Have you ever been at a social event hosted, by let's say, your sister? As you enter the house, you see her speaking to someone you don't know. As you approach your sister to say hi and let her know you are here, your sister waves you off so as to continue her conversation with the person you do not know. What's wrong with this picture? Or how about being over someone's home for dinner, and your host doesn't introduce anyone to each other? Better yet, if there are introductions, they go something like this: "Oh, this is my hairdresser!" "Oh, this is my yoga teacher! He's great!" "Oh, this is my dog groomer; she's just fabulous with long hairs!" Really? It is amazing how insensitive and inconsiderate we can be when it comes to the ways in which we treat each other in social situations. Being dismissive comes in a variety of forms, but when all is said and done...it leaves the person being dismissed feeling not so hot.
When people are dismissive to us, we feel (first and foremost) like we don't matter. Like something or someone else just popped up or showed up to immediately take your place. Yet we keep doing it to each other like it is our job in so many social situations. Why is that? Today's blog post attempts to unravel the mystery behind the history of dismissive behavior towards others....
1. People with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD (that would be Attention Deficit Disorder) are notorious dismissers by their very nature. The older they are without having recieved a proper diagnosis or appropriate treatment...the worse they are going to be in this area of functioning. Dismissive behavior only begins to describe the pattern of behaviors common among ADHDers without a clue: they interrupt people often and without hesitation...they loudly proclaim their "orders" for what should happen next (yes, especially in social situations!)...they are easily frustrated and show it (through their tears and/or their rants and/or their meltdowns)...AND they tend to change topics mid-sentence like they just discovered the cure for cancer and shouldn't we re-focus our attention(s) now on whatever gold is about to proceedeth out their mouth!
Yes, ADHDers who remain untreated for their condition can be the most annoying, disrespectful, and self-involved people you will ever know. On the other hand, they do what they do because, in their own mind, they are in a constant state of emergency in just trying to ensure their own needs-satisfaction. Yes, that's right: they do what they do to make sure they get what they think they need RIGHT NOW!
My most recent encounter with an undiagnosed and untreated ADHDer was when I was at a social event, sat down, and was immediately told "YOU CAN'T SIT THERE!" because...??? Because my ADHDer lives in a state of constant emergency and need to be in control---so my seating choice didn't jive with who and where I was "allowed" to sit (in her mind of course!).
My most recent encounter with an undiagnosed and untreated ADHDer was when I was at a social event, sat down, and was immediately told "YOU CAN'T SIT THERE!" because...??? Because my ADHDer lives in a state of constant emergency and need to be in control---so my seating choice didn't jive with who and where I was "allowed" to sit (in her mind of course!).
I think of another ADHDer who, many years ago, asked me over for breakfast because I was missed so much and "You're my best friend.." blah blah. Before I could hang up, this ADHDer had enough where-with-all to then add: "Oh, I don't have any stuff for breakfast here! Can you bring the toast and the butter and some coffee and a couple eggs...?" How about "NO!" and we meet at a local restaurant? But you see, in the ADHDers undiagnosed and untreated mind...whatever they think of when they think it is "the answer" or "the solution" or "the best way" (for them of course!).
Don't get me wrong. I'm an ADHDer too. Yet I received treatment (Thank You Lord!) many years ago and allowed that treatment to change me and my life for the much better. I can remember being told to "Stop Interrupting! about every hour on the hour as a little kid. Grant it, my household may have been filled with adult ADHDers...but it all felt a bit more socipathic to me! ;-) And now I wonder why I'm funny as hell (as in hilarious funny) and could work a room of 1,000 without a bead of sweat or an ounce of anxiety attached. It all started in my aunt and uncle's living room with my parents present...and little ol' me.
Beyond ADHD, people with undiagnosed and untreated Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic, Histrionic, Borderline, and Anti-Social) as well as others who have long-standing but untreated mood or anxiety-based disorders have extreme difficulty viewing others as "equals". This view is then demonstrated through a profound and ongoing lack of social graces. Again, if you can think of someone who is basically on fire emotionally 2/47...and is looking for the "right" fireman (or firewoman!) to put it out for them...then you'll have a good idea of why these folks are so good at being dismissive and/or otherwise "rude" to the people they know...while being over-solicitious to the people they don't know. Bottom like is that if these folks had just one sentence to convey to the world around them...and especially to those they are just meeting for the first time or getting to know...it would be this: "Are you going to help me RIGHT NOW?!"
Until next time....