"Mean people suck!" This was the message on a bumper sticker I first saw many years ago that literally made me laugh out loud at the time. Such an obvious message...and yet what do any of us do about the "mean people" in our own lives? Based on my experience as a psychotherapist, I can tell you that the answer to that question is "Not much!" more often than not.
I continue to be astounding at the numbers of us who can talk a blue streak on most any topic under the sun...but when it comes to appropriately confronting something clearly inappropriate that is said or done right in front of us, we suddenly go mute. What's up with that?
For one thing, what's up with that is that we are often afraid. Yes, I said afraid. If we weren't afraid, why wouldn't we just respond comfortably with "Can you tell me why you just said that?" or "Can you explain to me why you just did that?" immediately after the fact? We don't ask these questions because we are more afraid of being rejected or judged by our offender(s) than we are about appropriately confronting him or her about their own "bad" behavior. Do we think that our silence is a good thing in such circumstances? How is it good? If anything, we have just taught the offender in that moment how we agree with what they said...or what they did...which they already ASSUMED we'd be o.k. with in the first place! When someone is mean to someone else in our presence or to us directly in whatever form that takes, how is keeping our mouths shut the right thing to do? It is not. Period.
I remember the kid (young man) who once referred to his friend as a racial slur in front of me. I looked at him without missing a beat and asked, "Why did you say Joe was a (insert racial slur here)?" "Are you a (insert racial slur here) too?" His reaction to me was clear; he realized he made a big boo boo by sayin' what he did in front of me....because he didn't expect me to NOT be o.k. with what he just said about his friend. This is how it is when people say and do mean things, wrong things, bad things, inappropriate things, perverse things, (whatever! things) in front of us while also assuming it's "no big deal" to say or to do in front of us. Don't we get that yet?
Many times, this is reason enough to speak up when we are confronted by someone else's offensive words and/or behavior. Beyond the fact that we didn't cause their problems, we can't control their problems, and we sure can't cure their problems---how is it they figure you or I are just like them? I don't know about you, but I do NOT want to be associated with someone who "assumes" that I accept abusive behavior because they feel so free to do it in front of me---or direct it at me personally. By speaking up in these moments and asking why did you say or do that...we are also saying please don't do that in front of ME anymore. Confronting inappropriate behavior doesn't mean you have to cure anybody of anything; it just makes clear how you don't want to listen to it or see it "again" in your presence. Most importantly, it reminds the offender that they don't really "know" you to the extent they had previously assumed.
What we don't get is that emotional intimacy and/or feeling "close" doesn't stem from putting up with or remaining silent about another person's abusive patterns of conduct. We also don't get that when we DO put up with another person's abusive patterns of conduct, we kill a little bit of ourselves in the process. This is not a good thing.
Nex time you are tempted to give someone a pass or let something go that you've let pass and go many times before, think twice before you keep your mouth shut and ignore the obvious. Just try asking out loud: "Why did you say that?" or "Can you explain why you just did that?" You might find that your offender(s) may, over time, actually learn how to check themselves before they wreck themselves in your presence ever again...
I continue to be astounding at the numbers of us who can talk a blue streak on most any topic under the sun...but when it comes to appropriately confronting something clearly inappropriate that is said or done right in front of us, we suddenly go mute. What's up with that?
For one thing, what's up with that is that we are often afraid. Yes, I said afraid. If we weren't afraid, why wouldn't we just respond comfortably with "Can you tell me why you just said that?" or "Can you explain to me why you just did that?" immediately after the fact? We don't ask these questions because we are more afraid of being rejected or judged by our offender(s) than we are about appropriately confronting him or her about their own "bad" behavior. Do we think that our silence is a good thing in such circumstances? How is it good? If anything, we have just taught the offender in that moment how we agree with what they said...or what they did...which they already ASSUMED we'd be o.k. with in the first place! When someone is mean to someone else in our presence or to us directly in whatever form that takes, how is keeping our mouths shut the right thing to do? It is not. Period.
I remember the kid (young man) who once referred to his friend as a racial slur in front of me. I looked at him without missing a beat and asked, "Why did you say Joe was a (insert racial slur here)?" "Are you a (insert racial slur here) too?" His reaction to me was clear; he realized he made a big boo boo by sayin' what he did in front of me....because he didn't expect me to NOT be o.k. with what he just said about his friend. This is how it is when people say and do mean things, wrong things, bad things, inappropriate things, perverse things, (whatever! things) in front of us while also assuming it's "no big deal" to say or to do in front of us. Don't we get that yet?
Many times, this is reason enough to speak up when we are confronted by someone else's offensive words and/or behavior. Beyond the fact that we didn't cause their problems, we can't control their problems, and we sure can't cure their problems---how is it they figure you or I are just like them? I don't know about you, but I do NOT want to be associated with someone who "assumes" that I accept abusive behavior because they feel so free to do it in front of me---or direct it at me personally. By speaking up in these moments and asking why did you say or do that...we are also saying please don't do that in front of ME anymore. Confronting inappropriate behavior doesn't mean you have to cure anybody of anything; it just makes clear how you don't want to listen to it or see it "again" in your presence. Most importantly, it reminds the offender that they don't really "know" you to the extent they had previously assumed.
What we don't get is that emotional intimacy and/or feeling "close" doesn't stem from putting up with or remaining silent about another person's abusive patterns of conduct. We also don't get that when we DO put up with another person's abusive patterns of conduct, we kill a little bit of ourselves in the process. This is not a good thing.
Nex time you are tempted to give someone a pass or let something go that you've let pass and go many times before, think twice before you keep your mouth shut and ignore the obvious. Just try asking out loud: "Why did you say that?" or "Can you explain why you just did that?" You might find that your offender(s) may, over time, actually learn how to check themselves before they wreck themselves in your presence ever again...