Do you remember your first love? Do you remember what a pain in the rear end you were during that "inbetween time" after the break up and when you finally "got it" about moving on with your life? Oh...wait a minute. I just remembered. Not everyone DOES move on after a break up with their first love. As a matter of fact, there are probably more of us out there who have hung onto the shreds of what used to be long past its expiration date...
Take Sheila for example. I met Sheila when I was eighteen years old and scored my first "real" job post graduation from high school. Sheila was to me the quintessential "Calfornia girl" even though we were all stuck here in SE Michigan. She was tall, thin, tan, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed. Sheila was also IMHO "addicted" to her first love named Ted.
Ted and Sheila had been together since jr. high school...but were already broken up for some time by the time I met her. That didn't stop Sheila. She was all about Ted morning noon and night. So much in fact that years later, she ended up marrying Ted after he fathered a child by another woman. Sheila and Ted eventually divorced and he remarried someone else. You would have thought that this would be "it" between Sheila and her supposidly former first love Ted. Not the case. Sheila went on to have two children with Ted post divorce. In the end, Ted ended up dying and Sheila continues to talk about him as if he's still with us. To say that Sheila couldn't let go and move on beginning about 36 years ago is without a doubt the absolute truth...
I guess if Ted had been Jesus in pants...I could possibly understand Sheila's devotion and dedication to him while he was alive. Yet this was not the case AT ALL. Ted was a severe alcoholic, a compulsive gambler, verbally abusive to Sheila, and a man-whore. Not that Sheila herself was perfect once you looked past the packaging. Sheila was obviously codependent beyond anyone's wildest imagination, extremely insecure, and horribly misguided when it came to "the power of love".
I find this issue regarding "the power of love" to be at the heart of why so many men and women hang onto the fantasy that no matter what, "love will prevail" when first love is found---and then lost.
Here's the reality of that. Love is great and finding your "first love" can appear even greater still. Yet when there are underlying issues and problems (which there always are no matter who we are talking about), those issues and problems MUST be appropriately and consistently addressed with one another in the context of the "love" relationship! The goal, once addressed, is to either SOLVE, RESOLVE, or DISSOLVE the issue(s) and/or problem(s) at hand. Unfortunately, too many men and women choose to DISSOLVE the problem(s) they see with their beloved partner..without the beloved partner even knowing what's going on! Need some examples? No problem! "I know he drinks too much, but he never got a DUI!" Okay. Inotherwords, you'll overlook his drinking habits and patterns because..?? (He never got a DUI!) Unfortunately, many people choose to dissolve the problem(s) in their primary love relationship because they already know their partner is NOT interested in changing for the better. Period. Like Sheila with Ted. Like Joe with Vanessa. Like you with your "first love" whom you just can't let go of....
Reality may bite, but what bites worse is when a person puts their own life on hold for a dream that won't be happening ever...let alone anytime soon. A batterer will always be a batterer without intense and ongoing treatment; an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic without practicing sober-living on a day-to-day basis and all that goes with it; a cheater will always be a cheater without appropriate and ongoing professional intervention. That's the way it is. Nobody gets better just because "the power of my love is at work here". Spare me. Get over it. If you don't pick a healthy-enough partner in the first place---you are deluding yourself by thinking you are capable of changing, fixing, and/or rescuing them through your "love" and "care".
So---there you have it. There's a reason why first loves are lost ladies and gentlemen. It's because the problems that were identified by one or both partners were NOT appropriately and consistently dealt with and then successfully overcome! And you can't change that. No matter how much you "loved" him or her...and no matter how hard you worked at "fixing" that other person. Move on. Treat yourself like the gold you are. Don't end up like Sheila who is still alone and living in the past...
