Families and extended families during the holidays. You gotta love them. If I had a nickel for every story I have heard about obnoxious brothers-in-law, drunken siblings, whacked out grannies, and controlling mother-in-laws, I could have retired ten years ago. Today's blog post is about how to prepare yourself, and your boundaries for the upcoming holidays. Forget about all the speeches or articles you may have heard or read about "stress reduction". This is the blog post for you today. When you can create and maintain proper boundaries for yourself in spite of everything else going on around you between now and New Year's...you'll be good. And I do mean good! So let's get started....
So, let's begin with being clear on what boundaries actually are. Imagine yourself in a beautiful yard that you own. Creating boundaries for yourself begins by putting up a fence (with a gate!) around your yard. Without this fence or gate, anyone would be able to come into your yard whenever they felt like it and do whatever they felt like doing. Starting a fire.....making a mess....chopping down your trees.....pilfering your flower beds..etc. etc. Creating the fence with the gate means that YOU have control over who and what you let into your yard and when. It also means that you are free to establish the ground rules relative to the behaviors you will not tolerate when others are allowed into your yard. These same principles are true with creating your boundaries. Boundaries are not a bad thing; boundaries are a good thing. By creating and maintaining proper boundaries for yourself (and/or with your partner and child(ren)), you let others know when they can come into your yard...as well as what you will not tolerate while they are in your yard. Sound simple enough? Good!
Let's segue now to the upcoming holidays. Here's a question I've heard a thousand times from clients over the years: "What am I supposed to do about my (insert nature of relation here) who can't ever sit down to a family dinner without (insert offensive behavior here)?" Uncles who get too drunk....sister who can't shut up about her sex life....mother-in-law who criticizes daughter-in-law about her parenting....son who always shows up two hours late for dinner like it's no big deal...etc. etc. etc.
When establishing boundaries as an individual or as a family over the holidays...first be clear on what behavior(s) are absolutely intolerable. Just as schools have established "Bully Free Zones"...you and your family can establish a "_____-Free Zone" relative to offensive behaviors you no longer have to tolerate individually, or as a family.
For example, let's say cousin Ricky has a history of being physically abusive towards his other cousins because he has "issues". Your kids have cried countless times over the years as they run up and scream, "Cousin Ricky just slapped me in the face!" "Cousin Ricky just tripped Billy!" "Cousin Ricky is holding down Sally on the bed and says he's going to spit on her face!" Listen folks. Leaving at-risk kids unattended and unsupervised at family events is like starting a fire in the middle of the living room and waiting to see if the rain will come to put it out. A family event is NOT the time to just let kids run wild or do whatever "in private" without any adult eyes watching. Yet it happens way too often in way too many households. Do you want to know how many incidences I have heard about involving kids who grew up and then told me, 5, 10, or 15 years later how their own version of "cousin Ricky" molested them...gave them drugs...beat them...verbally abused them, etc. etc.? I'm not kidding. Wake up and set the boundaries you need to there. If you don't have to courage to do so, then shame on you for caring more about "what other people think" than what's best for yourself, your own family, and your family's children.
Alcoholic relatives is another biggie issue during the holidays. Sure, alcoholics are not dumb. They can drink all they want before they get to your house. But that doesn't mean that they can keep drinking while at your house. Another "set the boundary" issue that is not so difficult to do and put into practice. Offer a good variety of non-alcoholic beverages...things people attending the event may not have tried before. Hasn't anyone heard of LaCrox water, ICE brand flavored waters, higher-end sodas (the brand eludes me now but they always come in a four-pack). Clear out and put away all of your own alcohol in a place where it can't be found by guests. Yes, even the inside of washing machines in a locked laundry room have been used for this purpose. Your household does not "owe" your guests alcoholic beverages if you choose not to offer them. Period. And for those who want to be obnoxious about the boundary you have set here, let them. The only fool in the room at that moment is the fool who is expressing his or her anger about "Where's the booze?!"
All things sexual at the table. Another issue. As a matter of fact, I just read the other week about a polyamorous adult daughter who wants to bring her boyfriend AND her girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner this year at her aunt's house. And people think to get offended by the U of M and Michigan State rivalry! HA! This polyamorous stuff is only beginning in the generations of holiday family events to come. So...what do you do when THIS happens or when Uncle Charlie starts yabbering on about breast implants...or cousin Sue wants to discuss Caitlyn Jenner and the details of gender reassignment surgery. Again, we all have a voice and we have to practice using it. If you are instantly confused, angered, or frightened by what you hear, here is the good rule of thumb: "WHAT MADE YOU SAY THAT JUST NOW?" "CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?" "I HEAR YOU TALKING BUT I SURE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAID WHAT YOU JUST DID. CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME NOW?" etc. etc. Let Uncle Charlie or cousin Sue or your polyamorous niece tell you why they have sex-on-the-brain in that moment. Even if they don't know, it may inspire them to shut up and change the subject.
Boundaries. You gotta love them. They work. We just have to create them and maintain them that's all.
And don't eat too much turkey at the table either! ;-)
Until next time...
So, let's begin with being clear on what boundaries actually are. Imagine yourself in a beautiful yard that you own. Creating boundaries for yourself begins by putting up a fence (with a gate!) around your yard. Without this fence or gate, anyone would be able to come into your yard whenever they felt like it and do whatever they felt like doing. Starting a fire.....making a mess....chopping down your trees.....pilfering your flower beds..etc. etc. Creating the fence with the gate means that YOU have control over who and what you let into your yard and when. It also means that you are free to establish the ground rules relative to the behaviors you will not tolerate when others are allowed into your yard. These same principles are true with creating your boundaries. Boundaries are not a bad thing; boundaries are a good thing. By creating and maintaining proper boundaries for yourself (and/or with your partner and child(ren)), you let others know when they can come into your yard...as well as what you will not tolerate while they are in your yard. Sound simple enough? Good!
Let's segue now to the upcoming holidays. Here's a question I've heard a thousand times from clients over the years: "What am I supposed to do about my (insert nature of relation here) who can't ever sit down to a family dinner without (insert offensive behavior here)?" Uncles who get too drunk....sister who can't shut up about her sex life....mother-in-law who criticizes daughter-in-law about her parenting....son who always shows up two hours late for dinner like it's no big deal...etc. etc. etc.
When establishing boundaries as an individual or as a family over the holidays...first be clear on what behavior(s) are absolutely intolerable. Just as schools have established "Bully Free Zones"...you and your family can establish a "_____-Free Zone" relative to offensive behaviors you no longer have to tolerate individually, or as a family.
For example, let's say cousin Ricky has a history of being physically abusive towards his other cousins because he has "issues". Your kids have cried countless times over the years as they run up and scream, "Cousin Ricky just slapped me in the face!" "Cousin Ricky just tripped Billy!" "Cousin Ricky is holding down Sally on the bed and says he's going to spit on her face!" Listen folks. Leaving at-risk kids unattended and unsupervised at family events is like starting a fire in the middle of the living room and waiting to see if the rain will come to put it out. A family event is NOT the time to just let kids run wild or do whatever "in private" without any adult eyes watching. Yet it happens way too often in way too many households. Do you want to know how many incidences I have heard about involving kids who grew up and then told me, 5, 10, or 15 years later how their own version of "cousin Ricky" molested them...gave them drugs...beat them...verbally abused them, etc. etc.? I'm not kidding. Wake up and set the boundaries you need to there. If you don't have to courage to do so, then shame on you for caring more about "what other people think" than what's best for yourself, your own family, and your family's children.
Alcoholic relatives is another biggie issue during the holidays. Sure, alcoholics are not dumb. They can drink all they want before they get to your house. But that doesn't mean that they can keep drinking while at your house. Another "set the boundary" issue that is not so difficult to do and put into practice. Offer a good variety of non-alcoholic beverages...things people attending the event may not have tried before. Hasn't anyone heard of LaCrox water, ICE brand flavored waters, higher-end sodas (the brand eludes me now but they always come in a four-pack). Clear out and put away all of your own alcohol in a place where it can't be found by guests. Yes, even the inside of washing machines in a locked laundry room have been used for this purpose. Your household does not "owe" your guests alcoholic beverages if you choose not to offer them. Period. And for those who want to be obnoxious about the boundary you have set here, let them. The only fool in the room at that moment is the fool who is expressing his or her anger about "Where's the booze?!"
All things sexual at the table. Another issue. As a matter of fact, I just read the other week about a polyamorous adult daughter who wants to bring her boyfriend AND her girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner this year at her aunt's house. And people think to get offended by the U of M and Michigan State rivalry! HA! This polyamorous stuff is only beginning in the generations of holiday family events to come. So...what do you do when THIS happens or when Uncle Charlie starts yabbering on about breast implants...or cousin Sue wants to discuss Caitlyn Jenner and the details of gender reassignment surgery. Again, we all have a voice and we have to practice using it. If you are instantly confused, angered, or frightened by what you hear, here is the good rule of thumb: "WHAT MADE YOU SAY THAT JUST NOW?" "CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT?" "I HEAR YOU TALKING BUT I SURE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU SAID WHAT YOU JUST DID. CAN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME NOW?" etc. etc. Let Uncle Charlie or cousin Sue or your polyamorous niece tell you why they have sex-on-the-brain in that moment. Even if they don't know, it may inspire them to shut up and change the subject.
Boundaries. You gotta love them. They work. We just have to create them and maintain them that's all.
And don't eat too much turkey at the table either! ;-)
Until next time...