Darla (not her real name) was a friend of mine going back to when we first met at age 18. She was beautiful...she was kind...and she was a very good friend. At that age, I didn't pay much attention to how Darla behaved when with her boyfriend. Back then, just getting a boyfriend was a big enough deal to merit not paying attention to much else. What I did notice, however, was the pace in which Darla seemed to lose and then acquire "new" boyfriends. To me, Darla would be a fantastic catch for any guy who dated her. Yet something seemed to be rotten in Denmark somewhere.
Then one evening when we were all together having a little party in Darla's apartment, I finally "noticed" what I hadn't allowed myself to see regarding Darla and her boyfriend(s). It turned out that Darla would transform herself in the presence of her current boyfriend to be exactly what she felt "he" wanted or needed her to be in any given moment. Now that I'm a psychotherapist, I would call what Darla did as being a "codependent-by-the-moment" kinda gal. Actually that night, it was very hard to watch. If Sven (believe me, that wasn't his real name either!) didn't feel like having another drink...neither did Darla. If Sven was cold, so was Darla. If Sven wanted to leave and get something to eat, you guessed it! So did Darla. What struck me that night was how all of us girls LOVED Darla just as she was "with us" (girlfriends)...but damn! When she was with Sven---she was someone else we didn't recognize at all. She was a mini Sven. Or under the influence of this Sven-gali (no pun intended there! LOL!) at the very least. Where was our Darla? Worse yet, what if "our" Darla wasn't even being herself with us as her girlfriends? Who in the hell was Darla in the first place?!?!
I'm telling you this story because lately---I have had way too many dear girlfriends realize that their functioning as the proverbial "good" wife didn't work (after 10, 20, 30, and even nearly 40 years) when their spouses turned out to be way "more" dysfunctional than they ever dreamed or realized. Which is sad. All those years of stepping and fetching...and for what? Only to find out that no matter how "good" they tried to be in loving their spouse day in and day out---something was seriously rotten in Denmark for a long long time. Which is sad. And tragic. And unfortunately so very very common.
Being a good wife doesn't cut it when your spouse is in need of "real" help for his consistently inappropriate, self-gratifying, and damaging behaviors.
Your doing whatever he wants...or agreeing to whatever he says...or accepting blame for whatever he rages about...these are NOT the reasons why a spouse will "get it together" sooner or later! All of your "I can fix this" behavior only leads to more hurt, more disappointment, and more self-loathing (as a "good" wife). If you really want to do your spouse a favor, encourage him to get into psychotherapy either alone or with you to face these difficult issues. You don't have to sort them out or figure them out or work them out "for" him. You just need to ask him to go get some help with or without you...and if he says "no thanks"...well then, you've got your answer. He's not interested in getting better. Then the question becomes "Are you?"
Good wives come and go and in the end, everyone needs to feel and be free to be THEMSELVES in the context of their primary love relationship. We are all imperfect and we all make mistakes---but what a tragedy when someone really and truly believes the lie that being a "good" wife is the answer to what's wrong in the marriage.
Until we meet again....
