Being better as a person individually...or as part of a couple requires a great deal of self-awareness and hard work. That's just the way it is. It is easy to say and do the "wrong" thing because that's what comes naturally to most of us when we are stressed out, feeling overwhelmed, and are otherwise "not feeling good". Last post, I presented a great amout of information about the need to address offenses when they actually happen instead of waiting or ignoring that "thing" that happens which offends you. Now I would like to add how we must also learn how to address "opportunities" to engage (communication!) in an appropriate manner as well. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT okay to assume that your partner, best friend, sister, (whomever else you feel "close" to!) is just supposed to "listen" or be available to listen to you when you want or demand it. I can think of many times in my life when I answered the phone and said "Hello." Instead of hearing the voice on the other end say "Hello Mary, this is XXXX---do you have a few minutes to talk?", I intstead got "OMG you won't believe what happened to me today and then blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH!" Of course we all have the capacity to get over-excited when we have "good" or "important" news to report---but when this blatant disregard for the "other" becomes a habit in communication practices, it is NOT a good thing!
Equality and respect are two aspects of any relationship that are very easy to forget once we get "comfortable" with each other. The codependent mentality I referred to in my last blog post works completely against cultivating and preserving this type of relational dynamic. With codependency, everyone is treated like an object...not as an equal. Also, with codependency, respect is variable. If you are perceived by me as "more important" than I feel I myself am---then I will immediately respect you. Otherwise, forget it because then I am of course "better" than you are (however one is defining "better" that is!). Smart versus dumb. Pretty versus ugly. Fat versus thin. Young versus old. Rich versus poor. It doesn't take much to objectify ourselves and others in the name of getting what I want from you----or you getting what you want from me. That's the codependent mentality at work.
With the more appropriate "interdependent" relationship...equality and respect are a given. It doesn't matter if you are 25 years old and I am 99 years old. It doesn't matter if you are homeless and I graduated from Harvard...we are ALL each of us the same and worthy of one another's respect. Why is this so hard to practice? Well, there are philosophical and spiritually-based reasons for it; in the end, nobody likes it when they know they have been treated like a "thing" instead of as a person. Ask any young woman who has been ditched at the alter. Ask any middle aged man who has been suddenly outsourced out of a 25-year career. Ask any adult child who feels the deep hurt of a parent's life-long disapproval and scorn.
Practicing equality and respect in our day-to-day lives isn't so hard. We don't have to push and shove our way into someone's life or good graces...nor do we have to grovel and beg. Yet this practice of treating others as equals and with respect will not succeed if we don't practice it with ourselves. This may mean getting some help or assistance in identifying for yourself exactly "who" you authentically are and how you got that way. With time and practice, we come to realize that we can take good care of ourselves without inappropriately relying on one or more "others" to "make" us happy. As I have said before, happiness and peace comes from the inside out---not the outside in. The codependent mentality believes otherwise. Happiness and peace is "your" job to provide to me when I have chosen you to be my (insert label here). Best friend? Spouse? Sister? Again, objectification gone wild. Not a good thing. Nobody is your thing to serve you...nor are YOU someone else's thing to serve them!
Have a great week!
Equality and respect are two aspects of any relationship that are very easy to forget once we get "comfortable" with each other. The codependent mentality I referred to in my last blog post works completely against cultivating and preserving this type of relational dynamic. With codependency, everyone is treated like an object...not as an equal. Also, with codependency, respect is variable. If you are perceived by me as "more important" than I feel I myself am---then I will immediately respect you. Otherwise, forget it because then I am of course "better" than you are (however one is defining "better" that is!). Smart versus dumb. Pretty versus ugly. Fat versus thin. Young versus old. Rich versus poor. It doesn't take much to objectify ourselves and others in the name of getting what I want from you----or you getting what you want from me. That's the codependent mentality at work.
With the more appropriate "interdependent" relationship...equality and respect are a given. It doesn't matter if you are 25 years old and I am 99 years old. It doesn't matter if you are homeless and I graduated from Harvard...we are ALL each of us the same and worthy of one another's respect. Why is this so hard to practice? Well, there are philosophical and spiritually-based reasons for it; in the end, nobody likes it when they know they have been treated like a "thing" instead of as a person. Ask any young woman who has been ditched at the alter. Ask any middle aged man who has been suddenly outsourced out of a 25-year career. Ask any adult child who feels the deep hurt of a parent's life-long disapproval and scorn.
Practicing equality and respect in our day-to-day lives isn't so hard. We don't have to push and shove our way into someone's life or good graces...nor do we have to grovel and beg. Yet this practice of treating others as equals and with respect will not succeed if we don't practice it with ourselves. This may mean getting some help or assistance in identifying for yourself exactly "who" you authentically are and how you got that way. With time and practice, we come to realize that we can take good care of ourselves without inappropriately relying on one or more "others" to "make" us happy. As I have said before, happiness and peace comes from the inside out---not the outside in. The codependent mentality believes otherwise. Happiness and peace is "your" job to provide to me when I have chosen you to be my (insert label here). Best friend? Spouse? Sister? Again, objectification gone wild. Not a good thing. Nobody is your thing to serve you...nor are YOU someone else's thing to serve them!
Have a great week!