Breaking the Cycle...

Just the other day I was speaking with a young lady who had come to see me because her parents believe she has a drinking problem.  She disagrees with them of course, as most young ladies of her age would do.  Instead, she told me that marijuana was her preferred drug of choice and she could quit that too anytime she liked.  If I had a nickel for every time I have heard these words in the context of a psychotherapy session, I could have retired many years ago.  Instead, I am still here and still attempting to inspire clients who don't believe that the "addiction cycle" would or could ever pertain to them.  Today's blog post is about the addiction cycle and why it pertains to all of us...and not just those who get "busted" and then forced into therapy with someone like me...

In order to break a cycle, we have to understand it.  We all are creatures of habit as human beings and we all struggle with some form or another of addictive thinking and behavior.  People can be addicted to anything;  it's just that we don't publicly acknowledge our "addiction" to things like the outdoors, hunting, old movies, books, or football.  By understanding the addiction cycle and how it progresses from a "thing" that provides us with short-term gratification to a "thing" that can control our lives in a way we never imagined or expected--nobody will know whether they are "addicted" or not until they know what "addicted" actually looks like.  So here we go...

1.  Short-term gratification

We discover something that when we do it...or when we eat it...or when we drink it...or when we smoke/snort/inject it....we "feel" better.  That's all.  We feel better.  Sometimes the type of better that we feel is more calm...or more relaxed...or more focused...or more energized.  Whatever "it" is that we were hoping to feel, that thing we have used or done has worked.  And we like the fact that it worked.

2.  Long-term pain

After the thing we have done or used has worn off, we are back to feeling as we usually do.  Sometimes we even feel worse because the thing we have done or used worked really well (we thought!) and  now here we are back to feeling "blah" (at the very least!)..or worse.  Our long-term pain, in other words, is back and didn't truly vanish for good.  We're stuck with our long-term pain.  Unless....

3.  Addictive Thinking

Unless maybe we do or use (again!) whatever it is we discovered that works to make us feel better.  We find ourselves beginning to obsess about that process or substance (or both!) that seems to work pretty quickly when we need to feel good again.  We also find ourselves having irrational cravings or urges for "it" that don't make real sense (I know I could study better at the library today for finals so long as someone can front me a reggie (aka "get me a marijuana cigarette").   "If I just get over to Barnes & Noble and have me a piece of The Cheesecake Factory with a latte, that'll work!"  "If I can just veg in front of the t.v. tonite with some wine, I'll be fine..."

Our addictive thinking leads us to a place of focusing in on how we are going to "treat" our own painful feelings without anyone else knowing what we are up to.

4.  Increased Tolerance

Of course, feeling "good" like we did the very first time we did or used what we did or used to feel better doesn't work for very long.  We need to do more of it....or use more of it...in order to get that same level of "Yeah, I feel good now."  A five ounce glass of wine after work just doesn't seem to work as well as a half bottle.  Watching one football game on Saturday afternoon doesn't seem to work quite as well as football everytime the t.v. set is turned on.  Whatever it is we have discovered to do or use to make ourselves feel better fast....now we need "more" of it for the same effect.

5.  Loss of Control

At some point, others begin to see what you can't or won't see yourself.  "Gee Larry, it seems like your nose is always twitching along with your eyes;  have you noticed that lately?"  "Mom...you have been to the casino every day this week;  don't you think it's getting to be a bit much?"  "So what if it's my third MIP...I'm a victim of circumstance!"  At this point in the cycle, others are noticing how your "real life" is being adversely affected by that thing you are doing...or ingesting.  What it all adds up to are one or more losses that you may ultimately choose to ignore or acknowledge.  When you choose to acknowledge your loss(es) in whatever form(s) they take, then and only then will you be ready to choose the first step towards sobriety and a recovery-based lifestyle.  Which, by the way, is to acknowledge how that "thing" (whatever it is) is now in control of you...rather than you being in control of it.

Funny how things tend to come full circle in so many many cases.

Until next time...






     

Feedback Loopers....

Have you ever known someone who seems to repeat themselves in regards to the same handful of topics whenever you are together?  This is the individual who behaves as if whatever is being shared is "new" information that you haven't heard before.  I call it being in the presence of a Feedback Looper.  No matter what you feel you actively do to distract your feedback looper away from whatever it is he or she is fixated on talking about....it doesn't change a thing.  Mr. or Ms. Feedback Looper keeps going and going until only they themselves decide to stop.  Not that we aren't ourselves guilty of this looping syndrome when we have an unresolved or difficult issue in our own lives.  However, most people do know and understand when enough is enough and they need to stop talking about "it" for now---or altogether.  Today's post is about those who don't know when to stop because their own feedback loop is what feeds their insatiable need for....  (Keep on reading!)

Let me tell you about "Maryanne" as an introduction to this syndrome.  I met her when I was in my 20s as she was a friend of a friend we used to socialize with on the odd Friday night.  Maryanne was Eastern European and had heavy duty pressure from her parents to "find a nice man to marry and make babies with".  Somehow Maryanne burned this edict into her brain because whenever we were together, she never (and I do mean NEVER!) shut up about "I need to find a boyfriend...I don't have a boyfriend...I have to find someone who'll go out with me" ad nauseum!  As fate would have it, Maryanne eventually did find a boyfriend.  Then when I saw her several months later, her feedback loop switched to "I wonder when he's going to propose to me....do you think it's too quick if we get engaged by Christmas....What will I do if he dumps me"...blah-de-blah-de-blah.  After I heard that Maryanne and her boyfriend did get married...you got it.  Her feedback loop became focused on "I don't know why he's always gone....he's never home....I'm not pregnant yet...I need to get pregnant before I'm 30.."

...and that's what one form of feedback looping can look like in real life.  If you don't know if you have an issue with feedback looping, just take a long look at your social relationships.  Who calls you to go out, go to lunch, come over, have a play date with the kids, etc?  If you don't have any or many friends and don't do much by invitation without fully understanding "How did this happen to me?"...chances are there is something going on that you can't look at too deeply which MAY include a problem with feedback looping.

For so many feedback loopers, the motive driving their behavior is two fold.  First, they want to discharge their own anxiety (which means decreasing it) by talking out loud about "it" (the cause(s) of their anxiety) to whatever pair of ears are closest by.  This is somewhat understandable (though there are much more effective ways of discharging anxiety that's for sure!)...but not when it is tied to the other reason why feedback loopers can't or won't shut themselves down:  they want ALL of anyone's attention.  It's much like not being satisfied with being another pretty girl in a room full of pretty girls.  The feedback looper wants to be THE prettiest girl not just today or this evening..but EVERY day and EVERY evening and believes that feedback looping is going to achieve this.  Which it does not.  If anything, it drives people away who have become sick and tired of hearing the same sh** different day from the feedback looper in their own lives.

Don't get me wrong.  I have tremendous empathy for anyone who hasn't yet figured out how to solve, resolve, and/or dissolve their issues.  Yet I find it extremely mystifying how any feedback looper believes that talking about "whatever" over and over again like a broken record is somehow an important part of the healing, positive change, and personal growth process.  It is not.  

Nothing changes if nothing changes.  I've said this plenty (like a feedback loop!) to clients over the past several years.  Talking something to death...or talking the same handful of topics to death...is NOT a way to make authentically difficult circumstances or situations "better"---let alone solve or resolve them.  And although some situations and circumstances can never be truly solved or resolved (such as would be true with someone who is terminally ill, suffering from a chronic disease with no cure, etc.)...how does talking about it over and over again to your sister or best friend or boss help matters any?  It just doesn't!

A professional psychotherapist is the answer here;  not just the next available set of ears.  Until next time...