe and healthy.  Until  next post....









Friday, December 11, 2020

Real Life Reality....versus The Narratives We Fabricate!

Lately I have been hearing a whole lot of  personal narratives...with a twist.  What does that mean?  It means when we ourselves (or others!) start recounting some story or incident aloud---and just can't help twisting the reality of the situation or circumstance so as to "fill in the blanks" the way we want to fill them. 

Whether we are talking about ourselves or someone else, we are a people who tend to exaggerate, embellish, omit or partially omit, inflate, deflate, and definitely tangle up the "truth" of any given situation or circumstance in order to satisfy our own emotional needs within that moment of time.  In Bible speak, this is about "bearing false witness" against others and/or ourselves.  We tend to pursue this dysfunctional pattern of relating to each other more naturally than we tell the truth!  We are all human, but when we regularly engage in this pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we begin to lose our humanity (compassion and empathy towards ourselves and others) bit by little bit.

Real life reality may bite when it does, but it's worse when we keep confabulating (which means doctoring up or down the facts about...) what actually is!  This means we live more subjectively than objectively when it comes to the reality we are living in.  Instead of sticking to the facts/evidence of the circumstance under examination, we gotta spin it.  We spin it up (false positive) or we spin it down (false negative)  Or, at times, we spin it both ways (false positive and false negative depending on our mood and the day!).  This is how and why people remain stuck or lost in their own drama(s) of life.  Rather than working to solve our own problem(s)...or resolve our shared problem with another person...or dissolve the problem altogether because we have no control over it or it's outcome...we spin.  And we spin some more...while forgetting we still have our "own" work to do in order to genuinely improve the quality of our OWN life!  ;-)

If you want to be truly helpful to someone you love and care about, tell him/her/them the truth about "everything" the facts reveal with love and grace attached.  Including yourself.  Nobody improves the quality of their own lives by just thinking about it...or crying about it....or ignoring the work that is still yet to be done.

You are worthy and deserving of all the inner peace, authentic hope (for your own future), and personal happiness (joy-based, not based on having or getting "things" to make you happy!) that is available to you from the God who created you!  He didn't screw you or your life up (or anybody else's for that matter!).  We do it to our selves when we make destructive or self-destructive choices in the name of feeling good or better "right now".

Don't we get that yet?  We should!  People keep dying or gravely injuring themselves because they are too busy living in a twisted reality of their own making and design!

Time to stop that madness everyone!  Our narratives need to be based on real life reality and the facts of our situation.  When we keep spinning either false positive or false negative narratives because it's so much easier, we end up spinning ourselves further down into that abyss we already inhabit!  Just stop!

Today is the new day!  Do something different.  Call someone.  Read a book.  Call a professional like myself who can come alongside and offer you a hand up.

Happy holidays 2020.  The year we would all rather give back if we could...but can't.  That's reality.  Time to give yourself back to reality and make 2021 your best year ever!  ;-)






Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Crafting Fun in Time for Christmas!

The ability to create something out of nothing...or from what appears to be unrelated materials and/or very "basic" materials...is good for the soul.  Back when I was a young kid, Carol Duvall was our generation's version of Martha Stewart when it came to "crafting".   She had her own television show here in Detroit called "Here's Carol Duvall!".  She made Christmas ornaments;  she made picture frames, she made toys...Carol was the "it" lady crafter extraordinaire!  After 56 years in television, Carol retired to Traverse City, where she currently resides in an assisted living complex.  I tried finding youtube video clips from her shows back from the 60's;  no such luck.  She really was inspirational in showing us all how to "craft" before crafting went mainstream---let alone became the mega billion dollar + industry that it is today.  Back in the 60s and 70's, "Franks Nursery and Crafts" was the only retailer that actually had a significant part of its retail space dedicated to craft-related items.  Next aisle over were the lawnmowers and garden hoses.  Boy, things sure have changed (thankfully!) since then for the craft industry!

So why craft?  As I alluded to, crafting is good for the soul.  When we can literally get out of our own heads in order to do something "different" and positive with our time and our fingertips...it's all good!  I don't know about you, but I remember the first time I sat in front of a sewing machine my 8th grade "homemaking" class...and physically froze over the idea of "How am I going to do this?!"  Well, it may have taken me a month to make my first double-breasted and scoop-necked corduroy jumper, but I DID finish it!  I wore it too!  When we can accomplish something all on our own whether it be sewing, woodworking, upcycling, painting..(and the list goes on!)..it DOES feel very good from the inside out!  Instead of ruminating on all that's wrong in this world and in our own personal lives, crafting provides us an "out" that IS more helpful than harmful to us.  I mean, did you ever see someone working on a craft project while simultaneously flipping out over some person, place, or thing?  Of course you have NOT!  Crafting requires sustained focus;  sustained focus is a good thing and actually works to settle the emotional part of our brains down when they are otherwise flaming out of control.  Crafting is like having access to the firehose and the steady stream of cold water to put out that dumpster fire occurring within one's own mind!  Any craft which requires that we pay attention, engage in some form of counting or keeping track of patterns, works our hands in a rhythmic way, etc.---these are the skills that also help heal the effects of PTSD on its sufferers.  Grab a copy of "Surviving Survival" by Laurence Gonzales if you doubt what I am saying here.  Crafting, learning an instrument, learning a new language, even traveling somewhere you haven't been before;  all these things "work" to help calm, soothe, and relax us when we are otherwise agitated and anxious...   ;-)

In this time of Covid-19, I decided to craft and bake the gifts I will be giving to friends and family this year for Christmas.  I saw an oversized knit onesie on the net yesterday;  the seller wants $900 for it.  I didn't think my husband or daughter would appreciate it, though I'm not kidding it was beyond impressive.  Here it is:  


Can you imagine wearing this to Kroger because you've run out of yogurt?  LOL!

In all seriousness, using your own talents, skills, and capabilities to make, bake, create, or upcycle what you've got to give (away!) this holiday season IS a good thing!

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Today, and for something different, I will present to you what it takes to make your own DIY Christmas wreath using dollar store supplies!  I found a bag from the dollar store in our basement this morning.  Inside were the fixings to make my own wreath.  Clearly, I am ADHD.  However, I just finished my wreath...so why not share what I did?  (Photo below!)  Since I am more of a reader by nature, I'm going to write down my recipe for the wreath I made today.  You can go to youtube also, of course, but I do like my version too!  :-D

Go to your favorite Dollar store and pick up a black metal wreath frame.  They come in different sizes.  You pick which size you most prefer.  It's a dollar (or less if on sale).

Now get yourself a bag of pipe cleaners.  With the holidays, I selected silver.  Pick a color for your pipe cleaners that will blend in with the "theme" colors chosen for your wreath.  I went into the store last year not knowing what colors I wanted, until I saw the colors I wanted!  (Silver, gold, off-white, and gray)

Get five rolls of mesh ribbon (9 feet per roll), each roll is 2.5" wide.  I bought two silver rolls and two gold rolls of the same exact type of ribbon (heavily sequined).  Then I bought a fifth roll that was of a completely different type of silver ribbon (looked like a crocheted mesh).

Get three rolls of 5/8" ribbon (9 feet per roll).  I bought three completely different types;  one was white ribbon with gold Christmas trees running down it, one was silver glitter, and the last was gray ribbon that had "Believe" printed down it in white lettering.

That's it.  That's your "supply" stash to create your wreath;  I used a medium sized black wreath frame;  if you use the largest one available...double the above-mentioned ribbon amounts.

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To start creating your wreath, cut your pipe cleaners in half.  Easy.

Unroll your first silver and then gold wide mesh ribbons and place one on top of the other.  Now you can start to attach these two ribbons to your wreath frame using the pipe cleaners you have cut.  

Start along the bottom row of your frame (the widest part) by scrunching up the end of your two ribbons and then holding them to the frame itself as you wrap a pipe cleaner around them and the frame (tightly!) and twist the pipe cleaner twice (to hold the two ribbons in place against the frame).  

Create a "poof" with your ribbons, scrunch ribbons together at a spot about 3" or so away from where you started.  Wrap pipe cleaner around scrunched ribbons to connect to this part of your wreath frame.  To "poof" means just to let the ribbons stick up in the air a bit like a bubble, rather than laying flat agains the frame as you connect each pair of ribbons to the frame itself.

Continue to do this all around the wreath frame (bottom row);  when you get to where you started, scrunch your ribbons again and wrap the pipe cleaner ends from that 1st "scrunch" to your ribbons now.  (You don't need to add another pipe cleaner here.)  Then move the ribbons up to 2nd row from the bottom of your wreath frame and repeat the poof-scrunch-wrap-against-frame-with-pipe-cleaner process.  

When you get to the end of the ribbons from your 1st two rolls, start again with the 2nd two rolls of the same mesh (wide) ribbons until you have covered rows 1, 2, and 3 of your wreath frame.

At this point, you have a 4th row (inner circle) of your wreath frame yet to cover with another "poofed" mesh (wide) ribbon.  I happened to chose a different silver mesh ribbon (wide) that looked like it was crocheted.  You can choose the same ribbon(s) you used for the first three rows;  that's up to you!  I used a single roll for mine;  I did not use two ribbons held together as I had for the first three rows of my wreath.

Use your last mesh  (wide) ribbon(s) of choice to connect them to the 4th row of your wreath frame.

When you are done, you can pull apart and "poof out" your ribbons in a way that looks best to you...while taking note of the open areas of your frame that you can now cover using your 5/8" ribbon choices (group of 3 ribbons).

Eyeballing it, use the existing pipe cleaner "ends" to wrap around each trio of your 5/8" ribbons that you have cut to 4-5" in length (I didn't use a tape measure;  I used two squares length on my desk calendar to measure and cut my ribbons out!  ;-) ).  You can then arrange your three ribbons in the shape of an X with the 3rd ribbon running down the middle of each X you create.  You can also staple the ribbons in the center so they don't shift around when you place them on your wreath where you want and twist the pipe cleaner ends around them to connect to your wreath frame.

When you have created all your 5/8" ribbon trio segments (stapled)...you can start putting them where you like on your wreath and attach with the pipe cleaner ends you see.

To finish "off" each pipe cleaner..you can either twist the remaining ends around a pencil (for a "curl" effect)..or just cut them down (short) so they don't stick out.

Voila!  Here's mine!





Until next post...and Happy Holidays 2020!  :-D