It's hard to think straight when your life is a hot mess. We make decisions believing we are solving one problem, only to realize that we have created other, larger problems. Those other larger problems typically have to do with pursuing behaviors to make us feel good fast. So let's take a look at the life of "Lela" to demonstrate how wrong choices always (and I do mean ALWAYS!) lead to hotter messes than the one(s) we started out with...
"Lela" works full time at a hardware store. She's worked there for about ten years, and she isn't exactly thrilled with her current "career". Yet, Lela is forced to work because her husband "Lee" is a stay-at-home dad who happens to have a wicked online gaming addiction. Lela and Lee's children are all under the age of five; they have no other support people like parents or grandparents to assist them with childcare.
Lee is capable of working, but chooses not to. People known to the couple claim that Lee is a lazy *$_@ gaming addict without a clue. These same folks say that Lela is not right in the head for allowing Lee to run her life like that's her only choice. Lela's parents are nearby in the same town; however, Lela's mom has her own boatload of mental health issues, including the fact that she will be homeless within the next few months.
As a family system, Lee and Lela don't have much, don't have any positive supports, and are hanging on by a slender thread seemingly controlled by Lee's gaming habit. ("When it's good, it's great; when I lose, it's terrible.")
Enter "Preston". Preston just started working at the hardware store as a part-time janitor. Preston resides in a Section 8 apartment next door to the strip mall where the hardware store is located. Preston doesn't drive or have a car, so he walks to work each day. Oh by the way, Preston is a drug addict. He believes nobody "knows" his little secret, but his new co-workers started talking amongst each other about Preston's trips back and forth to the bathroom the same day he gets paid; Preston also is known as the "Mr. Twenty Bucks" because that's what he asks for from his co-workers during the days leading up to payday. Preston was never married or had any children. He has lived in several places throughout the country over his life. Preston is currently 68 years old. And Preston has had his eye on Lela...
Lela has a weight problem. Preston has said many times to many of his coworkers since he started at the hardware store that "I don't do fat chicks." Lela obviously didn't receive this memo because she became instantly smitten with Preston the first time he told her she looked "beautiful". She was coming out of the bathroom, he was just outside the door sweeping up. It was kismet. Or so Lela believed. Preston then got to work to get Lela to function as his new private door dasher.
After three months of a hot-and-heavy affair (in Lela's mind that is!), Preston decided he was done with Lela. "The $*)@ acts like I'm going to marry her and raise her kids with her. She's nuttier than a damn fruitcake!", he lamented to his co-worker "Stan". "Then why did you get involved with her in the first place dude?", asked Stan. True to form, Preston made it clear: "She did my laundry, she bought me food and drinks, and she..." Well, you can guess the rest.
When Preston suddenly quit his job after dumping Lela, and didn't respond to Lela's texts or voicemails, she was truly devastated. "I loved him! He loved me! We were planning a future together!"
Okay (?!)
With Preston now gone, Lela became severely depressed and coworkers began hearing her talk about "my life is over", "I have nothing to live for", "he made me feel like I mattered.."
Yep, that's what toxic codependency can look like in real life...and it's also what a person can be like when he/she/they don't think too much about how to straighten out their own hot mess of a life in an APPROPRIATE manner. Preston was NOT the answer to Lela's hot mess of a life with Lee. Lela was not the answer to Preston's hot mess of a life without a woman. In fact, their "relationship" created an even hotter mess for Lela, who had never before been involved with "another man" until Preston showed up in her life.
In fact, these two people were both expecting a whole lot from a whole lot of nothing to satisfy their own selfish desires.
When your life is a hot mess, save your money and get some real help from a licensed professional psychotherapist. Yes, it is work and you won't feel better instantly, but you will certainly be better off by not looking for something or someone to use (or be used by!). In the end, two wrongs do NOT make a right. Haven't we learned that yet?
Until next post...