I have had several conversations in recent years about elderly relatives who are losing their ability to function independently. I think I've heard every conceivable story there is to relay. The 85year-old father who refuses to stop driving, but who also keeps forgetting where he's headed once he is behind the wheel. The mom who hardly drinks fluids because "I'm not thirsty!"....yet has had an ongoing incontinence issue for years. The aunt who prefers carry out in recent months because she can't open a jar, bottle, or can without someone else doing it for her. I could go on but I think you get the picture. When we have someone in our lives who keeps saying "I can do it!" when our eyeballs keeping telling us "No you can't!", we are now being placed into the position nobody looks forward to: preparing for what we don't want to prepare for.
America is a funny place to live. We glorify individual freedom above all else in light of those individuals who are no longer capable of pursuing their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living). Friends would often ask me, as a psychotherapist, "when" it was time to consider alternate housing and/or live-in care for their elderly relation(s). The initial lynchpin issue revolving around the answer to that question is, in fact, one's ADLs. (There is a second issue as well, but we'll talk about that later!) If a person can't get themselves up and out of bed each morning, go to the bathroom and use it, wash their own face, brush their own teeth, get dressed, prepare their own meals and eat them....that's an obvious problem. However, elderly people don't typically just "stop" being able to pursue their own ADLs all at once. It, instead, typically happens in various degrees and doses of loss. Some people find that they can't open jars, or bottles, or cans like they once used to....so instead of telling someone about it...they just eat less or order carry out more often. Others will stop drinking fluids not because they are suddenly "not thirsty" anymore, but because they are sick of drinking something (anything!) and being incontinent and unable to make it to the bathroom on time. ADLs are one thing and something every adult child of an elderly person can watch for negative changes. In so many cases, accompanying one's relative to their PCP (primary care physician) and talking about the issue(s) with the PCP and elderly relative both present can lead to viable solutions and/or resolutions (like those for chronic incontinence, hand strength and grip, ability to walk, get up and down, or bend, etc.). In some cases, the solution(s) may be quite simple i.e. an automatic jar and/or can opener!
Next, when it comes to an elderly person's mental faculties and changes that may occur there, this can be an even more difficult road to face----let alone navigate---as adult children. I mean, what do you do with a mother or father who keeps asking you the same questions every day or every week in spite of you explaining and presenting the same answers every day and every week?! Yes, I am talking about dementia in all its forms...as well as the dreaded "A" word: Alzheimer's.
I remember one woman who got into her car and forgot where she was going, but made it to a phone to call her daughter and ask "Where was I going just now?" On the way back, this same woman rear-ended someone at a red light. Sometimes our "Uh oh!" moments as adult children are obvious and do not require any lag time between what we noticed and taking appropriate action. But for so many others, nothing is done until the BIG "UH OH!" moment occurs and mother just walked out naked onto 8 Mile from her condo....or Uncle Billy just gave $150,000 to some random woman as a birthday gift!
Complicating any adult child's ability to move in an appropriate direction on an elder relative's behalf are the other adult children within the family system. I have seen brothers and sisters go to war; I've also seen brothers and sisters do a whole lot of talking yet a whole lot of actionable nothing; I've also seen brothers and sisters pretend everything was fine when clearly things were not. Let me just say here that whomever lives the closest to mom or dad or Uncle Billy is usually the one who is in the best position to "do" for them and their own best interests day-to-day. A sister in Texas is pretty much useless to her mom when compared to the brother who lives around the corner from mom. I am not suggesting here that the closest living adult child should "do" all the work of caring for the elderly relative(s) who live(s) closest by; what I am saying is that he or she can certainly get more accomplished on behalf of an elderly relation than those who are hundreds or thousands of miles away (literally or figuratively speaking!). In this type of situation, designating someone within the family to have medical power of attorney resolves this issue before one pops up and requires action.
Not every elderly person who ends up leaving their home for assisted living or nursing home care has done so by choice. Rather, the vast majority have been "forced" out because (1) they fell and broke something and now went from the hospital...to the rehab...and then to "somewhere else" other than their own home, (2) a medical emergency occurred inside the home and when the appropriate authorities got involved, the home was recognized as uninhabitable, and/or (3) a "very bad thing" occurred that drew attention to the person's obvious need for new living arrangements (set the house on fire, started digging up their property at 3:00AM, walked outside nude, was caring for 300 cats, etc.).
Preparing for what we don't want to prepare for is no fun. But fighting and arguing with each other (be these others our siblings, our partners, our kids, or our other "older" adult relatives) about "what to do about mom" isn't going to get anyone anywhere good. Without making any definitive and proactive decisions, everyone IS forced to wait for the big "UH OH!" moment to occur which forces immediate action. Some of us are very comfortable with this and have no problem waiting; others are beyond their wits end worrying constantly about various and assorted "what if" scenarios: "What if...(she kills someone while driving!)" "What if...(he is at the mall by himself and just forgets everything period?!)" "What if...(she gambles away every penny at Motor City!?)"
Communicating openly and without drama about these difficult conversations involving elderly relations can occur; that's why I'm here to help. You don't have to call 857-6309...but you can call me. Until we meet the next time....
America is a funny place to live. We glorify individual freedom above all else in light of those individuals who are no longer capable of pursuing their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living). Friends would often ask me, as a psychotherapist, "when" it was time to consider alternate housing and/or live-in care for their elderly relation(s). The initial lynchpin issue revolving around the answer to that question is, in fact, one's ADLs. (There is a second issue as well, but we'll talk about that later!) If a person can't get themselves up and out of bed each morning, go to the bathroom and use it, wash their own face, brush their own teeth, get dressed, prepare their own meals and eat them....that's an obvious problem. However, elderly people don't typically just "stop" being able to pursue their own ADLs all at once. It, instead, typically happens in various degrees and doses of loss. Some people find that they can't open jars, or bottles, or cans like they once used to....so instead of telling someone about it...they just eat less or order carry out more often. Others will stop drinking fluids not because they are suddenly "not thirsty" anymore, but because they are sick of drinking something (anything!) and being incontinent and unable to make it to the bathroom on time. ADLs are one thing and something every adult child of an elderly person can watch for negative changes. In so many cases, accompanying one's relative to their PCP (primary care physician) and talking about the issue(s) with the PCP and elderly relative both present can lead to viable solutions and/or resolutions (like those for chronic incontinence, hand strength and grip, ability to walk, get up and down, or bend, etc.). In some cases, the solution(s) may be quite simple i.e. an automatic jar and/or can opener!
Next, when it comes to an elderly person's mental faculties and changes that may occur there, this can be an even more difficult road to face----let alone navigate---as adult children. I mean, what do you do with a mother or father who keeps asking you the same questions every day or every week in spite of you explaining and presenting the same answers every day and every week?! Yes, I am talking about dementia in all its forms...as well as the dreaded "A" word: Alzheimer's.
I remember one woman who got into her car and forgot where she was going, but made it to a phone to call her daughter and ask "Where was I going just now?" On the way back, this same woman rear-ended someone at a red light. Sometimes our "Uh oh!" moments as adult children are obvious and do not require any lag time between what we noticed and taking appropriate action. But for so many others, nothing is done until the BIG "UH OH!" moment occurs and mother just walked out naked onto 8 Mile from her condo....or Uncle Billy just gave $150,000 to some random woman as a birthday gift!
Complicating any adult child's ability to move in an appropriate direction on an elder relative's behalf are the other adult children within the family system. I have seen brothers and sisters go to war; I've also seen brothers and sisters do a whole lot of talking yet a whole lot of actionable nothing; I've also seen brothers and sisters pretend everything was fine when clearly things were not. Let me just say here that whomever lives the closest to mom or dad or Uncle Billy is usually the one who is in the best position to "do" for them and their own best interests day-to-day. A sister in Texas is pretty much useless to her mom when compared to the brother who lives around the corner from mom. I am not suggesting here that the closest living adult child should "do" all the work of caring for the elderly relative(s) who live(s) closest by; what I am saying is that he or she can certainly get more accomplished on behalf of an elderly relation than those who are hundreds or thousands of miles away (literally or figuratively speaking!). In this type of situation, designating someone within the family to have medical power of attorney resolves this issue before one pops up and requires action.
Not every elderly person who ends up leaving their home for assisted living or nursing home care has done so by choice. Rather, the vast majority have been "forced" out because (1) they fell and broke something and now went from the hospital...to the rehab...and then to "somewhere else" other than their own home, (2) a medical emergency occurred inside the home and when the appropriate authorities got involved, the home was recognized as uninhabitable, and/or (3) a "very bad thing" occurred that drew attention to the person's obvious need for new living arrangements (set the house on fire, started digging up their property at 3:00AM, walked outside nude, was caring for 300 cats, etc.).
Preparing for what we don't want to prepare for is no fun. But fighting and arguing with each other (be these others our siblings, our partners, our kids, or our other "older" adult relatives) about "what to do about mom" isn't going to get anyone anywhere good. Without making any definitive and proactive decisions, everyone IS forced to wait for the big "UH OH!" moment to occur which forces immediate action. Some of us are very comfortable with this and have no problem waiting; others are beyond their wits end worrying constantly about various and assorted "what if" scenarios: "What if...(she kills someone while driving!)" "What if...(he is at the mall by himself and just forgets everything period?!)" "What if...(she gambles away every penny at Motor City!?)"
Communicating openly and without drama about these difficult conversations involving elderly relations can occur; that's why I'm here to help. You don't have to call 857-6309...but you can call me. Until we meet the next time....